Spark1111 Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Aren't the triggers horrible? Christmas: We have a family holiday of making a special cookie. A tradition sentimental to his grandmother, a seamstress who supported her children but found time to make this special and intricate holiday cookie. It takes 11 of us, working for hours to do what one grandmother did the week before Christmas. It was always hosted at our house. When i discovered he took her away for her birthday on a supposed business trip the week before, I stopped hosting this holiday with his family. Can't do it any more. Too painful. Memorial day: Attended barbecues alone because he was again away for "business." Found out he was hold up with her at two different hotels and one great food and music place we use to frequent. Visited OUR SON on a parents weekend at college and he could not join me because he had business to attend to. He was at two different hotels with her. I mean he and his son adored each other but he couldn.t attend? He couldn't be with me for one weekend to see the son he adored? How could anyone who loves this man, OW or BS, have endorsed or supported this idea? How could she have thought this mwas in HIS best interests? There was never a day, a holiday, a family vacation, a wonderful memory, in two years, not tainted by the affair. BS reconciling, anyone, how do you deal with this and stay sane? How do you erase these memories? How do you go forward without drowning in sadness? When these holidays hit and thoughts are triggered, I fantasize about getting away from it all by joining an ashram in India and seeking divinity and peace. The holidays are terrible now. Any thoughts on overcoming this?
jwi71 Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Aren't the triggers horrible? Christmas: We have a family holiday of making a special cookie. A tradition sentimental to his grandmother, a seamstress who supported her children but found time to make this special and intricate holiday cookie. It takes 11 of us, working for hours to do what one grandmother did the week before Christmas. It was always hosted at our house. When i discovered he took her away for her birthday on a supposed business trip the week before, I stopped hosting this holiday with his family. Can't do it any more. Too painful. Memorial day: Attended barbecues alone because he was again away for "business." Found out he was hold up with her at two different hotels and one great food and music place we use to frequent. Visited OUR SON on a parents weekend at college and he could not join me because he had business to attend to. He was at two different hotels with her. I mean he and his son adored each other but he couldn.t attend? He couldn't be with me for one weekend to see the son he adored? How could anyone who loves this man, OW or BS, have endorsed or supported this idea? How could she have thought this mwas in HIS best interests? There was never a day, a holiday, a family vacation, a wonderful memory, in two years, not tainted by the affair. BS reconciling, anyone, how do you deal with this and stay sane? How do you erase these memories? How do you go forward without drowning in sadness? When these holidays hit and thoughts are triggered, I fantasize about getting away from it all by joining an ashram in India and seeking divinity and peace. The holidays are terrible now. Any thoughts on overcoming this? People in the throes of an A lose all concept of anything that doesn't involve the OM/OW. My W skipped out on our daughters 5th birthday to shag her OM. Yeah...its that bad with these WS's. How to recover? TALK. Talk to your H, talk to your IC, talk to your MC, talk to your friends, talk to your family...TALK. Ask yourself WHY these events/holidays feel tainted. How does the OW (or the A) still hold this power over you? Why can't you let go? CAN you let go? Perhaps some time away would do some good...time just for YOU.
sugarmomma Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Usually its the OW that is having problems with the holidays. I read some of your posts and my heart goes out to you. I would bet 10 cent to a dollar if the forbiddeness was gone for them (i.e. you kicking his azz to the curb) she may not even want him. Alot of what keeps an affair going is the fact that is is so forbidden. It really is an adrenaline rush that Ino longer want any part of. He is showing her that by spending the holidays with her that she is number one. You are the wife and maybe you need to remind him of that and not verbally.
Reggie Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Many peole, most, in fact , do not get over this. It is easier if you divorce , as the constant reminders are less frequent. If you elect to stay in the marriage, I think, sadly, a lot of the joy goes out of these occassions. The only thing I can suggest is a lobotomy. It is truly wretched what these affairs do to people.
White Flower Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Spark, I am sorry you have these holidays as reminders. I went through it when my exH cheated and I'm not tooting my horn here, but I never insisted seeing exMM on any holidays. I still don't know how I could sleep with her H yet feel so careful about not ruining certain events and holidays for her but I did. Maybe it all worked into my plan of never wanting to take him away from her, I don't know. Back on point, I think you WILL get over all of this as each new holiday brings a NEW memory. Does your H know how each holiday memory hurts you? Tell him, and try to get him to create new and better memories for you from here on out. If he wanted to keep you and rebuild his M with you then he is going to have to do the work to make things better for you. Getting him back was only half of the plan; making it good again is the other half. Time will make this better.
