Seriously?! Can 2 months of long distance ruin a 5+ year relationship?

[SophieA]

Hello everyone. I'm super super down today. Talked w/ med school LD BF on Skype last night and it was dull, again. He's preparing for his first round of block exams (huge tests...make up 1/3 of grade for the course) and he's busy and I feel like I'm wasting his time. We're still not out of the "rut" we've been in as far as communication. There's just nothing new to tell.

 

Anyway, I told him last night "I miss you. I hate this because I feel like I've been removed from your life. I don't feel very close to you right now. I want my boyfriend back."

 

He said "You kind of are, I mean, I'm constantly studying. There's not much room for anything else. When I'm not studying, I'm hanging out w/ my roomie and classmates. This is the hardest thing I've ever done. I miss you."

 

When I start thinking about the fact that we still have 18 months of LD to get through, I start getting sick to my stomach. If we're already feeling the distance after two months...how will we survive the next 18?!

 

Do you guys think visits help? Do they bring the closeness back to the relationship? I'm so afraid of it being awkward...but how can it be awkward when we've dated over 5 years and this man is my best friend?!

 

Sorry about this post..it's all over the place. But if anyone has any words of advice or whatever, it would be SO APPRECIATED! Thanks.

[Rollercoasterr]

Visits help, but as anyone here will tell you, the hardest time is after the visit it over. If you're having problems and doubts now, then I say with a heavy heart that I don't think it's beneficial for you to stay in the relationship. I'm a big believer in doing what makes you happy, and right now honey, this isn't making YOU happy. But of course, as always, I admit that I can be wrong.

 

I'm not saying run right out and break up with him because some stranger told you to. I'm saying to sit back and really think about the situation. Decide what you think is good for you. Is it to stay in the relationship, or is it to go seperate ways, and see if you can come back together once he feels like his life is calmed down enough to handle a girlfriend.

 

But...I do have to say that it seems like you are trying way more in this than he is. You're worrying about the relationship and how to make it work, and he's busy hanging out with all of his friends. Granted that he shouldn't be staying in all the time waiting to talk to you, but it's unfair that they get more attention than his 5 year girlfriend is getting. I'd be pissed about that, but I don't know the whole story as I'm not in your relationship.

 

Take a day or so, think about the bigger picture. Can you handle being in his background for another 18 months?

[Maggs]

I think the test for me was our first visit after being apart for so long. If we were just as much in love and as passionate about being together in the long run then we were before we went LD, then I knew we'd be ok. And every visit just confirmed that nothing had changed between us, in fact it made us stronger. I would suggest not to make any decisions until you see each other for a visit. Decide how you are as a couple, then go from there. No one is ever truly happy when they're in an LDR, we say it all the time and I've seen it on here. You're more going through the motions of life then truly living.

 

My fiance is terribly busy with work most times and we sometimes have days and weeks with nothing but short conversations and him being stressed with work. But if you can make it through a short time apart and are just as much in love, then you'll probably withstand the whole time apart.

[LonelyTiger]

Hi Sophie. You do seem to be having a tough time with your LDR and it's such early days that I have to agree with Rollercoasterr.

 

In my experience it doesn't get any easier, so if you're struggling now, how are you going to cope for the next 18 months? LDRs do take at least some effort on both sides and if you are the only one who is holding the relationship together, which seems to be the case, you could find resentment setting in and your emotions may start to get the better of you.

 

In our case, regular visits definitely help to strengthen the bond but, to be absolutely honest with you, we have never experienced the emotional distance that you seem to be talking about. I sometimes feels a bit excluded from his new life but I never doubt that I'm always in his heart, just as he is in mine.

 

And, again, I agree with Rollercoasterr - the time following the visit is the worst time ever so, although I would never give up the time we do have, I'm always prepared for the aftermath, which isn't fun.

 

Perhaps you could arrange a visit, even if it's a short one, just to talk about your feelings. He should be able to find some time to see you even if he has to give up his usual social time with his classmates.

 

If you're struggling to communicate on the phone and feeling some distance, I imagine it must be difficult for either of you to be completely open, so maybe you need to go see him and have a good heart to heart. You might then be in a better position to decide what's best for both of you.

[Island Girl]

Hi SophieA

 

I have experienced times of emotional misses. The times where we seem to be on two different pages and I am feeling neglected.

 

I have learned that these times he is feeling the same way. He is feeling removed and emotionally neglected.

 

It is much easier now and we don't have the questioning of he relationship anymore because we have already been through so much time and distance. So there is no question of the commitment or importance of the relationship on either side.

 

You are transitioning from being in person to being long distance. It requires different communication to keep a relationship strong. I am not sure he is making this adjustment.

