RunawayTrain Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Hi everyone. I have been a lurker here for sometime and finally garnished the intestinal fortitude to post my story. I hope it is not too verbose so please take the time the read it and offer your opinion. I am 31 y/o and have a plethora of experience dating etc. The majority of my relationships have been toxic and I have been cheated on before hence jading the way I see things and providing me with a myriad of insecurities and self esteem issues. The girls I have dated had been vindictive and have intentionally done things and said things to hurt my self esteem. I am a very insecure person and I have self esteem as well as jealousy issues. I recently starting seeing a therapist to help me and root out of the cause of my issues. I even suffer from retro active jealousy. So about two months ago I meet a wonder beautiful smart successful young lady off a dating website. We talk for about a month before we meet and the converations are mind boggeling. Conversations until 4 in the morning, laughing, giggling like kids, and many other things. We hit it off on the phone and decide to meet in person. Things go very well in person and we are instantly attracted to each other. The conversation came up that she at one point in her life has cheated on her fiance (they are no longer together). I was very turned off by this and this the red flags went up and the bells went off in my head. Morally I have a problem with cheating and I let her know how I felt. I wasnt judging her I was just conveying to her that for me that could be a trust issue. Too make a long story short. I broke things off with this girl because I didnt want to put her through gammet of issues that I have including jealousy, insecurity, etc. It wasnt fair for her to have to go through that. If she went to a bar and I wasnt there I would get very upset and jealous and not talk to her the next day. That is not normal and I tried to explain that I think she could do better. The problem is that she really likes me and kinda fell for me. She loves my personality, looks, etc. She already saw my jealous, insecure side and it caused a few fights. I let her go and told her I needed to work on me before I can even think about being in a relationship. This girl was perfect in my eyes and I may have lost her. I told her not to wait around and she agreed. I told her I couldnt just be friends with her because the feelings were too intense. I feel so bad that I made her cry. I am upset too because I let go someting so great all because of my issues.
bean1 Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 No, you did the right thing. You are insecure, likely a result of being cheated on (I have had the same issue). The last thing you need is to be with a proven cheater, that isn't going to help at all. Everyone has different views on cheating - some say people can change, some people say they can't. That's your comfort zone to decide. Just remember that she cheated with one man while wearing another man's engagement ring. I can't gather much respect for someone like that.
cbreitel Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 I've been cheated on before, in a marriage. Despite that, I don't consider myself to have "trust issues" as you describe them. I'm not a particularly jealous person. But the fact is that I have no tolerance for infidelity, having learned quite a bit about it from my direct experience. One of the harsh lessons I learned from that experience was that people who cheat on relationships have likely done so before and will likely do it again. It turns out that my exwife had in fact cheated on previous relationships, which I learned before we got married, and I ignored those red flags. Big mistake. One I won't make again. I've dated plenty of girls I thought were "perfect" except I detected a vibe of weirdness in their past relationships. I lost interest pretty instantaneously. I've been honest and loyal in all my relationships; I have plenty of male and female friends who have also been honest and loyal in theirs; so there are plenty of people out there who don't have emotional issues that cause them to behave this way. Find one of them and don't settle. That's how I see it.
Author RunawayTrain Posted May 25, 2009 Author Posted May 25, 2009 Hey thank you so much for responding. Regardless if cheated on one occassion or ten, my issues/insecurities go further than that. She seemed geniounely remorseful after explaining to me the circumstances as to why she cheated. I disagreed with her course of action and almost did not meet her because of that.
cbreitel Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 My ex seemed to take the view that if she disclosed everything screwed up about her life to me before we got serious, and I accepted it at the time, that would make her repeating such behavior acceptable to me. She actually used this argument on me, and I learned through counseling that it's a common tactic by people who behave this way. Run far away.
Asami Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Hey thank you so much for responding. Regardless if cheated on one occassion or ten, my issues/insecurities go further than that. She seemed geniounely remorseful after explaining to me the circumstances as to why she cheated. I disagreed with her course of action and almost did not meet her because of that. Runaway train, you did the right think by backing off. The last thing you need is to start a relationship with a proven cheater while you are in therapy for your issues, While she may seem genuinely remorseful the possibility is still there for her to cheat if you guys decided to engage in a comitted relationship. run for the hills..
Author RunawayTrain Posted May 26, 2009 Author Posted May 26, 2009 Runaway train, you did the right think by backing off. The last thing you need is to start a relationship with a proven cheater while you are in therapy for your issues, While she may seem genuinely remorseful the possibility is still there for her to cheat if you guys decided to engage in a comitted relationship. run for the hills.. The thing is that if you take the element of cheating out of the equation, she has so much more to offer in terms of being in a relationship however that elephant in a room kinda lurks when you really think about what is going on. I am having a bad day today. I kinda miss talking to her.
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