Stepone Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Am not talking about illegal drugs necessarily. I am just interested to know if during or after an affair, any of you took up smoking, drinking alcohol or even excessive coffee drinking to lift the lows or heighten the highs. Or any other drugs I suppose. Personally I found myself taking up smoking during our short relationship as I found it gave me the little boost I needed during my loneliness inbetween meetings, and afterwards I found it helped me reflect and gain some insight, during each cigarette, on why it had ended.. and gave me a small shot of badly needed energy too. It was closely linked to MM in my mind as though, like him, it was bad for me... it felt great at the time. However since it reminded me so much of him I gave it up (after giving him up) a week ago in an attempt to lose "triggers".. had a similar experience with coffee so have knocked that one on the head too. Didn't escape into drinking ever as I knew that plus my cellphone would be a very bad equation in this situation! Would be interested to hear other people's experience in this regard!
sugarmomma Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Am not talking about illegal drugs necessarily. I am just interested to know if during or after an affair, any of you took up smoking, drinking alcohol or even excessive coffee drinking to lift the lows or heighten the highs. Or any other drugs I suppose. Personally I found myself taking up smoking during our short relationship as I found it gave me the little boost I needed during my loneliness inbetween meetings, and afterwards I found it helped me reflect and gain some insight, during each cigarette, on why it had ended.. and gave me a small shot of badly needed energy too. It was closely linked to MM in my mind as though it was bad for me, it felt great at the time. However since it reminded me so much of him I gave it up (after giving him up) a week ago in an attempt to lose "triggers".. had a similar experience with coffee so have knocked that one on the head too. Didn't escape into drinking ever as I knew that plus my cellphone would be a very bad equation in this situation! Would be interested to hear other people's experience in this regard! I don't smoke or do drugs and may drink every now and then. For the sleepness nights I lay off the sugar and cafeine and drink lots of chamomile and honey. As the floods of emotions come I just feel them and try not to repress them. Over time I have become more stable emotionally. I think about him sometimes but I remember why it wouldn't work out. Staying in reality and away from the fatasy world that got me in the first place really helps. Denial is a horrible place to be when caught up in an affair. Put those cigarettes down. He is not worth getting lung cancer for. Just feel your feelings. That's what thy're for. I know its painful but you have to stay with the pain until you make it through. And remember, the ONLY way out is through, there are no shortcuts. Well, there are but you can either pay now or pay later. Its up to you.
jj33 Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 I overate. And am now finally losing weight. Food is a legal drug but it can do such bad things to your body.
Die Hard Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 I started smoking some pot when the mw I was seeing and I went NC. I knew from smoking at school that it would eliminate the dreams I was having of her. It also made me too paranoid to answer her calls or to call her. I don't recommend anyone go this route. It worked for me since I'd quit smoking pot previously so I knew I could quit when the time came.
Author Stepone Posted May 25, 2009 Author Posted May 25, 2009 Hey Sugarmomma you are always an inspiration! I have indeed given up caffeine and smoking now and it definitely is helping me sleep better, though I can't say I feel any less tired, but it'll take a while I guess! "he is not worth getting lung cancer for".. i love it Do you ever have *really* bad days and how do you deal with those? Is it part of the healing process to have days when you feel terrible and numb and confused? I feel weirdly like I am still addicted to him in some way as even just seeing his car - which I do quite regularly, unfortunately - can lift my spirits...... how do you get over a drug which is flaunted in front of your eyes every time you step out of your door...... and sometimes when you are just happily walking by your window!?
sugarmomma Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 I overate. And am now finally losing weight. Food is a legal drug but it can do such bad things to your body. I forgot about the food. Stay away from that too especially if you are the kind that gains weight easily.