 

As Rolercoasterr said I don't know why the people he is around now get more time and effort than you do. Right now you and your relationship need more. He has to readjust how he talks to you.

You do too but I think it is sometimes easier for women. We are chatty creatures aren't we? We can talk and paint a picture for the other person of what was seen, heard, and felt in any situation in our day.

Men aren't generally like that.

Hell. My husband isn't like that even now. But he does ask questions about me and what goes on here. He listens to me prattle on about whatever.

 

My brother just moved so we had quite a conversation about that - he used to live here so he was recalling streets and logistics to have a clear picture of where I was talking about.

 

What normally used to be little and insignificant to talk about (because he was there and seeing things for himself as were you) should make it into the conversation. Especially on his side since you have never seen what he is seeing or been where is is going.

So he has plenty he could be talking about to keep you a part of things.

 

And he should be asking about you and what is going on there.

 

I remember there were times when we first went long distance when I would say things like, "You don't even care about me here. You don't ask about me or my life here. You talk about you and then you and me and that's it! I have stuff going on here too you know!"

 

It was kind of ridiculous because just like my long winded posts I could talk to him and say whatever I want.

 

But he started making an effort to say, "How are the babies? How is the car running? How is the house? What is going on over there?"

I don't think he wants that time of bitching and complaining to ever resurface so he still asks those things.

 

There was an adjustment period while we figured out how to meet each others needs within the confines of the distance. And we fought about things. And we missed each other. We'd not get along for a few days and then we'd have some sort of a break through and have a really long wonderful loving conversation. Then things would be good for a while and then on of those patches would happen again.

 

One of my friends was fantastic during those times. She would say, "of course you miss him and you're sad but how do you expect him to fix that from there?"

 

And that was so true. When I talked to him I wanted more from him. I had some sort of expectations (I don't know where they came from).

 

In the end I adjusted my expectations according to what he could do and he adjusted how he was communicating to make it work.

We are fine now. And we have made it through many years against the odds.

 

 

I hope all of that helps in some way.

[hoping2heal]

You know what I think? I think you've been thrown smack into a situation that either one of you were prepared for or knew how to handle. I've read a lot of your posts and I noticed one thing that seems to really pre occupy you is the thought of him falling for someone else because you're not there, or forgetting about you because you can't be there. If he loves you, he isn't going to forget; have FAITH in that.

 

In short, I think you are psyching yourself out. Firstly, to adress the "boring" not every day in a LDR (or from what I observe a ppr (physical proximity relationship) are fun and happy. They just aren't, some days you feel the magic. Your emotions boil over, you're so in love that you can't see straight. Then there's other days, you feel eh, meh, ugh. This is NORMAL, not everyday in a relationship is disneyland I bet if you think back to the 5 past years of your ppr you'll think of times when things seemed kind of dull or bland on certain days. It doesn't mean the love is fading or missing, it's just the nature of the beast some days.

 

Here's something to give a try to that honestly, just makes my whole little world go round. Right now, my babe is involved in some really stressful, intensive, work on an idea he's sprung all by himself nonetheless (so you can imagine how much work and time he has to put in! ) Lately we don't have that time to just sit and talk for hours or chat online, etc. BUT One thing we have done on some of the days is; I have a wireless mic and we go on voice, um 80 percent of the time we don't even speak to eachother. He's doing his thing on his end, and on my end I'm working or doing my thing. BUT, I feel SO close to him. It really makes my whole day just knowing "he's there". It's a way to bond and be "together" during a time when he really can't give me a lot of chat time because it's so very important that he gets his tasks done.

 

In fact, it's been all about the little things lately. We've had a lot less time, but I feel like that's made me really appreciate what we do have so very much more. That's what you need to do, you need to find something you can do that makes you feel close while you're apart. Do thoughtful things like send care packages,etc.

 

I think you're just new and a little unprepared for what you're going through, but if you really want to make this work and the feeling from him is mutual it CAN. But, putting ideas in your head about him forgetting about you because there's other attractive women around, etc. isn't going to help your sanity. At one point I was a bit of a spaz and didn't like the idea of my bf being around other women; but now I realise I'm being ridiculous. If he loves me, he's going to love me regardless of other women; they will always be around no matter what and there's nothing that can be done. Besides, I'd rather know he's with me on his account not my trying to "control" the situation elsewise. Now, I just relax about it.I've made the decision to trust him and I'm sticking to that Have faith in him, have faith in yourself.

 

All the best

 

Oh P.S - I second what island girl was saying, I don't think it's right that other people get more of his time than you BUT it's certainly possible that he just doesn't know how to really handle this yet either. So just talk to him, let him know what you'd like and learn to reach a compromise. Relationships will never cease to be about problem solving, compromising, and negotiating

[SophieA]

Hey thank you to everyone for their responses. I guess I should clarify: he does make time for me...we talk on Skype 3-6 times a week and he sends little emails during the day. Usually talk on the phone once a week too.

