sb129 Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 Papercutx- Finally had time to sit down and read the rest of the thread, and I agreed with most of your advice, AND I can understand now why you aren't so keen on having the mum go out to work from your own personal experiences. And I am sorry for calling your statement ridiculous. I can assure you that I am not going to be a workaholic mum, I am pretty lucky really, and our situation is almost ideal- but I seem to be going on about that and I don't want to sound like a show off. I think having a SAHD is a great idea if the man in question is capable of it- and many many dads ARE. Clearly the OPs BF probably isn't, so its probably best in this situation that HE be the one to earn the money, not stay at home. Paddington gave some good advice too. I actually can't believe abortion was even brought up- now THATs ridiculous. there is never a "perfect" time to have a baby...
Author broadway11 Posted May 28, 2009 Author Posted May 28, 2009 sb129, B_O and Paddington....Thank you so much for taking the time to write such helpful replies. I think these pregnancy hormones are doing a number on me. I don't really even feel like myself anymore. I think I may be over-planning and driving myself crazy. I'm not going to break up with him while pregnant, especially since after talking he seems to be willing to work some stuff out. I am hoping he will help me more once the baby is born, maybe he'll feel a bigger sense of responsibility, but who knows. I am dragging him to a fathering class to try to give him a reality check. The way our work schedule is set up, One of us will always be here to watch the baby and my mom has already offered to babysit on the rare occasions that I have to cover someone else's shift or whatever. So hopefully we won't need daycare for a while. My mom used to run a daycare and I know how expensive infant care is! That 3rd job would end up just being enough to pay for it every month. I really wouldn't mind him staying home if I made enough money at one job to support us all....I enjoy working, just not all the time. But he's not the best housekeeper and I think he'd play with baby all day and forget to do anything else. My mom and his mom have both been going to garage sales and getting tons of baby stuff. They are both really excited and willing to help out with the actual "stuff" I'm going to sign up for a registry next week when we have a day off together. I'm going to look into some work at home stuff as well. Most of it's phone work which I'm not really fond of, but it's better than nothing if I chose to stay home with the baby for longer than expected, or as a part time job if I go back to work. I know I can't have another job on FMLA. Anyway, Thanks again for all of the good advice!
sb129 Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 Hey- don't be so hard on yourself. Being pregnant is more than just having a few (!!) extra kilos of junk in your trunk. Its hard for people to appreciate that sometimes. I am definitely more tired, more emotional and incapable of making some decisions as simple as what to have to dinner! I think overplanning is normal- its the nesting instinct! Also- I agree, don't make any big decisions about your relationship now. Your fiance doesn't sound beyond help- you have talked to him and he has responded positively to that, thats a good thing. A fathering class is a great idea, and a good start for your fiance to have a small idea about how things are for you and how things will be. Hopefully he has a positive reaction to that too. I am still concerned that you are planning on going back to work a little too soon- (a week? am I right?) I know its personal choice, but please please please give your body enough time to recover, and let your work know that your return to work is conditional on your being physically (and mentally!) fit to actually do the work. Anyway- I am glad things seem to be moving in the right direction, and its nice to have another pregnant buddy on here. I am in a different hemisphere to you and missdependent it would be interesting to compare notes!
sb129 Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 PS- do you get any kind of maternity pay from the government where you are? In the UK (where I was last year) you get 75% of your salary for six months (which is phenomenal!) or 50% of your salary for 9 months, and you are entitled to take a full year off (the last 3 months unpaid) without fear of losing your job. (I wish we were still there for that reason) Here where I am we can take 6 months off work, and if you are employed I think you get paid something for some of that. I am self employed so I get 14 weeks statutory pay from the government- which isn't much but every little helps. Also- one other thing- do you guys in the US get given a looooong list of all the stuff you aren't allowed to eat when pregnant? Our list is insane, its really restrictive and OTT (IMO)
calazhage Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 He's already told me he expects me to get a second job as soon as the baby is born since it's "easier with my schedule" I feel extremely used and now completely trapped since I'm pregnant..but I hate being the breadwinner I am sure this will be one of those threads in which you change your initial post meaning, or turn it around to stick up for him. But the guy is pretty much a LOSER if he asks his gf or wife that just gave birth to get 2 jobs, while he only works one. And secondly, do not say you would not mind working while he stays home if you do not even mean it.
