Charles1978 Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 I've got myself in a bit of a mess. I started seeing this beautiful girl who I like very much. She is 7 years younger than me... I'm 30. Been dating about a month. She and have not decided to be exclusive, but she has made hints that we should not be hooking up with other people. She still has guys after her from before we started dating... no problem... that happens when a relationship starts. But the problem is, I have absolutely no room to talk, and it is weighing on my conscience. The other girl is 1 1/2 yrs younger than me, and we have been friends for a little over a year now. Coincidentally, we hooked up right when I started dating this other girl. I'm not sure if she was just freaked out that she might lose me to this other girl or what, but she initiated all of it... but I went along with it. This girl knows about the other girl... knows we are sleeping together, but still has sex with me too. I don't stop it, except last night I did. Last night was the first time we have had sex, and it freaked me out, so I stopped it. This upset her... I caught her crying about it, etc. I am not one to sleep with multiple women at the same time. I will admit that I am enjoying it... I am a man afterall. But on Sunday, the girl I am dating admitted to me that she has never felt like this with anyone else. And she freaked me out by telling me "I will marry you" after only one month. I don't think she is the most emotionally stable girl in the world. I like them both equally, but do not want to hurt either one of them. The girl I am "dating" knows nothing, but suspects something between us. The "friend" I am seeing on the side knows about the other, and has told me she is willing to take the chance getting hurt. But I dont want to hurt either. Basically my question is... when two relationships start at basically the same time, and you feel equally strong for both... how do you sort through it? How on earth do you make a decision? Anyone with similar experiences... how did you deal with it, and how did it end up? My conscience is telling me to end one or the other. Thanks
mr.dream merchant Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Are you going to stay with one after ending the other? They both seem emotionally unstable to me.
Author Charles1978 Posted May 26, 2009 Author Posted May 26, 2009 Are you going to stay with one after ending the other? They both seem emotionally unstable to me. That is another question on my mind. One minute the friend is saying "what are we doing?" in an "oh God" kind of way. The other just adores me almost excessively and says some things about our future... things that she should not be saying this early. But she is less mature. I just don't know. Part of me thinks that if I chose the friend, she may get cold feet... because I don't know her motivations. Part of me thinks she just wants me all to herself because we do A LOT of stuff together... things that just kinda stopped when I started seeing this other girl. I have a lot of thinking to do.
loveslife Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 If you were seeing each of them without the other how would you feel about them? Honestly, it sounds like the younger girl is kind of freaking you out. With your friend, I'm sorry but I don't think you're being nice to her. She might be willing to do this, but a good man, a kind man, doesn't do this to a woman he cares about. If it weren't for you feeling guilty about having both of them, what would you do? My suggestion is to "man up" and do the right thing. Even if you end up alone for now it's better than what you're doing.
Author Charles1978 Posted May 26, 2009 Author Posted May 26, 2009 She might be willing to do this, but a good man, a kind man, doesn't do this to a woman he cares about. My suggestion is to "man up" and do the right thing. Even if you end up alone for now it's better than what you're doing. This is exactly what I'm thinking. I'm actually leaning towards ending what is going on with the friend. Mostly because she keeps saying things like "I don't want to hurt you if things go badly" or "I don't know what I want" or "What am I doing? I'm crazy" etc etc... She doesn't seem too sure that she wants to pursue this. She told me that she doesn't want me to regret dumping this girl I'm dating if things don't work out. She just seems very unsure, and for that reason, so am I. With this other girl, there are no issues like that... none. I'm pretty sure she already is in love with me, and I'm slowly becoming attatched to her too. But you are right... the situation I'm in now is not right to either of them. I need to make a call... just don't know which one is right.
loveslife Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Charles, you seem like a good man. I can tell you want to do the right thing and it's natural you would be confused. It sounds like a lot happened in a kind of whirlwind. I think the best thing to do is to be honest with your friend. It's always the best policy, right? Just be careful with the younger one. It might be fun and exciting that she's so into you now, but something sounds a little off to me.
SoulSearch_CO Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Wow. That's pretty fudged up. I was actually thinking the friend and dump the young girl. But now I don't know. I don't think EITHER option is a good one.
start-fresh Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Yeah, things sound a little off with both of them. The younger girl is probably infatuated with you and I would be worried about your friend losing interest if you choose her. She sounds really confused and it could be a case of wanting something she can't have.
