bettedaviseyes Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Hi all, I'm very new to this site, I just came across it right now, and created an account, because I feel this is the right place for me to ask advice and express what I feel in this time of confusion and my emotional wreckness of a time today. Anyways here it goes: Me and my boyfriend live a whole country apart. I live in California, he lives in the east coast. I met my boyfriend through an online forum last December. We would be posting in the same thread, and one day all of us in that certain thread called into this live online show. It was my turn in calling in, and that's when he heard my voice, and he knew I was a female. So right when I hung up, he sent me an instant message in aim. I didn't think much of him at first, other than the fact that he typed really fast and kept a good conversation going. This was during my winter break from school, so I had all day and night to talk to people online or on the phone since I was not doing anything. We ended up talking almost every night, and sometimes we would chat all day without realizing how long it has been since we started talking. I started to think he was a cool guy and enjoyed talking to him more than anyone else. So after a month of talking I started to have feelings for him. I don't know how that happened, but it did. He became like my addiction, and I knew he liked talking to me too, because he would always say how awesome I am, and that he enjoyed talking to me as well. We would drop hints to each other as clues of how we felt about each other. After 4 months of talking, he dropped the first "darling" and that's were things unfolded. We never went a day without talking to each other at least once a day for a whole month without saying an "i love you" in the morning or at night. When one would be asleep or not online, one would text or leave a message to each other saying "hope you are sleeping well" or "hope you are having a good day" followed with an "i love you." Well one day he stopped talking, and I knew he gets drunk or high sometimes, but those things never bothered me. Then it became 2 days since he didn't answer back my messages or calls. I got super worried, until on the third day I learned he was talking to a girl who was on a webcam. That made me depressed, jealous, furious, and angry. So I ended up breaking the relationship right there. I was a complete wreck after I did that and totally regretted it, I tried to get back but he said it was over. So I tried my best to get over it, and slowly recovered for a month. Then the beginning of this month, we started talking again and got back. I came back in the relationship being cautious that the same thing could leave me hurt. We both apologized to each other and saying how much we missed each other. We went back to the "i love yous" and he even mentioned marriage a couple of times. He promised he would not stop saying he loves me till the day he dies. I would have liked to believe that is true, but I know he could be exaggerating. I didn't care, I loved the feeling being loved again, and I loved him more than anyone else. It made me feel good inside, because I've never felt love like this before. So anyways, we've been back for almost a month. Then this weekend, while we were chatting online, he just stopped replying back at me. I knew he had trouble with seeing my IMs sometimes because they didn't show up sometimes. But for a fact I know they always do. I thought he might have fell asleep or there was problems with his aim. I tried messaging him again yesterday, still no answer, then today as well, no answer. I don't know what to think, does this mean the relationship is over? Do I wait for him to start talking to me? Or do I just drop everything? How do I cope with this? I'm so confused and I can't stop thinking about him all day, and it worries me that he might have dumped me without telling me. I apologize for such a long post, but I would appreciate any advice given, because I'm really desperate for answers right now. Thank you.
Lucky_One Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 I am always leery of online only relationships, especially if the people are very young. Have you ever spoken on the phone, just the two of you? Have you ever webcammed, so that you can really see each other and see how the other person lives (well, as much as you can with a webcam)? How old are you, and is this your first relationship? Any plans on flying to see each other in person? There are SO many players on the internet - and SO many people who say they are someone that they really are not. I am pretty jaded on stories like this, so I may not be the best one to give advice on this situation!
Author bettedaviseyes Posted May 26, 2009 Author Posted May 26, 2009 This is my third relationship, but first serious and first online relationship. He's 21 and I'm 18. We both do not have webcams, but we do have cameras. We do talk on the phone as much as we could when we have time, but lately that has not happened. We had plans of seeing each other in person. I was planning on flying out to see him this summer, and he was planning on flying out to my area next winter.
Lucky_One Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 But no firm plans made yet? Have you tried calling him? Does he still at home with his folks? Can you call his house to make sure that he's ok?
Rollercoasterr Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 A webcam costs $10. Get one. Sometimes even your camera will have the webcam ability. One of mine does. It really disturbs me when people who are in online relationships say that they don't have a webcam. Granted some people have an excuse(Island Girl), but there's absolutely no reason in this world why the two of you don't. I also find it really odd that he was talking to a girl on webcam, but you say that he doesn't have one. Really, if he just falls of the face of the earth like that I see no reason why you're holding on. Please honey, do yourself a favor. When a guy falls off the face of the earth like that not once, but twice, fall of the face of the earth yourself and never talk to him again. By allowing him to continue like this you're telling him it's alright. And it's not!
