dressing up Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 It's been puzzling to me that I seem to be able to attract men while doing my own thing and minding my own business, such as walking on the streets, or getting coffee at cafes. In case you think I get many dates from these encounters, hold that thought. There are just a few and from others I get a smile. But I don't seem to get many men asking me out at social events (those in confined places like someone's house or at organised parties or conferences). No, it's not because I come across as dumb when I open my mouth. So my question is does anyone has any insights or has experiences like this? Does it make sense that I "look better" minding my own business or it's because I'm not with company? Guys, do you do that? Pay more attention to girls on the streets or out and about instead of at parties or social events? Any insights appreciated.
xpaperxcutx Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Every guy will look but it doesn't mean they'll chase. You wouldn't expect a guy to actually walk up to you on the street and go " so can I get your number?" You would probably be a bit taken aback.
Author dressing up Posted May 26, 2009 Author Posted May 26, 2009 Every guy will look but it doesn't mean they'll chase. You wouldn't expect a guy to actually walk up to you on the street and go " so can I get your number?" You would probably be a bit taken aback. No, I don't expect that but I have met a few of the brave ones who did that. That's besides the point. I'm confused as to why I only get them on the streets instead of at social events and whether there's anything I might have "done wrong." I know that most guys won't walk up to me on the streets to ask for my number that I want to find out how to "improve" and get asked out at social events.
paddington bear Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Could be nerves on their part, I mean I don't know, maybe you are a very attractive woman, there is not chance of rejection by smiling at you on the street, as they'll likely never see you again. At a party or whatever, maybe they are afraid to talk to you in case you reject them...??? Male cousin of mine and a male friend of his were at a club recently. Female cousin was appalled when she noticed their behaviour. They both pointed out girls that they found really attractive, but then neither would go near the girls 'Oh she'd never be interested in me', both ended up chatting up girls that they weren't so attracted or interested in because of this. This HAS to be the reason I don't get approached either...I'm just too gorgeous to be approached (yeah well, I can dream can't I??? )
Author dressing up Posted May 26, 2009 Author Posted May 26, 2009 This HAS to be the reason I don't get approached either...I'm just too gorgeous to be approached (yeah well, I can dream can't I??? ) I read that for attractive people, it comes down to body language. Attractiveness and bad body language is the worst combination. I won't give myself 110 points for looks but I'm far from ugly (not trying to sell myself here). If guys act the way you said your cousin and male friend did, then what are gorgeous people like us to do?! Seriously, what? I'm not the best flirt around town.
Itsnotme Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 This HAS to be the reason I don't get approached either...I'm just too gorgeous to be approached (yeah well, I can dream can't I??? ) I have the same problem. My ex online love interest was too gutless to meet me on three occasions. Hard work this 'being gorgeous' lark isn't it?
prettybaby Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 I think guys will only approach women who seem non-threatening and approachable. To come across that way, you basically have to encourage them a bit. Smile at them, say hi, ask what time it is, etc. Really, just anything random to kind of break the ice and make it clear that it's okay for them to start talking to you.
paddington bear Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 I read that for attractive people, it comes down to body language. Attractiveness and bad body language is the worst combination. Actually I think you've probably answered your (and my) dilemma too. Attractive (I would call myself attractive too) but with rubbish body language/flirting skills. I'm picturing a cute guy at a party, spots woman he thinks is attractive, woman sees him, she doesn't smile at him, she remains with her companions, all her focus on them, or she stays alone and self-sufficient with a 'don't dare approach me' vibe somewhere. Much as cute guy wants to approach her, through what he sees he thinks for sure he's going to get knocked-back, so does nothing. Prettybaby is right, guys will approach women who are approachable, you could be the most stunning woman on earth but if you show them that you are open to being talked with then that gives them the green light. I've been trying to change my flirting skills, as I'm useless, and with what little I've done, I've already noticed a difference. Smiling at random men on the street, chit-chatting and joking with male shop-keepers, being open and warm to men (whether attracted to or not) that I've been introduced to. But I keep slipping back into my old ways without even realising it. I guess practice makes perfect, it has to become second nature and come naturally and that's going to take time...which is annoying, as I want INSTANT results!!!!
Author dressing up Posted May 27, 2009 Author Posted May 27, 2009 There's another problem, where I think guys just think the better-looking girls naturally have significant others already. Guys, do you really think so and then not make a move? But I agree that one has to look approachable before guys will make a move. It's the looking approaching that takes skills. I don't necessarily want instant results, but fast results would be good! Question for the guys: what are some of the characteristics or traits in a woman that will encourage you to make a move?