 

I think in many ways it's harder to have a close distance relationship and then move into LD vs. being LD the entire time. I honestly do believe that maybe this is just our adjustment period.

 

I'm not ready to give up on this. I just don't want to feel so down.

[Rollercoasterr]

Because it's so much easier to have ALWAYS been without your SO than to have made fond memories to look back and remember?

 

Sorry, but you have 5 years worth of pictures and memories and things that you're taking for granted here. If you're not ready to give up, then don't give up. Fight for what you love and if that's him, then so be it. But don't sit there and try and justify this behavior and your feelings with the fact that you think that your type of relationship is harder. It's the same as the rest of us. At least you got to experience 5 years of wonderful things with him, versus some of us having ALWAYS been long distance and only getting to see our other halves a few weeks out of that year.

 

I love you dearly, but that tweaked a nerve. It just really bothers me when people act like those of us who have always been long distance have it easier because we are somehow accustomed to this lifestyle. Like it doesn't bother us to be apart. It does, and it hurts like hell. Just like yours does. Sorry if I sounded a little mean. This is in no way directed towards you personally, it's more of a rant at life. I really do <3 you and think you're a sweetheart.

[Bearandsue]

I second everything Rollercoaster said. My SO and I have always been LDR except for 6 months we lived together. Even then it was hard because we knew we would be apart again and had no idea at the time for how long.

 

We have never spent either of our birthdays together, never spent an anniversary, never spent a valentine's day together in person. Believe me those days were the hardest for the both of us.

 

I guess its all perspective. No matter how hard you think you have it I am sure if you read some of the posts on here you will see you are "luckier" than most. You have 5 whole years of memories. That is a solid structure to build from.

 

I am not implying that it is easy for you, no LDR is easy but I think you should focus more on the positive stuff. Believe me when I tell you, If you don't then you will be so depressed and it will wear your relationship down. That is from my personal experience.

 

I used to get so depressed I would literally cry all the time. My SO didn't know what to do to cheer me up. That made him depressed as well because he does not like seeing me sad. That was just me thinking on all the bad stuff and not focusing on the positive.

 

You have to be strong or you are dooming your relationship.

[SophieA]

Whoa, whoa. I wasn't trying to imply that it was so much easier for you all!!! I'm not trying to justify anything! I'm truly sorry if I upset you, it wasn't my intention at all! I know it's hard for everyone!

 

I guess I just said that because we had planned to move in together (had he gotten into a med school in the US) and this sort of ruined all of our plans... Maybe what I meant was it's hard for me since we were together in the first place and never anticipated having this distance...where as some of you met your s/o's with the distance already in place...

 

Am I making any sense?? I doubt it. But I really am sorry, and I thank you all for your responses.

[Els]

Hi Sophie,

 

Sorry you're feeling down. Everyone's already addressed being strong, looking at the positive side of things, etc, so I won't repeat that.

 

The hardest part is just after separation. That's when you feel the difference the most. And that's the make-or-break point, IMO. If you manage to get through that first few months, it does get easier -- for me, at least.

 

Visits certainly help, for me. They sure give you something to look forward to, and clear a lot of doubts. I never felt awkward, maybe nervous and exhilarated to the point of being highly-strung for the first few minutes or so, but never awkward.

 

I hope you don't mind me asking you a question that I think is relevant to this: Do you think he spends more time with his friends than you, and thus prioritizing them over you? Or instead do you just feel left out that he's going on with life without you?

 

Also, why do you feel like you're 'wasting his time'? No particular reason, or you seem to read that in his 'vibe'?

[SophieA]

Hi Els- No, I don't think he's spending more time with his friends than me. Only on the weekends, and that is to be expected.

 

And he doesn't make me feel like I'm wasting his time. It's just me thinking "geez, he's been on skype w/ me for an hour and a half...he should be studying." I just don't ever want him to feel like I'm keeping him from studying and doing well in school. He's always wanted to be a doctor. (But again, he never makes me FEEL like I'm wasting his time.)

 

Something happened last night that really sort of opened my eyes. My brother in law called me at 1 am, woke me up of course, and told me to come over right away (my sister was at work). I did, and it turns out that he was having bad chest pain, blurry vision, and numbness on his right side. I rushed him to the ER and it turns out he had a heart attack. He's only 34 years old.

 

I guess it just really showed me that we have to let the little things go. And after my experience last night..this just doesn't seem that important. I'm just going to have to take it day by day, and as long as my bf shows me that he loves me and treats me right, I'm just going to have to hang on.

 

Thanks everyone for your repsonses.