dating grown women who were fatherless

[Star Gazer]

I think I knew in my gut I was "right" to fear being left again, because I also found myself only attracted to available men - either emotionally, geographically, or technically (with someone else). I also emotionally attached right away, most often through sex.

 

That should have read UNavailable men.

[dreamergrl]

I think I knew in my gut I was "right" to fear being left again, because I also found myself only attracted to available men - either emotionally, geographically, or technically (with someone else). I also emotionally attached right away, most often through sex. I longed to be loved by a man, so I tried to make men love me the only way I knew how: through sexual intimacy.

 

 

I was like this too - and there are times it creeps up on me.

[MusicChick24]

When my best friend from childhood was 3 her father died of cancer. She had very few memories of him. I don't believe it affected her very psycologically but she did always flounder with men and it could have something to do with it. She has trust issues, and then after her mom died when she was 12 she started to fear that everyone around her was going to go away fast causing her to latch on to everyone.

 

But as for the men she dated...she is a Caucasion female and began dating African American men in search for someone who would treat her correctly. She would tell me that Caucasion males didn't appreciate men like African Americans. She's been far more permiscuous in her life than I.

 

I on the other hand got to see my father...but at age 15 my parents seperated and I only got to see my dad once a year from then on. That was hard on me. I began to develop trust issues towards all men, figuring that I would find a guy just like my dad, and I didn't want to take that chance. Granted I love my dad, and I get to see him a little more now, but I don't want to date/marry a guy like my dad. My boyfriend of four years still sees the unsurity I have towards all men because of the sudden absence of my father.

 

If this goes for everyone I'm not sure. But there are two seperate examples.

[sally4sara]

I'll add my story just to be helpful and because I do not know my father, had an abusive step father, I was a stripper, and did spend sometime experimenting sexually.

 

Of the things I feel my life situation contributed to in a negative way:

 

I did go through a phase where I craved male validation. This really didn't happen so much till I did become a stripper. It was part of the job; being overtly sexy. I didn't take the job for this reason though. I took it because I wanted the money and a friend was making good money doing female reviews for an agency.

I was unusually violent, but I rarely felt comfortable hitting women. Most of my fighting was with men as the target. Fights with women were because they came at me physically and I was not willing to let them beat on me.

Because I never saw a man as a provider, I thought nothing weird of my husband (who I married at 19, for no reason I can think of other than he asked) and his inability to hold a job. Suddenly the stripper job I worked now and then to get by became more frequent so I could support us both. We had just started dating when I took the stripper job. We married 6 months later. I worked it for 2 1/2 years. He would try to make me feel low for working the job but he was content to live off the money I made and contribute nothing. I only threw that in his face when he would give me an attitude about the job. I quit finally and he still didn't work. We ruined my credit before he finally kept something you could call steady.

I feel I put up with all that because it never occurred to me to rely on a man for anything and I guess deep down, I didn't think I deserved better.

 

Stereotypes I did not fit into despite my life situation:

I only ever cheated once, on a high school boyfriend, by way of a guy friend kissing me the night I ran away from home. I was crying and he used it to his advantage.

I did experiment sexually though it wasn't with the intent to get any guy to like me. I was just curious. I never even fantasized that any guy I knew in my teens was going to be my future husband; it was simple curiousity.

I did not end up addicted to hard drugs or alcohol.

I was approached to pose for Playboy and Penthouse, but I didn't do it because my husband through a fit, not because I thought it was wrong. I also didn't feel a need for it either, but I hated passing up the money.

I have never ever, gone after another woman's love interest or huband.

I have never been into older men.

 

Things I think my life situation contributed to in a positive way:

Many of my friend experienced date rape and/or sexual assult, I did not. I never let myself be so vulnerable to strange men in secluded places. I did not go on solo dates unless I knew I wanted to have sex or the guy was someone I knew extremely well.

I did not think my "flower" would make a guy love me. I was not girly and vapid around men because daddy thought it was cute for me to act that way. I was not afraid of speaking my mind around men because daddy never warned me about how men wouldn't like it. I never thought I couldn't ask any guy I wanted out on a date. I never thought I had to wait for them to call. I never thought of myself in princess terms. I never thought I couldn't do something a man could do. I never thought having children for some guy was my place and purpose. I never thought of anything being a man' job or a woman's job.

 

I hope I was of some help.

