christcg Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 My wife of 9 years, 2 kids and I started a business together. I handled the business end, she handled the customers. She hated to deal with business and only wanted to deal with customers. I thought and still do think that she is seeing, casually, another person. They probably see each other once every three months when a specific event occurs like a seminar. I don’t think she is having sex with him - however, the evidence that she was with him was overwhelming. Once I realized this, I became a micro manager and she hated it. My Fix it personality increased, I would correct her all the time - you know the deal. Well, I blew up one day when this issue really bothered me. She kept on dancing around the issue not telling me that she did or didn’t. In retrospect, at this point, she was losing love for me. And of course, I couldn’t see it. So I told her that I thought she was seeing this guy and that there was no hope in the relationship. I gave her the business banking and told her that she had to handle everything herself. The next day I tried to take it back and now she is trying to do it herself. I have been apologizing, asking for forgiveness, told her that it was wrong that I was not listening for such a long time. I apologized verbally, love notes, email text. In many different ways. What hurts more is that I was diagnosed with some kind of pre-cancerous stuff in my prostate and she doesn’t care? For the past week, she has taken the kids away from me - she has been in and out of the house in all hours - I know she visited this guy who is 2 hours from my home. The other day, she walked out of the house and came home the next morning - 14 hours later. She immediately went into the shower, then took her clothes to be washed. That was very unusual behavior for her especially since the kids have not seen her and were in need of the bathroom. Some points: I would not have thought too much about this guy except that she lied about her whereabouts (not minutes but hours and partial days). I had to find out on two occasions from my kids about him being with her and around them in my absence. When asked about meeting him she said it was a last minute thing and that it was no big deal. I then found out it was planned. There are several situations like this with this guy. With help, I understand what I did was wrong and I am working on becoming a better person. She has issues too as she doesn’t tell me when she is upset, doesn’t tell me what she wants, etc. It’s a complete guessing game. She opens up to her friends and not me. Our therapists and her friends tell her that she needs to talk to me. Right now, after 7 days of not talking, she wants freedom and is exercising that by coming in and out of the house at weird hours and not sleeping at home and drinking alot. Here is what is bothering me - the day she went out and came back and took the shower, makes me believe that she was with this guy or someone, sexually. And now since I thought I was passed that thought of her with another man, I feel like I just started again at square one. However, I did not blow up. We were able to talk for 15 minutes (the most in 7 days). It was a good talk and I was able to ask her if she was sleeping with someone. She didn’t answer the question but said that she is so upset with me that she cant even look at another man. Again, she didn’t answer the question. When I asked her what she did that night, she said it was a simple dinner. It seems to me that she may want to work on getting us back together. We have an extended therapy session in two days. I don’t want to get the relationship up and going again if we still have this elephant in the room. Her relationship with him, if it is platonic, should still be understood. How can I rekindle the flame? How can I get her to look at me, again? And how can I get past this guy thing?
LakesideDream Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 MC? I can't offer any other advice. If's she's willing to get into a counseling program you might have a chance in 20 of saving your marriage. You know she's "seeing" someone. Your kids know it. She knows it. Generally that's the end. She making preparations to join the ranks of the "Walk Aways". I suggest you protect yourself. If you don't live in a no fault state, hire a detective, put a keylogger on your computer, examine her cell logs and phone details. A pattern will emerge as sure as Gawd made Caterpillers. That old flame ain't coming back without some drastic changes of mammoth porportions. Sorry and good luck.
hopesndreams Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 How can I rekindle the flame? How can I get her to look at me, again? And how can I get past this guy thing? You can't rekindle the flame coz she has p*ssed all over the kindling. She is also seeing you as a doormat and has lost respect for you. She is moving on to someone else. If you don't confront her with me or the other guy, she will continue to do what she is doing until her plans of being with the OM are in place. The time to act is now. Tell her to pack her bags and show her the door if she doesn't stop seeing the OM. It would be your only chance. All the love notes and the good chats mean nothing at this point. It is only showing her you are weak. Show her you mean business before it's too late but then I think it may already be too late.
lkjh Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 You are kidding right? You know she is with another man and you are doing nothing? Do not chase her, this will just push her away. get a lawyer and get tough. Women respect men who "man up". Don't let her jump around questions, make her answer them. Do not move out and claim your part of the business
Gunny376 Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 Dump her! Scorched Earth Policy! With ruthless abandon! Do otherwise? And you will find out the hard way why I'm such an advocate. With a wife life her? Who needs enemies! Of course she's scroggin the other guy! You can believe me or your lying eyes! Time to 'man-up' and put on the big boy britches!
