Untouchable_Fire Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 I wish it was that easy...but I can't do that right now. I'm barely scraping by with his salary...if that is gone, it just makes it that much harder. I don't have any money saved up. I won't kick him out right now...but there is a good chance after talking to him that he'll just get mad and run to his mommy's house. If he does, he can stay there. I just mentioned something about it on the phone and he hit the roof....So whatever...I'm tired of little man-boys Do you honestly think he wants to be a loser? Bottom line is that the guy is afraid of failing. You need to find the right way to be emotionally supportive and move him in the right directions. I'm sorry, but if the genders were reversed everyone would be all over some selfish a hole telling his GF to get another job so he doesn't have to. If you suddenly love a guy at $18/hour, but can't love a guy at $9/hour... I just don't have words for how shallow that is.
moman Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 I just had this discussion the other day ... I'll make a new thread though since you people are hell bent on total relevance. Only because you are taking this thread in a different direction, using your own beliefs and morals when she is asking for help with an issue that is related to an action that has already occurred.
Author broadway11 Posted May 26, 2009 Author Posted May 26, 2009 Do you honestly think he wants to be a loser? Bottom line is that the guy is afraid of failing. You need to find the right way to be emotionally supportive and move him in the right directions. I'm sorry, but if the genders were reversed everyone would be all over some selfish a hole telling his GF to get another job so he doesn't have to. If you suddenly love a guy at $18/hour, but can't love a guy at $9/hour... I just don't have words for how shallow that is. Yes...I honestly think he does. Because if he didn't, don't you think he'd do something to change it? He refuses to even consider taking up a trade, or going to school, or even looking for a better job....He expects everything to be handed to him on a silver platter. For instance, I called him earlier and tried to talk a little bit..his response "You go out and get me a better job and I'll work it" I am working a second job after the baby. The only reason I'm not working one right now is the fact that no one will hire me, but it's not like I haven't tried. It's not so much about the money as it is his total and complete lack of future goals and ambition. I love him just the same....But I am not going to bust my butt the rest of my life to support him when I also take care of the house, his dogs, control all of the money, and raise his child. I feel like if he can't at least contribute more financially he should pick up the slack elsewhere...but he doesn't...It's pulling teeth to get him to help me walk the garbage to the curb.
xpaperxcutx Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Do you honestly think he wants to be a loser? Bottom line is that the guy is afraid of failing. You need to find the right way to be emotionally supportive and move him in the right directions. I'm sorry, but if the genders were reversed everyone would be all over some selfish a hole telling his GF to get another job so he doesn't have to. If you suddenly love a guy at $18/hour, but can't love a guy at $9/hour... I just don't have words for how shallow that is. Well he's a loser knowing his gf is pregnant but still not willing to put in effort to help alleviate the financial situation at home. Hell, in my family, if someone is pregnant, there's no way the father would make the mother work a job let alone two jobs to help the family, while he only works the minimum hours. And the bf is getting a weekly allowance from the gf. Now what kind of guy does that? Apparently one that wants the gf to support him rather than be a man about things.
Author broadway11 Posted May 26, 2009 Author Posted May 26, 2009 paper...To be fair the allowance was my idea. He hasn't contributed to bills for 2 months because as soon as he gets his paycheck he spends it on crap he doesn't need. I got sick of it and now he gives me his paycheck and I give each of us an allowance for gas, food and essentials throughout the week. Every other penny goes towards bills.
prettybaby Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 I know this may sound stupid, but where / how do you live for 3 jobs not to be enough? I know a first baby is a big expense, but, a lot of people work one job each with an average pay (sometimes even on the low side) and still make ends meet with a child and house payments.
Author broadway11 Posted May 26, 2009 Author Posted May 26, 2009 prettybaby.....We live in Tennessee. The cost of living is low here, but so is the income. He's been working at his job for 5 years and makes $9 an hour because his pay was cut due to the economy. It's sad because where he works is one of the higher playing places in town. I don't make a whole lot more than that. We have a very modest (aka Tiny) house, older cars, and not too many significant bills....but even so we are on a shoestring. We can make it work with just the two of us...but it scares me not being able to save money especially because my health isn't so great.
xpaperxcutx Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 paper...To be fair the allowance was my idea. He hasn't contributed to bills for 2 months because as soon as he gets his paycheck he spends it on crap he doesn't need. I got sick of it and now he gives me his paycheck and I give each of us an allowance for gas, food and essentials throughout the week. Every other penny goes towards bills. Well is he contributing now? What exactly does he pay?