Lucky555 Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 I dont know what kind of relationship you had set with either girl but both of them should know now about the relationship and about having sex. If the younger girl hinted that you shouldn't be sleeping with other women when your with her then this maybe a deal breaker but at least you were honest and she can get checked for STDS. seriously, your not being responsible or fair to either girl. Make up your mind of what you want and stop taking women for granted.
Author Charles1978 Posted May 27, 2009 Author Posted May 27, 2009 Taking women for granted? If I were, this stuff wouldn't bother me. I'd just enjoy the situation I've found myself in and not worry about it. But it does bother me... I have a conscience, so I am looking for a way to get out of the situation. I'm a relationship guy... I don't sleep around, so this is certainly out of my nature. One development is that last night, I told the "friend" that we can no longer sleep together until I sort all this out. She agreed, so I am making headway here. I feel that this is definitely the right move. I just dont really find myself excited about my relationship with the new girl... but I think that this is because of what has happened. I feel guilty, although this is a recent development because she is hinting at being exclusive. I'm sorting it out and I know I'll do the right thing... it is getting there that is the hard part.
WTRanger Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 Remember though, the "friend" only really stared to want you more once you started dating and giving someone else attention. I know the "friend" was the OG crush, but I would seriously be thinking about her true motives. They could be pure and she just needed to see you with someone else for her to really realize how she felt, but I'd just be careful.
AlektraClementine Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 Another option is to tell the girl you're dating that you are sleeping with other people. That way, she has a say in this too. The only reason I advise this is because while I understand that people can "multiple date" in the beginning, I would NEVER continue to sleep with a man if I found out he was banging other chicks. I'm not saying that everyone feels this way, but you are kind of keeping this other girl in the dark about something that might concern her a great deal.
Author Charles1978 Posted May 27, 2009 Author Posted May 27, 2009 I agree with both of you. And yes, I do need to let the other girl know that I am not being exclusive. This might be a deal breaker for her, but that would be a consequence of my actions... so I am prepared to accept that. I will probably avoid telling her who I'm seeing to avoid drama because they have met eachother. But I do need to do the right thing here. She deserves to know. This is not going to be fun, but it is the right thing to do.
AlektraClementine Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 I agree with both of you. And yes, I do need to let the other girl know that I am not being exclusive. This might be a deal breaker for her, but that would be a consequence of my actions... so I am prepared to accept that. I will probably avoid telling her who I'm seeing to avoid drama because they have met eachother. But I do need to do the right thing here. She deserves to know. This is not going to be fun, but it is the right thing to do. Good. Sometimes it works to just go with full disclosure. Then you are relieved of the burden of having to make the decision by yourself.
loveslife Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 I agree with both of you. And yes, I do need to let the other girl know that I am not being exclusive. This might be a deal breaker for her, but that would be a consequence of my actions... so I am prepared to accept that. I will probably avoid telling her who I'm seeing to avoid drama because they have met eachother. But I do need to do the right thing here. She deserves to know. This is not going to be fun, but it is the right thing to do. Please don't take this as attacking because I don't know you at all. But it seems like you enjoy the idea of telling her so she can be the one to make the decision, be proactive. When in truth you realize you maybe shouldn't have gotten involved with both at once. It seems like this is not in your general nature but you just got caught up and now you're going to let the ladies sort it out for you. In my opinion, "the right thing to do" would have been to not get into this situation to begin with, but it is what it is. Just be prepared that this younger girl, who has no idea you're sleeping with your friend, is probably going to want to know details, and also know which one you like better. This is going to suck for her ego and self-esteem more than its "not going to be fun" for you.
Author Charles1978 Posted May 27, 2009 Author Posted May 27, 2009 Please don't take this as attacking because I don't know you at all. But it seems like you enjoy the idea of telling her so she can be the one to make the decision, be proactive. When in truth you realize you maybe shouldn't have gotten involved with both at once. It seems like this is not in your general nature but you just got caught up and now you're going to let the ladies sort it out for you. In my opinion, "the right thing to do" would have been to not get into this situation to begin with, but it is what it is. Just be prepared that this younger girl, who has no idea you're sleeping with your friend, is probably going to want to know details, and also know which one you like better. This is going to suck for her ego and self-esteem more than its "not going to be fun" for you. No offense taken, but no, I won't enjoy it. There won't be much sorting out to do because if it goes as I think it will... the new relationship will be over, and the friend will move in. However, I agree with Ranger 100%. Even though this friend of mine claims to have had feelings for me for months... I pretty much agree that she wants me now because I have found someone else. It's just another thing I have to think about. These are things you just won't know until it's too late.
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