BoredPerson Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 She is probably not working fulltime. You couldn't work 2 fulltime jobs and raise a child. He probably only wants her to work fulltime hours, which is fair enough. Leaving him would be selfish and cruel to both him and the child. Get a job that will pay you in tips. Look for general admin or reception work. It will pay the bills but you need to be reasonably well put together. Just incase you didn't know but good luck with that.. I have to stress, leaving a fulltime income earner while pregnant would be stupid. The same people telling to leave will be those some people calling you a welfare queen popping out babies and living off welfare in two weeks. Under no circumstances leave this man,
prettybaby Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 I think this is really the type of issue where no one can give accurate advice unless we're given the full financial details of this couple. And this, of course, is rather personal information. I've already tried to gather more details, but after 7 full pages, I'm still not getting the full picture. We don't know : - how much she makes - how many hours she works / what kind of job it is - how much their mortgage is - whether they both own this house together or whose house this is exactly (from what I understand, they are not married) - how much their studies costs will add up to (she said he's getting back to school while working his 36h job, and she will get back to school in 2010) - nor for how long they'll both be studying until this can go towards getting a better paid job - how much their utility bills are - what exactly they spend their money on and which of those things could easily be cut out - what their relationship is really like I mean, if the guy really is the ways she's describing him: he basically sounds like 16 year old kid who needs to be told to clean up his room and how he can spend his pocket money.
xpaperxcutx Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 What I know is, nobody should ask a pregnant woman to work two jobs while pregnant and after pregnancy. And it's not constructive for the mother to stay with a husband that she has to baby. I think right now it's important to remember that broadway is pregnant and that after having had a talk with the bf, he says he's willing to work on things more. In order to see progress we need to give the bf time to physically show that he's capable of getting himself together to help support the family.
xpaperxcutx Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 Papercutx- Finally had time to sit down and read the rest of the thread, and I agreed with most of your advice, AND I can understand now why you aren't so keen on having the mum go out to work from your own personal experiences. And I am sorry for calling your statement ridiculous. I can assure you that I am not going to be a workaholic mum, I am pretty lucky really, and our situation is almost ideal- but I seem to be going on about that and I don't want to sound like a show off. I think having a SAHD is a great idea if the man in question is capable of it- and many many dads ARE. Clearly the OPs BF probably isn't, so its probably best in this situation that HE be the one to earn the money, not stay at home. Paddington gave some good advice too. I actually can't believe abortion was even brought up- now THATs ridiculous. there is never a "perfect" time to have a baby... Well, thank you for rereading the thread and understanding my point of view. Sometimes I have a terrible time getting my writing across clearly. But I would also like to point out that while Stay At Home Dads are common nowadays, my opinion on the subject matter leans more towards a family having a father as a breadwinner. I think most men would agree that sometimes having a job of their own and being able to support their family makes them more masculine. Just as it's more common nowadays for women to be able to work a job and still manage their family, I think it's important to have structure in a family. In the case of the bf, if he can't be helpful at home with chores, then being the breadwinner of the family is only reasonable as he's more likely productive that way. The only problem really is to get him to be motivated.
paddington bear Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 Thing is, with the whole stay at home dad thing, and plans for further study and so on...it's all well and good to plan for these thing before the child is born, but after, things change sometimes. I've got so many friends who were very career-minded, were insisting that they wanted to get back to work after the birth of the child and instead found that they just wanted to stay at home all day with the baby, and the opposite has been true as well, others thinking they'd want to stay at home all day with the baby, but when the reality hit, found they needed some adult time, and to feel that they had a life outside of being solely a mother. All I'm saying is that while good to have plans, some of them may get turned totally on their head when the baby arrives, plans b and c always good too.