Author broadway11 Posted May 26, 2009 Author Posted May 26, 2009 He gives me his 36 hour a week paycheck and I give him enough money to get gas and food with for the week. Hypothetically...Let's say he makes $400 for the week. He gives me that. I combine it with my paycheck and then I withdraw $100, I keep $50 and he gets the other $50.
keechie Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Yes...I honestly think he does. Because if he didn't, don't you think he'd do something to change it? He refuses to even consider taking up a trade, or going to school, or even looking for a better job....He expects everything to be handed to him on a silver platter. For instance, I called him earlier and tried to talk a little bit..his response "You go out and get me a better job and I'll work it" I am working a second job after the baby. The only reason I'm not working one right now is the fact that no one will hire me, but it's not like I haven't tried. It's not so much about the money as it is his total and complete lack of future goals and ambition. I love him just the same....But I am not going to bust my butt the rest of my life to support him when I also take care of the house, his dogs, control all of the money, and raise his child. I feel like if he can't at least contribute more financially he should pick up the slack elsewhere...but he doesn't...It's pulling teeth to get him to help me walk the garbage to the curb. I can absolutely see your point of view, and you are not being unreasonable. I grew up in a household where my mother was in the same position as you, and from the kid's point of view, it sucks. My dad, (though I love him because he's my dad...) is kind of a loser. He has worked the same part time security guard job for years. My mother worked her ass off to pay off the mortgage, feed 4 mouths, pay the bills, and she even was able to save a small amount for my and my sister's college. I'm on my own now and my sis is 20 years old, and my mom is still working. There's no way they could live on my dad's paycheck, even now with the house all paid for. Honestly, I have no idea why mom stayed with him. She's sort of a little old fashion minded, and she wanted us to have a dad in the picture, but I think we would have been fine without him. (I'm sorry if that sounds mean...) While it's not like my sister and I had terribly bad childhoods, we did go through some stuff that kind of sucked. We never got to see our mom. She was always, always working. When she was home, she was sleeping. Even now, she'll say that her biggest regret was not being able to walk us home from school or take us out during our summer breaks. My little sister and I were practically raised by our babysitter, who was a family friend. My parents also always fought about money. I don't know. I have a lot of admiration and respect for my mom because she really provided for us with what little she had, but it also really sucks to watch your mom resent the hell out of your dad for being such a slacker, and wondering why she hasn't left him. I mean, kids can sense what's going on, even if they don't fully understand it. Your last statement about how it's like pulling teeth to get him to take out the garbage really resonated with me, because that's another thing my mom had to deal with. Even now, my dad does NOTHING around the house. When my mom injured her back about 15 years ago and was bedridden, my sister and I (about 11 and 6 at the time) did the cooking and cleaning.
Untouchable_Fire Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Yes...I honestly think he does. Because if he didn't, don't you think he'd do something to change it? He refuses to even consider taking up a trade, or going to school, or even looking for a better job....He expects everything to be handed to him on a silver platter. For instance, I called him earlier and tried to talk a little bit..his response "You go out and get me a better job and I'll work it" I am working a second job after the baby. The only reason I'm not working one right now is the fact that no one will hire me, but it's not like I haven't tried. It's not so much about the money as it is his total and complete lack of future goals and ambition. I love him just the same....But I am not going to bust my butt the rest of my life to support him when I also take care of the house, his dogs, control all of the money, and raise his child. I feel like if he can't at least contribute more financially he should pick up the slack elsewhere...but he doesn't...It's pulling teeth to get him to help me walk the garbage to the curb. I'm sorry, but I was kind of like that guy once, and I had a woman dog me because I lost a job and didn't make much money. 2 years later I was making six figures... and I have NO interest in shallow women. my philosophy is this: If a woman loves you she will stick with you when times are tough. The others aren't worth my time. Plus your pregnant... and your thinking of leaving the babies father??? I was a kid once... and I didn't have much growing up... but I was happy as hell because I had 2 loving parents. They worked HARD and bills were not easy, but I just learned to appreciate things and be wise with money. I really can't believe this thread. You have a baby on the way. What are you thinking? Well he's a loser knowing his gf is pregnant but still not willing to put in effort to help alleviate the financial situation at home. Hell, in my family, if someone is pregnant, there's no way the father would make the mother work a job let alone two jobs to help the family, while he only works the minimum hours. And the bf is getting a weekly allowance from the gf. Now what kind of guy does that? Apparently one that wants the gf to support him rather than be a man about things. My cousin is a college grad... and he has been looking NONSTOP for 7 months and can't even get a job at Burger King. So.... What are you talking about.... the economy blows... the guy has a job. At the start of this thread she said he made more money before the economy went south! So, I'm not sure where you get off saying that.
