Raderick Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Something I noticed over time is that a lot of people ask me about my family, especially when I never mention anything about them and they do. Now, without going much into detail, I lived with a very chaotic mother for the first 11-12 years and I don't know who my father is. To this day I don't keep in contact with my mother too often, and I have hardly a family locally besides a cousin, grandmother (who I take care of) and my sister, all whom I don't have a great relationship to begin with (again, long story.) So is this that huge of a deal?
OverThinker Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Not a deal breaker for me as long as your honest about the story and I know whats up. We don't all have big happy families.
Author Raderick Posted May 27, 2009 Author Posted May 27, 2009 Not a deal breaker for me as long as your honest about the story and I know whats up. We don't all have big happy families. Oh, I am honest about it, but maybe too honest?
SoulSearch_CO Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 I would suppose it would depend on what the "long story" was. I wouldn't necessarily discount the guy outright, but it would give me clues to how he relates to people in general.
Author Raderick Posted May 27, 2009 Author Posted May 27, 2009 I would suppose it would depend on what the "long story" was. I wouldn't necessarily discount the guy outright, but it would give me clues to how he relates to people in general. How about if it's a simple "I have no mother or father active in my life through no fault in my own?" I guess the "long story" would be how that came to be, say as a child or in adulthood.
Nagini Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 Something I noticed over time is that a lot of people ask me about my family, especially when I never mention anything about them and they do. Now, without going much into detail, I lived with a very chaotic mother for the first 11-12 years and I don't know who my father is. To this day I don't keep in contact with my mother too often, and I have hardly a family locally besides a cousin, grandmother (who I take care of) and my sister, all whom I don't have a great relationship to begin with (again, long story.) So is this that huge of a deal? Just paint yourself as an orphan much easier that way
Author Raderick Posted May 27, 2009 Author Posted May 27, 2009 Just paint yourself as an orphan much easier that way Wouldn't that just be lying? I was never an orphan.
SoulSearch_CO Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 I don't think it's a big deal. But again, it depends on what the long story is. The "how it came to be," as you put it. You say "no fault of your own," but HOW it happened can have an affect on how you relate to people. Family can truly shape who you are - and losing them even more so. But I come from an interesting family, so I'm pretty open-minded about it. It really could depend on the girl's family background as to if it's important to her. Some people place A LOT of value on that. Me....not so much, depending on what the reasons are.
lonelypiscesguy Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 My family is dysfunctional, to say the least, on both sides. For several years it has just been me and my son. My SO, on the other hand, has a very large extended family, with its fair share of troubles. She was rather sympathetic to my tales of woe, so I don't think it would be a deal breaker for everybody. If your prospective partner can't be cool with your all-too-common family situaion, they aren't right for you, IMHO.
carhill Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 OP, firstly, thank you for taking care of your family, your grandmother. Our elders deserve love, kindness and respect. So, you do really have a family. Just be honest. Example: Someone asks me about my family. I say I'm an only child, my father is dead and my mother has dementia. See, that was easy, right? Any woman of decent character would respect your honesty and commitment. The right woman for you will see your family dynamic as a deal-maker rather than deal-breaker
OverThinker Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 OP, firstly, thank you for taking care of your family, your grandmother. Our elders deserve love, kindness and respect. So, you do really have a family. Just be honest. Example: Someone asks me about my family. I say I'm an only child, my father is dead and my mother has dementia. See, that was easy, right? Any woman of decent character would respect your honesty and commitment. The right woman for you will see your family dynamic as a deal-maker rather than deal-breaker well said. No such thing as too honest :D:D
Author Raderick Posted May 29, 2009 Author Posted May 29, 2009 I don't think it's a big deal. But again, it depends on what the long story is. The "how it came to be," as you put it. You say "no fault of your own," but HOW it happened can have an affect on how you relate to people. Family can truly shape who you are - and losing them even more so. But I come from an interesting family, so I'm pretty open-minded about it. It really could depend on the girl's family background as to if it's important to her. Some people place A LOT of value on that. Me....not so much, depending on what the reasons are. Mother's a druggie who I haven't seen, actually, until Wednesday (before then, a year) and then my childhood wasn't exactly that good with her; and I don't know who my father is. Helps?
carhill Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 Doesn't change my advice or opinion. You have no control over who conspired to bring you into existence. You decide who you give your loyalty and love to and who is your "family".
sally4sara Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 I think what problem you are dealing with is the age old advise of picking a guy who has a good relationship and opinion of his mother. It is a good general rule because if a man has a good relationship and opinion of his mother, he is more likely to be capable of respect and compassion for women. I know you didn't create the circumstances of your life and you life experiences probably make it difficult to feel respect for your mother. Instead, maybe focusing on the compassion? Perhaps something in the way you talk about her when you do talk about her comes off as disdain or disgust? Even simple disapproval can color your speech patterns and body language to where it could be perceived by others that you don't like your mother. I guess working on how invested you might still be in your mothers past transgressions and how you present them to others might help. If you still carry anger for her, you give that away in conversation more than you might realize.
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