KikiW Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 I agree with everything Roller says, except the webcams I am not a fan of them myself, but I am also living in the same house with my soon-to-be ex and 8 year old daughter who is not yet fully aware of the nature of my relationship with my LDR. This guy sounds like he's jerking you around a bit too much for my taste. Guys like that need to be pruned from your life immediately or they tend to hand out a lot more hurt then you need to go through before its finally over. If he's on the level, he will make the effort to be with you. If he doesn't make the effort, he's not worth your time or energy.
Rollercoasterr Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 I agree with everything Roller says, except the webcams I am not a fan of them myself, but I am also living in the same house with my soon-to-be ex and 8 year old daughter who is not yet fully aware of the nature of my relationship with my LDR. You would be one with an excuse. But really, webcams come standard on most computers nowadays. And it's fine if some people aren't fans of them and just generally don't want to do it, but when you're young and see all these terrible things happening on TV to people who have been abducted by people they met online, I think a webcam is essential. Doesn't have to be used, but I think people at least need to have one on hand. Just my opinion and I do have to agree with KikiW that some people might not feel the need for a webcam, especially those with young children. Seeing mommy's "friend" blow her kisses on a webcam might not be the best thing for a child to see if the parents are going through a divorce or are recently divorced. Considering the age of the OP(I'm only 20, so I'm not trying to talk down to you OP), I think that she needs to have solid proof that this guy is who he says he is before she would ever consider meeting him. But in the current situation, he has fallen off the face of the earth so who knows if he'll ever come back. But considering that you've never met before I would say that he's got a secret if he just keeps dissapearing like that.
Author bettedaviseyes Posted May 26, 2009 Author Posted May 26, 2009 He lives with his brother, lucky, and I don't really know how I can get in contact with his brother. I've been considering calling his work to talk to him, but I don't know how that would go. Roller, that makes sense, I can't be certain that he does not have a webcam. I never thought about in investing one because I was comfortable not having one. Seeing as how things are now, I should have gotten one. Whenever I feel ignored like this, it makes me just want to do the same and ignore him. It's really hard for me to just let him go, because I feel like I would be throwing away a good chunk of my year with him. I know it's not a healthy relationship if it would continue on like this, and I don't want him to think that what he's doing is alright, because it's certainly not! I know I shouldn't be "clingy" but I can't help but wonder where he's at or what he's doing when he doesn't answer my calls or messages.
Island Girl Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 Whenever I feel ignored like this, it makes me just want to do the same and ignore him. You should. And forever. It's really hard for me to just let him go, because I feel like I would be throwing away a good chunk of my year with him. This makes no sense. "I feel like I have to stay and waste even more time with this lame guy who treats me like crap because I already wasted almost a year." -- ? To me you have spent almost a year too long. But chalk it up to a learning experience - learning what you don't want and reestablishing what you do in fact want from a relationship. All of this along with a good dose of "I deserve WAY more than this and deserve to be treated WAY better than this" should be your take away. If one of your friends treated you like this would you still consider them a friend? Because I wouldn't. And certainly not if the behavior was repeated! I know it's not a healthy relationship if it would continue on like this, and I don't want him to think that what he's doing is alright, because it's certainly not! No it certainly isn't. But the first time you put up with it and he excused himself back in you taught him it was okay to treat you this way and that you would put up with it. If you accept it now you can expect far worse next time. And there will be a next time as long as you are still around to experience it. I know I shouldn't be "clingy" but I can't help but wonder where he's at or what he's doing when he doesn't answer my calls or messages. It isn't being "clingy". He isn't showing you even basic courtesy at this point. And you are a fool if you stay with him after he has treated you so badly not once but twice.
Author bettedaviseyes Posted June 2, 2009 Author Posted June 2, 2009 Thanks for all the advise and honest opinions, I really appreciate it. He ended up talking to me again, but then he's at it again. So at this point I don't want to have anything to do with him anymore. I think it's time for me to stop waiting for an answer and just move on.
Rollercoasterr Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 Thanks for all the advise and honest opinions, I really appreciate it. He ended up talking to me again, but then he's at it again. So at this point I don't want to have anything to do with him anymore. I think it's time for me to stop waiting for an answer and just move on. I personally think that you should have never spoken to him again when he did it the first time. But that's just me.
Author bettedaviseyes Posted June 2, 2009 Author Posted June 2, 2009 I personally think that you should have never spoken to him again when he did it the first time. But that's just me. Yes, I know I made a mistake by talking to him again. Now if he does try to talk to me I'll just ignore him because that's what he did to me.
brown_cow_eyez Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 It never gets better. I think I'm learning that once they do it, its just a series of repeats after that. He will give you just enough so that you don't move on to something bigger and better. To guys like him and K its a game to see if they can get away with what they want and see if you will stay. I seen that you also asked how to cope with it.. No one can tell you how to cope with losing something you were so invested in. Best advice I have is when you think about him, your relationship. Just replace those thoughts with the things hes doing and the thought that maybe he wasnt who you thought he was and there has to be something 100x better than that out there for you. My thing with K was that I didnt want anyone else and I was there for the long haul no matter what because when he was there he gave me what I needed (when he wasnt mad) I thought I knew him and it was comfortable. If you arent at least 98% happy with him he isnt the one for you hun.