blind_otter Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 Well, thank you for rereading the thread and understanding my point of view. Sometimes I have a terrible time getting my writing across clearly. But I would also like to point out that while Stay At Home Dads are common nowadays, my opinion on the subject matter leans more towards a family having a father as a breadwinner. I think most men would agree that sometimes having a job of their own and being able to support their family makes them more masculine. Just as it's more common nowadays for women to be able to work a job and still manage their family, I think it's important to have structure in a family. In the case of the bf, if he can't be helpful at home with chores, then being the breadwinner of the family is only reasonable as he's more likely productive that way. The only problem really is to get him to be motivated. Well, my Dad stayed home to raise me. He retired from a career in the military when he was in his 50s, and my mother went to work full time. My Dad was the most fantastic father - and very masculine, as well. He was tender, careful, loving, intelligent, much more patient than my mother could even think to be. He made me breakfast every morning and packed my lunches and drove me to and from school and chaperoned field trips. In any event there's nothing more motivating than a screaming infant, let me tell you. While I now have a traditional relationship - my S/O goes out and work and handles the finances, I do all the happy homemaker stuff and take care of the kids - I don't think that women have cornered the market on being able to nurture. Thing is, with the whole stay at home dad thing, and plans for further study and so on...it's all well and good to plan for these thing before the child is born, but after, things change sometimes. I've got so many friends who were very career-minded, were insisting that they wanted to get back to work after the birth of the child and instead found that they just wanted to stay at home all day with the baby, and the opposite has been true as well, others thinking they'd want to stay at home all day with the baby, but when the reality hit, found they needed some adult time, and to feel that they had a life outside of being solely a mother. All I'm saying is that while good to have plans, some of them may get turned totally on their head when the baby arrives, plans b and c always good too. The best advice anyone ever gave me when I was agonizing over what would happen when my son was born was - DO NOT MAKE ANY CONCRETE PLANS. DO NOT MAKE ANY PROMISES TO YOUR EMPLOYER. When you give birth, you change. You have no idea how until you go through it. Now that I look back on the past year I am baffled at how completely and utterly different I am now, compared to how I was even pregnant. Anyways, take some deep breaths. It helps to do breath awareness mediation, especially during the latter half of your pregnancy when your diaphragm gets all scrunched up. You don't realize it but you run around breathing shallowly all day and it will actually MAKE you anxious and tense. Try to stop every few hours to breathe deeply and remain calm as possible.
sb129 Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 I think right now it's important to remember that broadway is pregnant and that after having had a talk with the bf, he says he's willing to work on things more. In order to see progress we need to give the bf time to physically show that he's capable of getting himself together to help support the family. Agreed. there is no reason why they can't work things out and have a happy outcome- he is her FIANCE and the father of her baby after all, he is entitled to a chance prove himself. And if he DOES step up, then she has every right to defend him and compliment him for that. People can change for the better- some posters seem to think that original posts are set in stone and aren't prepared to see that the original issues can be resolved. All I'm saying is that while good to have plans, some of them may get turned totally on their head when the baby arrives, plans b and c always good too. Very true. H and I are discussing plans B and C. Who knows we might need a plan D!. Keeping the lines of communication open and being open minded to change is important in a situation like this. I don't think that women have cornered the market on being able to nurture. The best advice anyone ever gave me when I was agonizing over what would happen when my son was born was - DO NOT MAKE ANY CONCRETE PLANS. DO NOT MAKE ANY PROMISES TO YOUR EMPLOYER. Anyways, take some deep breaths. It helps to do breath awareness mediation, especially during the latter half of your pregnancy when your diaphragm gets all scrunched up. You don't realize it but you run around breathing shallowly all day and it will actually MAKE you anxious and tense. Try to stop every few hours to breathe deeply and remain calm as possible. I agree re: employer- Broadway, this is great advice. You don't want to be in a situation where the employer is trying to hold you to your "agreement" when you have a new baby to deal with. Flexibility is key here. Try and have a chat with your employer(s) to see how flexible they can be. One week off is not going to be enough by a looong shot! And agree re: deep breaths- I went through a fair amount of family grief four months into my pregnancy, and I was doing exactly what B_O said- rushing around breathing shallowly. Have been trying to get to yoga, but if I don't make it I try and do 5-10mins deep breathing when I am in the car, or just before I go to sleep. I am told this is good preparation for labour too.
Krytie TV Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 I mean, if the guy really is the ways she's describing him: he basically sounds like 16 year old kid who needs to be told to clean up his room and how he can spend his pocket money. I'm with you. That's what I was trying to say.
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