ebedmelech Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 After 23 years of marriage I am being handed the song and dance routine of, " I am not happy, and I want a divorce", by my husband. I did the usual things the innocent spouse does..you know cry, and see if we can work it out. When I would try to discuss the issues and suggest we work it out... he would get extremely angry, and sometimes yell "I don't want to work it out, I don't want to work it out !!!" He yelled so loud, I am sure some of you in this forum heard him ! Needless to say we are not working it out. He has put me on a one way rocket ship trip, soaring at 185,000,00 miles per hour, out of our marriage. He has started filing for the divorce and is moving out this coming Tuesday and Wedsday. All I know is this... it feels more painful than when my mother died. Sometimes the pain gets so intense, I really do want to die. The situation is frustrating, and my heart has an ache that won't stop, and I am plagued by the thought of his new ladylove. Excuse me please, but can someone show me where the delete button is on my life? Ever since I left my mother's womb, life has been a great big ball of misery. Pardon my typos
sugarmomma Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 I heard him loud and clear. It is not the end of the world and lousy men leave women who have been faithful and loving for many years all the time. It reallyis sad because you are forced to start a new life when he has already done so. This is an opportunity for you to take control of your happiness (you know that's an inside job). Look at it like this. You get a chance to become the woman you have always wanted to be in addition to working on your own issues. You get to live your life any way you like. Make a choice................................HOPE....or DESPAIR. The choice is yours. God Bless him now its time to move forward and live the best life you can. And this too shall pass.
Author ebedmelech Posted May 25, 2009 Author Posted May 25, 2009 You are 100 percent right Sugarmomma. I can't dispute common sense. I won't dispute common sense. But right now I am in a place of grief that is so intense, I am almost immoblized. I just had a crying spell that was straight out of a bad soap opera. I mean I had the uncontrollable shaking, the crying loudly and intensely like a mad woman, not being able to catch my breath. I had it all. All I could do was grab the covers and try to hold myself and pray. I can't imagine how I am going to propel myself forward and live day to day. I wish I was brave enough to commit suicide, but I am not. So I am going to take it a day at a time with the thought that it gets better. I don't know when, but I guess it gets better. Everybody in this forum has made it through, so I guess I can do it too. I have too, I don't have a choice. Thanks for responding. I have to go, I feel a really bad crying spell coming on.
hopesndreams Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Keep crying, scream, let the grief out in the possible way which is in the way of tears. Keep them flowing. They seem to never stop! Then when the pain ebbs, and the tears dry up a little, there is a sense of peace and relief. That's what you hang on to until the next bout hits you. Is your H there with you now? When your H is there, in the same house with you, in the same room with you....DO NOT CRY. Show him your strength and that your life will go on without him. You don't want the dirt sandwich, no, no, no....you love YOU more than you love your H. There's lots of living left to do, no one has a crystal ball, whether good or bad....you live through your joys and your agony. That's just the way it is. and I am plagued by the thought of his new ladylove. Don't think about her, she's morally corrupt and doesn't deserve your thoughts. How much do you know about her? If you don't know much about her, keep it that way. The less you know about her the better.
Author ebedmelech Posted May 25, 2009 Author Posted May 25, 2009 Thank you Hopesndreams. That perspective on crying was exactly what I needed to know. Also, you don't have to worry about me crying in front of him. Let me just say...I would rather eat glass than let him see me crying. I go in the bathroom to cry, or when he is not not around. Oh yes___I do have my game face on.
Cali Chris Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 I can understand how you feel, after 13 years with my wife, she also gave me the same routine! The gasping for air, the uncontrollable crying,shaking, I've done it, it's been almost 6 months now , and I still feel like everything is escaping my heart and there is nothing left to breathe...but I'm still here!! I agree let it out, cry, scream do what ever you feel..little by little it does get better, even if it's only a little.. the tears do dry up. Most people here will tell you , start thinking about yourself..it doesnt seem like you can or want to but...you have to!! Like sugarmomma said.. It reallyis sad because you are forced to start a new life when he has already done so. We both didnt want it, but we do have to start ..they have done so already, and there's nowwhere for us to go! Do you, be you, do what you want now!! The most important thing is you, it might take a ahwile but things will get better, .....you ..you ..you.. that's your focus. Theres many here that you can talk to, and will listen. Just let it out ...
