Does exposing an affair only push the two cheaters closer together?

[BlueEyedGirl]

I am wondering about this. I mean if one or both of spouses knew that they were being cheated on, wouldn't they make things unpleasant for MW or MM cheaters (assuming they are both married)? And if things are unpleasant at home won't the cheater just run to their affair partner and cry "poor me" etc and bond even more?

[Bluebird In My Heart]

I am wondering about this. I mean if one or both of spouses knew that they were being cheated on, wouldn't they make things unpleasant for MW or MM cheaters (assuming they are both married)? And if things are unpleasant at home won't the cheater just run to their affair partner and cry "poor me" etc and bond even more?

 

That's a good thought exercise.

 

Sometimes, after the affair is exposed, the two affair partners do still talk, and I am sure they speak of what happened and bond to a degree over it - I just cannot see the bond lasting or really meaning much when all is said and done, however.

 

Would they end up together? Sure they could, happens every day.

 

I think it is unlikely for most, for many reasons...not the least of which there's four people in the scenario, each with four different agendas, complicating factors, ect.

[bentnotbroken]

Not in the case of Mr. Messy and ow. In short explosion that neither survived and the A....a thing of the past.

[noforgiveness]

When exposed the affair goes from a beautiful fantasy and the fun and excitement of sneaking off together to a crash landing into the real world of real families and real children getting hurt. It's not fun and games anymore it is real life they are hurting. The affair becomes something to be ashamed of instead of oh were so in love. The affair partner often beomes and object of disgust. They become the person who knowingly helped them to hurt their children.

[grogster]

When exposed the affair goes from a beautiful fantasy and the fun and excitement of sneaking off together to a crash landing into the real world of real families and real children getting hurt. It's not fun and games anymore it is real life they are hurting. The affair becomes something to be ashamed of instead of oh were so in love. The affair partner often beomes and object of disgust. They become the person who knowingly helped them to hurt their children.

 

 

Having been there and lived through all that, the above is very, very true.

[whichwayisup]

Have to ask, are you thinking of telling on them or something?

[Spark1111]

I am wondering about this. I mean if one or both of spouses knew that they were being cheated on, wouldn't they make things unpleasant for MW or MM cheaters (assuming they are both married)? And if things are unpleasant at home won't the cheater just run to their affair partner and cry "poor me" etc and bond even more?

 

Affairs thrive in secrecy. It is a big part of what makes the fantasy sooooo exciting. When reality comes crashing in on DDay, yes it can cause a strengthening of the bond between the lovers, but usually, not for long.

 

Finally faced with the devastating consequences of their actions, namely real spouses, children and families in pain, plus the total withdrawal of respect, a heavy dose of shame, and fear they are about to lose it all, --all, but the affair partner, most experts agree it is one of the very best things to do....IF you want to salvage your relationship with the wandering spouse.

[BlueEyedGirl]

Have to ask, are you thinking of telling on them or something?

 

Not really WWIU - I still think it's not my place to tell. I met MW's husband and their 4 kids. H is stay at home dad and such a lovely and decent guy. It just made me sad knowing that he is deceived and betrayed every single day. I think that after death and serious physical illness, affairs are probably the most painful thing that can ever happen to a marriage.

 

My friend that knows of the affair is seriously considering telling him after meeting the guy. The only thing she is worried about is that instead of ending the affair it might cause them to actually leave their families (with little kids) to be together and she certainly doesn't want that. She asked for my advice and I wasn't sure what to tell her.

[LucreziaBorgia]

A good deal of people who are exposed are scared sh*tless of losing everything and will distance themselves as much as possible from the OP. At least until things blow over and they feel secure again. Then they start fishing...

[joybean72]

I know in my case it actually probably did push them together. I was just getting over the first OW when I found out about the second one & lord knows how long that was going on! He is living with her our divorce is finally finished and now he's texting me & wanting me to be his friend. (NO freakin' way!) He is basically using this OW...he says he's not going to marry her because she has 3 kids that scream & cry all day long, that they are like "roommates"...(To which I told him I could relate because I was his "roommate" for 7 years! lol) I'm not saying this to make any of you OW on here feel bad...Just giving you a glimps of what my reality was/is with my ex husband. He's an opportunist, a user, and a narcissist. I have no desire to be friends with him and on top of that, I wouldn't think the OW would want me to be his friend.

[bentnotbroken]

I know in my case it actually probably did push them together. I was just getting over the first OW when I found out about the second one & lord knows how long that was going on! He is living with her our divorce is finally finished and now he's texting me & wanting me to be his friend. (NO freakin' way!) He is basically using this OW...he says he's not going to marry her because she has 3 kids that scream & cry all day long, that they are like "roommates"...(To which I told him I could relate because I was his "roommate" for 7 years! lol) I'm not saying this to make any of you OW on here feel bad...Just giving you a glimps of what my reality was/is with my ex husband. He's an opportunist, a user, and a narcissist. I have no desire to be friends with him and on top of that, I wouldn't think the OW would want me to be his friend.

 

 

Steer clear of that toxic dump. It's trying to reach out and grab you:D I wonder why they always want us as friends but we were such horrible wives that they had to f-around and couldn't deal with us. But we are good friend material:lmao: If I screwed my friend over, I would be afraid they had a nice little can of whoop @$$ waiting around to open on me.

[White Flower]

Steer clear of that toxic dump. It's trying to reach out and grab you:D I wonder why they always want us as friends but we were such horrible wives that they had to f-around and couldn't deal with us. But we are good friend material:lmao: If I screwed my friend over, I would be afraid they had a nice little can of whoop @$$ waiting around to open on me.

