broadway11 Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 I'm sure I'll get some pretty harsh opinions, and that's fine. I am really struggling with this and need all the feedback that I can get. I've been dating my boyfriend for almost 5 years now. I found out I was pregnant this year and am about 26 weeks now. I was on birth control, but well...I guess I'm that 1% or whatever....Anyway he is so excited about this child...and I'm not. It's not because I don't want a kid, but I just don't feel like I'll even have a real connection with it because I will be working my butt off to try and support us all. He lost a huge sum of money per month when the economy took a nose dive. I understand it wasn't his fault...but he refuses to look for another job or take up a part time second job. I can't even take a maternity leave because he doesn't even make enough to pay rent. So basically, I pop the kid out and am back to work the next week....and he doesn't see why I'm upset and frustrated with this situation. I'm not a gold digger....I've worked 2 jobs the greater part of my life and would go back to school in a heartbeat if I could afford it so I didn't have to work crappy jobs. He works 36 hours a week and thinks anything more is too much...He wants to "enjoy life"...Well...So do I, but I seem to be the one making all of the sacrifices. He's already told me he expects me to get a second job as soon as the baby is born since it's "easier with my schedule" I feel extremely used and now completely trapped since I'm pregnant. He's perfect in every other way, but this is turning into a huge issue for me. I totally resent him because of it...Don't like being around him because all he talks about is wanting this or that and it makes me sick. It would be different if we were both working 2 jobs or brought home equal pay...but I hate being the breadwinner.
Lucky_One Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 He's already told me he expects me to get a second job as soon as the baby is born since it's "easier with my schedule" What did YOU tell HIM during this conversation? Did you tell him that your expectation is that HE also gets a second job, and that HE gives equal time to work that you do? Personally, for now, I would look seriously into 1) either finding a cheaper place to live (you said that his 36 hours a week won't cover rent) or 2) moving just yourself into a family member's home. While living there, save as much money as you can, and coupled with your income, those savings, and the CS that he will be paying you (CS also takes into consideration what you will have to pay out for childcare), start looking for a smaller place for you and the baby in the next year after the baby is born. I am sorry you find yourself in such a situation. (((((broadway)))))
carhill Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Tell me how old you and he are and what the phrase "perfect in every other way" means to you.
xpaperxcutx Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 He's irresponsible. Your bf is the kind of men who will use weak women ( like you ( no offense)) to provide for them, while they chill out on the couch and watch football games. You don't need to justify his action neither should you put up with his behaviour. He hasn't proposed to you or made any effort to help you support the family. You need to stand up for yourself and not let him use you any further. You confront him about his lazy ass and tell him to get a second job or you'll leave him. No ifs or buts. If he refuses, dump his ass but still make him pay for child support.
Glenn Quagmire Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Am I the only one concerned about this whole having a baby while on birth control thing? You need to be off that **** for a good 6 months before you even THINK about pregnancy. Is everything on the normal?
paddington bear Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 What did YOU tell HIM during this conversation? Did you tell him that your expectation is that HE also gets a second job, and that HE gives equal time to work that you do? Personally, for now, I would look seriously into 1) either finding a cheaper place to live (you said that his 36 hours a week won't cover rent) or 2) moving just yourself into a family member's home. While living there, save as much money as you can, and coupled with your income, those savings, and the CS that he will be paying you (CS also takes into consideration what you will have to pay out for childcare), start looking for a smaller place for you and the baby in the next year after the baby is born. I am sorry you find yourself in such a situation. (((((broadway))))) I think this is right. Don't ask, just tell 'now that I'm pregnant you will need to get another job, or a better paid job that is within your 36 hour limit'. I think he has NO concept of what changes this child will have on both your lives, maybe he thinks that these are his last few months of enjoyment before he will simply have to pull his weight financially, once the baby is born, then he'll get a job. Unfortunately I don't really know what to advise here, other than what Lucky one said, rent a cheaper place, tell him that he is going to get another job to help support his child... it's a shame, because you should be looking forward to the future and not worrying about finances, particularly in this instance when in fact there is no reason to worry about finances, it's just him being immature and maybe a little bit stubborn too.
