This isn't right and I need your honest: Jennifer, Bonnie, and the Thoughtful ***hole

[colosseum]

Few of you may recall a post about my dilemma with 2 girls named Jennifer and Bonnie. Well, they're back and things haven't resolved themselves. And who is to blame? Me. We're in college. School is out, and summer is here.

 

Bonnie and I have been seeing each other for a couple of months. She's fun and great, and we've kissed but not been intimate. We had our talk right before summer break; she wanted exclusivity but I didn't because I'd screwed up summer LDR before. She said that's fine b/c she had a bad experience with summer dating before too. So we're not exclusive.

 

Jennifer and I have been vague acquaintances for several months, but have gone on 3/4 dates in the past couple of months. We have real chemistry but I've kept my distance because of 1. well Bonnie and 2. Jennifer had never been kissed before. Until of course, I went on a great date with her and ended it by giving her her first kiss ever. With her too, though I said summer is too tricky and that we should stay in touch but not assume exclusivity. She understood.

 

So explicitly, I'm single. We've been out of school for a week. I've talked to Bonnie 4 times, and Jennifer once.

 

My brother, who is adamantly opposed to dating more than one person at a time, has described me as the "ignorant player": one who is playing games unknowingly. But I have never thought of myself as a "player" nor do I think I ever will/can be (especially with all the negative connotations). I'm finding recourse to the dating-more-than-one-person-is-okay creed (up to a certain point).

 

But I also know that that certain point might have been passed. I know that giving Jennifer her first kiss might have been a big ****-up. And I know that I would hate it if I were in one of their shoes -- if I were in touch with a girl who gave another guy his first kiss and was seeing him concurrently, I'd be hurt and I'd most likely leave her even though we're not on exclusive terms. I know that if I want to treat others the way I want to be treated (which I do), I need to stop this now. It's unfair to both of them, and I like them too much to be dishonest/unfair. Did I mention: Jennifer & Bonnie are friends. Not BFFs but they know each other.

 

I like both of them. I really enjoy both their companies. But this isn't right, is it? I don't think I'm leading either one on because I genuinely like both, but I can understand if someone were to call "bull****" on that statement.

 

3 months left in summer. The last thing I want to do is burn both bridges down. But right now I feel like I'm on the path to decimating both. So my questions are: What am I doing that's right or wrong? And how do I proceed from here to salvage both bridges, or at least try? I was thinking that the only way is to back off from both and really drop down the contact over summer, but I'm not sure how if that's the best option...

 

Oh, and yeah, I'm the "Thoughtful ***hole" of the title. Thoughtful only because I overthink things, for better or for worse.

 

Thanks, LSers. All opinions/comments/advice welcome.

[mental_traveller]

You're acting honestly and just doing what you told them both - I don't see any problem.

[colosseum]

See, that's what I'd like to think, but I also think that if I were in their shoes, and I found out what I was doing, despite nonexclusivity I'd be pissed.

[TaraMaiden]

If you are honest, open and up-front with both of them, and they know about each other, whatever they decide is their decision.

 

You can carry on enjoying your young life, (but please!! Make sure you are responsible!!) and if they wish to continue being involved with you that is their choice. You seem to be forgetting you are not the only 'actor' in the dynamic here. They also have minds of their own.

Honesty and openness will be the best course of action.

They should know about each other. Then, they too can make clear-headed decisions.

[colosseum]

So to Jennifer I say: "So I really like you, and I gave you your first kiss. But since we're not exclusive, I needed to be totally honest with you and explicitly tell you that I also have feelings for Bonnie. You have every right to walk out of seeing me anymore. I just needed to be honest and tell you that because I don't want to be unfair to you and you deserve full respect."

 

And to Bonnie I say: "So I really like you, and we've been dating for quite some time. But since we're not exclusive, I needed to be totally honest with you and explicitly tell you that I also have feelings for Jennifer. You have every right to walk out of seeing me anymore. I just needed to be honest and tell you that because I don't want to be unfair to you and you deserve full respect."

 

I thought non-exclusivity implied openness to multi-dating...do I have to be this explicit...? Because this just sounds to me like the fastest and best way to detonating both bridges. But maybe that's inevitable at this point.

[Els]

You don't need to say WHOM else you're dating, but I would think that they should know that you're dating around.

 

Because their ideas on exclusivity and when it occurs may differ from yours.

 

Would save either one or both from a lot of heartbreak.

[colosseum]

You don't need to say WHOM else you're dating, but I would think that they should know that you're dating around.

 

Because their ideas on exclusivity and when it occurs may differ from yours.

 

Would save either one or both from a lot of heartbreak.

 

So...if we had the exclusivity talk (to be not exclusive) ... I should still tell them "yeah I have feelings for this other person"?

[carhill]

If non-exclusivity is expressed, you owe them no further explanations

[Cherry Blossom 35]

I agree with Carhill.

 

You are acting honestly and you are not being manipulative. You are young and exploring the world, exactly what you should be doing.

 

It sounds like you have prospects for an exciting summer

[Els]

So...if we had the exclusivity talk (to be not exclusive) ... I should still tell them "yeah I have feelings for this other person"?

 

No, that'd just be plain weird. Just the non-exclusivity talk will do, to let them know that either of you would be free to date around.

 

Because many (not all) girls that age are naive and assume that once a guy expresses interest in her or has kissed her etc, he's hers and they have a relationship. At least, that's the case where I live.