girliegirl1966 Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Please no judgemental individuals or haters... My husband and I fell in love and were married in 3 months. Yep, fast, I know, but we were both in our 30's, never married and felt like we didn't want to waste any time. No, I wasn't pregnant Shortly after we were married, he became verbally than physically abusive. Fast forward 4 years, many counselors later and I moved out. We've been living apart for the last 3 years, less than a mile away. We've got 2 kids, 6 years and 4 years. Today, he asked to talk about reconcilation for the 80th time. I suspected he was with another woman and confronted him and he won't answer me one way or the other. I'm no dummy. I know what the answer is. That said, am I crazy for being heart broken and really pissed off? In my eyes, he's cheated. I've never even looked at another man, let alone touched another in all these 3 years. Been living for my kids only, hoping against hope that he'd wise up. Divorce looks immenant. I've destroyed. I guess I'm just wanting to know - did I bring it all on myself (as he's said) by leaving? Or should I expect fidelity, even though we're living separately? I've gained 80 lbs. over these past 3 years from all the stress and the thought of trying to lose it and date again just makes me want to sob. Anyone's thoughts/advise/observations are welcome.
sxyNYCcpl Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 This is nothing more than one persons opinion, so give it the weight it deserves (or doesn't) but to me, expecting your "spouse" (and in this case, I use that term very, very loosely) to not have physical relations with someone after three YEARS of separation is too much to ask. I would only barely consider it cheating if a nonseparated person stepped out after 3-years of sexual abstinence unless bonafide medical reasons were to blame. It is up to you whether or not you will take this into consideration as you make whatever decisions you have to make, but I would not, and do not, consider what he's done to be "cheating". He had no relationship to betray. As for your weight gain, it can only improve your life for you to get back into shape, regardless of the future status of your "marriage".
LakesideDream Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 Regardless of the legal status, you "left" three years ago.. that's 156 weeks, .. 36 months... over a thousand days. You abandoned your right expect fidelity at some point in that process. You freely admit that you are not the same person he married. How can you hold him to a contract you broke? You left remember? Get your divorce and live the life you want to live. You are responsible for your happiness.
dashing daisy Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 Verbally and physically abusive. I think that should be the end of the story? Abusive. What is keeping you invested in this "marriage"? That you don't want to date? You're afraid you won't find someone else? What makes you want to be with this man? Maybe he cheated, maybe he didn't. It depends on what type of agreement you made when you left. I think you did the right thing leaving - but maybe it is time to finish this and just get a divorce. You deserve better.
carhill Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 Divorce looks imminent. I've destroyed. I guess I'm just wanting to know - did I bring it all on myself (as he's said) by leaving? Or should I expect fidelity, even though we're living separately? Bring it on yourself? Well, you, and he, made choices, including separating. Should you expect fidelity? IMO, no. My wife and I live in separate domiciles and I in no way would expect fidelity on her part. We made our choice to separate and proceed with a D. Physically separating rarely leads to anything else. My choice is my own. I choose not to have sexual relations with another woman while married. That choice binds only me. Good luck and get moving. You've wasted a lot of your valuable life on this. I wish you well
Chrome Barracuda Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 Is hsleeping with someone else?? 3 years seperated!!!??? OF COURSE HE IS HE'D BE A FOOL TO NOT BE! I'm sorry but you should have finalized the seperation into a divorce a year into it. Why wait so long??? Nothing is gonna change, you guys are seperated and not even living together? WTF whyu are you still married? Why stay in limbo?
whichwayisup Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 So, you two never did marriage counselling while apart? You lived your life, and he lived his? Did you two discuss separation rules? My guess is no. Get a divorce. Your kids are used to not having him around, bringing him back will only confuse them and possibly hurt them because now the chances of your marriage actually working are slim to none. Your husband seems OK with what he's done for the past 3 years, and you are upset/hurt by it. Can you forgive him, work through it?
