WTFO Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Hello all, I saw this forum and have been reading alot of posts about Separation. Here is the deal in a nut shell. The wife wasn't happy a couple of years back, told me she was miserable but would always bounce back to her old self(I found out recently it was all a mask) Even when we started dating she would break it off once then 2 months later we were back together. Now jump ahead to present day. She seems like a changed woman. It's like I don't even recognize her old self. I got the "I love you, but not in love w/you thing" She told me she is not happy,and doesn't want it anymore. She swears there is no other, but i think there is. She hires baby sitters on the wknds when she has the kids. She makes about 2x more money than I do and couldn't afford the kids on my own. I am looking at apartments close by so I can see them when I can. Gunny I need some intel. She keeps saying maybe in a couple of yrs who knows what will happen,but right now she wants to be seperated and do her own thing. We are both seeing a shrink not together though. She refuses to go together. We live in the same place but switch sleeping arrangements. Couch/Bed. With advice from shrink he said to concentrate on myself so I am. I lost 13lbs go to the gym 3 days a week and I am applying to school soon. But,I still don't really want to do these things,just forcing myself too to take my mind off of this whole ordeal. I'm really at a loss for words. this hurts so much, and I KNOW she doesn't want it,but I still cant seem to let go. We want to go the mediator route,because we both cant afford lawyers. We want to make this as painless as possible. Yea i know, but I really do love the girl and want to see her happy. She just doesn't want it and I have to respect that. I cant really say anything bad about her. She paid 95% of the bills and doesn't even want child support. Is a good mom. I just cant believe its over. Any advice comments? Thanks
seibert253 Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Even though you're thinking about mediation, you need to protect yourself. Talk to an attorney about your options just in case. Have you two been to counseling, individual and marriage? All her waffling back and forth seems strange. Signs of fence sitting my man. Torn between two opposing forces moving in opposite directions. There are times when a women wants out of the marriage because of marital reasons, but many times it's because of another man. Do your homework before coming to conclusions. Check her cell phone, computer, etc. Don't take her at her word, cheaters lie. Not saying she's cheating, and not saying she's lying, but in God we trust, all others we investigate.
JLee26 Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 I'm not entirely sure what it is that you are asking, do you want advice on making it work or advice on letting go and moving on? It sounds as though you have always been her rock and have always been there for her as she phases through life. Which is an amazing and difficult thing for a man to do. I don't get the feeling that there is another man, it sounds more like she is simply looking for something new in her life, a change of pace. While giving her the freedom to that is wonderful you are leaving yourself in a very precarious position. And after years of allowing this to go on she perhaps come to expect that she can do this without consequence, and that is devaluing yourself. As well as setting a bad example for your children that they can at any point simply walk away when things get at tough. This is a value that could prevent them from really achieving all they are capable of if they blatantly walk away because the payoff seems out of reach. I guess the bottom line is this, decide what YOU want and then set your foot down. If you want to be with her, tell her and make your point. If she is not receptive walk away and move on. Quit being her door mat that she can step on every time she comes and goes. If you want our be OUT. Move out, move on. Go to school and go full steam ahead with your life, and if in a few years she comes crawling back you will have the choice to take it or leave it. But you will have at least the knowledge that you didn't stand stagnant waiting on her decision. Put the ball in your own court and quit waiting on her for the decision making.
Jdw_Icequeen Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 I know what your going through. I am also getting the I love you bit but not in love w/you. Then he says things like I love you and care for you more than anyone in the world. He is also seeing someone else. He says there just friends but I have seen her txt msg's, I miss you baby etc. Then says maybe a few yrs down the road will get back together. You don't know if she is cheating, but I wouldn't dwell on it. It's also a waste of time hoping you will get back together. My EX is good at mind games. Alot of them are it seems they want to be free and if they don't like it they want to leave the door open to come back. Its up to you if you want to close that door or not. The best thing you can do is what your doing. Work on yourself and try to imagine a better life out there for you. Its hard I know it hurts alot I still ake my time to cry when I need too and because of your feelings of misery and depression you don't want to do anything. I force myself everyday to move on and we all wish for an easy way out of our nightmares. I'm hoping it will get easier, right now just focus on one day at a time and try not to get to overwhelmed with everything you have to do. Just one day at a time. My heart goes out to you. Take care..
