9Lives Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 I was talking to Sugarmomma about this and I decided to share it with you. I feel so much better that it is over for good now that I thought maybe it could help someone else. The Hope TRAP This right here sums up my whole ...whole situation and relationship with my ex. I am best at being black and white....not grey. I just realized that he is grey. Let me explain. First of all, I have tried to end this thing with him many times. I didnt really want to cause I loved him but i knew it wasnt good to continue. His favorite words were... right now I dont ...or at this moment. You see what I mean? It would keep me hoping, wishing, and chasing cause it was not NO. With my desire to have it, ..i keep going after it. Does that make sense? Its the hope trap that was in and didnt realize it. It was gonna take me to my grave too damm near My personality is either it is or it is not. Because I was so inlove with him, I remained in the grey AGAINST my own natural ways of life. I suffered greatly cause of it. Im not pathetic dear....I have so many things positive in my life...a wonderful real estate career, I have renewed my life to God. I have great kids who love and support me. I have some good friends. I have been sucessful. I go for what I want. Since i wanted the relationship and he keep dangling it in front of me with the maybe or not right now..it keep me chasing. When he said NO...it freed me. I know that is crazy but that is what happen. I am now free. I still think I need to work on myself because it did make me realize my relationship style needs to change. I just wanted to let you know that. You may meet a friend in your lifetime and maybe this will help you help her or maybe it will help you if you ever find yourself in THE HOPE TRAP. It is torture and it is not good. I am free and I thanked him for it cause I couldnt do it. I learned alot about myself and I am glad but I have to learn how to be in a relationship and I am very excited about that. Life is not over...it is just beginning again. I am out of hell(The hope trap)
jj33 Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Im so pleased for you. Thats a great way of putting it. The hope trap. Its what keeps people in it and what keeps people stuck on the relationship after its over. Congratulations.
babydreamer Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 I'm in the same situation. I want to end it but I just miss him too much. We see each other at work. I still want to be friends with him but I don't think I can watch him loves his w and on the other hand, tells me he loves me. I'm so happy that you are freed and got out of the "HOPE" trap because that's where I'm at. I wish one of these day I can say the same thing: I'm OUT!
Lyssa Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Good for you, 9lives! You shouldn't be with someone who can't give you what you want. Now that you are out of it, stand by your decision. Don't give in if he tries to get back together!
Author 9Lives Posted May 25, 2009 Author Posted May 25, 2009 I'm in the same situation. I want to end it but I just miss him too much. We see each other at work. I still want to be friends with him but I don't think I can watch him loves his w and on the other hand, tells me he loves me. I'm so happy that you are freed and got out of the "HOPE" trap because that's where I'm at. I wish one of these day I can say the same thing: I'm OUT! Look at it this way NC does not keep you in happiness. You are not happy NC opens the gates of hell and lets you out. dont beat up on herself. It takes time some time. but think about it....NC does open the gates and lets you out.
Shadowcat Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 The hope trap - that is a good way to put it. I feel like I have been in relationships, not just the one with the MM, where the man knows just how much he needs to give me to keep me hanging on.
Author 9Lives Posted May 25, 2009 Author Posted May 25, 2009 The hope trap - that is a good way to put it. I feel like I have been in relationships, not just the one with the MM, where the man knows just how much he needs to give me to keep me hanging on. yeah that is what my x would do. Now he can kiss my a/ss. I am so happy to be free. I feel great. I really do. Im out the hope trap. I know some people think ,...well you could have gotten out long time ago but for some reason I couldnt do it. I needed him to do it, and when he did a switch went off and I felt better. For me, I keep hoping and he would keep me there until I pissed him alll the way off and he finally said forget it. He did not want at first cause he has been wanting me around for his own reason and I still loved him so I hung in there hoping but now....it is over!!!
Shadowcat Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 I spent 25 years in a relationship with a sober alcoholic/active compulsive gambler/addictively religious man. We have three children together. He never could really decide whether it was us or not, so I kept hanging in there, feeling the pain without him was greater than the pain with him. Then the MM, a love from my youth, contacted me three years ago and we had an immediate connection. My relationship with MM made it possible for me to cut off my bonds to my now ex. I was very hurt from this abusive relationship, and MM pampered me and healed me and put the pieces together again so I could start trusting again. MM has done me good, but still I feel I am once again caught in the hope trap.