ebedmelech Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 Christcg, I am so sorry that has happened. Holy-moly I am sorry. Emotionally you are getting a beating. I hate to say this...good night, I hate to say... but if she came home 14 hours later, and went straight to the shower and washed her clothes...baby boy you know what time it is. You know she had sex with somebody or something. I don't care if it was Bozo the clown... you know she had sex. But let me tell you one thing... don't play yourself cheap. Know this... good loving, committed husbands are hard to find. You guys are like platinum encrusted with pearls, like a really beautiful, rare, expensive piece of jewelry. There are so many women who would bend over backwards to be with someone like you. You need to know and understand that. From where you sit.. it would seem like she has the trump cards right? WRONG !!!! Mr. C. do you know how valuable and rare you are? Do you not know that it is extremely hard to find a loving committed husband who will not show his penis to anybody but his wife? ( I am from a culture where men think it is their divine right to cheat and be a player) Again, you are like a rare, precious, piece of jewelry. You are like platinum, encrusted with rare black pearls, and rare pink diamonds. So many women would love to have you. I am not sayiing this just to be saying this. I speak from experience. My soon to be ex husband wwould jump in somebody else's panties whenever he took a notion. The frosting on the cake is, he came to me with this b.s. line: "I love you, but I am not in love with you", and he jetted out of marriage of 23 years without batting an eye. I said all to say this.. hold your head up, and open your eyes to how valuable you really are. As for the other man...don't you worry about a thing. Your wife is fooling herself if she is thinking he is her knight in shinning armour. In time she wiil see that he is a knight-mare, nothing more, nothing less. You see, she got it twisted. She let the Devil fool her into thinking all men are upright and honest like you. HA !!!! She will find in time she was just a piece of tail for this man. And when he drops the bomb on her, or does a disappearing act, she is going to feel like a a 10 pack of fools! So remember... It is you who hold all of the trump cards. You just have to play them right.
Gunny376 Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 Christcg, I am so sorry that has happened. Holy-moly I am sorry. Emotionally you are getting a beating. I hate to say this...good night, I hate to say... but if she came home 14 hours later, and went straight to the shower and washed her clothes...baby boy you know what time it is. You know she had sex with somebody or something. I don't care if it was Bozo the clown... you know she had sex. But let me tell you one thing... don't play yourself cheap. Know this... good loving, committed husbands are hard to find. You guys are like platinum encrusted with pearls, like a really beautiful, rare, expensive piece of jewelry. There are so many women who would bend over backwards to be with someone like you. You need to know and understand that. From where you sit.. it would seem like she has the trump cards right? WRONG !!!! Mr. C. do you know how valuable and rare you are? Do you not know that it is extremely hard to find a loving committed husband who will not show his penis to anybody but his wife? ( I am from a culture where men think it is their divine right to cheat and be a player) Again, you are like a rare, precious, piece of jewelry. You are like platinum, encrusted with rare black pearls, and rare pink diamonds. So many women would love to have you. I am not saying this just to be saying this. I speak from experience. My soon to be ex husband would jump in somebody else's panties whenever he took a notion. The frosting on the cake is, he came to me with this b.s. line: "I love you, but I am not in love with you", and he jetted out of marriage of 23 years without batting an eye. I said all to say this.. hold your head up, and open your eyes to how valuable you really are. As for the other man...don't you worry about a thing. Your wife is fooling herself if she is thinking he is her knight in shinning armour. In time she will see that he is a knight-mare, nothing more, nothing less. You see, she got it twisted. She let the Devil fool her into thinking all men are upright and honest like you. HA !!!! She will find in time she was just a piece of tail for this man. And when he drops the bomb on her, or does a disappearing act, she is going to feel like a a 10 pack of fools! So remember... It is you who hold all of the trump cards. You just have to play them right. There's no scarcity of men! But there's a shortage of good men!
seibert253 Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 Dump her! Scorched Earth Policy! With ruthless abandon! Do otherwise? And you will find out the hard way why I'm such an advocate. With a wife life her? Who needs enemies! Of course she's scroggin the other guy! You can believe me or your lying eyes! Time to 'man-up' and put on the big boy britches! Can't add much to this. On the money One this I will say, are you going to continue to be a mouse, or are you going to be a man. Pretty simple. If I were you I would tell her she has two options: 1. End all contact with OM and work on the marriage or 2. Pack your things and leave I cannot believe you let her treat you with such disrespect and contempt. Stand the Fu#k Up already!
Author christcg Posted May 28, 2009 Author Posted May 28, 2009 Here's an update to the situation. Turns out she was not with this guy at all. He is gay and not interested. She went to dinner with a girlfriend and slept at her house. And I verified it. Deal is, that I was full of pride, and was making a mountain out of a molehill. But I refused to let my anger and emotions rule me. I was in the pit of my life, never so low. I didnt sleep for three days and was sipping water. After I found out that she wasnt with this guy, my whole mind and body changed. Now I am tired, hungry and there is hope. Hey! its going to be work because we have a business that is failing, that we built together and she wants to try to keep it running herself. So right now, I dont know what to do. If I give her everything, in four weeks it is gone. If we go back to where we were, it may last a few months. The most important thing is that I believe in our love. Wipe away despair, bring in humility - think about it - being humble is hard - so once achieved doesnt that make you strong. Thanks for all your input - looking forward to more.
lkjh Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 How do you really know hes gay and even if he is gay plenty of gay men hook up with women. The only reason I bring this up is because the "hes gay" always comes up and usually its a smoke screen.