Author WTFO Posted May 26, 2009 Author Posted May 26, 2009 I'm not entirely sure what it is that you are asking, do you want advice on making it work or advice on letting go and moving on? It sounds as though you have always been her rock and have always been there for her as she phases through life. Which is an amazing and difficult thing for a man to do. I don't get the feeling that there is another man, it sounds more like she is simply looking for something new in her life, a change of pace. While giving her the freedom to that is wonderful you are leaving yourself in a very precarious position. And after years of allowing this to go on she perhaps come to expect that she can do this without consequence, and that is devaluing yourself. As well as setting a bad example for your children that they can at any point simply walk away when things get at tough. This is a value that could prevent them from really achieving all they are capable of if they blatantly walk away because the payoff seems out of reach. I guess the bottom line is this, decide what YOU want and then set your foot down. If you want to be with her, tell her and make your point. If she is not receptive walk away and move on. Quit being her door mat that she can step on every time she comes and goes. If you want our be OUT. Move out, move on. Go to school and go full steam ahead with your life, and if in a few years she comes crawling back you will have the choice to take it or leave it. But you will have at least the knowledge that you didn't stand stagnant waiting on her decision. Put the ball in your own court and quit waiting on her for the decision making. I guess, what I'm trying to say is, how do I REALLY let go? 10 yrs we have been together and she wants nothing to do with me. Its hard to swallow. With kids together, ill see this woman for the rest of my life. And eventually with another man is going to be worse. I never thought it would come to this, but then again who does? Thanks for the support. It helps. I forgot to add: what is this 180. People are talking about? I did a search and found nothing on it.
delajoonal Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 hi WTFO... i believe the 180..is the 180 degree turn around...back to YOU...before marriage...back to who you were before marriage/divorce..? now i could be wrong...i am sure a vet of LS can correct me etc.. but i also wanted to say after reading your posts that it is great you came here..NOT great you are in pain however... i too have lost my marriage of 13 years to man i have NO CLUE who he is anymore...really, almost to the point of it scares me...not for my life..but because it is so weird that in the past 3 months, (since our seperation) stbxh is quite literally someone else. he talks differently, mostly yells lately...his vocab is even different...etc..and if your gut tells you there is someone else...please do some spying..it is just better to find out, so you can grieve it and move on from it...the wondering is the worst part...cause you prolly already know, right? but just need that one email or cell call to put it to rest...so do the spying...so you can move on to you:) divorce/separation is the hardest thing i have ever had to do in my life...but we are all here doing it...everyone here is amazing, so please keep posting...it will help so much.. take care....
Author WTFO Posted May 27, 2009 Author Posted May 27, 2009 hi WTFO... i believe the 180..is the 180 degree turn around...back to YOU...before marriage...back to who you were before marriage/divorce..? now i could be wrong...i am sure a vet of LS can correct me etc.. but i also wanted to say after reading your posts that it is great you came here..NOT great you are in pain however... i too have lost my marriage of 13 years to man i have NO CLUE who he is anymore...really, almost to the point of it scares me...not for my life..but because it is so weird that in the past 3 months, (since our seperation) stbxh is quite literally someone else. he talks differently, mostly yells lately...his vocab is even different...etc..and if your gut tells you there is someone else...please do some spying..it is just better to find out, so you can grieve it and move on from it...the wondering is the worst part...cause you prolly already know, right? but just need that one email or cell call to put it to rest...so do the spying...so you can move on to you:) divorce/separation is the hardest thing i have ever had to do in my life...but we are all here doing it...everyone here is amazing, so please keep posting...it will help so much.. take care.... Well, I did some things and I found out there is somebody. She is even talking to his kids and having my children speak to his child as well. She is calling him babe and honey already too. I have a lot of feelings, I don't know if I should confront her, keep on the DL for the kids or go for the jugular and get a lawyer. We are in alot of debt and a Lawyer for both of us is just to much. So I ask you fellow peoples that have been there. Now what??? STBXW is getting really weird. I sleep on the couch now and her in her room. She NEVER closed the door when she sleeps now she does.She is starting arguments and telling me she is going to take the kids to her mothers and stay there,because she thinks im the one that has changed. So once again I thank you for your time in setting me straight in this thing. Should I pretend this other guy doesn't exist and go on my marry way or confront her and tell her I know the truth. What are the Legal ramafacations etc. Thanks.
seibert253 Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 Contact an attorney NOW, and tell her THERE IS NO WAY SHE'S REMOVING YOUR CHILDREN FROM THEIR HOME. If she wants to leave, fine. Tell her you'll help you pack, but she's not taking your children and disrupting their lives because of her selfishness and infidelity. Game on, no more Mr. Nice Guy. Let her know you've retained an attorney and you are aware of your rights. I would also tell her that if she does try and remove your children from their home, you will be filing for divorce immediately, and petitioning the court for custody.