KTMRider33 Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 All the advice above is good advice, this forum has helped me so much. I dread to think what would have happened but for the internet. I'm not much further on than you and still dealing with the pain, but little chinks of light are showing through the clouds....they will come for you to, you will hear it a million times but it will get better.....just hang in there and keep posting on here. There are really good people who know how it feels, and have survived to tell the tale.
Gunny376 Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Sometimes life is just to ridiculous to live. I know your in a lot of mental and emotional pain right now ~ but the day is going to come when your going to look back and just laugh at the absurdity of it all? Time That's what it takes is time. Time heals all wounds. What I'm about to post may come off as insensitive ~ but when you get to the other side of it you will understand it? http://davidvanwert.com/stages-of-grief/ There's nothing in this life worth suiciding yourself over. Certainly not another human being, when the world is covered up with only about 6 billion of them. What one will abuse? Another could certainly use! It may be the end of your marriage, buts its not the end of your life. Life is worth living! To its fullest and to its top! There are plenty of people that are worse off than you and I. God has planted many precious things at our feet, we just cannot often see them. But if we look for them we can find them. Hope ~ Floats! Your going through the Five Stages of Grief ~ and your not just grieving over you past, but your present and future. Your grieving over your dreams of the past, present and future. But it comes down to this? What was? Was What is? Is What will be? Will be! Come Hell or damnation! At the end of the day, when it all comes down to it? You've really only two things to worry about! Whether your healthy or sick? If your healthy? You've nothing to worry about? But if your sick? You've still only two things to worry about? Whether your going to live or die? If you live? You've still only got two things to worry about? Whether your going to go to Hell or Heaven? If you go to Heaven? You've got nothing to worry about! And if you go to Hell you'll be so busy saying hello to all your friends ~ it won't make a damn! So pop in a copy of the song "I Will Survive" Get to dancing, smiling, shinnin' and a grinnin, make yourself laugh to keep from crying ~ and make the determination ~ the decision ~ to life your life to its top, to its fullest, for every second that counts. We've only got about 25,0000 days in our life. Make the decision now to start living your 'bucket list' The things you want to do before you kick the bucket! Forget this @sshat! Get busy living your life! Get busy with your life! Either get your happy self busy living ~ or get busy dying! Even if you checked yourself into a psych ward ~ (a good one anyways) they would not allow you to fell self-pity. Your allowed one self pity party per divorce. One and only one. And the time limit is exactly 24 hours! After that? You get Junk-Yard, Pit-Bull Mad and fighting mad and fight for your life! Not to hurt the X, but for your life and your exisitence!
Cali Chris Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 He's right ebedmelech,, gunny's words have rang in my ears over the past months, I know it has for KTMRider33 too. Be strong were all pulling for you and each other!!
sugarmomma Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 You are 100 percent right Sugarmomma. I can't dispute common sense. I won't dispute common sense. But right now I am in a place of grief that is so intense, I am almost immoblized. I just had a crying spell that was straight out of a bad soap opera. I mean I had the uncontrollable shaking, the crying loudly and intensely like a mad woman, not being able to catch my breath. I had it all. All I could do was grab the covers and try to hold myself and pray. I can't imagine how I am going to propel myself forward and live day to day. I wish I was brave enough to commit suicide, but I am not. So I am going to take it a day at a time with the thought that it gets better. I don't know when, but I guess it gets better. Everybody in this forum has made it through, so I guess I can do it too. I have too, I don't have a choice. Thanks for responding. I have to go, I feel a really bad crying spell coming on. My stbxh left me abruptly had me thinking it was something I had done when he had a cheating heart. The bastard didn't even have the nerves to spare me the heartache. His leaving has truly been the best thing that could have happened to me, but you could not have told me that while I was in pain. Divorce will be final 6/4/09. I went through just what you went through. All of it. And 18 months later he was trying to come back and I wouldn't take him back if he was the last man on earth. I realized in all this time that I deserved to be a priority in a man's life not just an option. Just hang in there and be sure to get in touch with your anger. It really isn't as bad as people make it seem. It is a necessary emotion in a situation like this and may help to propel you forward. Get a make over and start working out and make sure you are looking fine as hell everytime he sees you from now on!!! Be good to yourself since you really are all you've got!! Happiness is the best revenge..