White Flower Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 9lives, that is a very good catch phrase, I like it! Nice story. Good luck in your future.
dobler33 Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 huzzah for that freedom. i'm feeling much closer to that myself these days. getting angry - really, really angry - turned the tide for me, and although i think that anger is mellowing into something less rageful and more regretful, it was enough to break that horrible parasitic hope that was beginning to drive me insane. the pitfall is that when you finally give up hope that that love will come back to you, it can be difficult to find hope in much else. i'm in the stage right now where i have to really muscle myself up to keep from falling into a deep depression, thinking that nothing will ever be as fulfilling or beautiful as the love i have lost. i'm a therapist, and i know that it's not true; just as today is a million times better than the day it ended a month ago, there will be a day a month from now that's a million times better than today. and it's never a straight line. ebb and flow, my loves. ebb and flow. look up, wonder aloud, cock your chin at broken promises and keep one hand on the ground so as not to lose its heartbeat.
Shadowcat Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 What I ask myself is how can no love be better than some love just because I want more love? I am 50, I have been so hurt in life the chance of me meeting someone new is very low since I keep to myself. So by cutting myself loose from MM, I might very well be denying myself any relationship at all. That is a tough one to face.
jj33 Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Im 50 too and I worry about the same thing. But no love is better than being in a situation that brings you pain. And you dont know that if you leave MM its no love. You know if you stay you will never have the relationship you want.
wildsoul Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 What I ask myself is how can no love be better than some love just because I want more love? I am 50, I have been so hurt in life the chance of me meeting someone new is very low since I keep to myself. So by cutting myself loose from MM, I might very well be denying myself any relationship at all. That is a tough one to face. I understand that trap, too! It still trips me up sometimes. Currently, I'm going on a few dates and am still comparing them with my ex. Ugh. I don't know if that means I should date more or less. Yet my experience has shown this to be true: I've had to face the fear that comes with letting go of an ex, surrendered to the point of "at all costs." Maybe never having love again. It's scary. But in reality, I've had more than my share of important loves. xSM is actually #4, and that's not counting several others that were strong but short-term. It defies logic to think you'll actually end up being alone. Yet one has to be willing to accept that in order to fully let go.
dobler33 Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 totally off subject, just noticed your terry pratchett quote, wildsoul. i always have to give props to anyone who knows who that is. one of my all time heros. ok, sorry, back to the topic at hand....
Author 9Lives Posted May 26, 2009 Author Posted May 26, 2009 huzzah for that freedom. i'm feeling much closer to that myself these days. getting angry - really, really angry - turned the tide for me, and although i think that anger is mellowing into something less rageful and more regretful, it was enough to break that horrible parasitic hope that was beginning to drive me insane. the pitfall is that when you finally give up hope that that love will come back to you, it can be difficult to find hope in much else. i'm in the stage right now where i have to really muscle myself up to keep from falling into a deep depression, thinking that nothing will ever be as fulfilling or beautiful as the love i have lost. i'm a therapist, and i know that it's not true; just as today is a million times better than the day it ended a month ago, there will be a day a month from now that's a million times better than today. and it's never a straight line. ebb and flow, my loves. ebb and flow. look up, wonder aloud, cock your chin at broken promises and keep one hand on the ground so as not to lose its heartbeat. Even though I am extremely blessed to feel so good about something I really wanted....I understand what you are going thru. I loved him so much that I couldnt let go but you have to let go. In most...most cases.. it goes like this..."Negative start....Negative end" mm get us in these emotional mindsets and it is not good. It is for the birds. Messing with a mm makes you a chicken head!!! I was almost in therapy cause I was losing my mind but I did get some help elsewhere. I was really down. I now feel like I dont have to feel those feelings anymore. I am not missing anything. NC gets you OUT of hell. It is hell to be so emotional fu/ck up. I am so damm happy. I dont care what he is doing. I dont care what is happening in his life. I am done. He told me not to call him and he willl not call me....WELLL GOOOD!!!
