Chef Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Hey everyone. This topic didn't really apparentely work in Second Chances, though I guess it's not really about a second chance. Anyways, i'm here with you all today because honestyl I don't know many compassionate people to turn around and ask, what with my job (see username) and considering all of my friends and co-workers are about as compassionate as a cigarette butt flattened on the road. Here's the backstory. I'm 21 and she's 19. We met last June over the summer working both as lifeguards. My career choice took me elsewhere soon after, but I thank that lingering feeling that came to me in mid-April that year telling me "stay on for a few more months, play this out." Anyways, we started dating, got into a relationship, and eventually fell deeply in love. This was a huge thing for me. I had dated many and said "love" to girls before, but never like it meant when I said it to this one. This coming from "mr. tough guy chef," she actually made my heart flutter and my stomach turn every time I was with her, every time I saw her, and even when I simply heard her voice over a phone call. That feeling still occurs today, even though the worst has happened. Anyways, this past week into next week, I graduate with my culinary degree, and she graduates from high school and will move only 20 miles north for college. She leaves in about 2 or 3 weeks for a summer program at the college she is going to. Nothing too demanding right? Other couples end up going cross country, here we are less than a 30 minute drive away (which is actually only 10 minutes longer than it took to get to her house). We had been going extremely strong up until 4 days ago. I recieve a phone call and she says it's over. We agree to meet up several hours later so she can explain to my face. She says I had scared her and she had fallen out of love with me months ago. I asked her why she never told me so I could fix what I had done wrong and she told me I couldn't. She left and I was extremely confused. We had a small bit of contact the rest of that night when I found out that she decided that she wants me as a friend and that I have become her best friend from all of our past, and when I asked her about it ever working out again, she said "I dunno, I need to get through this. Maybe, just....let me think." So I hold out hope. Anyways, I have been a complete wreck for the past 4 days. Honestly I can't do ANYTHING anymore because we did so much together, everything reminds me of her. I know she is the one for me and I know that I am the one for her. Over the past 4 days I also haven't slept. I close my eyes and I see a terribly haunting thing. I'll get to that in a minute. So over these past 4 restless hours, I have gone back and thought the relationship through day-by-day, hour-by-hour spent together in most cases. I have come to this. Everything was going extremely excellent. We were afraid school was going to hurt us, but it didn't even affect us say for not being able to go day-in-day-out days except on the weekends. However, my mistake was back mid-october, when I was running out of energy from work, school, and doing taekwondo, a sport I did competitively. So I decided to drop taekwondo from that. This may not seem like a big deal to a lot of people. However, taekwondo has become, over the course of my life, the out that I used to dispell anger, aggression, frustration, stress, and sadness that occured in my everyday life. Nothing makes you less angry than having the chance to kick somebody in the face, am I right? Anyways, as a result of this drop, I now had no outs for any of my anger, aggression, etc. So I guess I started creating outs throughout my life in other places. Including yelling....scolding.....being mad all the time during our fights (even if they were few and far between). As a result of that, I needed to find a way to apologize afterwards. She mentioned someday getting married, and suddenly this became my apology. Everytime I was angry or yelled, a little while later, I reminded her that "hey, someday we'll live together, someday will be our wedding day, someday we will have kids." Thinking back, this is a scary, scary proposition to hear every now and then, especially for a girl in high school (no matter her age). These two mistakes combined, I believe is what scared her off. The problem is, it hurts so badly that it came so suddenly, especially when we were going so strong. She had said it hurt for months for her and that she was scared and out of love for a long time, but I wonder why she never told me? Why did she not tell me it was happening so I could check my behavior and myself then and not have this disaster today now that it is too late? Backing up here, like I said earlier, I'm such a wreck I can't sleep because of the haunting images that come into my head whenever I close my eyes. The images of another guy holding her hand. Images of another guy holding her. Images of another guy kissing her. Images of another guy......well......penetrating her. I am aware of the thing that "the receiving end of a break up always has a rough time picturing the person with another," and yes I have experienced it before, but usually only for a few hours until my friends cheer me up after a bad break. This time around, I honestly can't get the images out of my head no matter what I try or who I talk to or anything! It just feels like i'm letting her go and get tainted by another man who isn't even half as deserving, even a hundred times less deserving, and it would hurt to hear that she did that, especially if she eventually does decide to come back to me. So please, how can I fix this? Can I fix this? I am meeting her on tuesday to give her her graduation gift I had already had gotten and planned for her. After that she wants to go NC until she has thought things through, figured out her confusion, and wants to start to talk to me as a friend to begin with. I also have written a close to 6 page letter to her, which i'm still trying to decide if I should give to her on that day. If anybody would like to help me out by looking over the letter and seeing if it would be a good idea to give to her so soon in, please let me know and I will PM it or email it to you
Ayla Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Hey, I was dumped very suddenly too. so I know how you are feeling. Have a look at some of my threads I have commented on or have started. I am more than happy to read your letter if you like. Sometimes it is better to write it but not send it... I think you can send emails on here, but no idea how to... For the moment, just give her some space. Try not to contact her for now ok...
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 There is no fix. Repeat after me: there. is. no. fix. Think about how head over heels you were in love with her in the beginning. You were blind to everyone else, and that feeling of the new was intoxicating and addictive. Now, imagine someone coming up to you and trying to take you away from that. Would you want to be taken away? Would you resist it? That is where she is now. She is in the 'new', and there is nothing that will take her away from it right now. Any attempts to stop the process will be met first with tolerant kindness, then not so tolerant kindness, then no kindness, and then eventually with outright hostility. The more you try, the more she will push you away. I'm sorry, but at this point your only choices are to walk away before it gets further damaged, or stick with trying to win her back and damage it beyond repair. It sucks, but sometimes there is no fix.
robinincarolina Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 The guy above is correct I am afraid. I have been the woman who did the dumping and the more the man pursued, the more aggravated I got. Tried to be nice in the beginning, but eventually had to be down right mean. Its not that I did not care about him. You can't change her mind, only she can do that. You are both young. You will change again and again over the years. The same person you are at 21 is not the same person you will be at 25, 35, and so on.
