I must have a sign on my forehead...the regulars may be amused

May 25, 2009

KG, this isn't the Universe's doing. You're doing it to yourself.

Fair enough to say that you had a first date, not knowing he was married. But that you would consider seeing him platonically or otherwise, after you knew he was married shows you're not very far along in your progress. That's not a judgement about you being a bad person, but you are still making some catastrophically bad choices.

And trust me, I'm no prude, but it's alarming to me that you're still dwelling on the "soft kisses" you shared with that snake. Your old posts often showed an exhibitionist side, where you wrote vividly about sexual encounters with your xMM. Why is it that you need so much outside validation for your sexuality? It seems to me that it's your achilles heel. For as long as you need proof that you're sexy, you'll keep mistaking inappropriate sexual attention as a compliment.

As jj33 said, this was a test and you didn't pass. Back to affair school 101 for you young lady!

May 25, 2009

Focus ALL this energy into studying. I know you're lonely and all, but right now you're in no shape to be in any kind of relationship.

May 25, 2009

KG, this isn't the Universe's doing. You're doing it to yourself.

Fair enough to say that you had a first date, not knowing he was married. But that you would consider seeing him platonically or otherwise, after you knew he was married shows you're not very far along in your progress. That's not a judgement about you being a bad person, but you are still making some catastrophically bad choices.

And trust me, I'm no prude, but it's alarming to me that you're still dwelling on the "soft kisses" you shared with that snake. Your old posts often showed an exhibitionist side, where you wrote vividly about sexual encounters with your xMM. Why is it that you need so much outside validation for your sexuality? It seems to me that it's your achilles heel. For as long as you need proof that you're sexy, you'll keep mistaking inappropriate sexual attention as a compliment.

As jj33 said, this was a test and you didn't pass. Back to affair school 101 for you young lady!

Bah! I failed the quiz, or one test, haven't failed the whole class yet!

Anyway I did rather like him and am tempted to see him again but won't. Told him that today after getting my head kicked in over here. I'll readily admit I'm still a tad emotionally fragile so perhaps all my decision making isnt the best but Im one of millions to do the same thing and I could be doing alot worse. One kiss, and yes i admit it was nice, and after not kissing anyone in a while it was nice, and i didnt know he was married when he did that, but now i do so i told him to get his sh*t together and get a D and then I'd consider talking to him.

I have so much to do it shouldnt be too hard to stay away....it was a holiday weekend so was mildly less busy/open to distraction and dates this past week but otherwise i've been studying and working and seeing the occasional friend and family but thats it. And am still going to Cali with a girlfriend for a week next month which should be good for clearing the head a little bit.

May 25, 2009

KG there is something wrong with his story (not that this will deter you). But its wrong. When you marry, you are eligible for a green card. When you have a green card you can work. So if hes married, why doesnt he have a green card? Why cant he work?

He may be hesitant about divorcing and losing the green card but that is another story.

These users are attracted to you. You are beautiful, you are lonely you are going to be a doctor (they smell another meal ticket).

You have to be married two years before you get a permant green card... How long have they been married? Why is he not working? He does have a wok permit, if he is married...

May 25, 2009

Same difference. Hes eligible for a green card and he is able to work.

The other thing is hes got to be a mental midget to go to the govt for advice on what he can do if he leaves his W - why tip them off that he may be leaving her if hes been married less than 2 years...

He should be going to an immigration lawyer.

I agree 100%, he would be tipping them off,,, Lie? I think so

May 25, 2009

You have to be married two years before you get a permant green card... How long have they been married? Why is he not working? He does have a wok permit, if he is married...

They have been married officially for less than one year.

He said there was some issue with getting a social security or taxID number or some such thing to be able to work. i forget exactly. He said he was hired at a marketing company not long ago and offer was rescinded when had problems with some paperwork and thats why he's trying to fix all that right now, that they said it would take up to 180 days to fix something or other. Something to do with he waited too long to do something with a medical exam for the application and something something i dont know it was complicated and i didnt pay attention to all of it.

Either way...