Author Spark1111 Posted May 26, 2009 Author Posted May 26, 2009 Thank you all. There really is no quick fix, is there? Reggie, divorce and lobotomy is always an option, though instead of lobotomy, I was thinking more along the lines of filling my head with Divine spirit in the form of meditation via Indian Ashram....really! But I think I still need my day job! LOL! White Flower: Every word you write pours the kindness and consideration that exists in your soul. Jeez.....why couldn't he have had his affair with you????? LOL! Yep, Sugar, exposure killed it for him, not so much her. She waited in the wings awhile trying to see if he was coming back. And a big part of her personna, was "poor me, I never had nothing," so yes, as her knight in shining armor, that was a big part of their relationship, being "there" for her. jwi-- His pain and confusion is soooo great, he does not remember all of these transgressions, the timetable of events and why he made the decisions he made at the time. Just felt entitled to be happy, and her praise and admiration made him happy at that time, I guess. We didn't recognize him, the changes were so great. Now, when he looks back, he doesn't recognize himself. Talking has been extremely difficult for him. It continues to be a problem we work on in counseling. So, what do I do for the 4th of July?????
confusedinkansas Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 I know that by saying this I"m going to meld your two threads together - BUT.... It seems to me that you are truly NOT over this. You want to call the other woman, holidays bother you... I realize that it takes time to "recover" But didn't you choose to stay in the marriage? I'm sorry that holidays bother you - Do they bother your husband as well? Because I'm guessing that if you bring them up to him, he is remembering what he was doing at that time. It kind of keeps the affair in the foreground for him as well. Is that fair? to either of you? Are you REALLY sure want to stay in the marriage? AND, if the answer is YES....Are they for the right reasons? Being a martyr & making your husband re-live over & over again what happened....I'm going to say isn't a RIGHT reason.
Reggie Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Spark, I think the meditation idea is actually very good. Your reality and marriage has been forever changed. Does not mean you cannot enjoy things, but it takes time.
silktricks Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 There is no quick fix. Talk (and more talk, and yet more talk) is the best way to noodle your way through. It's hard, though. You're still "fresh" in the pain of it, though I'm sure you think it's gone on forEVER. Two years is supposed to be about normal, but for me it took between three and four years before I could be "normal" about normal stuff. Don't let the situation ruin important things for you. It may seem like giving up things that remind you of bad times make it better, but it doesn't - not in the long run, because then you have curtailed your life and that will only increase your anger at what happened. My H took the OW to my very favorite place, lots of childhood memories and adult memories too. To top it off, he took her there on my birthday. When he told me about what he did, I went there by myself. He kept saying that I couldn't let her take it away from me, or change it for me. Though a couple times he said maybe it was too much and I shouldn't do it anymore (mostly because he had to deal with my overwrought emotions everytime we went), but we went there OFTEN. Finally, though, I don't walk there and imagine the two of them together, we've reclaimed it for me and for him. She's not in the picture. Don't give up pieces of your life because they remind you of pain. It's not worth it.
Author Spark1111 Posted May 26, 2009 Author Posted May 26, 2009 There is no quick fix. Talk (and more talk, and yet more talk) is the best way to noodle your way through. It's hard, though. You're still "fresh" in the pain of it, though I'm sure you think it's gone on forEVER. Two years is supposed to be about normal, but for me it took between three and four years before I could be "normal" about normal stuff. Don't let the situation ruin important things for you. It may seem like giving up things that remind you of bad times make it better, but it doesn't - not in the long run, because then you have curtailed your life and that will only increase your anger at what happened. My H took the OW to my very favorite place, lots of childhood memories and adult memories too. To top it off, he took her there on my birthday. When he told me about what he did, I went there by myself. He kept saying that I couldn't let her take it away from me, or change it for me. Though a couple times he said maybe it was too much and I shouldn't do it anymore (mostly because he had to deal with my overwrought emotions everytime we went), but we went there OFTEN. Finally, though, I don't walk there and imagine the two of them together, we've reclaimed it for me and for him. She's not in the picture. Don't give up pieces of your life because they remind you of pain. It's not worth it. Silktricks, I think we experienced a similiar type off affair in that it had a "revenge" factor to it. Those affairs are less about turning towards a new person, but in trying to hurt your spouse because in the twists of depression, the WS is angry when they percieve you do not love them enough. Relates to childhood, supposedly. Much, much harder to overcome. I am with you on this one. I know it takes time, but I can't go back to the old relationship because she's in it. And yes, I am reclaiming my life everyday with help and support. I heard it takes 2.5 years to stop being angry and sad all the time, 4 to 5 to really overcome it. Hell, I'm early on many things, and proud of it.