Author bettedaviseyes Posted June 3, 2009 Author Posted June 3, 2009 Whenever I start to think about him, I try to push the thought aside of what we could have had if we were together, because that just makes me more depressed. I've been trying to get out of the house a lot in order to distract my mind. I'm only 18, and I know that I'll be able to meet someone else.He made me more than 100% happy, but since he's been ignoring my calls and messages, I feel like I don't exist to him anymore. I'm trying my best to stay strong about this, and I am trying not to give into temptation to contact him. I just wish he would tell me that he doesn't want to be with me anymore. Any form of closure would be a big relief to me. I know he's obviously not worth my time anymore, but we're talking about a man that I loved with all my soul. I just wanted closure, because right now I don't know if he still consider's me someone he loves. I just know that he see's my messages but I get no response.
Rollercoasterr Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 As harsh as this may sound, if he's not answering your calls and he's ignoring you then he does not consider you a person that he loves. That's just not the way that you treat someone that is supposed to mean a lot to you. The sooner that you accept that, the easier this will all become. If you meant anything at all to him, then he wouldn't treat you this way. And I'm not just saying that because I'm an outsider looking in, and all I've heard is your side to the story. I'm saying it because it is the truth. No man, or woman will ignore someone like that and still consider the other person as someone they love and care about. And don't look at if like you don't exist to him anymore. Get fed up, and look at it like he doesn't exist to YOU anymore.
Author bettedaviseyes Posted June 3, 2009 Author Posted June 3, 2009 The truth is harsh, but it is true. I'm trying to come to reality that I'm someone he doesn't love anymore since he's been ignoring me. I'm deleting all of his emails to me right now as we speak. I'm cleaning up my memory of him. Sometimes I wish The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind was real. If it was, I would have had my memory erased of him the first time we broke up.
Author bettedaviseyes Posted June 29, 2009 Author Posted June 29, 2009 Well it's been a while since I've been on here, but here's an update: After all the confusion and waiting, we went back to normal for a while, and things went well. We were back to making fun of each other, and sometimes argue, which ends in an ocean of "I love yous." Our plans to see each other still continued, and we were both pretty happy. Now comes this week, well literally last week, things started good like usual. Then came friday, the 26th. I woke up with a text from him like I always do, and it always made my day. I had the day off, so I had nothing to do but watch movies and go online. I knew he had work, but the time difference allows me to talk to him when he gets off. I messaged him and tried to call him but no response. I thought that was alright, because it happens sometimes when he misses the call. Then I decided to go on facebook, I found out he deleted his facebook. From there on I had a very bad feeling. I didn't think much of the deletion, but I had a bad feeling coming over me that day. I decided to go have dinner and go shopping with my mom. I then come back home, expecting to see a message from him on my computer from my instant message. I did see a message from him, and took a glimpse of what he wrote. I saw some words that I suspected that was not good. I knew from there it was over. I get up and wonder around the house for a bit to think and take a breath. I go back to read, and it was over. He told me that someone recently came in his life, and that they feel the same way about him as he does them. So that we cannot continue the relationship anymore. He said he still wanted to be friends and still chat and all.I dont know but I feel that the break up was kind of a good thing.
hoping2heal Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 Wow, very sad However, I agree the breakup WAS a good thing. Because instead of investing your heart into someone who doesn't love you, you are no longer going down that road. Sorry for your loss and pain.
boogieboy Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 He moved on to someone who he could see in PERSON. That should be something you should do. Youre 18, you can find someone who will treat you right within a 50 mile radius. Go find him!
Author bettedaviseyes Posted July 1, 2009 Author Posted July 1, 2009 Thanks all, I've been taking it much better than I thought. In a weird way, I feel a bit more relieved. I am not tied down to the computer during my breaks, or waiting for a reply or call. I'm still open minded about long distance relationships, or love in general, but I don't think I will ever have another LDR. It's just too much for me. Like what boogieboy said, I'm only 18, I can still find someone. I have no regrets having been in this relationship though. We will still keep in contact and be friends across the country, but for now I do not feel like talking to him because I am still a bit upset to have a normal day to day phone call with him. We've both been through quite an ordeal of events. I just need some time till I am able to talk to him again, but I don't want to shut him out of my life completely. The breakup I think was beneficial for the both of us. We both get to move on and have people close by to us. The relationship was just bound to become unhealthier.
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