xpaperxcutx Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 I'm sorry, but I was kind of like that guy once, and I had a woman dog me because I lost a job and didn't make much money. 2 years later I was making six figures... and I have NO interest in shallow women. my philosophy is this: If a woman loves you she will stick with you when times are tough. The others aren't worth my time. Plus your pregnant... and your thinking of leaving the babies father??? I was a kid once... and I didn't have much growing up... but I was happy as hell because I had 2 loving parents. They worked HARD and bills were not easy, but I just learned to appreciate things and be wise with money. I really can't believe this thread. You have a baby on the way. What are you thinking? My cousin is a college grad... and he has been looking NONSTOP for 7 months and can't even get a job at Burger King. So.... What are you talking about.... the economy blows... the guy has a job. At the start of this thread she said he made more money before the economy went south! So, I'm not sure where you get off saying that. Asking the guy to go out and get a second job isn't shallow. Having the pregnant gf go out and get a second is just plain selfish and inconsiderate. Do you even know what it's like to be pregnant? Look it up or google it. There's the morning sickness, and the constant back pains, and mood swings. If she has to go around carrying another human being in her body for 9 months, he should get his ass of that couch of his and actually help her!!!
Author broadway11 Posted May 26, 2009 Author Posted May 26, 2009 keechie...Thank you for your post. That is my biggest fear. I don't want to miss out on my child's life and I don't want my child to miss out on a mother. I grew up like that too except both my parents worked a lot. I was in daycare most of my life. I understand that they were working to give me a better life, but it sucked to be shuffled around to daycare and babysitters all the time because my parents were always working. I've been reading a lot of parenting forums and I get so envious of mother's who can take off 6 weeks to spend with their new baby...I'll be lucky if I get 2. Untouchable....Did you just somehow stumble into a job making 6 figures or did you have have to work to get to that place? I've stuck with him and would have no problem staying stuck to him if he showed some willingness to better himself. Would you be happy making $9 an hour for the rest of your life by choice? I understand the economy totally sucks...and I was clear that I didn't expect him to get a new job today, but I wanted him to make a game plan for the future and give me some assurance that he wanted more for the future. He point blank said he was happy with his current income and had no plans to consider anything different in the future. So it's no so much he is having a hard time as this is the path he is choosing and I'm simply choosing a different one.
xpaperxcutx Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 keechie...Thank you for your post. That is my biggest fear. I don't want to miss out on my child's life and I don't want my child to miss out on a mother. I grew up like that too except both my parents worked a lot. I was in daycare most of my life. I understand that they were working to give me a better life, but it sucked to be shuffled around to daycare and babysitters all the time because my parents were always working. I've been reading a lot of parenting forums and I get so envious of mother's who can take off 6 weeks to spend with their new baby...I'll be lucky if I get 2. Untouchable....Did you just somehow stumble into a job making 6 figures or did you have have to work to get to that place? I've stuck with him and would have no problem staying stuck to him if he showed some willingness to better himself. Would you be happy making $9 an hour for the rest of your life by choice? I understand the economy totally sucks...and I was clear that I didn't expect him to get a new job today, but I wanted him to make a game plan for the future and give me some assurance that he wanted more for the future. He point blank said he was happy with his current income and had no plans to consider anything different in the future. So it's no so much he is having a hard time as this is the path he is choosing and I'm simply choosing a different one. I can really relate. I grew up with my mother working more than 12 hrs a day. I never saw her and when she's home, she's mostly sleeping. And I agree that it's not even the economy anymore. It's about making an effort in actually trying to go out and find a job as opposed to sitting at home and saying he's satisfied with his current income. That shows a lack of maturity and responsibility. He's going to be a father soon, and he's not willing to better himself for it.