May 25, 2009

KG the bottom line is its a bad story. Even if it were all true (which would defy common sense... people who are getting visas are generally VERY careful to make sure they do what they have to do so nothing goes wrong) it would mean he were a TOTAL LOSER: (1) he used his W (like hte last one) and (2) he diddnt have it together enough to make sure he got his visa done properly.

The bottom line is he is married. And go back and read WS's words again. I agree with you a peck on the cheek is not the end of the world if you assumed he was single, but you do have a huge need to prove your sexuality.

If you want to do something casual do it with someone whos not married.

And spend some time figuring out what you really want long term, how you might get off the meds and really take care of yourself mentally and emotionally.

May 25, 2009

KG the bottom line is its a bad story. Even if it were all true (which would defy common sense... people who are getting visas are generally VERY careful to make sure they do what they have to do so nothing goes wrong) it would mean he were a TOTAL LOSER: (1) he used his W (like hte last one) and (2) he diddnt have it together enough to make sure he got his visa done properly.

The bottom line is he is married. And go back and read WS's words again. I agree with you a peck on the cheek is not the end of the world if you assumed he was single, but you do have a huge need to prove your sexuality.

If you want to do something casual do it with someone whos not married.

And spend some time figuring out what you really want long term, how you might get off the meds and really take care of yourself mentally and emotionally.

yeah...he is quite young. Younger than me. And men mature slower I think, so really its like he's a good 5 years younger than me, even though years wise he's 25. Jumped into marriage and wasn't careful about it I guess.

Either way its not my problem suppose. Dont feel a need to justify anything with sex, haven't slept with anyone since MM. I dont find a kiss on a date to be a big deal.

Not taking any meds anymore except occasionally ambien to help sleep as ive got terribly bad insomnia and trying to get into better sleeping patter so i can be rested before my exam in july. actually feel better mentally than i have in ages, probably due to not having MM around, even if I do miss him alot.

May 25, 2009

Jumped into marriage and wasn't careful about it I guess.

Well, he married for the wrong reasons - He married to stay in the Country and get a greencard. Reguardless - He's still married.

May 25, 2009

Thats great KG. You had said you were on all sorts of antidepression meds so I am glad you are doing better.

If you trust yourself to just be friends with him, thats one thing. But no matter how soft his kisses are he doesnt sound like a keeper for anything. Hes married and even if he werent he lacks integrity

I think As are instructive actually insofar as if you are having casual sex with someone who is single and you develop feelings and they dont, it ends. If you are in an A, and you develop feelings it doesnt necessarily end. There is that built in excuse (hes married of course he cant just up and leave).

Im glad you are feeling better. But be gentle with yourself. A casual fling may not be just what you need with anyone right now.

May 25, 2009

There's no point in ANY kind of friendship - Not only because they kissed, but because there was chemistry felt, and he is interested in her.

May 25, 2009

Hi KG!

OK, IF you wish to continue seeing this guy HE MUST provide two things:

1) Divorce papers. At least filed at the court. Hey, I'm simply waiting on my D to be done so I'M technically married still. Sucks being in this dating limbo lemme tell you. What I can offer is the ability for her to call anytime or drop by anytime unannounced. Which leads to number two.

2) The ability to call any number at anytime or drop by anytime unannounced.

If he fails to meet BOTH - run, run, run away.

I can almost relate to this guy IF he is in fact getting out and waiting for red tape.

Except...that isn't the case KG...and we BOTH know it.

May 25, 2009

Good point WWIU - its a minefield. And hes not a good guy anyway. It will only lead to more drama.

May 26, 2009

Hi KG!

OK, IF you wish to continue seeing this guy HE MUST provide two things:

1) Divorce papers. At least filed at the court. Hey, I'm simply waiting on my D to be done so I'M technically married still. Sucks being in this dating limbo lemme tell you. What I can offer is the ability for her to call anytime or drop by anytime unannounced. Which leads to number two.

2) The ability to call any number at anytime or drop by anytime unannounced.

If he fails to meet BOTH - run, run, run away.

I can almost relate to this guy IF he is in fact getting out and waiting for red tape.

Except...that isn't the case KG...and we BOTH know it.

Hi JW!

Yes I told him both those things. Said I had no intention of sneaking around like i did in the A with xMM.

