Did you use drugs to deal with the pain?

[wildsoul]

What are you spying on me? I just came back inside after having a cigarette.

 

I was a non-smoker for about 15 years, but picked it up again in my post-divorce stress before xSM. He insisted I quit and I happily did. But I recently lit up at a bar with some friends, which led to me buying a pack last week. I promptely smoked it in a few days. Bought another one last night! Ugh. I get too addicted. Need to not start up again.

 

As far as non-illegal drugs go, I'm a HUGE FAN of an amino acid called 5htp that helps your body produce more seratonin. I could NOT have got through my breakup without it! It totally helped normalize me when I was slipping into a depression like I haven't been in since my 20's when I needed zoloft. I buy enteric coated tablets (prevents nausea side effect) by Natures Way. One on the morning. One at night. Started working in a few days. Full improvement within a month. It's saved my life, and that's not an exaggeration. I was slipping into some very bad thoughts for awhile there.

 

I made a point of drinking less alcohol in the thick of my withdrawal because I wanted to actually FEEL my feelings and heal them. I heard that sedatives like alcohol and pot just numb you and make your healing take longer. PLUS, it kept me from being stupid and doing a drunken dial or text to xSM!

[jj33]

His W knew and didnt care. She turns a blind eye to these things. Ive met her she came right out when we were introduced and said "i know who you are". I didnt deal with it being in touch with MM well AT ALL for the first year or so. Over the past 3 months things have gotten a lot easier. Now its even easier than it was. Someday I hope not to care at all. In the meantime business must continue and he is good to me in business so I really cant complain but its made the healing a lot harder. Its almost 2 years now. I cant believe it. Am just losing the weight I put on since it ended. 30 pounds... and I wasnt thin to begin with.

 

When I joined LS many said you MUST go NC. I couldnt if I didnt want to lose business and I wasnt willing to do that. Im glad I didnt but it has been a long hard road.

I spent a lot of money on therapy bills and other related stuff that would have been useful to me now if I had it, but I coped the best I could.

 

The worst is behind me. Some days I hate him, other times just watching a stupid TV show will make me cry and think of him. But that is rare. Most of the time I just want us to get along. It makes life a lot easier. And he is not great around me. Sometimes he pretends he doesnt see me in a crowded room. Other times he is overly boisterous whihc is nervousness. So I know its not easy for him either.

[fooled once]

I didn't use anything except Tylenol PM to sleep.

 

That was the worst for me - trying to sleep but my brain wouldn't shut off.

[me003]

I slept every free moment I could. Then after about 2 weeks I started going out to happy hour with friends every time I could. Sometimes it was 5 times a week. I am not a big believer in drinking alone, but I would drink 1 beer every other night if I was home from the time I got home to the time I got up to go to work. Comedy movies were also a must, anything happy.

 

 

I then started taking Paxil but it was not doing anything. SO I stopped taking it. So I did shopping and more shopping, and yes I gained 15 pounds went from a size 7 to a size 10 and that was tight and I am petite, so 15 pounds is a lot.

[dobler33]

where are you now, me003? sounds like you are still in the thick of it, darling. we hurt ourselves to mitigate the hurt we have incurred. reach out and let us know what you need.

[unhappylady]

Had to go on anti-depressants for the first time ever in my life. They literally saved my life - they really did.

 

I normally comfort eat when down but couldn't physically eat and lost 2 1/2 stone.

[Stepone]

Had to go on anti-depressants for the first time ever in my life. They literally saved my life - they really did.

 

I normally comfort eat when down but couldn't physically eat and lost 2 1/2 stone.

 

Hi Unhappy lady - I've read your story and you're so damn strong for what you did. I hope it's running more smoothly for you. I assume you went on the anti d's before you broke up with him? I know this is a personal issue - feel free to ignore it but would you mind saying exactly what you felt the antidepressants did for you? Did they help you forget, or sedate you, or conversely give you the energy you were lacking... or anything else .. you don't have to answer this but I am sure there are many on this forum who have given some consideration to anything which can curb very bad feelings associated with being the OW.