Untouchable_Fire Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Asking the guy to go out and get a second job isn't shallow. Having the pregnant gf go out and get a second is just plain selfish and inconsiderate. Do you even know what it's like to be pregnant? Look it up or google it. There's the morning sickness, and the constant back pains, and mood swings. If she has to go around carrying another human being in her body for 9 months, he should get his ass of that couch of his and actually help her!!! I would probably tell my GF the same bloody thing if she was nagging me to death. The guy took a paycut to save his job, is still working FULL TIME... and she wants him to go out get a second job in an economy like this? That's like telling him to rob banks. It's stupid! NOBODY is getting a job right now.
xpaperxcutx Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 I would probably tell my GF the same bloody thing if she was nagging me to death. The guy took a paycut to save his job, is still working FULL TIME... and she wants him to go out get a second job in an economy like this? That's like telling him to rob banks. It's stupid! NOBODY is getting a job right now. He's telling her to go out and get a 2nd job? How can you approve of that? she's pregnant. Working two jobs only creates more stress for her and she can suffer a miscarriage. You're f-- ing heartless.
xpaperxcutx Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 NOBODY is getting a job right now. And that should stop him how? He can still fill out resumes and apply. It doesn't matter that he might not get a job, it just means that he tries. EFFORT. Hell, I don't have work experience, but I still go out and look for a job. Do I ****ing look like I want to spend all my time at home on the couch?
Untouchable_Fire Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Untouchable....Did you just somehow stumble into a job making 6 figures or did you have have to work to get to that place? I've stuck with him and would have no problem staying stuck to him if he showed some willingness to better himself. Would you be happy making $9 an hour for the rest of your life by choice? I understand the economy totally sucks...and I was clear that I didn't expect him to get a new job today, but I wanted him to make a game plan for the future and give me some assurance that he wanted more for the future. He point blank said he was happy with his current income and had no plans to consider anything different in the future. So it's no so much he is having a hard time as this is the path he is choosing and I'm simply choosing a different one. Yes, I did stumble into it. I was working a low paying job that I kind of liked... and because I kind of liked it, I worked there too long. After a while I got bored so I took a transfer into another department, and I did so well I got promoted. I fell in love with that kind of work and started a career out of it. Took me 2 years to work my way into the part of the field that made good money. I seriously told my GF the same thing, mostly because she tried to control our finances. I'm not hung up on money... I invest a good chunk of what I earn now, and live modestly.
Author broadway11 Posted May 26, 2009 Author Posted May 26, 2009 Untouchable....Did you read my last post?? I told him I don't expect him to get another job right now, but I want him to come up with a plan for some type of a career instead of working at a dead end crap job the rest of his life. And btw, it wasn't a huge paycut...Like $1.50 per hour. He had mandatory overtime every other week and that was what made the biggest difference. Please quit projecting. I am not a shallow gold digger and my boyfriend really does have no ambition...I know that is hard for someone with ambition to grasp...It is for me at least.
Untouchable_Fire Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 He's telling her to go out and get a 2nd job? How can you approve of that? she's pregnant. Working two jobs only creates more stress for her and she can suffer a miscarriage. You're f-- ing heartless. Do you even read what she is writing? She isn't going to work a second job while pregnant. She won't even be able to find a second job right now! What she needs to do is just chill out for a while. Go through her finances and see where she can cut back. TV, cigarettes, beer, dining out... ect. Maybe find a cheaper place to live. Switch car insurances. She should stay or leave this guy based on how he treats her... NOT on how much money he makes. Does that make any sense?
