hikaru Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 So, I've been with my girlfriend for 5 years, we're both 25. We met as sophomores in college. I have a hard time remembering the feelings we had for eachother back then, but they were strong, as is typical. We live together now, it will have been 1 year in August. Before that I was in graduate school and she was working, so we'd see eachother on weekends. The problem is, I don't fee it anymore. I love her, and I feel this incredible guilt and horrible anxiety when I imagine leaving, but when we're together, the connection feels missing. I can't remember when we last had a conversation about anything other than the daily events. Of course the sex life is bad, it never really was all that amazing, or prominent. I'm her first, and it almost always takes a long time to get her ready, and then we've got maybe 10 minutes before she looses "wetness". I'm not even complaining about the sex, because we go maybe a month without it, and even though it bugs me to think about, during the times of no sexual intimacy, I'm indifferent to it. Is that a signal of something on it's own? I've talked to her about all this, that I feel disconnected, and she is so hurt by it. It's not even that though, when she kisses me, I usually feel nothing, the few times we have sex, it's definitely physically satisfying, but overall, I still feel like it's just going through the motions. I love her, I do, I can't stand to see her saddened by this. I'm her first, and she loves me so much, she does so much for me, to put her through my uncertainty is killing me. I don't know what to do. Stay, and enjoy the comfort of someone who I love, and am loved by, but don't really have any passion with, or get out now before it's too late? The only other option is to attempt to re-connect, and we're going to try, but like I said, the fact that she knows I have these feelings is killing her, and every now and then, she breaks down. We have 5 years of great memories, I just don't know if I want to stay in this relationship. I was away this weekend, and I didn't really think about her except to talk to my friend about the situation. She asked me if I missed her when i got home, and I couldn't answer her...I couldn't say "no", but she knew I didn't. I can't stay if this is what our future will be like, but it's killing me to leave, because for the last 5 years it's just been us, she's been my life. I need help, and I'm sorry if I'm all over the place, I'm a huge mess of emotion, my stomach hurts, and my heart aches. Thanks
openbook08 Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 aww hikaru, sadly this happens. ive been there, 5years too except in your girlfriends place. that does not mean that im gonna have a go at you. . . the unfortunate fact is that you WILL hurt her either way. but she WILL be ok. its how you handle things from this point on that will determine just how much. i believe my ex was feeling the same as you. except, unlike you he didnt let me in on the fact & i ended up completely blindsided...i commend you for being honest and open with your girlfriend, difficult and all as that is. we ended up taking a break (thats bull**** language for drawn-out break up!!)&during that time apart (a few weeks) i could see that yes perhaps our time had come to an end (we had stopped living, mundane conversations..etc pretty much the same as you) and though it hurt, it hurt a lot, i could see that somewhere along the line id be able to accept this as best for me. unfortunately my ex handled things very badly. dumped by text. then wanted to be friends. played with my emotions. said nasty things.... came crawling back sayin what a huge mistake hed made. played me along for a few weeks. hurt me again. started bein sweet again. sucked me in. i was back bein the mug. and then i found out hed been seein someone for a few weeks. so i cut him off, changed my no, deleted FB, blocked emails. he moved in with her less than 3months together. and i NEVER want to see him again. (this is the mild, edited version as i only wanna give you an example of what NOT to do) its coming up on a year now since that initial break, which is hard to believe. if youd told me this time last year that the person i loved with every inch of my body&soul would be a bitter, sour taste in my mouth 1year on..... he too, was my first. so yea in a way it will make it harder on your girlf. if you choose to break up with her, no matter how you do so(tho please not as above!!) it is going to devastate her. however, if done so maturely and honestly maybe she will look back on you fondly in years to come as opposed to visciously as no doubt i will upon my ex!! ha ha. so, if you decide that its best for you not to be in this rship anymore, no false hope, no lets be friends. leave her alone to grieve it. it will be without a doubt the most confusing,distressing,frustrating experience for you both, but in different ways. the one thing you can do to not to make it any harder on her? how do you do this?? by fighting every urge not to make it harder on her. if you get me. just bow out.even tho it may break your heart to see her hurting... i wish you the best. its a horrible situation. and this is only my opinion.
