Nikki Sahagin Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Hey.....well my ex broke up with me for the second time about 3 weeks ago now, by an email. In the email he said the reasons were that we had caused each other too many problems and too much pain, and he couldn't see past it anymore....all the pain he caused me I'd forgiven...but clearly he couldn't do the same. Also I was trying heart and soul to make us work....but he wasn't. He would never see me fridays or saturdays, take me out, contact was cut short. I also caught him out lying and engaging in disrespectful behaviour. This led me to wonder, if he was ever serious about making us work....or if the damage was done. Because he says one thing (i.e. I love you and care for you, but there's just too much pain) but didn't actually ACTIVELY try to make us better very much, I don't know if what he says is the truth...and so it doesn't give me any closure. The pain is immense because we had such an intense connection and for me that never died down or waned in the two years we were together. When we cuddled I felt the most intense peace, and calm, like we were almost part of each other. And when we were 'together' I felt electric, crazy....and when we got on I felt so fulfilled and life wasn't scary anymore because we were a team together, but when we weren't going well, I felt like i'd lost part of myself, because what I felt for him was so strong, I kind of took him into me. I know its not comparable, but you know the kind of love a mother has for her baby....where the baby is physically part of who she is, and so the connection/anxiety over its well-being is always there, thats how I felt for him - like we were 1 soul split into two bodies or something and so I always worried if he was okay, or happy. I remember before I ever knew him, I walked past him and I had the feeling in my gut 'that guy is going to be important to you someday'. A while later we met at a party. I'm struggling to break free of this 'hold', this connection. Its so intense, and it seems no matter what has happened between us, that connection has never disapeared. I'm scared i'll never feel something that intense, that powerful, that all-encompassing for another person.
TheBigCow Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Hey there. Well before I say anything else.. I get the feeling most people probably won't agree with me and at first it might sound pretty pessimistic but its helped me at least. I understand feeling like the connection is so intense, I felt exactly the same way and even 3 months after my breakup when I saw my ex I could tell that connection was still there for both of us.. and I couldn't comprehend why she didn't want to work on it, because it had brought us both a lot of joy (she left me for someone else btw). So I was also quite scared that I would never find a connection comparable to this one ever again. But now I feel alright about it (not great but ok) and not because all my friends told me "you'll definitely meet someone else and it will be 10x better" ... but instead because I accepted that I might never have that connection again. I don't in any way mean we won't be happy again.. you just need to adjust your expectations. Instead of being scared about getting back what you had, be thankful you had it when you did and then learn to appreciate whatever life throws you from now on it. It sounds like common sense in a way but most people I've talked to don't deep down really accept their circumstances and try and be thankful for what they do have.. mainly because it is incredibly hard. Still.. that connection might come back.. especially to someone with as caring a heart as you obviously have
kizik Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Nikki, I know this guy is your "first", and first loves are always amazing, electric, etc. because you have nothing to compare them to. If I recall correctly, you're twenty years old. Young enough to be devastated and think you'll never connect with someone again. What you're failing to realize is that if this WAS true love, he wouldn't have left you, he would have wanted to work it out. I am guessing the large part of your agony is losing your first. The thing you fail to see is that at 20, you haven't even lived, you can't see past what's right in front of you. I'm 25 so it's not like I think I know everything; however I DO know that there will be more heartbreak, love, friendship, excitement; and that your ex is not the one for you, anyway, based upon his actions. It's so sad to see you pining for someone who clearly could care less about you as a person in this point in time. I don't doubt that the two of you were once in "love," but again, I question the validity of that love based upon your inexperience and his selfishness. DON'T make this the end of the world. In a few years you'll be in a better frame of mind (with or without a new guy) and you'll look back at your misery over this douchebag and you'll wonder what you ever saw in him anyway. Mark my words, it's how it always happens.
notalone Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Nikki, If Kizik is right and you are only 20, then you should listen to everything he said. I am 26 and believe me, lot of things change in six years. You haven't even started living. Love will come again, so will heartbreak (hopefully not though). In a few years time, you will look back and all this what you are feeling now will only be a part of your memory...not your entire existence. Believe it or not, you will have feel 'connections' to other men eventually. Those won't be the same as what you had with your ex, but will be wonderful in their own ways and equally fulfilling. At least be grateful that you are nowhere near having to worry about growing old alone (that will be me!). hugs.
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted May 26, 2009 Author Posted May 26, 2009 Thanks guys for replying - your help is genuinely priceless I haven't really been pining, i've been doing well overall. I feel strong, confident etc. I suppose I just have this idealised notion of the first being the last - but I need to snap out of that. Its weird that since we've broken up loads of guys have shown interest in me, and the ego boost is helpful I've been spending a lot of time with male friends, enjoying male company without anything sexual or complicated; enjoying the connections and sparks of friendships, and thats a great help. Thanks for your replies
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