[HisSweetThing]

When my kids really started noticing my depression I called my doctor and got a prescription for Lexapro. I took it for 1 day - the side effects were horrible on me. I decided I'd rather deal with the sadness. Then the OMM changed his mind and I wasn't sad anymore. Now I take Xanax on occasion when I'm feeling anxious about things. I also occasionally take an over-the-counter sleeping aid - something I never did before.

[lovekillsslowly]

I took up smoking cigarettes and would begin my mornings by drinking a couple of crown & diet cokes to get a buzz going after my MM ended it. Then I would drink another crown & coke in the late afternoon and take Unisom before going to bed. I was doing all this while still trying to honor his wishes of us "still being friends and continuing to talk on the phone because after everything that we had been through together and talked about it would be really weird to not talk to me anymore." (Whatever! )

I also put 7 lbs. on because I would eat whenever I got a "craving" for him (don't know if that makes sense or not).

 

Once I decided to take control of my life and deleted my e-mail address...blocked his cell number...and went NC, I no longer felt the need for the cigarettes OR the crown & coke and haven't smoked or drank for 3 weeks now!

 

I've also lost 2 lbs. and am staying focused on getting back down to 110 lbs. (the weight I was for the 10 months we were involved with each other because I was so happy all the time I didn't feel the need to eat...I wasn't hungry....it's like our relationship fulfilled me and "fed" me.)

 

I still take a Unisom at night. The nights are hard. That's when all the memories, things he said to me, things we did, seem to come flooding into my mind so I'm not ready to give up the Unisom yet. I also sleep with the TV on so my mind and subconcious can focus on a boring tv show while I fall asleep instead of memories of him.

 

I was already on anti-depressants before him and I ever got involved with each other. That's another story in itself but I will say that I am grateful I was already on them because I can't imagine how much worse my emotional state would of been if I hadn't been medicated when he decided to end it and work on his marriage.

 

I just wish everyone who is going through this the strength to stay strong and the willpower to continue to maintain NC and the desire to move on with their life and to find true happiness and fulfillment down the road from someone who means everything they say and keeps their promises.

[me003]

where are you now, me003? sounds like you are still in the thick of it, darling. we hurt ourselves to mitigate the hurt we have incurred. reach out and let us know what you need.

 

I have my good days and bad days. Big things have gone south with this economy and I can only handle 1 bad thing at a time. Too many and I break down. But life is not that bad. Good health and loving family.

[unhappylady]

Hi Stepone, thank you for your kind comments, I certainly don't feel strong, in fact I feel so weak and tempted to pick up that phone and call him it's untrue. I can't though, this is about self preservation, the affair was killing me, I can't do it again.

 

I am more than happy to tell you more about how medication helped me.

 

When I first started developing feelings for MM (who had been my friend for 11 years prior to the affair) I tried my uptmost to fight them. He was married, this could not happen. I fought with these feelings to the point they made me ill - having an affair went against everything I believed in - but the feelings remained. This internal fight I had was only in the flirting stage. Four months down the line I realised I was in love and with that my symptoms started. They were as follows:

 

Exhaustion, pure exhaustion, no amount of sleep would cure it. The problem was I could sleep all day but would be awake all night with my mind racing!

 

Inability to concentrate - this was awful at work as no-one knew. I started making major mistakes which is not good when you are a nurse!.

 

My mind was never 'calm'. It was always flitting between one thing and another. It felt like it was racing about.

 

I was constantly weepy.

 

My appetite reduced to the point where I was eating just to stay alive. As a result I had extreme lethargy. I lost 2 1/2 stone.

 

My skin became atrocious, spotty and greasy. My hair went brittle.

 

I felt 'flat'. Nothing could excite me or sadden me...it was a kind of numbness.

 

I felt like I was in a bubble looking down on myself and the world, I felt like I wasn't in it.