I wonder if they figure if you forgive them eventually they can get back together with you again and start cheating all over again. I think serial cheaters have figured this out and find someone very 'understanding and forgiving' so they can continue their lifestyle.

[bentnotbroken]

Oh they have been forgiven. I needed to do that for my own healing and blessings. But forgiveness doesn't mean my brain stopped functioning, it just means my heart stopped breaking. They aren't in contact from what I understand. She is a little too out there for him too now. I think he sees he has lost a lot, especially with the kids. But you know NPD personalities, they will eventually find another soul to suck dry, just like vampires. But I got a cross around my neck and garlic breath.:lmao:

[whichwayisup]

Blue, the MM and MW that you're talking about, are they the ones from work?

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

On the other side of the coin, as an OW, there's nothing the BS will do that would drive me and the MM together. Our feelings are very strong for each other, and still growing yet he is making the decision about his marriage based on his feelings for her, not for me.

 

We do not have all these wonderful plans to be together after all is said and done, if he ends up leaving her. We know it can easily crash and burn in six months to a year. He's very analytical and logical that way.

 

We still work together, and plan on being friends, and lovers, but we can't make our relationship known or even make plans beyond a year from now. We both know that coming out of a marriage is a huge life changing event and it takes time to feel normal again. I would know.

 

I also know he has other live-decisions to make such as wanting kids of his own someday. I can't have anymore and I'm 43 (he is 32).

[Ariadne]

I am wondering about this. I mean if one or both of spouses knew that they were being cheated on, wouldn't they make things unpleasant for MW or MM cheaters (assuming they are both married)? And if things are unpleasant at home won't the cheater just run to their affair partner and cry "poor me" etc and bond even more?

 

When I had the affair with the MM and the wife found out, the only thing that happened was that we slowed things down a bit till she calmed down.

 

He had to give her TLC and seem serious about it.

 

Then it was back to the same thing.

[noforgiveness]

When I had the affair with the MM and the wife found out, the only thing that happened was that we slowed things down a bit till she calmed down.

 

He had to give her TLC and seem serious about it.

 

Then it was back to the same thing.

 

 

How does this work? How do you convince yourself that this is ok? You can not be in denial anymore. You know there is a real woman with real feelings, you know he is basically apologizing and begging her to stay married to him so why would you continue? After a dday you can no longer tell yourself he is in a miserable marriage and going to leave since he begs to stay so how do YOU justify continuing? It just seems so pathetic.

[Ariadne]

You know there is a real woman with real feelings, you know he is basically apologizing and begging her to stay married to him so why would you continue?

 

Oh, because I loved him and I wanted him to get divorced and marry me.

[noforgiveness]

Oh, because I loved him and I wanted him to get divorced and marry me.

 

 

If that were his intentions though wouldn't a dday be the perfect time for him to leave the marriage?

[Ariadne]

If that were his intentions though wouldn't a dday be the perfect time for him to leave the marriage?

 

Well, I gave him one year. Then I was out of there.

[imani]

I've seen a situation where the affair was exposed to the married partner and work staff (they were coworkers) and neither lost anything from it. The affair keep going, one affair participant got a raise and the marriage didn't crash (even when the spouse found out). People knowing about their affair didn't hurt a marriage and even furthered their careers. So with this example, it would be wise for your friend not to out them. It won't change anything because in my opinion affairs are more accepted and expected in today's society. There doesn't seem to be any consequences these people have to endure professionally or personally.

 

I'd just stay away from the drama, and make sure none of it affects YOU and YOUR CAREER. I hate to sund like a broken record, but seriously - she won't gain anything by putting them on blast.

 

And for all your friend knows, maybe your boss and his coworker have open marriages where their spouses allow such activities. I don't advocate any of this, but I've just learned from other's example. Let adulterers keep their own company and stay clear of them. Don't try to help them to do the right thing because you won't win.

[Owl]

Typically exposure creates a wedge between affair partners.

 

The BS begins suffering true consequences for the affair. They start seeing REAL life impacts to their choices. They start to truly understand what the likely outcomes of having an affair are...potential loss of family/friends/job/home/etc... Odds are, even if the affair partners had talked about this, it never truly "sinks in" until this point.

 

The OW/OM now aren't just dealing with the affair relationship, they're suddenly dealing with the affair partner who is suffering the potential loss of their entire world. And this most often happens BEFORE anyone is truly prepared to deal with this outcome.

 

It's rough...on everyone involved. But, it typically is the best weapon that the BS has against the affair, which is why you see it done so often.

[2sure]

From my own experiences and from the redundancy of the results Ive read about here...

 

When D-Day comes and the the affair is exposed ...IF it is coupled with consequences that affect the lives of the affair partners ( like having to change jobs/ having to give up all contact and proof of this/ having to find a new home, when faced with divorce, etc) The A stops as soon as reality hits.

 

It either doesn't exist anymore or there is a Divorce. Even with divorce, sadly or not - the A parters rarely end up together.

 

There are a few here who have ended up together but it seems like their affairs were not as typical as most.

[ednadean]

have to agree with the posters. once the affair is taken out of fantasy, hit real life and has serious financial and emotional and heart wrenching consequences -- all of a sudden -- it's not so fun any more -- and quite often it ends -- if the OP will take the person in the affair back.

 

affairs are fantasy for the most part -- removed from real life.

[jany]

I agree with most of the comments here. Have been reading all about infidelity, etc and it seems like A do thrive of secrecy and most cheaters don't want to leave their families (too many complications) and I think that once they are exposed, most A do stop. I think that's why some counselors/books advise cheaters to confess to their spouses if they truly want to end the A. I have yet to have the courage to confess. But just telling you what I've learned from books.