NoIDidn't Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 I'm with the chorus: no. You haven't lived together for three years, that pretty much seems like you don't plan to reconcile. Not to mention, you say that he asked about reconciliation for "like the 80th time" like you don't want to reconcile anyway. So why does it matter if he is sleeping with someone else? It seems like you got "stuck" with the kids full time and are expecting him to be a matyr like you've made yourself by "living for the kids". That's no way to live, so maybe you should get that divorce and date too. If you don't want him (as it seems from your post), why feel "cheated on" when you don't want him?
zuluetahenry Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 I will not call it "cheating" because technically you said you two are separated for 3 long years. If you can't get on with it, its your call. I guess you are not concerned with the "sleeping habits" he had while you two are separated but more of-will he continue to sleep around if you'll reconcile with him again. Move on honey, you can think another and decide against it. Take him back and start a new or just continue filing for divorce. Its best to sought help for marriage counselors if you two are going back in each other's arm.
delajoonal Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 sounds like the emotional abuse is still gaslighting you? run sweetie..i know you think it is easy for me to say...but i am going thru my own hell...so i do know and believe me understand the abuse...both E and P... your kids come first..pour every ounce of thought you have of HIM into your kids' happinss and health...they should keep you pretty busy during the day, and enough to wear you out so you sleep good at night..those ages are pretty exhausting..i remember...oh please move on..i am not saying it as a hater, but a very compassionate mother and woman who has been there.
silktricks Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 HHhhmmmm - this is kinda close to home.... (I haven't read the whole thread so may be repeating...) Are you crazy to be heartbroken? Of course not. Your heart is what it is. Your feelings are what they are. You love(d) him. Is it cheating? Technically maybe, but you did leave him, and it's unrealistic to expect faithfulness under those circumstances. That doesn't change your pain in the slightest, though. Best of luck to you. ---- Why weren't you willing to either get a divorce or reconcile?
broadway11 Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 No...I don't consider it cheating. I don't understand why you stayed married either. Anyway you should want to lose the weight for you. If you just lose it to get a man and then gain it back....I can't see that going well.
2sure Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 You are not really married and have not been for years. And for good reason. Your biggest reason for wanting to stay married, even in name only, is because the thought of having to lose weight so you can date again makes you sob. Come on.
Montclair0011 Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 You sound terrified and alone. Get yourself some help, start dieting and join a gym. But first take a deep breath. This situation sucks big time and it's going to take a while to sort itself out. Things will get better, even if not ideal. You need to move forward - alone. Your husband did not cheat on you but he's still an abusive jerk that you don't want back. I know what it is like to feel unattractive and unwanted and to pine away for a spouse that treated me worse than a doormat. It's not easy to climb out of that kind of deep-as-a well depression. But you must. It's too toxic to stay and you will only be putting off the inevitable for another day when you will be older, and perhaps even heavier. Put one foot in front of the other. Start thinking more about you and less about him. Try not to care about what he is doing or who he is with. You need to find the strength within yourself to do better. I know it is hard. But try. Many people come out of these situations much better than they went in. A year from now, you might even be happy.
angie2443 Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 Verbally and physically abusive. I think that should be the end of the story? Abusive. What is keeping you invested in this "marriage"? That you don't want to date? You're afraid you won't find someone else? What makes you want to be with this man? Maybe he cheated, maybe he didn't. It depends on what type of agreement you made when you left. I think you did the right thing leaving - but maybe it is time to finish this and just get a divorce. You deserve better. I agree. The verbal and physical abuse is enough. I'd just divorce and keep away from this guy.
Spark1111 Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 Hmmm...what were the terms of the separation? Was counseling ever considered to repair the marriage? Do you still love him, or feel you could love him, if he changed? I know a couple who separated over the handling of a problematic teenager. Got into a real power struggle on the best way to deal with this kid. Husband moved out and started dating in secrecy. Guess what? That wasn't part of her agreement to separate. She's filed for divorce after intercepting the phone bill and calling every woman on it to tell them "You are not the only woman he calls every day." Will he go to counseling? Will you? And PS (Where is Reggie when I need him?) I was told by an attorney that you are not legally separated until the municipality you live in says you are separated, even if you live apart, or have marital relations once within a year's time, it rolls the clock back to zero.
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