simon0707 Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Let me just start by saying this: I am a 20 year old male, and have been with my girlfriend for 2 years + (with 5 months broken up inbetween) Recently, we've been having trouble. I think she's very paranoid about me not wanting her since we got back together, and it really bothers me. She's very anal about me not calling her on time, she's ALWAYS asking where I am, who I'm with, when I'm gona be done, etc etc etc...excessively. It's just very frustrating. Also, her parents never really approved of me. I've tried getting to know them but it's hard when people just put up walls. They've said I'm too 'out there' in terms of my type of humor, and it's gotten as bad as my gf telling me to change a bit so I can appeal to them more. And I just don't think it's fair for me to change who I am to be more appealing to anyone. Alas, here comes my main issue. Today I was out with some friends and my friend showed up with his sister Jen(who I've met 4 times before). She saw that I was a bit down in the dumps so asked me what was wrong. After the initial "No, I'm fine", I opened up a bit. Told her the issues with our relationship and she listened and for some reason, kept playing with her hair while I was talking. After maybe 5 minutes of talking, she went back to bowl. About Jen: she's my age, is pretty outgoing, seems like the kind of girl that flirts with lots of guys, and I hate to say it, but I'm attracted to her. Not in a "I wana sleep with you" kinda way, but in a "I wana spend more time with you" kinda way. I'm not cheating on my girlfriend, so don't judge me please. I'm just wondering if this girl likes me, because things have increasingly gotten worse with my current gf, and not just because I met this girl. When I was leaving today, I was saying bye to her and she was like "yeah I'm leaving pretty soon too". Do you think she might have an interest or was she just being nice about the whole thing? She asked me what I was gona do in regards to my relationship and I said I don't know. Please, don't say I'm a cheater. I have never cheated on my girlfriend and never would, I just want to know peoples' opinions on whether the other girl might be interested in me or not. Thank you for reading. Any help would really be appreciated.
SoulSearch_CO Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 LOL - I'm not sure what it matters if this other girl is interested in you. As long as you're still in a relationship with somebody else, it DOESN'T matter. And there is way too little to go on here, to say whether or not she likes you. Regardless of all that - I think it's time to break up with the GF. You're unhappy with her, and rightfully so. If my SO told me I should change who I am, I'd tell them that they need to find somebody that fits their needs better.
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 You are subconsciously mapping onto her what you wish your own girlfriend could be for you. Happens all the time. Best bet? Don't. I would also consider a breakup. Your relationship is on the fast track to crapville even without anyone else involved.
cbreitel Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 You need to separate the two issues. 1. Whether to break up with your gf. 2. Whether, if you are later single, you should pursue this cutie. I say the answer to both questions is yes. At the age of 20, I hadn't yet learned my lesson about dating a girl who was possessive and excessively jealous, so I don't blame you for sticking around this long. But life is too short. Get rid of the clinger. It won't get any easier.
lora22 Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 I say the answer to both questions is yes. At the age of 20, I hadn't yet learned my lesson about dating a girl who was possessive and excessively jealous, so I don't blame you for sticking around this long. But life is too short. Get rid of the clinger. It won't get any easier. Ditto, but with a guy, and ditto on the advice. Second, Jen may not be interested, other than in getting the attention you're giving her. When you started talking to her, a girl you've only met a handful of times, about your girlfriend and relationship problems you sent her a message that said, my relationship is failing and I'm interested in you. That's disrespectful to your girlfriend, and hopefully as you get older you'll learn that for yourself. Get some guy friends to talk to about those things, or at least more established girl friends.