Author Stepone Posted May 25, 2009 Author Posted May 25, 2009 Yes JJ I found I practically stopped eating while in the affair - the euphoria was enough to get me through - but have sure made up for it now. I am lucky to have a high metabolism and a muscular body though so I don't really put on weight. His wife has gone scarily thin though and every time I see her I feel so sick and guilty. Thanks for your experience diehard that is exactly what I was talking about. Drugs can make you "forget". Desensitise you. Amazing how you turn to them in these times, I suspect more than if you've just come out of a normal relationship... due to the addictive quality of affairs perhaps and needing something to replace that feeling. Or maybe because they are just more painful.. or maybe because we cannot face the guilt. I really see sugarm's point that we should ride out the pain.... what goes up......
babydreamer Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 This is my first week of going NC. I know the road ahead is very hard and rough. I hope that you guys can help me through since I can't tell anyone about MM. I can't smoke (that's out). I don't drink or use drugs for it gives me headaches. We shouldn't abuse our body for anyone especially they've already abused our mind. You should try getting plenty of exercise. Your body releases a chemical that will help you feel better. Keep us posted on your road to recovery.
sugarmomma Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Hey Sugarmomma you are always an inspiration! I have indeed given up caffeine and smoking now and it definitely is helping me sleep better, though I can't say I feel any less tired, but it'll take a while I guess! "he is not worth getting lung cancer for".. i love it Do you ever have *really* bad days and how do you deal with those? Is it part of the healing process to have days when you feel terrible and numb and confused? I feel weirdly like I am still addicted to him in some way as even just seeing his car - which I do quite regularly, unfortunately - can lift my spirits...... how do you get over a drug which is flaunted in front of your eyes every time you step out of your door...... and sometimes when you are just happily walking by your window!? I am a recovering person and I am very much in touch with my addictive personality. I have been addicted to whoever, whenever and whatever. When I feel that way I remember that my validation has to be internal not external. I have wanted men to love me all my life and they could never do so in a way that I found sufficient. I alo try not to run from whatever discomfort I may be going through because it does pass. I also have friends that I share with that give me sound feedback that is absolutely priceless. Believe me I am a work in progress just like you and it has taken me years to get here. The first relationship I was in was abusive and has determined the course of everyone since then. I am in the process of changing that by becoming healthy and learning to make good choices when it comes to men. It is a process and it doesn't happen overnight. I have been known to use men to buffer the pain of being alone with myself. I try really hard not to do that anymore because I know people are not responsible for my happiness or my feelings. I have a thread going that I am practicing abstinence and after 2 months wouldn't you know this single cute guy I've known a long time is now acting all interested in me? WTH? Just when I'm trying to get all self reflective and sh*t!! Just remember to not shame yourself and understand that this is just a part of your growth and development to becoming the amazing woman that you know you can be.
Author Stepone Posted May 25, 2009 Author Posted May 25, 2009 Aww babydreamer hang in there - the first week is the absolute worst. This is my fifth or sixth time of going NC - he just kept coming back, but this time I told his wife to keep him away from me so I somehow don't think he will come knocking again! So I have had the first week blues a good few times. You sound very wise and strong. Am indeed getting loads of exercise, I walk at least ten miles every day - not for exercise but to get to and from town! It is when I am resting that is the problem. Sitting alone with my lovely toned body in my lovely clean house and baby's in bed....... oh so lonely.. with my thoughts for company!
Author Stepone Posted May 25, 2009 Author Posted May 25, 2009 Yes Sugarmomma what you say really does ring true in my life too. Though I can't say there are many single cute guys battering down my door in my own life, I have a feeling that might help take my mind off things..
sugarmomma Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Yes Sugarmomma what you say really does ring true in my life too. Though I can't say there are many single cute guys battering down my door in my own life, I have a feeling that might help take my mind off things.. Don't they have online dating sites where you are? You don't necessarily have to meet someone but just some people to socialize with may do you some good while you sit there with that toned body:lmao: Wow ten miles??? I need to get off my azz. I thought 2 miles was too many!
