Girlygirl1977 Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 So i've seen some great advice here to others and I'm hoping I can get some too. I started dating someone I dated originally when I was 23. I just turned 32 now and we dated for 2.5 years (first worked together and then NY-LA long distance). We started dating at the end of march - apparently he accelerated a breakup to date me and also moved and started a company 2 weeks later (hectic). He lives 1.5 hrs away now. He treated me really well and I was being very guarded, cold, disagreeable with him. He had enough and 2 wks ago he came to tell me. We had some long conversations that week and i even took a day off of work to see him, he came to my bday dinner etc. He told me i'm the best woman he has date etc. (after our relationship he has only dated 3-4 months max). But he said he wants to take a break and wants us to regroup. We picked June 15th and can be in touch but i will let him initiate - it's just been minor texts/emails. He won't see others and doesn't want me to either. How should I handle this? I am interested in writing letters (old fashioned) to convey my emotions (as he said if we have somethign to say to say it. Thoughts?
JLee26 Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 He treated me really well and I was being very guarded, cold, disagreeable with him. I dont really get the being cold and disagreeable with him. Is there some reason why? Or is that simply the way you are? Perhaps a better communication between the two of you is in order. Don't use a break up as a reason to be "one-time" communicable and then go back to being cold and disagreeable when you are agitated. Clearly that type of attitude does not sit well with him and could be a potential poison to all relationships if this is a common thing with you. I dont really know you so i am simply basing this on what i have read, but it would appear as though communication skills are needed and until those are corrected perhaps you should look into a relationship with yourself before persuing relationships with other. If however communication is not the problem typically, a letter is a great way to allow a partner into your emotions.
prettybaby Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Gah, I don't know if maybe I'm tired or what, but I'm not getting the chronological order of this. So basically you dated this guy 9 years ago and are now considering getting back together? Letters really irk me in a way. I think they're cute for couples who have been together for a year or so and want to put their love down on paper; it's a sweet memorabilia to keep. But I wouldn't use it as a way to communicate. If you're looking to start a healthy relationship on solid grounds, you're gonna have to learn to talk things out together. And letters don't help with that at all. I also don't think they work for love confessions or starting a relationship off the right foot. Focus on your actions and the dynamics between you and your guy, and talk if you bump into an issue. I also have a question: He treated me really well and I was being very guarded, cold, disagreeable with him. Why? Also: We picked June 15th and can be in touch but i will let him initiate - it's just been minor texts/emails. He won't see others and doesn't want me to either. Is there a background story to the reason of this?
Author Girlygirl1977 Posted May 26, 2009 Author Posted May 26, 2009 Thanks for your thoughts I really appreciate it. Yes we dated when I was 23 and he was 25 for 2.5 years. We worked together and then did the long distance (no cheating, nothing horrible) but I felt he wasn't committed enough and we were not going to be in the same city soon. We met at the end of January for dinner (he often initated over the years if we were in same place - often weren't in same city). He has even helped me prepare for jobs etc. He mentioned that maybe if he never left NY we might be married. I had ended a relationship and he was going to quit his job and travel a bit before moving. So it was a hectic time. In the end, we started dating after his travels at the end of march and he told me he had accelerated a breakup after meeting me etc. He was 100% in. I was guarded and I think passive-aggressive b/c of his previously less committed behavior - now that I look at it. I feel awful. He even traveled to london/paris with me late april (cancelled a bachelor party to do it). That was when he fell off a cliff he said b/c for him he expected a romantic trip and I was the same. That trip made me feel he was really in it ironically. We have talked this out a lot now. He came two wks ago on Monday to tell me - was supposed to have dinner at 730 but we never let my apt and talked till 2am. I let everything out and explained. He left in morning and called tue evening. we talked till 3am (4.5hrs). I took the next day off work to visit him and we had a very nice time. He still had the regroup in a month idea which he brought up monday though. He wanted to flush out the recent stuff and restart (felt this was our best chance at success). Friday he came to my bday dinner (May 15th). All this time we were now incredibly affectionate (i let my guard down ever since monday). He left saturday and we decided on one month - well i dont want to do it actually but will. He wants the dust to settle - plus he did move and is now really launching company. He likes "me" now but his head is "spinning". I have to respect that. We talked on Sun for 3 hrs. I think we have talked out the past now and i dont want to have such talks anymore unless in person. We can talk he said during break. I think I may send him cookies with a card congratulating him on the company launch and express my further feelings this week. He wants us to both keep journals of our thoughts on each other during this break. I guess there is a sense - if we go back in, he wants to be successful (he says he only went 100% one time, that's with me). He wants to do that one time and assumes marriage if so. Thoughts?
Author Girlygirl1977 Posted May 26, 2009 Author Posted May 26, 2009 As far as me not initiating -that was just my idea to respect his space, but you are saying not to do that perhaps? I figured I would be responsive. I also came up with the idea of letters - he was very touched by a card he received last week already. And somehow with dropping my guard, i am feeling i may send him cookies this week too. I do prefer this ends before June 15th and I guess it is a set date until it isnt (i.e. he gets emotional and wants to end it).
JLee26 Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 I think you are definitely take some positive steps forward. Open lines of communication really are the basis to a great relationship, and it sounds as though he is willing to have that line. Many men do not know how to maintain such great communication. Dropping guard often times can lead to a better and deeper discovery of oneself, often times we shield ourselves from, well, ourselves, and put up so many layers of BS and crap that we can confuse even ourselves as to what it is we want in life. Breaking down those walls and opening ourselves up to true experiences and love give us a better understanding of our wants needs and desires. I spent several years with my guard up after i had my son very young and was left alone. It took an extremely long time before i finally let go and moved on and let go of all the past pain and hurt. The new people in my life didnt cause my pain yet every day i made them pay for what had been done to me in the past. It was the most painful and wonderful experience of my life. I really hope the best for you in this relationship, it sounds as though this is a case of love come back and a love that is worth holding onto. I still encourage you to take some serious steps toward self discovery, it will better you and your ability to love someone else!!!
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