Lucky_One Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Am I the only one concerned about this whole having a baby while on birth control thing? You need to be off that **** for a good 6 months before you even THINK about pregnancy. Is everything on the normal? What? I think, Glenn, you need to learn a bit more about the female body before you go dispensing medical advice or concern.
Author broadway11 Posted May 26, 2009 Author Posted May 26, 2009 Lucky_One: I told him I expected him to find a higher paying job or a second job before the baby is born. As soon as possible. He flat out told me no. I said it was unfair for me to pick up his slack...He thinks because he works full time he is pulling his weight. It would be a lot easier if he wasn't working at all...then I wouldn't have any reservations kicking him to the curb. Carhill: I am 27 he is 28. We get along great together...No cheating, lying, etc. We have a great relationship besides the money/lack of ambition issue. xpaperxcutx: We are engaged, but I don't really go around saying fiance because we haven't set a date yet and frankly I'm not really so sure that is what I want anymore. He gives me his entire paycheck and I give him a weekly allowance, so he is contributing...it's just not enough. I understand jobs are hard to come by right now, but if he would just put some effort into finding something or make a game plan for the future....but he told me he's happy working his $9 an hour job forever and has no plans to find a career or go back to school. I am not happy living paycheck to paycheck and eating ramen noodles every night. It would be very difficult for me to move back in with my mother. My brother and her stepdaughter are living there so there isn't even an extra bedroom. She's the only relative I have in this area. I feel like breaking up with my boyfriend right now would be financial suicide....My paycheck will get the major bills paid, but there's no room for food or gas....I have applied for a second job at several places, but no luck so far...Who wants to hire a pregnant girl when there plenty of other applicants? I just wish he would have some ambition...goals...something. When we first got together he had 3 different career paths he was seriously considering and then suddenly...he decided none of them were right and refuses to even consider anything else. I don't want to just use him until I get a better job, but I feel like that's what I'm doing now. I feel so guilty about it and then I get angry that he's put me in that position to begin with.
paddington bear Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 What? I think, Glenn, you need to learn a bit more about the female body before you go dispensing medical advice or concern. Oh yeah, I meant to comment on this too - no method of contraception is 100% per cent fail proof even if you diligently follow the instructions on the pack. I've also known people who have taken a long time to get pregnant after coming off the pill and others who literally fell pregnant within a week or two after stopping taking it.
Author broadway11 Posted May 26, 2009 Author Posted May 26, 2009 Glenn...I don't understand, but I think you're asking if the baby is Ok since it was conceived on birth control? If so, yes, the baby is fine. Paddington....I agree that he is being immature and stubborn. On the other hand...he has no skills, no education, etc. so it's going to be very difficult to find a job making more than he does now in this area. We've had 6 or 7 large businesses shut down recently and the job market is flooded with people with bachelor degrees or technical skills. Still...That doesn't keep him from applying at the local burger joint part time to help out more...he just doesn't get that.
xpaperxcutx Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Lucky_One: I told him I expected him to find a higher paying job or a second job before the baby is born. As soon as possible. He flat out told me no. I said it was unfair for me to pick up his slack...He thinks because he works full time he is pulling his weight. It would be a lot easier if he wasn't working at all...then I wouldn't have any reservations kicking him to the curb. Carhill: I am 27 he is 28. We get along great together...No cheating, lying, etc. We have a great relationship besides the money/lack of ambition issue. xpaperxcutx: We are engaged, but I don't really go around saying fiance because we haven't set a date yet and frankly I'm not really so sure that is what I want anymore. He gives me his entire paycheck and I give him a weekly allowance, so he is contributing...it's just not enough. I understand jobs are hard to come by right now, but if he would just put some effort into finding something or make a game plan for the future....but he told me he's happy working his $9 an hour job forever and has no plans to find a career or go back to school. I am not happy living paycheck to paycheck and eating ramen noodles every night. It would be very difficult for me to move back in with my mother. My brother and her stepdaughter are living there so there isn't even an extra bedroom. She's the only relative I have in this area. I feel like breaking up with my boyfriend right now would be financial suicide....My paycheck will get the major bills paid, but there's no room for food or gas....I have applied for a second job at several places, but no luck so far...Who wants to hire a pregnant girl when there plenty of other applicants? I just wish he would have some ambition...goals...something. When we first got together he had 3 different career paths he was seriously considering and then suddenly...he decided none of them were right and refuses to even consider anything else. I don't want to just use him until I get a better job, but I feel like that's what I'm doing now. I feel so guilty about it and then I get angry that he's put me in that position to begin with. OMG!!! If you marry such a useless man not only will you put yourself into financial ruins, but you'll set yourself on a path of being in an unproductive relationship. Don't marry him. I swear, you'll never be happy with him. Just give him back the ring if you have to, but honestly I would think that even if you end up a single mother, at least you won't be stuck with a deadbeat like him.
