pandagirl Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Hey guys, so not to bring up the whole herpes things again, haha, but I have a question to ask: I will never NOT tell a person I'm dating that I don't have herpes. I will always tell. That being said, I'm wondering at what point to exactly tell (obviously before sex). The last guy I dated that I told, I told on the fourth date. I had spent the night at his place on the 3rd date, although nothing went beyond making out with all our clothes on. I knew we were headed towards sex, so that I why I told him on the fourth date. Now, I have a second date tonight. The first date, we did a lot of making out. I don't plan on telling him so soon, but I feel if we end up making out a lot again -- nothing beyond first or second base -- is this in a way leading him on, or can be construed as me being dishonest? I'd like to hear people's opinions. thanks!
JLee26 Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 My brother dated a girl who had herpes, she didn't tell him until to late and well now he is infected. He literally felt like a death sentence has been put on his head. In his opinion he felt he should have been told before anything (i mean kissing, cuddling,touchy feely) happened. and i totally agree.
carhill Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 IMO, it depends on your emotional attachment/sexual attachment dynamic style. If you go straight to sex and/or emotional attachment, sooner. If you wait, especially for sex, later. IMO, at the point you move beyond romantic non-sexual physical contact, that's the time. Personally, if I had a STD which was of concern, like HSV, and knew it, I would err on the 'sooner' side, but that's in line with my philosophy of full disclosure. Good luck with the new guy!
amaysngrace Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 If I had herpes I'd wait until things got hot and heavy because by the time things get hot and heavy you pretty much know that person or should. But if I had it in my mouth I would say something before I kissed them.
Author pandagirl Posted May 26, 2009 Author Posted May 26, 2009 In general, I like to wait at least a month and/or 7-8 dates for sex to happen. I'm not really one to hop in he sack. I feel like this guy and I have a lot of chemistry both intellectually and physically. I don't want anyone to feel like I "tricked" them into liking me, but I also want to give a person enough time to get to know me well enough before I tell them.
Untouchable_Fire Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 In general, I like to wait at least a month and/or 7-8 dates for sex to happen. I'm not really one to hop in he sack. I feel like this guy and I have a lot of chemistry both intellectual and physical. I don't want anyone to feel like I "tricked" anyone into liking me, but I also want to give a person enough time to get to know me well enough before I tell them. It's not like you need to get a forehead tattoo. What your doing is just fine. Make sure he knows before anything physical happens. That should include kissing.
Author pandagirl Posted May 26, 2009 Author Posted May 26, 2009 It's not like you need to get a forehead tattoo. What your doing is just fine. Make sure he knows before anything physical happens. That should include kissing. That's what I mean, we've already kissed -- a lot. I don't have HSV orally though, FYI.
carhill Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Hmm... a month after meeting a relative stranger.... I'd tell him soon, especially if you're already directly stimulating each other sexually. That said, if he has indicated by his actions (stopping such stimulation) and words (telling you) that he wants to wait longer, then I might perhaps adjust my advice. What I don't want to see you in is a cascade situation where he gets to a tipover point where he becomes more aggressive sexually and you're forced to disclose at an uncomfortable and/or inopportune moment. Make sense?
amaysngrace Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 I disagree with Carhill. I say let him make the choice in the heat of the moment.
Author pandagirl Posted May 26, 2009 Author Posted May 26, 2009 Hmm... a month after meeting a relative stranger.... I'd tell him soon, especially if you're already directly stimulating each other sexually. That said, if he has indicated by his actions (stopping such stimulation) and words (telling you) that he wants to wait longer, then I might perhaps adjust my advice. What I don't want to see you in is a cascade situation where he gets to a tipover point where he becomes more aggressive sexually and you're forced to disclose at an uncomfortable and/or inopportune moment. Make sense? Yes, that makes sense. Ugh. You know, I'm not ashamed that I have herpes and I know it doesn't change who I am, but in these situations I get so sad and frustrated. I've just tried so hard my entire life to do the right thing, being honest with people and compassionate, and I got this thing from a jerk ex-boyfriend who cheated on me. Sometimes I feel like crying when I have to face the possibility of rejection and having someone judge me on something that has nothing to do with who I am.
carhill Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 I disagree with Carhill. I say let him make the choice in the heat of the moment. That's a real risk if the OP values the long-term potential of the relationship, in my opinion as a man. If a woman did that to me, I'd be gone, literally. Sorry.Sometimes I feel like crying when I have to face the possibility of rejection and having someone judge me on something that has nothing to do with who I am.A healthy man will 'judge' you by how you treat him, not by factors outside of your control. You cannot control the health condition which you have, only how you care for yourself and disclose it as necessary to those who might be at risk for infection from you. FWIW, it doesn't change my sterling opinion of you as a person one bit, nor would it of any woman I encountered. In a healthy relationship, such issues are worked through as a team. Emphasis on "team".
amaysngrace Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 That's a real risk if the OP values the long-term potential of the relationship, in my opinion as a man. If a woman did that to me, I'd be gone, literally. Sorry. I don't really know anyway. I've never been in this situation so I couldn't say for sure. I don't know how people respond to this kind of information and I don't know how I'd respond because I've never been told this information. I have no business being here.