[Quest]

One of my cousins grew up without her father - he abandoned the family when she was about eight. I grew up with a father but he was emotionally unavailable a lot of the time due to mental illness. When he was well he was great but the situation was unstable. Both me and my cousin have had a lot of issues with men, choosing players over stable, nice guys, and getting very anxious in relationships. I think it's not so much having a father that matters but what the general home background is like - stable and loving, one parent or both, or unstable and not very loving, one parent or both. Hope this is of some use.

[gypsy_nicky]

gypsy nicky, I hope that you're doing this due to a situation in your life and not a way to reinforce the negative stereotype, due to either traditionalism or misogyny. People are opening themselves up to you, to help YOU understand and make your decision.

 

I'm going to respond to you, as if you're being honest.

 

Don't look solely at how she was raised, look at what she's done and doing with any problems. Also, look to your own issues and how you're addressing them, as well. If the dynamics don't mesh well, don't proceed.

 

I don't fully understand what you just said. Can you explain this a bit more.

 

I'm diving into this because I see a very beautiful person in this woman. Although I've put my heart out to let her know I'm there, she is very polar. Very caring, then very distant.

 

As I've mentioned before, she's had a a variety of relationships-mostly screwed up ones. She told me at this stage in her life she's very picky with men and she doesn't know what she wants either. Hence, the jump from one man to the next and the string of casual affairs. She also has a lot of male "friends". Her last ex dumped her and left for another state because he claimed she was very distant.

[Woggle]

I would avoid women with daddy issues. If you look at most misandrists or women that treat men like garbage it usually stems from bad relationship or no relationship with their father. These women unless they do some serious work on themselves tend to be nearly incapable of having a healthy relationship with a man because they never saw one. If I were the OP I would run right now especially with the way you describe this woman. She will chew you up and spit you out.

[sally4sara]

I would avoid women with daddy issues. If you look at most misandrists or women that treat men like garbage it usually stems from bad relationship or no relationship with their father. These women unless they do some serious work on themselves tend to be nearly incapable of having a healthy relationship with a man because they never saw one. If I were the OP I would run right now especially with the way you describe this woman. She will chew you up and spit you out.

 

Not at all like you with your mommy issues, causing you to have the unhealthy relationship with your ex, that has lead to your irrational inability to see how misogynistic you are or how unhealthy it is for you to marry someone displaying none of the qualities you rage about while you sit up all night hatching contingency plans because you don't really think she is all that different.

 

 

Every post you contribute where you talk about women, I swear, sounds like you're talking about yourself.

[gypsy_nicky]

update: the relationship (have known her since last year of october) I have with this woman was always a "rubberband" one. She would get really close then back way off. I tried just letting things go (without pushing or coming on too hard) and she would eventually come back and get into this cycle again.

 

Well, she's gone now (she went off for a vacation, found out from common friends), after we've started to take things a lot more seriously. Haven't heard from her for a week. I must admit I am really hurt and pine for her. Although at first I tried contacting her, I think it would be best to hold back and see what happens.

 

 

Anyone care to lend some thought into this?

[Sam Spade]

This is one of the saddest threads around . Made me think too much of my ex, whose situation was growing up with a distant father *and* an extremely abusive mother :mad:.

 

The results were rehashed here: self-doubt, neediness, fear of abandonment, etc., etc., etc., The ultimate result was self-sabotage of a pretty decent relationship with Uncle Sam (while a dick in his own endearing right he didn't really give any credible reasons for a break up).

 

Another side effect of the screwed up upbringing and defacto fatherless situation is problems with accountability. I guess if there is no father around (even if he's physically there) to explain what's up you grow up being able to rationalize anything (typically along the lines "I felt so miserable, so whateer i did to make myself feel better is okay').

 

While each of these stories is pretty bad, people simly need to grow up and get over themselves. Pretty much any family is disfunctional in some way, so it's a shame to let this govern the rest ot people's effin lives. Naturally, the sooner these issues are figured out, the better. Nobody's getting any younger . I would say that if these issues are not clarified by the time one is around 30-35, eventually a more serious counselling intervention will be needed (or else a continued self-sabotage).

 

I also grew up without a father, and I'm pretty sure that this has affected me. But so what? Now I'm literally my own man . I'm sure one days my kids will be posting in a forum complaining how their father fas constantly in their grill telling them to shape up, but so what? I'm doing the best i can with what i have, and if they don't like it, they can tell everything about it to their counselor .

[Sam Spade]

I would avoid women with daddy issues. If you look at most misandrists or women that treat men like garbage it usually stems from bad relationship or no relationship with their father. These women unless they do some serious work on themselves tend to be nearly incapable of having a healthy relationship with a man because they never saw one. If I were the OP I would run right now especially with the way you describe this woman. She will chew you up and spit you out.