dobler33 Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 i stopped eating, which for me, as a former anorexic, is like a drug. a month later i'm still dealing with the damage to my stomach. not recommended. i popped sleeping pills for the first few days just to get through the night. if you're confident that you won't get addicted to them i actually do recommend that. for the first two weeks i definitely engaged in a certain amount of state-dependent substance abuse. of course, i can't suggest that anyone do this, because it's certainly dangerous. but at some level i think that "whatever gets you through the night" is a perfectly valid philosophy in those first unbearable days. i know for me, the break up was more painful than anything i had yet experienced in my adult life, and i gave myself a certain amount of permission to do whatever i had to do to stay alive. i'm also a former cutter, and the urge to cut was stronger in the first week than i'd experienced since my early twenties. so sleeping pills were definitely a better bet for me, and it helped me stay alive. that's the key piece here. you just have to stay alive till enough time has passed that every breath doesn't sear your insides like acid. you just have to stay alive long enough to get the smallest sliver of space between all that pain and your heart. however you do that, as long as the lasting consequences aren't too prohibitively high, is ok in my book. be careful, be caring to yourself. but if you need to knock yourself out from time to time to keep yourself from eyeing the sharp stuff, go for it. just keep in mind that eventually, one of these nights, you're going to have to take off the training wheels and sit with your sorrow a little. that's when you sign on here and remember that you're not alone. it's a process. keep breathing.
Author Stepone Posted May 25, 2009 Author Posted May 25, 2009 Don't they have online dating sites where you are? You don't necessarily have to meet someone but just some people to socialize with may do you some good while you sit there with that toned body:lmao: Wow ten miles??? I need to get off my azz. I thought 2 miles was too many! Ten miles, with a heavy pram, up a hill! On the plus side, as I walk I get lots of hunky lorry drivers beeping at me on a sunny day not to mention MM <3 and his wife , though definitely no beeps and smiles there. I don't really like the idea of meeting men online! I have heard too many horror stories!
babydreamer Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 STEPONE - the first week is the worst week?? So if I can pass the first week NC then afterward is a breeze???
Author Stepone Posted May 25, 2009 Author Posted May 25, 2009 STEPONE - the first week is the worst week?? So if I can pass the first week NC then afterward is a breeze??? The first while is definitely the worst for me personally, though everyone is different. The key things that change with time for anyone in NC, no matter how much soul searching or rationalisation you do or do not do, is 1) You actually start to accept it is over. Experience life without the MM and get used to it, get used to your new routines, get used to the fact that you do not have seeing him to look forward to. Get used to every day being another day in which he isn't part of your life. This leads to acceptance! 2) You get over the physical addiction. Not just to sex but in fact eevn to the thrill of getting a text or seeing his name in your inbox! It is a real relief when this is over and helps you see things a little more clearly It will most likely take longer than a week! Be grateful for him accepting your wish for NC as every time my MM got in contact, though I secretly was thrilled, it interfered severely with my healing process like reopening a wound which is trying to heal. Google "seven stages of grief" - it helped me to know what to expect!
sugarmomma Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Ten miles, with a heavy pram, up a hill! On the plus side, as I walk I get lots of hunky lorry drivers beeping at me on a sunny day not to mention MM <3 and his wife , though definitely no beeps and smiles there. I don't really like the idea of meeting men online! I have heard too many horror stories! I don't do online datingmyself but I just thought it would be okay for talking to other people.
dobler33 Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 HA! wouldn't that be nice, babydreamer? no, it's not a breeze, although i agree with the other good people that the first week is uniquely heinous. it's almost hallucinatory, isn't it? like some kind of unholy fever dream. it does get better though. although as i'm writing this i remember people saying that to me in that first week and thinking they had no idea what they were talking about or what i was going through because there was clearly no way in heaven or on earth that i was ever going to feel anything other than that pain. so, forgive me. where you are right now is real and debilitating. clearly though you're reaching out for help, which is all you can do. we're all in this together, no matter what stage we're in.
sugarmomma Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 HA! wouldn't that be nice, babydreamer? no, it's not a breeze, although i agree with the other good people that the first week is uniquely heinous. it's almost hallucinatory, isn't it? like some kind of unholy fever dream. it does get better though. although as i'm writing this i remember people saying that to me in that first week and thinking they had no idea what they were talking about or what i was going through because there was clearly no way in heaven or on earth that i was ever going to feel anything other than that pain. so, forgive me. where you are right now is real and debilitating. clearly though you're reaching out for help, which is all you can do. we're all in this together, no matter what stage we're in. That's true because I still think of him often and wonder what he's up to and how he's doing. I hate it when I think about him in the morning when I first wake up. I just pray to God that one day he will leave my mind!!!! It is getting better but I am not there completely. I am almost 2 mos out of the A.