Author pandagirl Posted May 26, 2009 Author Posted May 26, 2009 That's a real risk if the OP values the long-term potential of the relationship, in my opinion as a man. If a woman did that to me, I'd be gone, literally. Sorry.A healthy man will 'judge' you by how you treat him, not by factors outside of your control. You cannot control the health condition which you have, only how you care for yourself and disclose it as necessary to those who might be at risk for infection from you. FWIW, it doesn't change my sterling opinion of you as a person one bit, nor would it of any woman I encountered. In a healthy relationship, such issues are worked through as a team. Emphasis on "team". Thanks, Carhill. That was sweet. Sometimes I feel really strong and know I can take whatever the cards deal me. And sometimes I feel sorry for myself. haha. I think it's because I am starting to really like this guy. Part of me just wants to break it off before anything starts.
carhill Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Just ask yourself this question and answer it honestly. "Do I want to be invested in a healthy relationship with this man, right now, at this point in my life?". Act accordingly
Trialbyfire Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 pandagirl, many people won't agree with me but here goes. I would disclose sooner, rather than later. The reason being is that it also prevents you from getting further invested in someone who's unable to proceed forward after the disclosure. Also, HSV-1 has less recurrence, than HSV-2. If you have the former, you're less likely to transmit, due to the lower number of recurrences, as long as you avoid genital contact during the sporadic outbreaks.
Jilly Bean Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 The right and true thing to do is tell them on the FIRST date. I think ANYTHING that can be construed as a deal-breaker, ie. kids, smoking, being separated, an STD, should be discussed IMMEDIATELY. Anything else is entirely deceptive, and the person withholding the information is doing so in hopes that the other person will be ultimately be emotionally engaged enough to overlook it. I think we show people the ultimate respect when we allow them free choice to be involved in our life. Hiding information, particularly when it relates to having an incurable and highly contagious STD, is morally wrong.
Untouchable_Fire Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 That's what I mean, we've already kissed -- a lot. I don't have HSV orally though, FYI. You should have told him before you kissed! That isn't fair to spring that on him after getting physical. That virus is transmittable in more ways than just sex.
Author pandagirl Posted May 26, 2009 Author Posted May 26, 2009 Yeah, I agree with sooner than later, but on the first date? Before kissing? This, I do not agree on. I'm not trying to "trap" him, and I'm slightly insulted that some people are insinuating so.
Untouchable_Fire Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Yeah, I agree with sooner than later, but on the first date? Before kissing? This, I do not agree on. I'm not trying to "trap" him, and I'm slightly insulted that some people are insinuating so. Doesn't it make sense that you inform him before any intimate touching occurs? When the virus is live... and sometimes you wont be able to tell... you can transfer it by touch. It lives in skin cells, so any epithelial tissue could potentially be a host!
Author pandagirl Posted May 26, 2009 Author Posted May 26, 2009 Doesn't it make sense that you inform him before any intimate touching occurs? When the virus is live... and sometimes you wont be able to tell... you can transfer it by touch. It lives in skin cells, so any epithelial tissue could potentially be a host! Oh yes, yes. I wouldn't go that far into intimacy without telling him! We've just kissed so far.
Untouchable_Fire Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Oh yes, yes. I wouldn't go that far into intimacy without telling him! We've just kissed so far. Well, for the record, I think kissing is too far. As a guy I would be very angry if I found out after a long make out session. However, it's your life, you may do as you please.
carhill Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 PG, is this new guy a relative stranger to you or someone with whom you have established rapport and history, perhaps an acquaintance or friend of a friend? IMO, as you proceed, you send out signals to the man which he responds to. How you feel about these make-out sessions and interactions colors his response and growing attachment to and/or interest in you. If the situation were reversed, and he had HSV, when would you want to be disclosed?
Author pandagirl Posted May 26, 2009 Author Posted May 26, 2009 PG, is this new guy a relative stranger to you or someone with whom you have established rapport and history, perhaps an acquaintance or friend of a friend? IMO, as you proceed, you send out signals to the man which he responds to. How you feel about these make-out sessions and interactions colors his response and growing attachment to and/or interest in you. If the situation were reversed, and he had HSV, when would you want to be disclosed? He is pretty much a relative stranger -- met him online. I agree with you, Carhill -- I have to read his signals. I'm going to see him tonight -- second date -- and if it feels right and it seems like there is a growing attachment to me, I might just tell him.
MeaganRaye Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Herpes is not as bad as everyone makes it out to be. Isn't it just a few outbreaks like bumps on the genital area? It's not dehabilitating.
MeaganRaye Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 The right and true thing to do is tell them on the FIRST date. I think ANYTHING that can be construed as a deal-breaker, ie. kids, smoking, being separated, an STD, should be discussed IMMEDIATELY. Anything else is entirely deceptive, and the person withholding the information is doing so in hopes that the other person will be ultimately be emotionally engaged enough to overlook it. I think we show people the ultimate respect when we allow them free choice to be involved in our life. Hiding information, particularly when it relates to having an incurable and highly contagious STD, is morally wrong. I wouldn't tell anyone on the first date, that is just too much information early on. If you told every person on the first date then there would be too many ppl out there that know your personal business.
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