neowulf Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 Ok, I'll wade in Keep in mind, this is just one opinion. Don't shoot the messenger. There's another problem, where I think guys just think the better-looking girls naturally have significant others already. Guys, do you really think so and then not make a move? The short answer is yes. The slightly longer one is a bit more complicated. I'll run though a bunch of really common stuff that runs through a lot of mens heads. "She's hot, probably got a boyfriend" "She's hot, probably crazy" "She's hot, probably high maintenance" "She's hot, probably a gold digger" "She's hot, probably brain dead" "She's hot, bet she's stuck up" "She's waaay too hot for me, forget asking her out" etc.. etc... etc. All of these assumptions stem from a wide variety of sources, but the crux of it is "Fear of Rejection". Most average men (the ones who haven't enjoyed consistent success in scoring with the ladies) will tell themselves these things, because it's easier than dealing with said fear. It's why you'll see just slightly better than average girls (girl next store look) who are constantly swarmed by guys vying for their attention. Because those girls are comfortable to approach and to chance. They're not intimidating. Question for the guys: what are some of the characteristics or traits in a woman that will encourage you to make a move? Before the approach: - Open body language (not looking angry, disinterested) - Looking in my direction, making eye contact with me and smiling. At this point, depending on a number of factors, I'll choose to approach. Some of these might be; - What kind of day I'm having. Am I feeling confident? Or am I really feeling off my game? - How do I feel about myself? Positive? Or again, kinda rough day, stressful. - How intimidated I feel. Is this girl a stunner? Do I feel up for that kind of challenge? Finally, lets assume I approach; - She's warm - Smiles - Shows genuine interest in conversation (rather than simply humoring me) - Asks open questions (encourages further conversation) - Moves closer, increases proximity At this point, I'm usually bright enough to figure out that she's actually *keen* on me and ask for her number. Oddly enough, it appears pretty common for women to be unaware of just how much control they have over who approaches them. I read somewhere that something like 70% of approaches are signaled first by the woman.
Author dressing up Posted May 27, 2009 Author Posted May 27, 2009 Ok, I'll wade in Keep in mind, this is just one opinion. Don't shoot the messenger. There's another problem, where I think guys just think the better-looking girls naturally have significant others already. Guys, do you really think so and then not make a move? The short answer is yes. The slightly longer one is a bit more complicated. I'll run though a bunch of really common stuff that runs through a lot of mens heads. "She's hot, probably got a boyfriend" "She's hot, probably crazy" "She's hot, probably high maintenance" "She's hot, probably a gold digger" "She's hot, probably brain dead" "She's hot, bet she's stuck up" "She's waaay too hot for me, forget asking her out" etc.. etc... etc. All of these assumptions stem from a wide variety of sources, but the crux of it is "Fear of Rejection". Most average men (the ones who haven't enjoyed consistent success in scoring with the ladies) will tell themselves these things, because it's easier than dealing with said fear. It's why you'll see just slightly better than average girls (girl next store look) who are constantly swarmed by guys vying for their attention. Because those girls are comfortable to approach and to chance. They're not intimidating. Question for the guys: what are some of the characteristics or traits in a woman that will encourage you to make a move? Before the approach: - Open body language (not looking angry, disinterested) - Looking in my direction, making eye contact with me and smiling. At this point, depending on a number of factors, I'll choose to approach. Some of these might be; - What kind of day I'm having. Am I feeling confident? Or am I really feeling off my game? - How do I feel about myself? Positive? Or again, kinda rough day, stressful. - How intimidated I feel. Is this girl a stunner? Do I feel up for that kind of challenge? Finally, lets assume I approach; - She's warm - Smiles - Shows genuine interest in conversation (rather than simply humoring me) - Asks open questions (encourages further conversation) - Moves closer, increases proximity At this point, I'm usually bright enough to figure out that she's actually *keen* on me and ask for her number. Oddly enough, it appears pretty common for women to be unaware of just how much control they have over who approaches them. I read somewhere that something like 70% of approaches are signaled first by the woman. Thanks, Neowulf. This is really helpful. I shall practice and make it perfect.
Bells Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 It's been puzzling to me that I seem to be able to attract men while doing my own thing and minding my own business, such as walking on the streets, or getting coffee at cafes. In case you think I get many dates from these encounters, hold that thought. There are just a few and from others I get a smile. But I don't seem to get many men asking me out at social events (those in confined places like someone's house or at organised parties or conferences). No, it's not because I come across as dumb when I open my mouth. So my question is does anyone has any insights or has experiences like this? Does it make sense that I "look better" minding my own business or it's because I'm not with company? Guys, do you do that? Pay more attention to girls on the streets or out and about instead of at parties or social events? Any insights appreciated. Yeah, at some of the Meetup.com events I had been to, apparently the "regulars" have this new policy of "not dating the guys at these gatherings". They are missing out on these single guys around them, but don't want to date them. Better of just pursuing the non-regulars or the NEW friend the regular brings with her. The New faces that is.
Bells Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 Actually I think you've probably answered your (and my) dilemma too. Attractive (I would call myself attractive too) but with rubbish body language/flirting skills. I'm picturing a cute guy at a party, spots woman he thinks is attractive, woman sees him, she doesn't smile at him, she remains with her companions, all her focus on them, or she stays alone and self-sufficient with a 'don't dare approach me' vibe somewhere. Much as cute guy wants to approach her, through what he sees he thinks for sure he's going to get knocked-back, so does nothing. Prettybaby is right, guys will approach women who are approachable, you could be the most stunning woman on earth but if you show them that you are open to being talked with then that gives them the green light. I've been trying to change my flirting skills, as I'm useless, and with what little I've done, I've already noticed a difference. Smiling at random men on the street, chit-chatting and joking with male shop-keepers, being open and warm to men (whether attracted to or not) that I've been introduced to. But I keep slipping back into my old ways without even realising it. I guess practice makes perfect, it has to become second nature and come naturally and that's going to take time...which is annoying, as I want INSTANT results!!!! Well, some dating advice people and even common sense....even your OWN instincts tell you NOT too approach someone if they aren't opened to being approached. There are some guys out there when they make eye contact with a woman....or try to talk to her...ignore her body language...and attempt to make conversation regardless no matter what she does with her body langage. And most women will deem this guy as a pushy jerk who can't take the "hint" of her body language. Of course, some are oblivious to the whole body language thing anyhow
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