Author Stepone Posted May 25, 2009 Author Posted May 25, 2009 Having said that babydreamer, it definitely helps me to have targets - for example when we went past two weeks NC the fourth time ( yeah i know) I write on my calendar "now you can officially start to get over him" as it was the longest we had ever been out of contact for - and indeed something did shift on that date.... so if it helps you to believe that after a certain amount of NC you have a licence to start really truly moving on and stop wallowing 9I speak for myself) - so be it! Thank you for sharing your story and insights Dobler. Sounds like you had a very rough ride but you can be proud of yourself for knowing yourself, and knowing what steps to take to ensure your life didn't end up a disaster. It is really a searingly painful time.
dobler33 Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 ugh, sugarmomma, don't you just frickin HATE that????? it still ticks me off every morning. FIRST thing that happens in my head. i hope like hell it fades soon. it's always a big hump to get over in the morning. although i have to say that it's better than it was - in the beginning i lived in dread of 9am, because that was when he'd get to work and call me. for an hour before and an hour after i would just collapse knowing my phone was not going to ring. that doesn't happen anymore. so, see, babydreamer? it just keeps getting better and better, even if it doesn't go away completely. and stepone, i like your "targets" idea. this past saturday it was a month since it ended and i definitely marked it in my head. and i am proud, truly proud that i'm still here, still alive, still struggling toward something better. we effing ROCK, y'all!
Author Stepone Posted May 25, 2009 Author Posted May 25, 2009 Actually it's funny you say that! This morning I woke up and my very first thought was something about someone.. or maybe my dream.. I can't remember what now. And the second thought that followed that, as my head stirred on my pillow.. a few seconds after.. was "Holy sh*t, my first thought this morning wasn't about XMM! I am recovering!!! " But if I had to think that, how much of a recovery is it? This is like pulling teeth!
jj33 Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Well consider yourselves lucky. I still have to deal with him and getting that 9 am call (not everyday not even weekly sometimes but more frequently than Id like - first on my office phone and if I dont answer on my cell) is not fun. Its gotten to the point where I am very short with him sometimes if its not something urgent and he has gotten to the point of asking me if I am in a good mood - Im typically in a good mood I just dont enjoy getting calls from him!
Author Stepone Posted May 25, 2009 Author Posted May 25, 2009 Well consider yourselves lucky. I still have to deal with him and getting that 9 am call (not everyday not even weekly sometimes but more frequently than Id like - first on my office phone and if I dont answer on my cell) is not fun. Its gotten to the point where I am very short with him sometimes if its not something urgent and he has gotten to the point of asking me if I am in a good mood - Im typically in a good mood I just dont enjoy getting calls from him! How on earth do you deal with that? I can't deal with the possibility of seeing my MM's car! Did his wife ever find out?
Die Hard Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Thanks for your experience diehard that is exactly what I was talking about. Drugs can make you "forget". Desensitise you. Amazing how you turn to them in these times, I suspect more than if you've just come out of a normal relationship... due to the addictive quality of affairs perhaps and needing something to replace that feeling. Or maybe because they are just more painful.. or maybe because we cannot face the guilt. I really see sugarm's point that we should ride out the pain.... what goes up......well I can say this: pot will not help with the pain. The pain was as bad as it ever was, it just made me eat and sleep which at the time was a maojor issue for me. The bonus was the paranoia when stoned. That totally removed the urge to call her since I was too stoned. She called me once after about a month of nc and again I was too stoned and paranoid to answer the call or return it. I cannot say pot got me through the whole episode but it surely didn't hurt in my case. The last time I pulled a bong was 9 months ago, the last time she called me(didn't answer or call back). I posted here in a panic and got support and then realized I was better, she still thought about me and that the time had come to stop smoking. Basically I used her call as an ego boost and I never missed the pot after that day and was finally able to move on. Turned out I just needed to know she hadn't forgotten about me. I actually owe her for that call as that was the moment I moved on.
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