Author ebedmelech Posted May 26, 2009 Author Posted May 26, 2009 Thanks everyone for your words of wisdom. I really do feel edified. And, even though my day started out as pretty teary, I did real good the rest of the day. This forum is amazing. You get so much common sense advice, and you really do feel better after you vent. The understanding you all show is priceless. I see a common thread of advice running through the thread... "focus on you" Trust me folks I am. I plan to go back to my pre marriage weight, and I am throwing away all clothes that make look matronly, and dowdy. You guys rock, and you all calm me down. This forum is invaluable. Most of the people I know have not gone through this, so they don't know what to say. Thanks for the support. My husband is taking the modem tommorrow so I won't be able to check in, but I will be back as soon as I get another modem.
KTMRider33 Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Not a lot I can add, stay strong.....he'll get his. But you'll get yours, and yours will be so much sweeter.
felecia Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 I am in a simular boat. My husband left me after 24 years and grown kids. He has always been unfaithful.I have not been perfect either, but when we gave our life to Christ, I thought we were going somewhere. He has left me while I am laid off.In the past he has left me everytime he found a new woman.I always took him back.This time was no different. he was also on drugs and I could not handle that, but i stayed. Now he has moved 100 miles away and always make excuses on why he could not be to our kids funtions.He also called me up to say he has found someone he has dee feelings for and I am not his wife. We are seperated leagally, but got back together before this time. He is staying in some warehouse where he does not have to pay bill but with a lot of women in a buidlng he has to work on.he also is going to church. He finally came a week ago only to tell me he does not love me as a wife.He said this other woman is a friend. He does not want to come back because he said he wont find a job here. God is helping me with this.I am up somedays and down others. He sent his daughters and mother a mothers day card and call, but sent me nothing.He said he had no money.That alone broke my heart. No matter what this man has done to me, I still loved him.I wish I could just get over him, but he was the only man I have been with ,which was all my life. I know I am in denial about him,because he has made it perfectly clear. He also says he is single and can move on.He wants to divorce me to see what he can have with someone else.He thinks God will send him a new woman.I have been to hell and back for this man.I am just tired now.I am not interested in dating yet. I am not like him when it comes to jumping to relationship to another.He thinks what he is doing is fine, since he is suppose to be i church.he feels the lord lead him to that place .Every woman he been with end up dumping him in someway.I have decided to not call him now and put it all in Gods hands.Good luck with you.
Montclair0011 Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 I've been there and survived so you will too because I'm the biggest chicken of them all. Just take deep breaths and be gentle with yourself. You feel like crap and that is normal. Just let it all out. It truly sucks. Remember life is an adventure, and can be interesting and rich even if you are not as happy as you had hoped. Your husband, was no doubt a jerk, although he was your jerk and it hurts to see him become the jerk to another. But, you can't control this so you need to let go. Begging, pleading, or admitting fault does not make them change their mind. Sounds like you already know this, but it bears repeating. Also, they get more abusive as they are leaving so they can feel better about their decision. It's all about them. You deserve better. Go see a lawyer and become knowledgeable about your options. If you can afford it get a shrink and a health club membership. Get self-help books if you can't, but read other things besides those. Try to keep up with current events and movies, etc. It's easy to develop tunnel vision when you are fighting for survival. That can cause some issues later when you are trying to date again and you don't know basic stuff like who ran for president. You don't want to admit on a first date to spending two years rolled up in fetal position crying in your basement. Better to spend a few minutes a day checking out cnn.com or subscribing to the New Yorker and reading a story or two. Also, make some new single friends. Some of your old married friends may not be able to relate to you as well anymore. New single friends can help advise you on how to navigate the single life and upgrade your wardrobe and hairstyle. Keep us posted on your transformation. Eventually you will fell better than you do now. Many many people come out of these things better than they had imagined possible. Lots of people even end up falling in love again with a much nicer person who appreciates them. The more you can do the things that are recommended for healing the better your chances are for a good outcome.
