Bella Jordan Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Hello all. After 7 months together, I'm concerned that my boyfriend has begun to take me for granted. Let me start by saying that my boyfriend is a wonderful man and that I fully understand that after you've been together for some time, you begin to fall into a rhythm together and that things become, well, less-exciting. I first noticed a change about a month ago, when our time together consisted primarily of running errands and job-hunting. He also became less affectionate - he stopped holding my hand in public, no longer touched or caressed me in a tender manner. He almost seems to have become more selfish as well; we each had job interviews in the past week and it feels like all he can talk about and focus on is his own professional prospect. While I'm excited for him and will support him whatever the outcome, a little enthusiasm for my own prospect would be appreciated. Our sex life has also taken a hit. The sex has become completely routine and lacks intimacy, as if he is just fulfilling some basic physiological need. He rarely kisses me anymore - aside from a quick "peck" on the lips - and has begun to initiate sex (less frequently, I might add) in very undesirable and unromantic ways. To make matters worse, my boyfriend has a habit of behaving in exactly the opposite manner whenever he consumes alcohol. He becomes much more open about his feelings and much more outwardly affectionate. He tells me how lucky he is to have found me and how he never thought he'd find someone as perfect for him as I am. He becomes grateful and tender and, while I appreciate the sentiment, I can't help but wonder a) why he can't act/think this way when he's sober, and b) if perhaps I'm just exhibiting self-destructive behavior and inadvertently trying to sabotage my relationship.
OverThinker Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Well you mentioned Job-hunting, is this a recent loss of job and search for a new one? It sounds to me like stress over the whole job thing. I know if I were out of the job in this economy the only thing on my mind would be finding a new one. His behavor under the influence also supports this in my mind, when people drink they relax and tend to let there true feelings out. If things don't change when he has a new job then I would be concerned but under the current conditions I would say its stress. Thats just my opion take it for what its worth.
carhill Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Generally, people who behave in the opposite manner when high or under the influence have emotional/psychological problems. I've noticed the same pattern with women. The unstable ones can keep up a facade for awhile and then reality gets out. Beware
Glenn Quagmire Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Hello all. After 7 months together, I'm concerned that my boyfriend has begun to take me for granted. Let me start by saying that my boyfriend is a wonderful man and that I fully understand that after you've been together for some time, you begin to fall into a rhythm together and that things become, well, less-exciting. I first noticed a change about a month ago, when our time together consisted primarily of running errands and job-hunting. He also became less affectionate - he stopped holding my hand in public, no longer touched or caressed me in a tender manner. He almost seems to have become more selfish as well; we each had job interviews in the past week and it feels like all he can talk about and focus on is his own professional prospect. While I'm excited for him and will support him whatever the outcome, a little enthusiasm for my own prospect would be appreciated. Our sex life has also taken a hit. The sex has become completely routine and lacks intimacy, as if he is just fulfilling some basic physiological need. He rarely kisses me anymore - aside from a quick "peck" on the lips - and has begun to initiate sex (less frequently, I might add) in very undesirable and unromantic ways. To make matters worse, my boyfriend has a habit of behaving in exactly the opposite manner whenever he consumes alcohol. He becomes much more open about his feelings and much more outwardly affectionate. He tells me how lucky he is to have found me and how he never thought he'd find someone as perfect for him as I am. He becomes grateful and tender and, while I appreciate the sentiment, I can't help but wonder a) why he can't act/think this way when he's sober, and b) if perhaps I'm just exhibiting self-destructive behavior and inadvertently trying to sabotage my relationship. Welcome to basically every guy in every relationship. We get bored after a while. My advice is to tough it out until you become part of his routine. Then you'll get the same respect as the cat and *maybe* his car. I'm convinced human beings are not wired to be monogamous.
loveslife Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Being out of work puts a tremendous strain on a man. Not that it doesn't for a woman also, but a man's identity is much more strongly tied to being the Provider. I don't know your boyfriend so only you can know for sure. I do know that my friends with husbands who lost their job are going through a lot with the men being miserable. It's a very difficult time.
paddington bear Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Welcome to basically every guy in every relationship. We get bored after a while. My advice is to tough it out until you become part of his routine. Then you'll get the same respect as the cat and *maybe* his car. I'm convinced human beings are not wired to be monogamous. And every woman... However these situations can be rescued with some effort, I do firmly believe that. A male acquaintance of mine said his marriage had gone stale since the birth of their 2 children and simply the daily grind of life, he bought some book about revitalising your marriage and followed the instructions step-by-step which was to bascially going back to wooing your other half. Putting love notes into a wallet, under the pillow and so on. I met him a few weeks later and asked him how it went and he was all full of the joys of Spring, second honeymoon period and all that. You can hang around and wait for your boyfriend's behaviour to change or you can try to change things yourself (even if you feel 'I'm already doing all the work here, why do I have to fix this too'), but one of you has to do something, and if he's not, it's up to you. Show him the way and then let him follow your lead. Sex leads to intimacy, so if you're feeling it's all gone of a bit like a chore, he's probably feeling it too, just surprise him by doing something different to make him wake up a bit. His work life seems to have been the key factor in things going downhill. Try somehow to spend some time together doing something you both enjoy, you don't have to talk about work or problems or whatever, in fact probably better not to. Simply spending time together having fun, which is what you would have done when you first got together re-bonds you to your SO which should lead to more intimacy emotionally and in the bedroom (this really worked for someone I know - an hour spent doing a crossword puzzle together if you can believe, despite living together for years, it was the first shared activity they'd done in a long time, sex life perked up and general romance and intimacy returned).
bean1 Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Well, before assuming the worst, this is probably an indication of the "comfort zone" that relationships go through. Contrary to popular belief of some women, men do go through periods of not being as interested in sex. It's usually linked to life pressures (and not having a job for man is certainly one of them). Do you guys "date" still?
carhill Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Underscored in the OP and contrary to male experience, women have few skills to deal with a man with diminished sexual and/or romantic desire. Men, OTOH, have been dealing with the vagaries of female sex/romantic drive since puberty and are "expected" to have coping skills in that area. My worry with the OP's man is that he isn't invested in the relationship emotionally and is "thinking" it, hence the dichotomy between words and actions, along with inconsistency in both. I think her concerns are valid and with substance.
robinincarolina Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 You can turn this around. There is no doubt. Yes it is normal to get into a routine, but this happened to me and we broke up. I saw the signs and like you was frustrated. I took drastic measures, but my advice is don't let it get to that point. What I am about to tell you to do is hard, but I promise you, it works. Start putting some distance there. If he is pulling away, you push back. I don't mean push him, I mean push away from him. Let him experience what its like without you around all the time. There is a lot more to it than this and a lot of reasons why this could work, but it has always worked for me. You are the one worried. Perhaps he would appreciate you more if he were the one to worry a bit. Just do something unpredictable, maybe go out with your freinds one night instead of him. Don't be so available all the time. I am not telling you to play games, just interact more in your own life and not so much in his. Read Paige Parker's book dating without drama. It will change the way you think and help you not to get where you are at now. Just my opinion.
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