I'm attracted to another man, not sure which way to go.

[hendersongirl]

All I know is that the current situation is worse than either of the actions I could take - so the longer I am in this position the worse!! But I can't figure out what to do!

 

Ok, I am in a long term relationship, we love each other, have the occasional argument but generally are very good together. We live together, have discussed the future together, have a great time together. He is my best friend.

 

He cheated on me a while back, well, not really cheated but crossed lines - read my other posts. All of that is totally over now. But, admittedly, it still pops into my mind every so often, and it dims my opinion of him. This is bad, maybe, or realistic, I don't know. Point is, my relationship is not PERFECT but it is wonderful, and getting better all the time.

 

Now to the problem. I am attracted to another man. Initially I thought it was a passing crush but it seems to be getting stronger. It won't go away. I really really like this guy. I find him irresistably attractive, even though he is slightly chubby and not like, model material or anything. When I'm not with my boyfriend, I make a resolve to break up with him, but then when we are together I remember how much I love him and forget the other guy entirely.

 

Another problem - the other guy is a student of mine. I'm a tutor at university - I'm only 21 though, and he is the same age. The course ends next week, so soon we won't have that relationship any more. He has my phone number - from early in the course when it was just for business - just questions about essays and things. He has text me just for a chat since then though. He also seems to smile at me in class in a way which suggests deeper meaning - it's a subtle thing, but real. So there are hints he likes me but I'm not sure if he likes me too. However, this is not important to me really because I don't want the reason I stay with my boyfriend to only be because this other guy didn't want me. I think the fact that I feel this way is bad enough.

 

It's just that, it seems like such a huge thing to just throw away. Imagine we were married. We, for all intents and purposes, are. Without the vows. We have made promises to each other about being together forever. Maybe what I'm feeling is just a passing random thought - nothing to it and I'm making it into something bigger. Nothing inappropriate in the least has happened between us, unless you count the friendly conversation we had via text about The Matrix. Although, I did feel guilty about that, and deleted all the messages so my boyfriend wouldn't find them. That's a bad sign.

 

Argh. Is what I'm doing (fantasizing) wrong? How wrong? Should I forget about him - after next week I won't have to see him again. If he texts I could ignore him. But what if the new guy and I really do have a good chance of being happy together - fantasies obviously but it would be nice to start with a clean slate with no hurt to get over. Or is this all actually a deeper sign that I am not happy in my relationship, regardless of whether this guy and me would ever work out?

[amaysngrace]

I think it's your gut trying to lead you out of your current relationship with your boyfriend. He cheated on you and he disrespected you and your relationship by doing so and deep down you probably can't live with this knowledge.

 

So subconsciously you are looking for a way out.

[hendersongirl]

You know, I think you might be right... But I HOPE you aren't. Why would I feel such strong love and devotion towards him still?

[amaysngrace]

Why would I feel such strong love and devotion towards him still?

 

I don't know....you tell me....

[hendersongirl]

Also I dread actually doing it. He will beg and cry. New places to live will have to be found and stuff moved. Plus I might be going overseas next year (the plan was with him) but maybe I should just hold it out until then - see how things unfold?

[lkjh]

I think it's your gut trying to lead you out of your current relationship with your boyfriend. He cheated on you and he disrespected you and your relationship by doing so and deep down you probably can't live with this knowledge.

 

So subconsciously you are looking for a way out.

 

I disagree with this. Not everything has some hidden meaning.

 

People will get crushes on other people and it is important to handle it in a appropriate way. first figure out if you want to stay with your bf. If the answer is no then break up with him and stay away from the other guy. Don't become the girl that jumps from guy to guy while in a relationship.

 

If the answer is yes then avoid the other guy. If he text you then give a short response and show no interest in him. Make sure your responses are not open to conversation. In the future if you get a crush on someone while in a relationship, do not become "friends" with them. Just keep your relationship professional.

[amaysngrace]

Cheating is a big dealbreaker for lots of people. Even those who are married walk away if this were to ever happen so you're certainly not wrong for harboring pain over it.

 

How important is this relationship with your BF? Is it worth it to forgive and forget? Or will it continue to eat you up inside?

[hendersongirl]

Thanks lkjh,

You are right - it isn't really about this guy is it?

But there is the niggling thought... What if it IS about this guy? What if he IS perfect for me? I'm a hopeless romantic, at heart.

[hendersongirl]

Cheating is a big dealbreaker for lots of people. Even those who are married walk away if this were to ever happen so you're certainly not wrong for harboring pain over it.

 

How important is this relationship with your BF? Is it worth it to forgive and forget? Or will it continue to eat you up inside?

 

Well it seems to be getting weaker - I've stopped obsessively checking his email. I guess it's turned into pity. I don't really know. My feelings on it change still - reasonably all over the place. But yeah, part of this is definitely the consideration that these resentments aren't going away fully like I thought they would when he started behaving himself. But now he really is making a concerted effort - it seems so mean.

[amaysngrace]

Well he made a mistake. It's a big one because it hits you on a personal level and it shatters the trust you once had.

 

When did he cheat? Was it early in the relationship or were you both in deep commitment to each other?

 

Personally I don't think I could get past it. But that's me.

[hendersongirl]

Well he made a mistake. It's a big one because it hits you on a personal level and it shatters the trust you once had.

 

When did he cheat? Was it early in the relationship or were you both in deep commitment to each other?