Author WTFO Posted May 27, 2009 Author Posted May 27, 2009 Contact an attorney NOW, and tell her THERE IS NO WAY SHE'S REMOVING YOUR CHILDREN FROM THEIR HOME. If she wants to leave, fine. Tell her you'll help you pack, but she's not taking your children and disrupting their lives because of her selfishness and infidelity. Game on, no more Mr. Nice Guy. Let her know you've retained an attorney and you are aware of your rights. I would also tell her that if she does try and remove your children from their home, you will be filing for divorce immediately, and petitioning the court for custody. I'm on it. Attny is calling me back later today. Hold on ladies and gents this is going to get bumpy.
Ariadne Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 She paid 95% of the bills and doesn't even want child support. Is a good mom. I just cant believe its over. Any advice comments? Thanks Well, sorry about that. I'd say moving as close as you can is the best idea, so that you don't lose your children in the ordeal. That way you'd be able to take them to school or pick them up and share the responsibility. You are lucky she doesn't even want child support, overall, you got an ideal deal. As usual, time will tell. Good luck.
delajoonal Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 DO NOT Move out of your house! DO confront her..BUT in a civilazed manner, methodical composed tone..and make sure the kids are at school or grandma's? she needs to know that YOU know.. and you are NOT a fool... who cares about debt...that can be paid or not...file bankruptcy.? what you can't afford is too lose one more day of dignity or self esteem...or sleep! im with seibert on this one...CALL an attorney...you can make payments or sell your wedding ring for the retainer fee...let her know YOU mean business...that sure would me..; :0 please keep us posted...sure hope it goes well... take care
Gunny376 Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 Its 5X5 and 6X6's! You'll remeber those days of pain and suffering! Nothing but pain and suffering! Being tested! Mentaily, physicallly, emotionally! Well you're being tested again! Even more so! You're going to be drawn to your knees! Before God, and your going to cry your ever loving eyes out! And you wil survive! You're being tempered! Made harder than steel! The "hampering" that your going through?" Is the "tempering" that your going thorugh! Its what 'Lakeside" and 'I've" have gone through in the Marine Corps! Forget it! I'm ALIVE!
Author WTFO Posted May 30, 2009 Author Posted May 30, 2009 please keep us posted...sure hope it goes well... take care Well here is the deal. I have been calling attorneys and getting the skinny on things. I went to my counselor and he believes I should ONLY concentrate on me. I got home from wk and had a heart to heart with the stbxw. It was such a mature conversation, I actually started to not care if we went our separate ways. I can't control anybody to love me. I am a great guy,I tried everything to keep "us" together. But, I could only do so much. She is done. She has someone else and to tell you the truth. i am happy for her believe it or not. It kills me inside,but I do want to see her happy again. Now I have to make me Happy. that's another story. Later that night I heard her in our rm with the door closed talking to someone at 1 in the morn. I could of barged in,but decided to wait till she was done. She came out and I freaked. I felt like it was a slap in the face I told her knew about the other guy and I lost it. I got out all my anger and frustration off my chest. We went back and forth most of the night. It felt good to stand up for myself she told me she is looking for a different apartment as well and is taking the kids. I told her she could take them, I couldn't afford them plus I work at night. It would have never worked. To tell you the truth people. I feel a calming coming over me. I am REALLY hurt but saying what I had to say really felt good and now I can concentrate on me and start the process of moving on. In the morning we both decided to be amicable toward each other for the kids sake and we are both fine with it. So let the healing begin.
Jonesey Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 Please do not say things like that to her about the kids. You will need those kids and they will need you while this life event unfolds. She will also try and use those type of statements against you. Also, whether you can afford them or not, you will pay for them either way...trust me. Do what you have to do to share custody of the kids....... If you don't, you'll regret it later on down the road. Just my .02 Jonesey
Jonesey Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 It felt good to stand up for myself she told me she is looking for a different apartment as well and is taking the kids. I told her she could take them, I couldn't afford them plus I work at night. It would have never worked. Oh, I guess I misunderstood your post. Sorry about that...
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