Author broadway11 Posted May 26, 2009 Author Posted May 26, 2009 Thanks paper....At least you get it..It's not so much about the income as it is the effort. And congrats to just getting really lucking, untouchable...unfortunately neither myself nor my boyfriend have that kind of luck. Around here you are lucky to make 6 figures as a doctor or lawyer. I hate controlling our finances. I resent that I even have to, but if I don't, he spends it all and doesn't even have anything to show for it. He can't go to the grocery by himself because he doesn't check prices, just grabs what he wants and is then surprised when he has a $100 total when he was just buying enough to last him a couple of days. He has no concept of budgeting. His mother is the same way...She's constantly calling trying to bum money off of him.
Untouchable_Fire Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Untouchable....Did you read my last post?? I told him I don't expect him to get another job right now, but I want him to come up with a plan for some type of a career instead of working at a dead end crap job the rest of his life. And btw, it wasn't a huge paycut...Like $1.50 per hour. He had mandatory overtime every other week and that was what made the biggest difference. Please quit projecting. I am not a shallow gold digger and my boyfriend really does have no ambition...I know that is hard for someone with ambition to grasp...It is for me at least. Yes, I did read you last post. Think about it. Why doesn't he come up with a career plan? What does he have to lose? Some guys are just lazy bastards... but there are some who just take time to develop. The lazy ones usually can't keep a job, and they don't help out around the house. If he is just lazy then I am assuming you would already know. So if he isn't lazy, then there is something that is holding him back. What is it? I'm not projecting so much as just trying to give you another perspective.
xpaperxcutx Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Do you even read what she is writing? She isn't going to work a second job while pregnant. She won't even be able to find a second job right now! What she needs to do is just chill out for a while. Go through her finances and see where she can cut back. TV, cigarettes, beer, dining out... ect. Maybe find a cheaper place to live. Switch car insurances. She should stay or leave this guy based on how he treats her... NOT on how much money he makes. Does that make any sense? She's already cut back alot. Did you not read that he's the one who spends his paycheck on stupid little things? No, it's not that she's not going to work a second job now, it's that no one's hiring her. There's a difference. At least she's the diligent one who's willing to work if a job is given to her, but what does he do? He can't even take out the trash without her telling him to. Does he even help with chores? Just because she's a woman, doesn't mean she has to do everything. I bet he doesn't even cook.
xpaperxcutx Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Yes, I did read you last post. Think about it. Why doesn't he come up with a career plan? What does he have to lose? Some guys are just lazy bastards... but there are some who just take time to develop. The lazy ones usually can't keep a job, and they don't help out around the house. If he is just lazy then I am assuming you would already know. So if he isn't lazy, then there is something that is holding him back. What is it? I'm not projecting so much as just trying to give you another perspective. And some men actually becomes hardworking knowing that they're going to be a father with a baby on the way. Remember there's a baby on the way, that's why they're living on a budget. Not because the OP wants to control the finances, hell I bet if there was no budget, she would want to go shopping. But she's actually making an effort by planning everything out so they don't go broke and get kicked out of their place. And I commend her for her hardwork. But this guy, he doesn't even try. There's a difference between nagging about finances and being reasonable about how they should spent their money. She's being reasonable that a majority of their money has to go to bills and rent, not on silly god - knows- what things he buy when he gets his check.
Untouchable_Fire Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 And some men actually becomes hardworking knowing that they're going to be a father with a baby on the way. Remember there's a baby on the way, that's why they're living on a budget. Not because the OP wants to control the finances, hell I bet if there was no budget, she would want to go shopping. But she's actually making an effort by planning everything out so they don't go broke and get kicked out of their place. And I commend her for her hardwork. But this guy, he doesn't even try. There's a difference between nagging about finances and being reasonable about how they should spent their money. She's being reasonable that a majority of their money has to go to bills and rent, not on silly god - knows- what things he buy when he gets his check. It's her life, and this should be a tough choice! It should not be made lightly. I'm telling you if the guy is just a lazy prick, it will show in everything he does. You can't fix those guys... and I would counsel her to leave him if that is the case. However, if he is just depressed about his future prospects, afraid to try, or just immature... leaving him would be the meanest thing you could ever do to that child!
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