Glenn Quagmire Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Oh yeah, I meant to comment on this too - no method of contraception is 100% per cent fail proof even if you diligently follow the instructions on the pack. I've also known people who have taken a long time to get pregnant after coming off the pill and others who literally fell pregnant within a week or two after stopping taking it. (That was supposed to be 6 WEEKS, not MONTHS) Our doctor told us that ovulation likely wouldn't even start for 6 weeks. And birth control is a potent estrogen linked to miscarriage. At least thats what we were told.
xpaperxcutx Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 (That was supposed to be 6 WEEKS, not MONTHS) Our doctor told us that ovulation likely wouldn't even start for 6 weeks. And birth control is a potent estrogen linked to miscarriage. At least thats what we were told. Why are you guys still talking about birth control, she's already pregnant. It's not like she can get an abortion anyways. It's the boyfriend that's the problem. He won't work, won't get an education, and hanging around getting a weekly allowance from the pregnant gf.
OverThinker Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 (That was supposed to be 6 WEEKS, not MONTHS) Our doctor told us that ovulation likely wouldn't even start for 6 weeks. And birth control is a potent estrogen linked to miscarriage. At least thats what we were told. True but that is why it says 99% effective every women is different and even each case is different. Some women can get pregnant while on the pill others takes longer after stopping for the system to stabilize. The doctors told my mom the same thing but the week after she dropped the pill I was conceived although it to 6 months before my brother was when she dropped the pill. That is just what happens when we mess with things that we don't fully understand
Lucky_One Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 (That was supposed to be 6 WEEKS, not MONTHS) Our doctor told us that ovulation likely wouldn't even start for 6 weeks. And birth control is a potent estrogen linked to miscarriage. At least thats what we were told. Google. It's free. Learn to use it.
OverThinker Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Why are you guys still talking about birth control, she's already pregnant. It's not like she can get an abortion anyways. It's the boyfriend that's the problem. He won't work, won't get an education, and hanging around getting a weekly allowance from the pregnant gf. Agreed Sorry for the TJ. If he is not gonna man up now then it is not likely to happen after the baby is born and he is just telling you that to get you to keep it. If he doesn't want to MAN up then cut your losses and move on. I know it will be hard but it will be better for you and the baby which should be your focus. Good Luck to you
Author broadway11 Posted May 26, 2009 Author Posted May 26, 2009 I'm going to talk to him tonight and tell him what I need from him. If he can't deliver then I'm just going to put on a happy face until I get a part time job to support myself and the baby...and then tell him to hit the road. It sounds so evil and I hate that it has to be this way because I do love him and he's my best friend....but I can't keep waiting for him to grow up. Thanks for the replies. I was afraid I was wrong in feeling like this...but glad to see that others can see my point of view!
xpaperxcutx Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 I'm going to talk to him tonight and tell him what I need from him. If he can't deliver then I'm just going to put on a happy face until I get a part time job to support myself and the baby...and then tell him to hit the road. It sounds so evil and I hate that it has to be this way because I do love him and he's my best friend....but I can't keep waiting for him to grow up. Thanks for the replies. I was afraid I was wrong in feeling like this...but glad to see that others can see my point of view! You have to be firm with him. Once you have the talk with him, he either takes your ultimatum or not, there is no, " okay I'll wait until I get a job then I'll kick you out". Please, you have to understand your bf is lazy and he will probably never change. If you keep him around and put on a happy face, you might be weakened in your stance to get him to be more proactive in getting a job, and you'll end up putting up with his behaviour again. Do have any close male figures in your life? A father or a brother? Have them there with you so that have strong people with you who can give you support when you're confronting your bf. If your bf says no, then at least you have people who can help you throw him out of the house.