This new one, let's call him MM2 for clarification lol, but anyway he has already offered me to go speak to his wife or to make an introduction so I can see for myself that the relationship is over in every way but for the "complications" he has mentioned. I feel a little odd going to talk to her though, and to be honest, even if it is "over" in one way or another I doubt she'll be happy to know he's interested in someone new. Even when you have a break up thats mutual i think sometimes people say they don't care that someone dates someone new, but don't often mean it.

i said that to him last time I saw him, that even though his wife may say "fine i am allowed to date, and you can do whatever you like as well" doesnt mean she means it....women can be finicky....I told him I suspected she was testing to see if he would do it or not. The way she was yelling at him on the phone just seems to be the anger of someone who still cares for the person they are yelling at. He insists that despite her inner-intentions, he is done with her emotinally and wants no part of the marriage but that's neither here nor there....

So yeah, I've told him that the two points you made above were necessary. I want him in his own place, with his own life, and no restrictions or sneaking around, and that the only way I would feel comfortable dating is if he was D or has filed for such. I also did tell him I just got out of that situation with xMM, and that I didnt have the emotional strength to be in any relationship, and I didnt mind dating people slowly, casually, to enjoy someone's company, but that even if he did get all those other ducks in a row I would be very slow about progression of things.

Oh well, he seems to be persistant, even though i told him we can't do this in his current situation. He's keeping distance but left me email saying something about me really struck him and he swears this isn't some rebound attempt on his part and he'll prove to me he is serious about getting his crap together and etc etc.

I guess we'll see. I will never, ever do the sneaking around crap I had to endure in the last A, I'll tell you that. Never. That was the worst thing ever.

May 26, 2009

NEXT

Forget about him.

Don't email him or text him until/if he gets his life together.

May 26, 2009

KismetGirl, as a former immigrant in U.S. I can tell you this, he is 100% in no position for dating.

Yes, you do need social security number in U.S. to work. Usually company doesn't like to hire someone and have to pay big $$$s to apply the Visa for someone unless that person is very talented with his/her job.

Judge by what you post above, since he is still VERY newly wedded, he probably only have working permit for now. It will take at least 1-2 years to get a Temporary Green Card. And during this time, he definitely CAN NOT get a divorce, otherwise he WILL loose his status in U.S.

Also during this time if the marriage is a fraud and he get caught, you can count on the consequence.

And to get a permanent Green Card, it will probably take at least 4-5 years. And during that time, any immigration lawyer will tell you unless you have very good prove (ie abuse, went through marriage consulting) otherwise they'll advice you not to get divorce.

Since this guy he sounds like he really want to stay in U.S. I will really wonder why he want to jeperdise all the troubles and to prove to you his marriage doesn't work? Unless he is in a very last phase of getting the Green Card.

May 26, 2009

The smart thing to do is stay away but it does not seem like you will take that route so it is best that you call him on your bluff. Next time you two are together ask him to call her right there and make him do it. If he squirms then run. Do it then and don't give him a heads up about it. If the guy is a cheater who knows what he can come up with.

May 26, 2009

Does anyone else not think that the fact that he argued with his wife on the phone during the date is :sick: and a TOTAL turnoff?

That alone would ruin any charm IMO.

KismetGirl- I would drop this one like a HOT potato.

Nothing but more angst and drama in this one.

May 26, 2009

KismetGirl, as a former immigrant in U.S. I can tell you this, he is 100% in no position for dating.

Yes, you do need social security number in U.S. to work. Usually company doesn't like to hire someone and have to pay big $$$s to apply the Visa for someone unless that person is very talented with his/her job.

Judge by what you post above, since he is still VERY newly wedded, he probably only have working permit for now. It will take at least 1-2 years to get a Temporary Green Card. And during this time, he definitely CAN NOT get a divorce, otherwise he WILL loose his status in U.S.
Also during this time if the marriage is a fraud and he get caught, you can count on the consequence.

And to get a permanent Green Card, it will probably take at least 4-5 years. And during that time, any immigration lawyer will tell you unless you have very good prove (ie abuse, went through marriage consulting) otherwise they'll advice you not to get divorce.

