love_hurts Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 alright, i love my boyfriend more than ive loved anyone else, and i know he's the one. but he always makes me feel bad for my emotions when im angry about my mom yelling at me all the time. he tells me im always blaming him for my problems when i really dont. the only way i could see myself blaming him if when i say something like 'you told me youd help me out when you know im feeling down but you just get mad at me like always'. i do talk to him about it but he always thinks he never does anything wrong and he says hell help me out but then just goes and blames me for everything. when he says hell do something but doesnt do it, who am i suppost to blame? its not my fault when he doesnt step up. when i ask him how i specifically blame him about me and my moms fights, he never gives me any examples where im blaming him. he just likes to take what i say and twist it so it seems im blaming him and make me feel bad. and, when we get in fights about him hurting my feelings, or my feelings just being hurt from friends and family, he never trys to make me feel better, he just gets mad basically that i tell it to him. he also says that im pushing him away, when really, ive been working so hard on my other problems that brought us down, and even he recognizes that im doing a good job, he even said if i fixed those problems we wouldnt ever fight, but now he just gets mad about my feelings. its like i cant talk to him without causing fights. i always have to be the one to stop our fights and now it feels like he doesnt even want to be with me anymore. he doesnt say i love you, and he fights with me saying i dont love him or else i wouldnt do what i do. and every time i ask what i do he just says it doesnt matter. i dont want to loose him and im scared hes going to leave me. i just want to be able to talk about my feelings without being scared of getting in trouble.
bean1 Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 You sound very young. Why is your mother always yelling at you? Most guys will not continue to date a girl that is always upset over things. It does sound like you take your anger out on him ("venting" at him about things qualifies). What is he not "stepping up" about? Is it something important? When I was younger, I used to get upset over things that really weren't a big deal at all. What sort of things are you so upset over? We can only change our own behaviour.
Author love_hurts Posted May 25, 2009 Author Posted May 25, 2009 when i say he isnt stepping up i mean that he says he wants me to talk about what bothers me but when i do go tell him about it he takes it as im blaming him. also about how he says i need to change, which i have done, but things he says he'll change he doesnt. he says he would change his short temper on things and low tolerance for listening to my 'venting' as you say. idk how i can tell him how i feel and make it so he doesnt take it so personally. and my mom yells about frivolous things thats shes angry about
cbreitel Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 It sounds like you need a healthy way to express your feelings about your frustrating relationship with your mom. What seems to be happening instead is you're venting those feelings on your relationship, which is causing the two of you understandable tension. It's not that your mom's situation isn't his problem. If he cares about you, he cares about that situation too. But the fact is that he's not your therapist; he's your boyfriend, and you two are apparently pretty young so he doesn't or can't deal with your problems. Maybe you should seek help from a counselor?
Author love_hurts Posted May 25, 2009 Author Posted May 25, 2009 thanks a lot. ill do my best to work on this. i think i need to face my problems myself before i talk about them so he doesnt get hurt. i just hope he gives me another chance. he says he doesnt know if he still loves me or still wants to be with me. any ideas how i can help him understand im going to work on this?
cbreitel Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Tell him straight up. Maybe, if things are really bad right now, you should consider taking a short and temporary break in the relationship just to give both of you time to sort your feelings out. You obviously want to resolve this situation in a healthy way so if he's a nice guy and he's really meant to be the one for you, he will be patient and give you a chance. If he won't give you another chance, would you really want such a guy long-term anyway? Everyone has ups and downs in their lives, through no fault of their own. You didn't ask or deserve to have a rough relationship with your mom. He should be able to ride this storm with you without running away. And if he does run away, find someone better.
Author love_hurts Posted May 26, 2009 Author Posted May 26, 2009 thats a good way to look at it, and i have thought about giving the relationship a break. im going to use that as a last resort, and tell him as soon as i can that he can either give me another chance and 'ride this storm with you without running away' or i deserve someone who can. but i know there will be some compromises, where maybe the break in the relationship will be most helpful. thanks so much for your advice
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