About to get dumped, how should I handle it? what should/shouldn't say? i'm a guy

[ten0eight]

quick story: started seeing this girl back in january. we live 20 miles away so we only see each other once or twice a week, although the last month she hasn't come over to my area and we've been quite distant the past few days. she's been real busy for school recently too. we would text/talk a lot every day but the last three days we've made little contact. the kicker that makes me think she's going to drop me is that she's having a sorority formal (dance/party) this saturday near my place and 1. she didn't ask me to go, didn't even tell me about it and 2. i heard from my bro she invited some other guy... -_-

 

well being the realist that i am, i figured things won't work out anyways, she lives too far. she's too into her sorority and career. at the beginning back in february she told me that she's not looking for a relationship or dating and i was aware of that. even knowing that, i still developed feelings for her.

 

so sometime this week, things are going to change and i want to know how i should handle it. should i "break up" with her first or let her do it? should i ask why things dind't work out? who's the other guy?

 

basically, what should i talk/ask about and what should'NT i talk/ask about?

[robinincarolina]

Accept the breakup. Don't ask anything much. I know this is hard, but think about anytime you have lost interest in someone and they begged or pleaded, it just pushed you further away. Let her know you care, but let her know you respect her enough to let her go. This will speak volumes. You want her to remember your last conversation as positive. She will be thinking wow, he is not like other guys.

 

I too knew a break up was coming and although I am female and lord knows we think so differently as men and women. I did what I am telling you to do. Then I just shut down. 3 weeks later he was on my doorstep and things are better and stronger than before. I gave him his space. Its worth a shot if you really like her.

[ten0eight]

i've accepted it. i just want to learn how to accept my feelings haha. the last time i got dumped, i pleaded like a wimp and cried alone -_- that was 4 years ago lol, now i'm more mature but i still let my emotions get to me. the thing is i'm taking this way more seriously than she is. she does'nt even acknowledge us as dating. so for this to end, it'll be just like cake for her. i don't expect us to get back together anyways.

[JustLooking123]

She invited another man to her formal? I'd beat her to the punch and break up with her.

[lora22]

I like Robin's advice; however, I'm not sure it's the best for this situation as you presented it. Since this girl told you up front she wasn't interested in a relationship, or even dating, she's taking someone else to her formal, and so on, I wouldn't even bother "breaking up" with her. It sounds like she doesn't consider you to be anything more than a friend or something along those lines. To be honest, I doubt that she's even planning on "breaking up" with you - why should she - you're not in a relationship, or dating. I think that probably she's just not going to contact you anymore if she doesn't want to see you/talk to you anymore. If I were you I would just stop talking to her and find someone that does want to be with you.

[Ronni_W]

Ten,

If this is "GIRL A" from your other thread, you have NOT "been seeing" her! She never agreed to be in a romantic relationship with you. You can't "break up" with her, and she can't "break up" with you.

 

I get that you have deeper feelings for her than she has for you. But how to deal with "unrequited love" is without dragging the 'object of your affection' into the real-life drama (loss, pain & suffering) of it -- that really has absolutely nothing to do with her.

 

If you start talking to her about "what went wrong between us" and acting all "jealous ex-boyfriend", you risk coming across like a tool or a nutjob.

Worse, you're gonna end up with lowered self-esteem and self-confidence (when you start seeing your own actions as toolish and nutjobish.)

 

Save yourself the agony! It sucks enough, as it is. No need to make it any harder on yourself. I strongly urge you to use your OTHER friends, and LS, to heal from your unrequited love...do not take your confusion and suffering back to her. Save yourself the agony!

 

Sending hugs, and good vibes for a quick and complete healing.

[ten0eight]

Ronni, yes this is GIRL A from the other thread.

 

i really do what closure on this, to KNOW for sure that it's over. i don't just want to let things fade and us talk about it. it's really ****ed up that she's even doing this, this is a side of her that i've NEVER known and thought she'd be capable of.

 

i just feel that if i let things fade away, we'll end up on bad terms but i'll ffeel like i have a hand in the breaking up and make it a LITTLE hard for her. however if i talk about it, i'll show up as the needy one one and she'll be like "well that was easy, he broke us up for me".

[Ronni_W]

Ten,

I so totally feel for you.

The thing is that she has invited SOMEONE ELSE to be her date at her Formal. That is your "closure", isn't it? It is HARD EVIDENCE that "it" is over, yes?

 

I mean. If you insist that there is something to BE "over", this is still your evidence that it is over. She really isn't doing anything to you, or against you. I mean. I know that it FEELS as if she is, but that's only because of your faulty belief that you've been in a real-life relationship with her. But the whole "relationship" has only been happening in your own head.

Ack! I hate to even have to say stuff like that.

 

So...you know what?

 

Do what YOU have to do and what you feel is appropriate for your own healing and "moving on". In any case, it's ALWAYS gonna be that your own 'Inner Wisdom' knows what is best for your own growth and learning.

 

Wishing you good luck with it!

[Star Gazer]

I agree with Ronni. Sorry.

 

Also, FWIW... I also live/work 20 miles away from my BF. That doesn't stop us from spending a LOT, and I mean a LOT, of time together.

[ten0eight]

this caught me off guard sooooo bad... the only reason we never called it a relationship the last few months was because she was busy with school and sorority, and i looked forward to summer time as an opportunity to be something more. now way too much. this is horrible, sad, and pathetic that i've been fooled once again... -_-

 

i've been in this position before, and ignored everyone's advice. i think i'll try it differently this time around, thanks for the advice everyone

 

i think i'm going to start another thread, "just got dumped, should i find a rebound?" haha

 

 

i'm listening to this song now: Main Ingredient - Everybody Plays the Fool

feeling a little better

[Star Gazer]

the only reason we never called it a relationship the last few months was because she was busy with school and sorority

 

This is going to hurt, but the above statement isn't true. You weren't in a relationship with her because SHE didn't want to be in one with you.

[robinincarolina]

Main Ingredient? Most people don't even know they were the ones who sang that song! Good for you. We all play the fool at some point in your lives.