2sunny Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 too much evidence against her to believe the whole "he's gay" excuse. don't believe her. i wish you luck - you have a lot more facts to find and see if she's willing to give you the evidence you need for proof that she's NOT cheated/cheating. leave it up to her to prove that she didn't cheat - because it looks like she has. lots of gals have their "friends" cover for an alibi for seeing another man... happens all the time. she's just happy you believed her. find the facts- then let us know how we can help.
Gunny376 Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 Here's an update to the situation. Turns out she was not with this guy at all. He is gay and not interested. She went to dinner with a girlfriend and slept at her house. And I verified it. Deal is, that I was full of pride, and was making a mountain out of a molehill. But I refused to let my anger and emotions rule me. I was in the pit of my life, never so low. I didnt sleep for three days and was sipping water. After I found out that she wasnt with this guy, my whole mind and body changed. Now I am tired, hungry and there is hope. Hey! its going to be work because we have a business that is failing, that we built together and she wants to try to keep it running herself. So right now, I dont know what to do. If I give her everything, in four weeks it is gone. If we go back to where we were, it may last a few months. The most important thing is that I believe in our love. Wipe away despair, bring in humility - think about it - being humble is hard - so once achieved doesnt that make you strong. Thanks for all your input - looking forward to more. Three greatest lies ever told! "I love you!" "The check is in the mail!" "Hi! We're from the government and here to help!"
Gunny376 Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 Oh fourth one? I'm really gay and not trying to get into your pants!
hopesndreams Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 I hope for your sake what she says is true...it would be one less broken heart in the world, and that's a good thing. Why did she not let you know all this before, she saw you suffer, yes? And did nothing.....until later. Took her awhile to think up he's gay or didn't know you were hurting? I would do some serious investigating if I were you. Don't put your head in the sand, because if something really is going on...the longer you ignore it, the more intense things will become and then there would be no way to retrieve anything.
seibert253 Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 Here's an update to the situation. Turns out she was not with this guy at all. He is gay and not interested. She went to dinner with a girlfriend and slept at her house. And I verified it. Deal is, that I was full of pride, and was making a mountain out of a molehill. But I refused to let my anger and emotions rule me. I was in the pit of my life, never so low. I didnt sleep for three days and was sipping water. After I found out that she wasnt with this guy, my whole mind and body changed. Now I am tired, hungry and there is hope. Hey! its going to be work because we have a business that is failing, that we built together and she wants to try to keep it running herself. So right now, I dont know what to do. If I give her everything, in four weeks it is gone. If we go back to where we were, it may last a few months. The most important thing is that I believe in our love. Wipe away despair, bring in humility - think about it - being humble is hard - so once achieved doesnt that make you strong. Thanks for all your input - looking forward to more. Man many here have heard this before. Hope you didn't rely soly on her friend for "verification". In God we trust, all others we investigate. I suggest you continue to monitor her cellphone activities and computer use. Not to be nosey, or snoop, but to VERIFY. Dude, something smells fishy here. For your sake I hope I'm wrong.
Author christcg Posted June 8, 2009 Author Posted June 8, 2009 Thanks to everyone for your support. Turns out we had to close our business of which she was very emotionally attached. And of course, its my fault. Even the employees blame me. My wife keeps telling me that I am in denial and that we are not getting back together. Yet she keeps living in the same house. She wont move - at least on a trial basis. Thanks
530 Guy Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 Thanks to everyone for your support. Turns out we had to close our business of which she was very emotionally attached. And of course, its my fault. Even the employees blame me. My wife keeps telling me that I am in denial and that we are not getting back together. Yet she keeps living in the same house. She wont move - at least on a trial basis. Thanks Kick her the eff out. Tell her if she wants a doormat, there's plenty at the Motel 6 because she's not walking all over you anymore!
DNU1 Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 christcg: He's not gay...she's lying! Snoop her. keylog her computer, gps her car, voice activated recorder in her car, do everything you can to gather intel. Spectorsoft.com has great keyloggers. Flexispy.com has great software for smartphones (blackberry, iphone, etc.) Something smells rotten in denmark...and she is displaying all the typical actions of a wayward spouse! DO NOT TRUST HER RIGHT NOW! Snoop her and do not give up your sources. Please, I've been through this four times (FOUR OMs!!!). Snoop, please, snoop. Verify her whereabouts. Waywards lie, cheat and steal to keep up the affair. Your gut is telling you something is wrong...believe it. I didn't trust my gut and it was an affair...actually TWO this time around. Snoop her. Snoop her. SNOOP!
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 Why do all that snoopung when you already know the truth. we've all seen it a hundred times! Give her a choice, this friend or your marriage, no negotiations no talking no nothing. And if she chooses otherwise, do everything in your power to move on without her. She's an idiot, and you dont waste your time with idiots!
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