 

 

This is not necessarily the only manifestation of daddy issues. My current girlfriend also hasn't had a stable father figure in her life, but she's anything but bitter. She appreciates and looks up to a (supposedly ) strong man. She seems to be pretty mellow, kind, and sane. So her (mild) daddy issues and my paternalistic tendencies might just be the right mix, you never know.

[sally4sara]

Another side effect of the screwed up upbringing and defacto fatherless situation is problems with accountability. I guess if there is no father around (even if he's physically there) to explain what's up you grow up being able to rationalize anything (typically along the lines "I felt so miserable, so whateer i did to make myself feel better is okay').

 

While each of these stories is pretty bad, people simly need to grow up and get over themselves. Pretty much any family is disfunctional in some way, so it's a shame to let this govern the rest ot people's effin lives. Naturally, the sooner these issues are figured out, the better. Nobody's getting any younger . I would say that if these issues are not clarified by the time one is around 30-35, eventually a more serious counselling intervention will be needed (or else a continued self-sabotage).

 

I also grew up without a father, and I'm pretty sure that this has affected me. But so what? Now I'm literally my own man . I'm sure one days my kids will be posting in a forum complaining how their father fas constantly in their grill telling them to shape up, but so what? I'm doing the best i can with what i have, and if they don't like it, they can tell everything about it to their counselor .

 

I don't know how much of the accountability for one's action relies on a father in a child's life. Certainly most everyone goes through a phase of being irresponsible and not thinking about what their actions could cause. It is a mark of immaturity.

Then I think of some of the mistakes I watched my friends make when they had both parents not only in their life, but under one roof. I was often stunned that they seemed so incapable of doing things for themselves.

My ex for example. He had every advantage I had been aware of going without. His parents were still married; upper middle class. He had a sibling close in age that should have prevented the selfishness some only children exhibit. His father was the head of the house and his mother was very much the "cookies and keepsakes" kind of mom. She worked at least part time once the kids were both established in school. I was actually envious at first.

But they did everything for him! There was no yard work for allowance. He did not earn his first car. Part time job was seen as an interference to the much more important involvement in sports.

When we met, I had to show him how to do laundry, change a tire and oil for his car. He only knew how to work a microwave. Knew nothing of basic tools.....

Some bad tendencies have nothing to do with a lack of a father or a mother. Two girls and two guys I went to school with that lived on my street are all prime examples. All four families were intact and involved. One of the girls had a kid in high school. Both have been busted for hooking since graduation. One of the guys got his first assault charge in high school while being co-captain of the winning football team for our school. He ended up on house arrest his senior year. The other was captain/quarterback and a father with his GF dropped out and living in his parents basement.

Where was this lesson in accountability their fathers had to be around to teach them?

I think there are lessons fathers can give, but they are not lessons a mother cannot give nor are they always lessons one can benefit from. Screwed up people come in either gender and both have many opportunities to screw up their kids. About the only thing a parent can count on is that they will cause some sort of damage to any kid no matter what their intentions were. You can only hope to out weigh the bad with the good.

[Sam Spade]

I don't know how much of the accountability for one's action relies on a father in a child's life. Certainly most everyone goes through a phase of being irresponsible and not thinking about what their actions could cause. It is a mark of immaturity.

Then I think of some of the mistakes I watched my friends make when they had both parents not only in their life, but under one roof. I was often stunned that they seemed so incapable of doing things for themselves.

My ex for example. He had every advantage I had been aware of going without. His parents were still married; upper middle class. He had a sibling close in age that should have prevented the selfishness some only children exhibit. His father was the head of the house and his mother was very much the "cookies and keepsakes" kind of mom. She worked at least part time once the kids were both established in school. I was actually envious at first.

But they did everything for him! There was no yard work for allowance. He did not earn his first car. Part time job was seen as an interference to the much more important involvement in sports.

When we met, I had to show him how to do laundry, change a tire and oil for his car. He only knew how to work a microwave. Knew nothing of basic tools.....

Some bad tendencies have nothing to do with a lack of a father or a mother. Two girls and two guys I went to school with that lived on my street are all prime examples. All four families were intact and involved. One of the girls had a kid in high school. Both have been busted for hooking since graduation. One of the guys got his first assault charge in high school while being co-captain of the winning football team for our school. He ended up on house arrest his senior year. The other was captain/quarterback and a father with his GF dropped out and living in his parents basement.

Where was this lesson in accountability their fathers had to be around to teach them?