Glenn Quagmire Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Google. It's free. Learn to use it. That's fantastic advice. Ignore my doctor and use Google We were told about the variable time it takes for ovulation to return and also the possible effects increased estrogen can have (potential miscarriage). I'm not going to ignore that because Jimmy2Tone on the SexERup.com message boards insists birth control is a good way to ensure a safe pregnancy. incidentally, I DID Google it and I was right. It typically takes 4-6 weeks for regular periods to return and .... http://wiki.answers.com/Q/Can_the_birth_control_pill_cause_a_miscarriage Look at the contradictory answers on that page from your wonderful internet resource.
Author broadway11 Posted May 26, 2009 Author Posted May 26, 2009 I wish it was that easy...but I can't do that right now. I'm barely scraping by with his salary...if that is gone, it just makes it that much harder. I don't have any money saved up. I won't kick him out right now...but there is a good chance after talking to him that he'll just get mad and run to his mommy's house. If he does, he can stay there. I just mentioned something about it on the phone and he hit the roof....So whatever...I'm tired of little man-boys
moman Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 That's fantastic advice. Ignore my doctor and use Google We were told about the variable time it takes for ovulation to return and also the possible effects increased estrogen can have (potential miscarriage). I'm not going to ignore that because Jimmy2Tone on the SexERup.com message boards insists birth control is a good way to ensure a safe pregnancy. incidentally, I DID Google it and I was right. It typically takes 4-6 weeks for regular periods to return and .... http://wiki.answers.com/Q/Can_the_birth_control_pill_cause_a_miscarriage Look at the contradictory answers on that page from your wonderful internet resource. This discussion, while interesting, is not relevant to the conversation at all. She is pregnant, the boyfriend is lazy, and that's the problem. It's unfortunate they are having this discussion after the pregnancy. I would give him some time though, maybe after the baby is born he will see the amount of responsibility and start pulling his weight. If you ditch him now, he might never see....
Glenn Quagmire Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 This discussion, while interesting, is not relevant to the conversation at all. She is pregnant, the boyfriend is lazy, and that's the problem. It's unfortunate they are having this discussion after the pregnancy. I would give him some time though, maybe after the baby is born he will see the amount of responsibility and start pulling his weight. If you ditch him now, he might never see.... It's extremely relevant for the reason you just mentioned. They should have been having this conversation BEFORE the pregnancy ... or at the very least, earlier on. The degree to which I am right will ultimately offer up some additional insight. If I'm flat out wrong and birth control is 100% safe during pregnancy then her lazy boyfriend is the problem. If there are significant risks and there is potential risk to the baby which was never discussed, then they're BOTH at fault. And her "lazy" boyfriend could take a backseat to the question of her character. Which could potentially tarnish her side of the story to begin with.
Author broadway11 Posted May 26, 2009 Author Posted May 26, 2009 Um...Excuse me?? My character?? Oh I'm sorry that I was on birth control (you know...what you take so you DON'T have children) and got pregnant. Obviously (or maybe not to you...) I quit taking it as soon as I found out I was pregnant. What I'm getting from you post is I'm a terrible person because I was taking steps to prevent having a child and it happened anyway. Guess I should have just aborted it to make people like you happy :rolleyes: Go play in someone else's thread. You are pretty much a moron.
moman Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Plenty of women get pregnant on birth control: do research on the effects of antibiotics on B/C. The important thing (and I'm not a MD) is to stop taking B/C as soon as the pregnancy is known and see a doctor. Can we stop this segment of the discussion, as it shows nothing of broadways' character? Geez the guy could have used a condom.
Glenn Quagmire Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Plenty of women get pregnant on birth control: do research on the effects of antibiotics on B/C. The important thing (and I'm not a MD) is to stop taking B/C as soon as the pregnancy is known and see a doctor. Can we stop this segment of the discussion, as it shows nothing of broadways' character? Geez the guy could have used a condom. I just had this discussion the other day ... I'll make a new thread though since you people are hell bent on total relevance.
Recommended Posts