Raderick Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 So I plan on going on a first date with someone tonight, very simple, Starbucks following by Applebees, something we both want. We've been chatting for almost a month, however, she has been dating this other guy for a couple of weeks, and she's been hanging out with this guy almost every day. She told me they had a VERY serious conversation last night, and then hung out with him afterward (though the evening, is my guess since she left her home around 1 AM). She keeps on telling me that he is taking it slow and the guy has yet to wow her, but I keep on doubting that, however I have yet to call what seems to be a bluff. I really like this woman A LOT and I'm close to falling. At the same time I feel like I'm going to be beaten to the punch and I really do feel like calling off everything. I simply don't like the fact that this guy is going to be hanging over my head and I'm essentially competing, which I keep on telling myself I will never do. Any advice? Am I just being paranoid? Damn I feel like I'm back in 7th grade.
bean1 Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Well, you might as well give it a try and go on a date. It sounds as if she is sleeping with him as well, so use protection should you choose to go that route. If a girl is truly serious about one guy, and is the kind of girl worth dating, she wouldn't continue to date other guys after that amount of time. So no, she isn't serious enough if she is still planning to date you. PS. Don't talk and not meet for a month. That sets up a "false intimacy". You feel closer to this girl than you are. You are both strangers to each other. You have not yet even had a first date.
samspade Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 How do you know you like her a lot if you haven't even been on a first date with her? Why have you been "chatting" (I assume online) for a month without one date taking place? You aren't even giving her a chance to know you in person. You aren't close to "falling" for her. You sound like you have only one option - this girl - and now that you know she has other options, you're getting desperate. There is no reason for you two to be discussing the other people you're dating. Suffice to say you're dating others and leave it at that. What she says about this other guy you can take with a load of Morton salt. She's most likely banging him if they are hanging out so often, and she is probably deciding whether or not he is long term material now. Like I said, disregard it and don't discuss the other people in your dating spheres, although i seriously doubt you have other women you're dating right now based on the information you've presented. One last thing: Don't take her out to dinner. Coffee, drinks, or an inexpensive activity should be enough. Otherwise you will become her meal ticket while the other guy gets all the sex. Save dinner someone special, like a girl you've been dating at least a few months. (Unless you go Dutch.)
Author Raderick Posted May 25, 2009 Author Posted May 25, 2009 How do you know you like her a lot if you haven't even been on a first date with her? Why have you been "chatting" (I assume online) for a month without one date taking place? You aren't even giving her a chance to know you in person. You aren't close to "falling" for her. You sound like you have only one option - this girl - and now that you know she has other options, you're getting desperate. There is no reason for you two to be discussing the other people you're dating. Suffice to say you're dating others and leave it at that. What she says about this other guy you can take with a load of Morton salt. She's most likely banging him if they are hanging out so often, and she is probably deciding whether or not he is long term material now. Like I said, disregard it and don't discuss the other people in your dating spheres, although i seriously doubt you have other women you're dating right now based on the information you've presented. One last thing: Don't take her out to dinner. Coffee, drinks, or an inexpensive activity should be enough. Otherwise you will become her meal ticket while the other guy gets all the sex. Save dinner someone special, like a girl you've been dating at least a few months. (Unless you go Dutch.) Thanks for the advice. She was the one who mentioned she was dating someone else, and while I appreciated her honesty, it has put me in a very awkward situation since I never been in such a one (FWIW, she mentions the other guy. For example, she was supposed to go to dinner with the guy Saturday, but he was in Orange County. Last night, they had the convo and yada yada.). And for what it's worth, I am not dating someone else, and I don't plan on dating more than one person at a time out of respect for the other person.
cbreitel Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Can I also suggest that you think of something more creative than taking her to two boring chains like Starbucks and Applebees? I don't know how old you guys are or what part of the country you live in, but there have got to be more interesting options than that.
bean1 Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 It's fine to multidate and it's fine to not multidate. That's a personal thing. It sounds like you and this girl have different values in that sense, that's probably an indication that you aren't such great matches.
bean1 Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Can I also suggest that you think of something more creative than taking her to two boring chains like Starbucks and Applebees? I don't know how old you guys are or what part of the country you live in, but there have got to be more interesting options than that. Really? My SO and I went to Starbucks on our first date. We had a great time. There was a fireplace and it was snowing out
cbreitel Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Really? My SO and I went to Starbucks on our first date. We had a great time. There was a fireplace and it was snowing out I realize this is totally subjective, so to each their own. But come on... Starbucks on a cold night I can understand... Starbucks AND Applebees for a first date? Call me elitist for thinking a guy can do better than that, no matter where he is.
DarkestDreams Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 You really need to meet face to face to assess if there is any chemistry, so just go on the date tonight. If she's willing to do that, then she's probably not exclusive with the other guy. Heck, don't even worry about him..if she's gonna like you better than him, that will be a non-issue.
samspade Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 And for what it's worth, I am not dating someone else, and I don't plan on dating more than one person at a time out of respect for the other person. Fair enough, but as it stands, you aren't even dating her. And she obviously has a different philosophy. It is not disrespectful to be dating multiple people as long as you are not misleading or lying. That doesn't mean you have to share updates like she seems to be doing, which is just weird. Next time she brings him up, just say, "I know you're dating others and I'm cool with it. You don't need to share the details with me." Anyway, one date does not a dating pattern make....I advise you to at least ask out some other women. Otherwise you wind up in a situation where you've pinned your hopes on one.
Author Raderick Posted May 26, 2009 Author Posted May 26, 2009 Well, I went on the date tonight, and besides a couple awkward moments, I think it went well, and there was no direct mention of the other guy besides her saying she stayed up until around 3 AM the previous evening. We omitted Applebees so we just did coffee, and instead we walked around Barnes & Nobel for a while and chatting about random books. We'll see what happens. I wanna go on a second date though. I hope she does as well. Seems according to a text that she might be up for discussing it.
DarkestDreams Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 I'm happy to hear things went well..and don't worry, first dates are bound to have a few awkward moments here and there. To hell with texting, just get on the phone and do it properly. You can pick up a lot more from the tone of her voice than through some letters on a screen. Listen to the voice.. the voice will take you home:)
Trialbyfire Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Okay, something's off. I can highly respect someone who discloses that they're multi-dating. On the otherhand, who would be tasteless enough to discuss others, in this detail? She's trying to get you to compete for her in a really unrefined way. Don't play the game.
Author Raderick Posted May 26, 2009 Author Posted May 26, 2009 I'm happy to hear things went well..and don't worry, first dates are bound to have a few awkward moments here and there. To hell with texting, just get on the phone and do it properly. You can pick up a lot more from the tone of her voice than through some letters on a screen. Listen to the voice.. the voice will take you home:) I plan on calling her today . I texted because she was hanging out with friends and I didn't want to be much of a bother. We actually chatted for a couple hours on AIM so who knows...
Author Raderick Posted May 26, 2009 Author Posted May 26, 2009 Okay, something's off. I can highly respect someone who discloses that they're multi-dating. On the otherhand, who would be tasteless enough to discuss others, in this detail? She's trying to get you to compete for her in a really unrefined way. Don't play the game. I hate the game, trust me. It's uncomfortable and I feel like I'm being forced to act more aggressively (which isn't in my nature.) I'm just gonna try to get a second date out of her and see where that goes. She did say she didn't want to look into being exclusive for a couple of weeks, but I think it's in regards to him.
Author Raderick Posted May 26, 2009 Author Posted May 26, 2009 No second date, so this is all now a moot point.
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