 

I felt desperate, some days I couldn't stand up I was so weak and in despair, I would spend hours sobbing.

 

I realised enough was enough when I looked in the mirror one day and I could see my ribcage and my pelvic bones sticking out. I went to my doctor who diagnosed me with an Acute Depressive Reaction. I was prescribed Sertraline 50mg once a day - a very low dose of anti-depressant.

 

Two weeks in and I felt the same so I presumed they weren't working. About a week later I was driving home from work and MM called, I remember him yakking on about how beautiful I am blah blah blah and I couldn't get him off the phone quick enough - I was craving cheese!!! Ha!

 

Then that was it, my appetite returned, I couldn't get enough food. Because I was starting to eat properly, my energy levels restored and my previous good health returned.

 

Mood wise I still felt horrendous but little by little things cleared. I could read a page in a book without thinking of something else, I could go a whole hour without crying but the biggest improvement were my thought processes, they felt a bit clearer. The problems were still there but they felt at arms length and I felt able to think logically about them instead of it being a big mush in my brain.

 

When I cried I felt better after whereas before I was exhausted from crying and had to sleep.

 

I could enjoy simple things like a beautiful tree or a sunny day - my zest for life was returning.

 

I was on the medication for nine months and in February of this year decided I didn't need it anymore so came off it. I had no withdrawal symptoms. I have since split with MM but have done it without medication - I am proud.

 

Prior to taking the tablets I would never have used them, I always presumed I would get hooked and was a 'coper', I didn't need propping up by medication. Now my view has changed, I wouldn't think twice to using them again if I was in that state. I have never felt as desperate in my life, I dread to think what would have happened if I had carried on untreated.

 

Whoever said affairs are exillarating, fun and exciting - I am the living proof there is another side. I am not some predatory whore after married men, I struggled to the point of being 'right on the edge' with him being married. The guilt at what I was doing indirectly to another women nearly destroyed me. And the depression set in when I realised I was second fiddle to this woman and I would have to accept crumbs off this man.

 

He did/does love me but not enough to move mountains to be with me, I deserve more and had to to get off the rollercoaster before it was too late.

[jj33]

Unhappy your post really touched me. The depression that sets in.

 

It occurs to me that the pain of being in love with an MP from whom you want more, is a kind of unrequited love.

 

In what other scenario would so many people hang onto people whose priorities are obviously elsewhere - for whatever the reason.

 

Perhaps that is why it is so easy for so many to hold onto the hope after it ends. The situation always had an element of pain in it, so the grieving afterwards and the what if and maybe ifs bear some resemblance to the thought process while the affair is going on.

 

A certain portion of those affairs are self fueling. No matter how persistent an MP, if someone wasnt telling themselves xyz they wouldnt accept that from someone they were in love with who was single in quite the same way. I know that was what allowed me to hold out hope after it was over. I kept making excuses for him for far too long and they were the same excuses I sold myself while we were together.

 

Just a thought.

[NoIDidn't]

My answer is exercise. It was my drug of choice. After d-day, I didn't want to do anti-depressants and knew that three hours of exercise a week was equivalent anyway. So I exercised everyday for two hours. It saved my sanity and helped me sleep better.

 

I had to force myself to start eating again since I was still nursing one of our children, and exercising made me hungry enough that I had to eat. I needed to lose the weight I gained during the pregnancy, but not at the expense of my nursing relationship.

 

One of my neighbors was in the middle of a divorce at the time and noticed how much weight I was losing one month after I started exercising (two months after d-day). She asked me which diet was I on: the divorce diet or the infidelity one? I was shocked when she told me she was on both. I noticed that she had shrank from about a size 6 to a size 0. And she was a MW with a OM (that she later married)!

[jj33]

Exercise does seem like the best solution and the one thing that I gave up during the A. I havent gotten back to it yet and maybe that will make a big difference, serotonin levels and all that - plus the weight loss and toning dont hurt. Whats that old saying - living well is the best revenge.