Author ebedmelech Posted May 27, 2009 Author Posted May 27, 2009 OMG !!!!!! Holy Moly !!!!! Tonight my husband is sleeping in his own bed in his own apartment ( pause for mini hysterics and tears) I can not get comfortable in my mind. I fell like a trapped animal in a cage of pain, and I can't get out. I just thought about a song we would listen to, when we would take road trips. Just remembering that song sent me into a quick outburst of tears. As I type these words, even though I am swacked (liquor) the pain is still immense, and my chest feels like there is an eighty pound weight on it. Conversely...I am having these cravings (yes cravings) to sit in a man's lap and let him hold me tight and close, to stroke my back, and tell me it is going to be alright. Indeed, right about now, I could use some male pain killers. The fact that I am having these longings is surprising to me because, I am not a needy, clingy sort of wife. However, one thing for certain, two things for sure... I am never, never, never, never, never, ever, ever, ever, ever, getting married again, neither will I date again. Going through this torturous pain is too much. It is just too-too much. I will never let any man stand on my square with me again. The ONLY person I would marry right now is ME !!! I know I would never lie to myself, cheat on myself,or leave myself. From here on out, the only crush, or falling in love with, is me. You can get cash on that promise. I don't understand how some people, including relationship experts trivialize divorce. This thing is real, and hurts like a big dog !!! (Big Dog=old school colloquial slang meaning immense.)
Author ebedmelech Posted May 27, 2009 Author Posted May 27, 2009 P.S. I know the post above sounds conflicted and confused. It sounds that way because I am conflicted and confused.
KTMRider33 Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 OMG !!!!!! Holy Moly !!!!! Conversely...I am having these cravings (yes cravings) to sit in a man's lap and let him hold me tight and close, to stroke my back, and tell me it is going to be alright. Indeed, right about now, I could use some male pain killers. (Big Dog=old school colloquial slang meaning immense.) Yes, oh yes.....I'm with you there, I'm feeling every ounce of your pain, last night was my stbx wifes first night in her new place. I have longed for some female contact....not sex, just to hold and be held. We have had that physical contact taken away....and as humans we need it. I think that is why so many people rush into rebound relationships. I have been hugging a pillow every night, and one day....some day, not sure how long, I'll be sleeping in the arms of somebody new, breathing in their sweet fragrance, and nuzzling their soft skin. As will you.....YOU, because that's what it all about....not him F**K him. It's hard but you MUST, look after you. Everybodu here is rooting for you, and will cheer when you start to move on.
Cali Chris Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 Ya I feel both of you, ebed and KTM, It's been 6 months for me and feel the same way... We have to work on ourseleves, period. We will all get through this! We have to root for one another, but we have to do it for ourselves!!
sugarmomma Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 Ebed, The pain will subside but you have to put down the liquor. Liquor has a way of prolonging emotional pain. The only way out is through. You can't go around this experience. Believe me it will get easier. What you believe will become your reality. Its been around 18 months for me and I tried to use sex and other things to buffer my pain but they didn't work. Whatever you do, don't make the drinking too much of a habit. I don't want to see you on the addiction forum:) This too shall pass
Gunny376 Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 Chill! Its not the end of your life ~ just the end of your marriage! I made it through the end of a couple of banna~wars. a Gulf War, Twenty years in the Marines you can make it through this @zzhat! Go tell him to go pound sand in his @ZZ! Forgot to add a dozen or so hurricanes or typhoons! Don't FORGET the RUM!
tilly4770 Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 im sorry to here what your going through. my situation is similar. he cheated, lied and spent our money on women on the computer. men really do stink
ALOHAGIRL Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 I hope that my reply does not sound too harsh. It is with love that i take time to try to give you wisdom. Love yourself first.do not love anyone who does not love you. Stay away from people who do not love you. TheY are like poison to your soul. You are in the midst of a storm. Storms are destructive but when its over the sun comes out and it a beautiful day. You must now clean out your heart of negative thoughts. You now have the opportunity to pray for a loving husband is capable of appreciating you. I know you are a good person just from reading your letter. I have been though this before not once but 3 times. No i am not elizabeth taylor:d. Take each day as a stepping stone to meeting a nice person who came make you smile and feel like living a glorious life. Reach down into your spirit. Whatever your faith is have faith in yourself. This too will pass.
Jackie-Jhonson Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 I am sorry to hear your story. Relationship can end from many reasons but only you know why your marriage is ending right now! Crying and panic don't help much here, you have to be strong and prove your husband he made the wrong decision!
2sure Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 Just another piece of crap that life hands out at a moments notice. Nothing you can be prepared for, the rug can be pulled from beneath you at any time. And it hurts like hell. There is no pain like heartbreak. There is no pain like not trusting yourself. Keep breathing. It passes, I can promise you. I wish you were right here in my home with me. I would hug you and tell you that everything is going to be ok. Keep posting. Because we care, we really do, and so many here have stood in your shoes.
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