Author Spark1111 Posted May 26, 2009 Author Posted May 26, 2009 I know that by saying this I"m going to meld your two threads together - BUT.... It seems to me that you are truly NOT over this. You want to call the other woman, holidays bother you... I realize that it takes time to "recover" But didn't you choose to stay in the marriage? I'm sorry that holidays bother you - Do they bother your husband as well? Because I'm guessing that if you bring them up to him, he is remembering what he was doing at that time. It kind of keeps the affair in the foreground for him as well. Is that fair? to either of you? Are you REALLY sure want to stay in the marriage? AND, if the answer is YES....Are they for the right reasons? a martyr & making your husband re-live over & over again what happened....I'm going to say isn't a RIGHT reason. CIK, who the hell knows? Most days, I want to be married to him. Other days, no way. It's my process and I am trying very hard to work it. I don't NEED to be married to him, but I am willing to work at this because I truly do love him. Always have. Yes, some days I do feel martyred. And I do want him to re-live my pain with me. He was always my best friend. If I can't share my pain with him, should I call a girlfriend? Talk to the postman? Sorry he was the one to intentionally cause it, but I had no control over that. I care less that he developed feelings for someone else, than that he lied to my face everyday for almost two years. Man-up, separate, and we could have gone to counseling. Would I have been hurt? Well, of course. But I and my children would have repected his truthfulness so much more. I mean, I don't know what your counselor told you, but why all the hostility? What is your story?
Author Spark1111 Posted May 26, 2009 Author Posted May 26, 2009 Spark, I think the meditation idea is actually very good. Your reality and marriage has been forever changed. Does not mean you cannot enjoy things, but it takes time. I do need to devolop greater spirituality to heal from this, Reggie. I overcame a problematic childhood by being a resourceful overachiever. My God was always the one who helped those who helped themselves. Somehow, that wasn't enough in this situation, one I didn't cause and could not control. And I hate being out of control, but that's where I reside some days. How long did it take for you to feel happiness, or let's say, to not feel triggered? My counselor has advised me to be kind and patient with myself during attempts to reconcile because he feels it takes so much more courage than walking away.....if you truly want to be someday again HAPPY in a relationship with a WS. I am striving for happy, not mediocre.
2sure Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Spark - For awhile after my H cheated, I did the same thing you are doing. It has been more than 2 years now and sometimes certain days, dates, ring a bell - but I dont let myself dwell on them. With time this has gotten easier. First - recognize the fact that not being with your H on Memorial Day is not like, well Christmas . You are taking a Federal Holiday and making it much more sentimental/romantic than I bet you ever did before! But thats not really the point anyway - To your H, the dates meant/mean NOTHING. I would bet money that when Memorial Day rolls around he is thinking of BBQ, not OW. The day was just a convenient time for him to get away to see her. And thats what hurts...but the DAY? No, because it could simply have been Tuesday. Why not harbor dreadful thoughts specifically for every Tuesday? See what I mean? Yes, he betrayed you. You and your marriage and your family. Whether you want to forgive him or not only you know for sure (or are still deciding?). Either way, to forgive him and /or to begin healing yourself - you have to get rid of this stuff. And only you can , because this is something you are doing to yourself. Don't make yourself a new victim every Tuesday.
soserious1 Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 If you've decided to try to repair the marriage, to make a new start, it would seem sensible that the holidays would also need to be recreated. Scrap the old traditions, they belong to another place, another time and to a marriage that doesn't exist anymore. Make building new holiday traditions together part of recovery.
jwi71 Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 jwi-- His pain and confusion is soooo great, he does not remember all of these transgressions, the timetable of events and why he made the decisions he made at the time. Just felt entitled to be happy, and her praise and admiration made him happy at that time, I guess. We didn't recognize him, the changes were so great. Now, when he looks back, he doesn't recognize himself. Talking has been extremely difficult for him. It continues to be a problem we work on in counseling. Oh where oh where have I heard that before? Maybe your H is talking to my stbxw ? I understand about the holidays, the nagging questions and that "unknown". I lived it too. Never quite sure if the WS truly doesn't remember or simply wants to stop talking about it. Which makes you wonder why your WS isn't talking about it...how is this open and honest communication? What is she/he hiding NOW? Not pretty. And oddly enough, the only way to move past it is to talk to your H. Get him to open up. Get him to talk about it. And do you know what that means? Make him feel safe. And to me, it means YOU are doing all of the heavy lifting in the recovery. Still. Now, its almost taken for granted that the BS has to drag the "greiving" WS from A fog into reality. But at some point it HAS to end. AT some point the WS has to man-up (woman-up) and start carrying their share of the mess they make. And it doesn't sound like he is. Being open and honest is all great...but is it enough for you? You STILL carry a burden. One he isn't hepling with. To me, it sounds like he is in "lets just forget about" mode. Great for him...sucks for you. So...you either carry the burden, try and make him feel safe enough to open up - or you drop it. And that can mean either you accept you will NEVER have the answers you seek or, in my case, D. I am sorry you STILL go through this. I wish I had an answer, or at least one I had confidence in. Try and talk, make him feel safe and trudge on some more.