 

Personally I don't think I could get past it. But that's me.

 

He never actually slept with anyone. 6 months into the relationship he went to the movies with a girl and kissed her. Then he came clean, apologised passionately, offered to leave the city (?!). If that happened to me now (being much wiser) I would break up with them. But at the time I was so infatuated that I stayed. He kept in touch with her without my knowledge but they didn't cross the line again, until 7 months later when he went to her birthday party (I was out of town) and I had a dream about it. I questioned him, he came clean again and broke down blah di blah. Again, if that happened now - I'd be gone. But again, I loved him and thought that love could conquer all.

 

Unfortunately there was more. He kept in touch with his ex girlfriend (in another country so nothing physically to worry about), I knew they were still friends and it didn't bother me. Until I found (through snooping after becoming paranoid about the last girl) he had webcammed with her naked (this is now 1.5 years in, and definitely committed). And there was awful stuff said between them - I remember how tight you are, I miss you etc. That really was almost it. I actually locked him out, was packing my things. Stupidly I let him in after some pleading, he sobbed and begged and promised to delete her from his msn etc. He did, and since then nothing major has happened. I have found a couple of times the two of them keeping in touch - but now it is perfectly clear that NO CONTACT is allowed (I hate to be that girlfriend - the bossy controlling one, but I thought in this case it was justified). He is much better. He was clinically depressed and very stressed with study (not excuses, I know, but I know everyone is human and makes mistakes and I genuinely have forgiven. Forgetting is another story.)

 

Long-winded, I apologize.

[hendersongirl]

Going home now, but I would love to hear anyone's thoughts and I will reply in the morning (my time).

[lkjh]

Look I am going to get bashed for this but hopless romantics are pathetic. I am not calling you pathetic and I don't mean to be cruel. But lets be honest there isn't one guy designated by the stars that you are meant to be with. In real life relationships are hard work. You have to think of the big picture and not the short term. If you want to marry and have children with your bf then you need to learn to avoid temptation. This will not be the last time. Learn to avoid "friendships" with guys that are not real friendships.

 

Also, I didn't feel like going through all of your old post so can you put up your back story?

 

good luck

[lkjh]

ok after reading it you may want to think if this is the guy you want to spend your life with. You need to learn to stick to your guns. If he violates your relationship then don't back down. Make him work for you

[amaysngrace]

He is a habitual cheater and liar.

 

Yeah love is a great thing but by doing this he isn't showing you love. Anything but. He is selfish and you are giving. Almost to a fault.

 

Stop giving to him and give it back to yourself. Because if you give him love and he gives him love then who gives you love?

[hendersongirl]

Yeah I know it looks really bad when all written down in one place like that. And I sound like a doormat, probably. I'm not really. I probably was at first, I admit. But I am stronger now - maybe this new guy is the result of my independence.

He really does put in effort now, though. More than me, probably. He tells me every day that he loves me. He cuddles and kisses and snuggles and does little things for me. He can cheer me up after anything, he can make me laugh without fail... I don't want this relationship to be lost. We are best friends. Best friends stick through things.

So why do I want to be in the arms of this other guy? This has never happened to me before, by the way. Whenever I am in love, I have eyes only for that person. Unconditionally. When I fall out of love, it has been obvious.

[amaysngrace]

I think everything you're feeling is exactly what you feel when you are undecided.

[lkjh]

Love changes. It get old and different, you will develop crushes. Only you can decide what you want to do with your bf but this thing you are feeling is normal. Just keep your distance from this guy

[hendersongirl]

Thanks guys.

Last night, on my way home, I was thinking 'I'll just wait this out a bit and see how it pans out, hopefully my feelings will become clearer to me' I had just thought 'I hope something happens to give me a sign' and immediately I heard my name being called and it was the new guy. He walked the rest of the way home with me on the way to his place. Later we texted for hours - I told him my dilemma and he told me he had major feelings towards me too and said all these things which i realised my boyfriend has never said to me, like 'you are amazing' and 'i love the way you talk and the way you think, i cant take my eyes off you.'

So, armed with confidence, I have resolved to break up with him. Me and the guy are going to wait until this course is properly over and my boyfriend and i are properly over, then give it a try. I think the break up will be for the best though even if things dont work out with this guy. I feel a bit sad - he knows me so well and that is a wonderful feeling. But not enough to go through life not trusting him.

Thanks again for your comments and advice.

Hopefully you wont see me on here later going "ohhh I regret breaking up with my ex"

[lkjh]

Well you are leaving your bf for another man so stick to it. Don't go back to your bf later, once its over its over. At the very least be honest with your bf. Take the high road and let him know why are leaving. Let him know that he messed up and another guy is showing you what you want.

 

lastly, don't become a rebound girl. If you want to date this new guy, do it right. To often I see girls letting themselves go after something like this

[hendersongirl]

I don't want to be a rebound girl. I am concerned about this. But I don't think I am, because there has been a lot of resentment for the last two years, really. And almost zero trust. I think what I needed was a kick to motivate me to take action, I was lazily staying in the relationship. Yes, he is nice to me now, but really it doesn't make up for the pain which I still feel.

He doesn't trust me either, which is through nothing I have done.

I've told the guy we will be waiting until things are properly over. I hope I have the self-control. But I am under no misapprehension that everything will be perfect now. I barely know this guy - chances are it wont work out. If thats the case, then I will be single.

Either way, it will be better than how it is now.