annxxdisaster Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Hi, So last month my boyfriend and I broke up we had been dating for 1.5 years. It's a long confusing story, but anyway. For the past month we've spent a few days a week together--and every time we are by each other it feels just like it did before the break up. He looks at me with the same love and admiration in his eyes as he always has, and hell, he's even cuddling with me all night when we go to bed which is something we haven't done for the last year of our relationship. I've asked him if he even knows what he wants--he doesn't. I've asked him if he still loves me, he says in his heart he does, but (classic line?) his head is confusing him. Last night, I told him that I was willing to take our relationship back to the beginning. Have another first date, and just take it casual and slow from there. We're both really busy for the rest of the summer, I work every weekend for at least 8 hours each day and he has a lot of hobbies and it's darn baseball season. Anyway, so yea. I'm willing to let it be a more casual affair so we can both take the time to figure stuff out and not give up on what we did have--especially since he does seem so confused about what he really wants to do. He told me that if I needed his answer yesterday, that it would have to be no... but if I could give him a little bit (we decided on a week) he'd think about it. Now, I don't understand if I should listen to him telling me no he doesn't want to do it, regardless of his answer in a week. Or if I should listen to the actions he displays? I.E. holding me when I lay my head on his shoulder, treating me as if we were still dating, kissing me goodbye, lingering around after he says he's going to go, getting upset/sad when I say I don't want to see him again if he's really against being with me (he was about to walk out when I told him we couldn't be friends). I hear him saying no, and it's hard for me to accept with how he's treating me. I don't know if our age difference has anything to do with it. He's 26 and I'm 20, it seems like he does have issues with growing older--but I could be wrong. Also, I don't know if he's afraid that when I turn 21 next year I'm going to cheat on him, go wild and crazy, and break his heart. He seems like he's protecting himself from hurt. He also has told me that he hasn't been doing anything with other girls (and I knew that) but I have been talking to other guys, mostly so I don't get hung up on him. So haha, yea. Should I listen more to the no or the yes his actions seem to be telling me?
t0ri Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 I have a similar story, but mine ended badly so I thought I'd tell you it. My ex dumped me, came back three weeks later and we agreed that we could "start fresh." He said he wanted to take things really slow, take me out on proper dates, try to forget the past, and go from a "breakup" to a "break." He was sweet to me, constantly told me he missed me, loved me, was thinking about me, and he told me he could only see himself marrying ME but that he did not want our relationship at that exact time. Things felt like they normally did in our relationship. This lasted for about a month. During this month of "slow reconciliation" he never took me on a date, never tried to forget the past, didn't try working at our relationship, and basically used me as a security blanket. Because he ended things AGAIN after a month of this bull crap he fed me. (It's been over a month now since he ended things again ) So...my advice to you would be to trust his original word. He does not want to be with you. If he really wanted to be with you, HE WOULD! If he's having doubts and is "confused" (which my ex claimed to be), then consider it over. I wouldn't have much faith in him truly wanting to work things out, but I could be wrong. But if you really want to risk getting rejected and hurt, then give him some time to think about it, but don't have contact during that time! Just be careful!
lora22 Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Because you have a history, and a somewhat lengthy one at that, I have sincere doubts that you and and he would be able to "go back to the beginning." It sounds like maybe he's having trouble with being totally single (maybe he's lonely, whatever), but he does not want to be with you. Probably he misses certain things about being in a relationship (the cuddling, for example), and his rebound girl is you.
babydreamer Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Agreed with lora22. Guys know exactly who they want to be with.
lora22 Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Also, I don't know if he's afraid that when I turn 21 next year I'm going to cheat on him, go wild and crazy, and break his heart. He seems like he's protecting himself from hurt. If that is in fact the case, he is 26 - he needs to man up. If you haven't done anything to make him not trust you, then suspecting that you *might* in the future is just a sign of his insecurity, and maybe even controlling behavior. You shouldn't put up with that. If you are in a relationship you certainly shouldn't do anything to jeopardize that; however, you're young - have fun! I'm sure he had his fun when he was 21; if you pursue something with him, don't let him prevent you from also have (safe, responsible) fun. He also has told me that he hasn't been doing anything with other girls (and I knew that) but I have been talking to other guys, mostly so I don't get hung up on him. Does he know you're seeing other people? If he does, there might be a jealousy issue here, especially if he's not seeing anyone else. He sees that other guys find you desirable and wants to "have you" for himself so that they can't. In which case, he still doesn't want you, he just doesn't want you be interested in anyone but him. It's an ego thing. All in all, I think you should keep seeing other guys and forget about the ex
Author annxxdisaster Posted May 26, 2009 Author Posted May 26, 2009 No, I haven't told him that--for that exact reason. I don't want to 'play games' with him and try to make him jealous and think if he's hearing that I'm also seeing and seeking out other guys that he'll change his mind. I know he had his fun, and regardless of whether or not I'm together with him or anyone else for that matter I didn't plan on letting that inhibit me from getting out there and experiencing things. I just wouldn't have the drunken hookups with the shady guy lurking in the corner of the bar. Which I think he is insecure about that. Every other serious relationship he has had before me has either ended with the girl cheating, or just leaving him without any warning. He's really not the most emotional fella out there, but man. When we have these talks about how it's all over with, he cries more than I probably do. I just wish he was doing a better job of backing up what he is saying to me or I wish he would start saying real crass and mean statements. If I was getting that sort of treatment, I really hope I'd be strong enough not to keep wanting someone like that. But yea, as much as I would like it to work, the longer I keep allowing myself to wait for his decision and not accept what he is telling me the more fed up with the whole situation I get.
CaliGuy Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Words can be contrived from the brain to mean anything. ACTIONS speak from the heart and tell you what a person is really feeling. I have always maintained that actions speak volumes and words mean nothing. If someone wants to be with you, they'd be there. If they're saying they want to be with you but are not there, then in their heart they do not want to be with you.
Nikki Sahagin Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Think of how YOU yourself act. For instance, if you want to talk to someone that badly, you'd walk into the middle of nowhere just to get credit. If you missed your other half that much, you'd come back early from holiday. If you wanted to be with someone, you'd BE with them. You don't want them that badly and just sit indoors thinking "i'll just sit and miss them". All of the above things i've listed are things that people I know have done for those they love. In the beginning my ex would stay out with in the rain for HOURS just walking so we could be together. We were cold, ill, drenched and tired but we wanted to spend time together, so we did. If someone wants to keep you on hold, they will tell you ANYTHING, but the word wont be there.
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