I think there are lessons fathers can give, but they are not lessons a mother cannot give nor are they always lessons one can benefit from. Screwed up people come in either gender and both have many opportunities to screw up their kids. About the only thing a parent can count on is that they will cause some sort of damage to any kid no matter what their intentions were. You can only hope to out weigh the bad with the good.

 

 

True, true, i guess no father or present but ****ty father leads to pretty much the same result .

The scenarios you describe quite honestly horrify me - the richest people in the world having trouble raising responsible, self-reliant adults. Permissive boomer parenting will ruin this country . people want to be "friends" with their children; satisfy their every whim; appease them; etc. . Although I'm at least a few years away from having kids, I've vowed that my kids won't 'like' me . They'll be pissed at me most of the time, (except during deserved vacation and leisure time ) but one day, at the age of 30-40 they'll sit back and recall that their old man wasn't so horrible after all (and will buy me a motorcycle) .

[Woggle]

This is not necessarily the only manifestation of daddy issues. My current girlfriend also hasn't had a stable father figure in her life, but she's anything but bitter. She appreciates and looks up to a (supposedly ) strong man. She seems to be pretty mellow, kind, and sane. So her (mild) daddy issues and my paternalistic tendencies might just be the right mix, you never know.

 

Some people can rise above the cirumstances they are dealt in life but many don't.

[Woggle]

Another thing is that many women who grew up fatherless also had mothers who poisoned their mind against men. These women chose to chase after scumbags eventually getting pregnant by one of them and now want to punish all men after they get burnt. They teach their daughters this men are no good mentality and they look at everything through this lens.

[Sam Spade]

Another thing is that many women who grew up fatherless also had mothers who poisoned their mind against men. These women chose to chase after scumbags eventually getting pregnant by one of them and now want to punish all men after they get burnt. They teach their daughters this men are no good mentality and they look at everything through this lens.

 

 

True as well. Speaking of my gf again, what explains the seemingly positive outcome is that her mother, although she had admittedly bad luck with men (divorced twice - once because of husband's heavy drug use and second time because of infidelity), seems to have given them every possible benefit of the doubt before divorcing. Good for me (and her daughter). (they're asian though, where respect is tilll taught in families...)

 

My ex however, had a horrible - and likely mentally ill - mother who was convinced that the father was a scumbag (while in reality his only fault was being an average guy who had tha bad luck to marry her). Hence, the feeling of inadequacy in my exgf and inability to form mature relationships. She was basically waiting for me to abandon her or cheat on her (sic!).

[Athena]

Her father died early.

My father died when I was nine years old. I have read studies that show that children who grow up in a divorced family do not do as well as that of two- parent families, however in cases where the father died, the kids did almost as well as the healthier kids from two-parent families!

 

I think this is true.

[Athena]

Another thing is that many women who grew up fatherless also had mothers who poisoned their mind against men. These women chose to chase after scumbags eventually getting pregnant by one of them and now want to punish all men after they get burnt. They teach their daughters this men are no good mentality and they look at everything through this lens.

 

Ha ha, my mother did the opposite -- she comes from a culture that highly values men... so she taught us to serve and look after our brothers...

 

My thing was to be athletic and to be better than most at running, swimming, sports etc... my mom told me in all seriousness when I was a teen, that I would never get married if I didn't let the boys beat me! ha

[Athena]

sorry to bring this thread up again but may I request responses from women or men that dated women, who grew up fatherless due to death of their fathers.

 

Currently in a situation right now with a woman.

 

 

Growing up without a father after age 9, made me cautious about 'picking' a man (not at all sexually permissive, but the opposite). But once I am with a man, I am fiercely loyal to him.

[Woggle]

My ex however, had a horrible - and likely mentally ill - mother who was convinced that the father was a scumbag (while in reality his only fault was being an average guy who had tha bad luck to marry her). Hence, the feeling of inadequacy in my exgf and inability to form mature relationships. She was basically waiting for me to abandon her or cheat on her (sic!).

 

My ex-mother in law was very like this. She encouraged her daughter to never trust and to cheat because she so sure I was cheating. She never liked me or any other man her daughter was involved with and in her mind it is my fault that her daughter is so screwed up. I have been divorced from her since 2003 yet her mother still blames me for everything. I think that is where she got her complete lack of accountability.

 

Her mother was one of those women that married a good but spineless guy and drove him out because she treated him like garbage. It's funny though how her sister turned out nothing like her and is a successful woman with a great career and a great marriage so can rise above what they grew up with. She pulled me aside a few days before the wedding and asked me if I really wanted to go through with it. I should have listened to her.