NoIDidn't Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 If you've decided to try to repair the marriage, to make a new start, it would seem sensible that the holidays would also need to be recreated. Scrap the old traditions, they belong to another place, another time and to a marriage that doesn't exist anymore. Make building new holiday traditions together part of recovery. This is what I was going to say. Create new traditions. Do something different. Don't let grieve ruin your life and marriage. When a person gets injured in a car accident, they have to go through a recovery. They relearn some things. They learn how to do some other things in a new way made necessary because of the accident. But they don't get to wallow on what they can't do or how they used to do some thing. Doing that impedes recovery.
delajoonal Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 another member and i were just discussing this very issue...mine, i have always wanted to do New York at Christmas..the whole Rockafeller Center things...the big tree, shopping, etc...it never came to fruition....so now this year, this christmas will be the first in 14 years without my stbxh...so off to NY for the holidays...i am already saving $$$...i mean you gotta do it right..right, Park Avenue, etc..lol... this will be a fabulous christmas...a new tradition, a new life...i am heart broken and destroyed right now...but that holiday coming up is keeping me going..i just think about it everyday..and how much fun it wll be...HEY, maybe i will even move there..i mean really, what the hell is keeping me here..LOL...like Gunny says, get busy living or get busy dying...i am gonna live it up in NY this christmas!!!! any other ideas from any other members???
White Flower Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 White Flower: Every word you write pours the kindness and consideration that exists in your soul. Jeez.....why couldn't he have had his affair with you????? LOL! And if I were I would have returned your phone call, invited you over for coffee, and we would have giggled about the moles on your H's azz! Just kidding about the azz part. I remember discovering my dad's AP. I kept thinking, 'why couldn't it have been her mother, they're best friends anyway and she's so darn charismatic!' Hmm, the 4th of July. What do you usually do? Try picnicking in a different area and watching fireworks there. Whatever you do, it will be one holiday closer to your healing. Hugs, WF.
confusedinkansas Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 I mean, I don't know what your counselor told you, but why all the hostility? What is your story? Between the two threads you have here - It just seems to me that you are looking for ways to punish yourself. (or your husband, I"m not sure which) That's why I asked about you keeping the affair in the foreground of your life & of your husbands life. That's all. I try not to be 'hostile' here. I'm the one that started the thread about "Notice A Pattern"....of people bashing each other in here & being just downright mean. So, I apologize if that's how you read what I had typed.
Author Spark1111 Posted May 27, 2009 Author Posted May 27, 2009 Spark - For awhile after my H cheated, I did the same thing you are doing. It has been more than 2 years now and sometimes certain days, dates, ring a bell - but I dont let myself dwell on them. With time this has gotten easier. First - recognize the fact that not being with your H on Memorial Day is not like, well Christmas . You are taking a Federal Holiday and making it much more sentimental/romantic than I bet you ever did before! But thats not really the point anyway - To your H, the dates meant/mean NOTHING. I would bet money that when Memorial Day rolls around he is thinking of BBQ, not OW. The day was just a convenient time for him to get away to see her. And thats what hurts...but the DAY? No, because it could simply have been Tuesday. Why not harbor dreadful thoughts specifically for every Tuesday? See what I mean? Yes, he betrayed you. You and your marriage and your family. Whether you want to forgive him or not only you know for sure (or are still deciding?). Either way, to forgive him and /or to begin healing yourself - you have to get rid of this stuff. And only you can , because this is something you are doing to yourself. Don't make yourself a new victim every Tuesday. 2sure, good point, good advice. It is not so much that he was with her and not even concious of what Holiday weekend it was. I buy that. It triggers memories of how lonely I was during all these "business trips" I so supported in his effort to rise from the ashes of unemployment, and hence, his consequent depression. I am a nice person. Always have been. Not so naive, trusting and as nice anymore. This chapter in my Book of Life could be entitled, "My wife so loved and supported me, she made it easy to have my affair." Still zings, you knowwhatimean? Do I still lick my wounds? Of course I do. Try not to, but it happens some days. Afterall, as so espoused by OW/OM, I am only human and cannot help certain feelings. LOL! Thanks all. I have been re-inventing the holidays for myself. Guess this one just got passed me. We talked and I told him, sometimes you have to plan a date, something special, a surprise, over a holiday weekend. Try to impress ME. Make believe I AM your girlfriend, not the wife. He got it. Let's see.
2sure Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 We talked and I told him, sometimes you have to plan a date, something special, a surprise, over a holiday weekend. Try to impress ME. Make believe I AM your girlfriend, not the wife. He got it. Let's see. I am sooo glad you did that. Last night, on my way home I was thinking about what else I have done to make those "days" better and wished I had added, well, just what you did. I mentioned to my H how I felt on some days, during some parts of the year. I told him that I wasn't bringing it up to punish him, or to rehash, but just to let him know I had an issue I needed some help working on. Just verbalizing it to him , without a lot of discussion, improved things. Good days and bad. Yep.
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