Joker77 Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Man I've been there. My "ex" just up and flaked out on me out of nowhere. Now that I've had six months to myself, I can see things now that I didn't see before. Although I say she flaked out of nowhere, had I been thinking more clearly, I would have seen it coming a couple of months earlier. The night she broke up with me, she did it via a text message, which I thought was the most cowardly way to go out. It made me absoutely make me hate her. All the feelings of love I had for her before went straight out the window with that one text. When I finally got her on the phone, I told her I deserved better than a text message. She just kept rambling about why she needed out of the relationship and how she couldn't be in a relationship with anyone which was total bs. She just wanted off the phone so she could go out like the coward she was and be with some 42 year old idiot who is still married who she met through a co-worker. I let her have her wish and left it at that. I suggest you do the same.
James1984 Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 As a result of that, I needed to find a way to apologize afterwards. She mentioned someday getting married, and suddenly this became my apology. Everytime I was angry or yelled, a little while later, I reminded her that "hey, someday we'll live together, someday will be our wedding day, someday we will have kids." Thinking back, this is a scary, scary proposition to hear every now and then, especially for a girl in high school (no matter her age). Even though it was her who suggested marrage, once you agreed she felt pressured. This happens in the majority of relationships, someone pushes to get something, and once they've got it they get second thoughts and have to back off. My suggestion is take some time away from her to first get over your pain, then, once she sees that you're happy without her (and this happens nearly every time a woman leaves), she'll be coming back to you. People want what they can't have, and I from experience I reckon once she sees that you're over her and don't care anymore she'll be back. And, the more you insist you don't want her back, the more she'll push for a relationship again. This is where you'll get a choice... 1. Take her back, but be careful not to give her everything on a plate, otherwise she'll become arrogant and leave again, there MUST be a good balance in ALL relationships to work. OR 2. Her wanting to come back will make you remember how much crap she put you through, and you can reject her. However be warned, in these cases people will push and push to get a relationship out of you again. Rubber band effect Chin up anyway, you're through the worst of it now
contax Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Chef I feel you. That tainting part especially. My girl was only with me and I hoped for that for life. Then I left her cause she was hanging with another guy who she is now in a relationship with. We were together for 5 years. She hooked up with him 3 days later. We don't need people like that. She has since gone all the way with him. I don't want her back at all...I have been going no contact and shes been calling me off the hook! Before NC she was saying how sad she was with the new guy. The grass isn't greener. Joker is on point! I respect you. Cause you have gone nc and see it all from a new perspective. Sure my girl was attractive but - she didn't work, had no education and didn't treat me with respect. It's been 1 month of nc, 5 months since the break up....anytime we talked in between - she called me. I'm feeling better - and empowered when I hear people like Joker. Do not put a human at the center of your life! I didn't, but being with someone for 5 years can bring that about...still...I'm good, healing and happy!
Joker77 Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Chef I feel you. That tainting part especially. My girl was only with me and I hoped for that for life. Then I left her cause she was hanging with another guy who she is now in a relationship with. We were together for 5 years. She hooked up with him 3 days later. We don't need people like that. She has since gone all the way with him. I don't want her back at all...I have been going no contact and shes been calling me off the hook! Before NC she was saying how sad she was with the new guy. The grass isn't greener. Joker is on point! I respect you. Cause you have gone nc and see it all from a new perspective. Sure my girl was attractive but - she didn't work, had no education and didn't treat me with respect. It's been 1 month of nc, 5 months since the break up....anytime we talked in between - she called me. I'm feeling better - and empowered when I hear people like Joker. Do not put a human at the center of your life! I didn't, but being with someone for 5 years can bring that about...still...I'm good, healing and happy! I have learned from being alone the past six months to never put someone on a pedistal again. A few days after the break, I joined a gym and have basically lived in it for the past six months. I feel better and look better. I had a mutual friend of mine and the ex tell me the ex asked how I was doing. I told her that she lost the right to know how I was doing and it was none of her business. I would rather be alone than be with someone who was using me as a meal ticket until something else better came along. But I can't blame her because I allowed it. I'm just glad she's someone else's problem now. And if she ever tried coming back? The answer is hell no.
contax Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 I have learned from being alone the past six months to never put someone on a pedistal again. A few days after the break, I joined a gym and have basically lived in it for the past six months. I feel better and look better. I had a mutual friend of mine and the ex tell me the ex asked how I was doing. I told her that she lost the right to know how I was doing and it was none of her business. I would rather be alone than be with someone who was using me as a meal ticket until something else better came along. But I can't blame her because I allowed it. I'm just glad she's someone else's problem now. And if she ever tried coming back? The answer is hell no. See I respect you because you're taking responsibility for your part. You're better than her. You're at a higher standard. It's funny she's askign about you don't know what you've got till it's gone. I too learned not to put anyone on a pedastle. I just came from New York and have a ticket for Europe. My ex never flew out of the country and said she never would cause she has a fear of flying. I'm free and I'm enjoying myself. I'm commited to improvement. In the beggining I was angry, hurt like crazy crying, scared etc...it's all on me though. I'm proud of who I am. I'm 27 and have never cheated on a girl in my whole entire life. I'm healing, not jumping into any rebounds and taking time for myself. I know I will find an incredible girl. Thank God I never had kids, had financial issues, or moved in with her.
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