Since this guy he sounds like he really want to stay in U.S. I will really wonder why he want to jeperdise all the troubles and to prove to you his marriage doesn't work? Unless he is in a very last phase of getting the Green Card.

Yes he only has a work permit right now he hasn't been married long enough to get a green card. He tried to explain to me that there was some problem with something in the application and he wasn't given a SS number yet which is why he cant get a job, no one will legally hire him without one to pay him, obviously.

According to him he doesnt want to be married, feels he made a mistake, but does want to stay here. He wants to remain friendly with his wife but states all tey do is fight right now and she threatens to kick him out and get him deported. I dunno. Like I said, according to the way she was yelling at him on the phone, it seems to be, as another woman listening, that she isn't quite over the dissolution of the marriage as he is. She kept asking him on the phone why he thinks the marriage has disintgrated and what went wrong and he kept telling her he didnt want to discuss it again and not now and that he's had this conversation with her a million times and didnt want to do it again and that it was just over, it just didnt work, they just werent as good a match as they had thought. I mean, they are young and did rush things...I cant even imagine being married right now and Im 27. He is only 25 and his wife is like 23.

I told him he's probably too emotional (as am I) to be even considering any kind of dating right now but he told me he disagrees. I dont know. *sigh* Told him not to bother calling me until his stuff was straightened out but he's insistant on emailing me anyway.

May 26, 2009

He's keeping distance but left me email saying something about me really struck him and he swears this isn't some rebound attempt on his part and he'll prove to me he is serious about getting his crap together and etc etc.

I'm sure it feels good to know that he feels something for you - But, he may be your rebound.. You don't need drama right now. You're still healing and getting over exMM, why even think about going down this road? Even if he divorces and finds his own place, let's say a year from now, will you still be interested in this guy? ALOT can change in between, so yeah, keep your distance from him...

May 26, 2009

Does anyone else not think that the fact that he argued with his wife on the phone during the date is :sick: and a TOTAL turnoff?

That alone would ruin any charm IMO.

KismetGirl- I would drop this one like a HOT potato.

Nothing but more angst and drama in this one.

Yeah I wasn't thrilled. He didnt answer the phone at first but i picked up the phone and gave it to him and told him to answer it. I wantd to see what he would say in front of me.

After he hung up she kept calling back , calling him some insult when he said he didn't want to discuss the same thing over and over, and then hanging up on him. She did that like three times.

Im inclined to agree with you on that one....dont need the drama. And I wont have it trust me. IF he comes to me in a few months and proves he's divorcing and has his own place and etc then maybe I would consider a casual dating scenario, but not before then. Told him I don't need any more dates with a wife screaming on the phone.

I have other things to worry about ....like my test and applying to schools.

May 26, 2009

Doesn't it seem like a big red flag that he has the capacity to marry for a green card? He's a user, KG!

Don't you want the peace of mind knowing someone is with you for you?

May 26, 2009

He won't be ready for any relationship for a long time until he straight out his status in U.S.

And I agree with whichwayisup, you don't need this drama! Maybe you feel sorry for him but this is not something you should get involve, not even being friend IMO.

Forget about him, don't answer his email I'm sure after awhile he will stop emailing you.

And yes, you do need to focus on yourself!

May 26, 2009

Yeah I wasn't thrilled. He didnt answer the phone at first but i picked up the phone and gave it to him and told him to answer it. I wantd to see what he would say in front of me.

After he hung up she kept calling back , calling him some insult when he said he didn't want to discuss the same thing over and over, and then hanging up on him. She did that like three times.

Im inclined to agree with you on that one....dont need the drama. And I wont have it trust me. IF he comes to me in a few months and proves he's divorcing and has his own place and etc then maybe I would consider a casual dating scenario, but not before then. Told him I don't need any more dates with a wife screaming on the phone.

I have other things to worry about ....like my test and applying to schools.

One day he could treat you the same way he treats her. When someone shows you who they are, BELIEVE THEM.

He has no integrity. Please don't be flattered by his charm.

May 26, 2009

Doesn't it seem like a big red flag that he has the capacity to marry for a green card? He's a user, KG!

Don't you want the peace of mind knowing someone is with you for you?

Excellent point Wild!

I missed that completely ( I guess I was feeling too empathetic with him).

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