Author 9Lives Posted May 26, 2009 Author Posted May 26, 2009 What I ask myself is how can no love be better than some love just because I want more love? I am 50, I have been so hurt in life the chance of me meeting someone new is very low since I keep to myself. So by cutting myself loose from MM, I might very well be denying myself any relationship at all. That is a tough one to face.o Well, I really wanted to end things and that was part of the decision. If you want to change this around, then you will figure out how some way. I dont tell anyone that this was easy. It is easy now cause I got want I needed to close the door. If you really really want to get past this...You will eventually figure out how. I was suffering, very stressed out , and couldnt sleep or think. Now I am doing good. So him leaving me alone is kool with me. He aint coming back and I am free to meet a single man.
wildsoul Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Messing with a mm makes you a chicken head!!! Speaking of signature lines, I think that would make a great one!
Author 9Lives Posted May 26, 2009 Author Posted May 26, 2009 Speaking of signature lines, I think that would make a great one! lol...well that is what you are when you deal with them. Chicken head!! You dont have good sense right now. You a chicken head
dobler33 Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 "hello, my name is dobler33 and i am a chicken head." "HI DOBLER33!" i think you have the makings of a new 12 step group there, my dear.
Author 9Lives Posted May 26, 2009 Author Posted May 26, 2009 "hello, my name is dobler33 and i am a chicken head." "HI DOBLER33!" i think you have the makings of a new 12 step group there, my dear. Hello, I am 9Lives and I am a recovering Chicken Head...I made it so can you...LOL
dobler33 Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 oh, 9lives, will you be my chickenhead sponser? LOL!
me003 Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 The famous Hope Trap.. i know this one very well. we would be together soon, just not sure when soon was. Soon could be 1 year, soon could be 10 years. Things just needed to be in order, but now I know that things would never be in order. Hope is a wonderful way of keeping anyone momentarily satisfied. Funny thing is that this HOPE trap applies to all aspects of life not just PA or EA.
willing Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 The hope trap - that is a good way to put it. I feel like I have been in relationships, not just the one with the MM, where the man knows just how much he needs to give me to keep me hanging on. Otherwise known as 'giving you crumbs'... that is, he gives you almost nothing, after his finished with his meal... but just enough to keep you (r hopes) alive.
willing Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 yeah that is what my x would do. Now he can kiss my a/ss. I am so happy to be free. I feel great. I really do. Im out the hope trap. I know some people think ,...well you could have gotten out long time ago but for some reason I couldnt do it. I needed him to do it, and when he did a switch went off and I felt better. For me, I keep hoping and he would keep me there until I pissed him alll the way off and he finally said forget it. He did not want at first cause he has been wanting me around for his own reason and I still loved him so I hung in there hoping but now....it is over!!! Sure, some people can just be the person who calls it quits by saying 'No', but for you, me, and some OW it seems best/surest to hear it being unequivocally said by OM (or even for BS's from their WS's)... it's too hard to make that decision on your own... you hope for the best but accept the worst... and they are the ones you put in charge of giving you the answer, the 'yes' or the 'no'... I so totally understand it when you say you would piss him all the way off until he finally said 'No more'... I think, it might be because the man keeps the woman dangling (on purpose, for his own edification) and she NEEDS an answer, one way or the other! So -- if you push, push, push -- you will at least get him to say 'No'... even if it's 'Yes' you want to hear... since you cannot Make Him Say "Yes" but you are 'stuck' in that mode of waiting, and hoping, at least one sure way to get 'unstuck' is to Force him to say "No... it's quits, for good".
willing Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 it's too hard to make that decision on your own... you hope for the best but accept the worst... and they are the ones you put in charge of giving you the answer, the 'yes' or the 'no'... I was just thinking about the above -- where you give your power away to another person to make an important decision that will impact you... giving your power away is not good... it may be 'easiest' because then you can just shrug and say it was out of your hands... the Other person said 'no'... but in reality, it is because you did not want to make that decision. Why is this?
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