Author hikaru Posted May 26, 2009 Author Posted May 26, 2009 Open, thank you for your honest reply. I wish I was as cold hearted as your ex, then I might not feel like I do. I still love her, I still care, I still like the idea of life with her, but living it, it feels like there's something missing. Reading what you wrote about ending it, is painful, I almost just broke down here at work and started bawling. I don't want to give her false hope, but I don't even know if I'm sure I want to leave. Should I try and take time away from the relationship? Should I do more with her to rekindle the connection if it even exists?
openbook08 Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 im glad there are people like you in the world (even though it feels to you like youre the worst possible thing crawling the earth) because you feel it. i know initially my ex felt the same hurt & confusion you are going through. . . it was the aftermath that soured me, so im sorry if i upset you. im not bitter and angry towards men or dumpers! just my ex i really cant make this decision for you. maybe someone else here will have a more objective opinion but im a hopeless romantic so im afraid my thoughts on rships, while they may not be bitter or angry, can often be clouded.... yup even after all the heartbreak! do you think you could talk with a counsellor? i know i did initially and he was fantastic in that it wasnt a "heres what you do openbook08.." scenario but more he managed to make me do all the talking and come to all conclusions by myself. but you see, of course, after 5years you are going to have these ' i want to leave, but shes all ive known, but its not the same, i cant hurt her, i love her, i think i love her, what if i make a huge mistake....' thoughts. . . its a huge adjustment. im not a fan of 'breaks' 'time outs' ... but again thats just my opinion. as for rekindling whats already there...only you can answer, truthfully, if there is anything left there...
Author hikaru Posted May 26, 2009 Author Posted May 26, 2009 do you think you could talk with a counsellor? i know i did initially and he was fantastic in that it wasnt a "heres what you do openbook08.." scenario but more he managed to make me do all the talking and come to all conclusions by myself. but you see, of course, after 5years you are going to have these ' i want to leave, but shes all ive known, but its not the same, i cant hurt her, i love her, i think i love her, what if i make a huge mistake....' thoughts. . . its a huge adjustment. im not a fan of 'breaks' 'time outs' ... but again thats just my opinion. as for rekindling whats already there...only you can answer, truthfully, if there is anything left there... she had a pamphlet for a counsellor from going to her gyno and talking about her lack of libido, the counsellor in question specializes in sex/relationships. At the same time, your last statement rattles my brain, because I wonder if anything is really left? I wonder if her love for me is blinding her to these things? I can't imagine she doesn't see this..I have asked her, and she says she noticed it too. I wish I wasn't alone with these feelings, I wish she felt the same way, so she could understand. I think there might be a chance for starting new, but she's so worried this is the end, that she'll just randomly break down and cry in front of me when we're together now. You're right though..those are the thoughts looping through my mind, endlessly.
huck Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Hi Hikaru. Looking back on my recent break up - I wish my ex had of been open and honest about our problems while we were still together - so we could of worked on them and tried to fix things. If I was in your shoes Id try and work on things.. Sit down and have an open and honest conversation about how your feeling and maybe talk about how things can be improved. Maybe try and spice your sex life up - do some romantic things together etc. Or try some new hobbies and interests together to open up new conversations and talking points. I wouldnt throw the towel in personally without fighting for the relationship and giving it a try. Keep us posted - good luck mate. Huck...
Author hikaru Posted May 26, 2009 Author Posted May 26, 2009 Thanks Huck. I've talked to her about just that. I worry I still wont feel the connection, but I want to try. Like I said though, this has rattled her. It's very hard for her to be around me, and it kills me to see her like that. Tonight we planned to make dinner together and then maybe go for a walk and hopefully something will come of it. If it just turns out to be a nice quiet evening with no revelations, it's still a start.
huck Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Your in the good position that you are still together. Youll be pis**d if you break up and then realise a few months down the line that you didnt give things a try. Just give it a 100% and if things done work out - at least you know you gave it your all... Huck
Nikki Sahagin Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Thanks Huck. I've talked to her about just that. I worry I still wont feel the connection, but I want to try. Like I said though, this has rattled her. It's very hard for her to be around me, and it kills me to see her like that. Tonight we planned to make dinner together and then maybe go for a walk and hopefully something will come of it. If it just turns out to be a nice quiet evening with no revelations, it's still a start. Most relationships (except I would say a rare few) go through waxes and wanes. It all depends really on how long things have been 'bad' - has it been several years? A year? A few months? Did something trigger it? Are you holding back on communicating? It may be something as small as the sex - the fact that its never been great, can truly damage a relationship. Sometimes 2 people lose themselves in a relationship but those 2 people are still there, they just need to rediscover themselves. I would be completely honest with your girlfriend, and and explore your options. Maybe if you can rediscover yourself and she herself, you can rebuild together. I mean what was it initially that drew you to her - physically and in terms of her personality? Is she still that same person? Has she changed? Do you take each other for granted? This may be a rough period that you need to wait out. But only you know if your heart has checked out fully.
Author hikaru Posted May 27, 2009 Author Posted May 27, 2009 so, last night we talked, and what we're going to do is just live out our lease. We decided this mutually. After that we're going to have our own places. If things change before then, great, if not, maybe not living together will show me I really do want to be with her, and only her, or not. It's still going to be a little painful, but she seemed really happy about this, and I do too. So, thanks for all the replies and advice everyone!
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