Dru921 Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 It sounds like you are interested in looking outside the box. If you really weren't, why would it matter to you if the girl was interested or not? No, its not cheating, but your fascinated in understanding whether she is into you or not, it could possibly turn out to be cheating regardless of your stand in that you would never cheat on your g/f. Obviously, you are not completely happy, and this girl might just end up filling the void that your current g/f isn't. It slightly seems she could be interested in you or just being flirtatious. But in venting to her, it may have came across a little differently in her eyes. If your girlfriend knew, ofcourse she would be upset. Not saying you should, but if you really thought about it....if you can't tell your g/f you vented to another girl about your relationship...then most likely theres something in your mind that tells you it wasn't right. In regards to the paranoid and excessive questioning, it could be insecurity. I remember myself at a point being like that, in reality I wasn't comfortable with myself so it would be sort of in the terms of "why would he?". Things won't change much in that department until she matures and lives from her experiences. In all honesty, the one thing that never helped me was staying in a relationship that allowed me to act that way. Her insecurity issues are not your problem. And the parent situation, obviously she wants her parents to approve of you because her parents thoughts are important to her. Change for them? No. They aren't in love with you, she is. It doesn't matter how much they like or dislike you, because they are not the ones you are in the relationship for. Obviously, you realize this..but she doesn't because yes, she is probably still young and needs to mature. Personally, I would be out of the relationship...not just for yourself..but for the significant other as well.
Author simon0707 Posted May 25, 2009 Author Posted May 25, 2009 Thank you for all your replies, I really appreciate it. I would break up with her, but two things are stopping me: 1) We have so much history together. She tries so hard to make me happy, she really is an incredible person, I love making her laugh. 2) She would be devastated, and all I would picture in my mind if we do break up is her laugh and then her crying because I broke up with her. She would be completely heartbroken and don't know if she would recover from it.
lora22 Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Your first priority should be yourself and your happiness. The only person that can make your girlfriend truly happy is herself. You're young. You have so much time to "have history" with other people, and to meet other "incredible people." She would be completely heartbroken and don't know if she would recover from it. Trust me, she will.
Author simon0707 Posted May 25, 2009 Author Posted May 25, 2009 Do you think that, by opening up to Jen, I put her in a position of power? They say to make the girl work for it, right? Was my opening up too much too early, indicating that I like her enough to share details about my relationship? Thing is, she seems like the flirty kind of girl, the kind of girl that leads lots of guys on, and with girls like that, isn't it really really hard to get any type of relationship going with them? They always have to be in control, so to counter that, don't I need to maintain my distance and not show her too much early on?
lora22 Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 You're asking for advice on how to get the other girl now? I think that if you want to have a healthy, respectful, mature relationship with a girl, you need to forget about this "power" and "control" bs. Asking how to be the one in "control" and being in the "power position" indicates to me that you just want to play games and mess with her. What is it, exactly, that you're looking for?
Dru921 Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Thank you for all your replies, I really appreciate it. I would break up with her, but two things are stopping me: 1) We have so much history together. She tries so hard to make me happy, she really is an incredible person, I love making her laugh. 2) She would be devastated, and all I would picture in my mind if we do break up is her laugh and then her crying because I broke up with her. She would be completely heartbroken and don't know if she would recover from it. Regardless of how hard she tries, it is still obvious that you aren't completely happy and if she is incredible and you enjoy making her laugh. Sure she may be devastated, it is not really your problem, just because she might get upset shouldn't stop you from thinking of YOU. You cannot make anyone else happy until you are happy. Look at what you stated.... everything is about HER..where do you come in? If you were completely happy with her, you would be exclaiming about how she makes you feel or what she does for you as well.
Author simon0707 Posted May 25, 2009 Author Posted May 25, 2009 I know, but if we do break up, I am still going to miss her immsensily. I don't want to feel that empty again. She makes me feel happy and she's there for me when I need her. You're asking for advice on how to get the other girl now? I think that if you want to have a healthy, respectful, mature relationship with a girl, you need to forget about this "power" and "control" bs. Asking how to be the one in "control" and being in the "power position" indicates to me that you just want to play games and mess with her. What is it, exactly, that you're looking for? Well, I'm saying that 'cause it seems to me like she's the one that always needs to be in control. She's very flirtatious and that's why I don't know if she's interested at all or was just being nice. I mean, yesterday was our first 1 on 1 convo, but we've spoken plenty of times in groups, and we always tease each other and whatnot.
lora22 Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Well, I'm saying that 'cause it seems to me like she's the one that always needs to be in control. She's very flirtatious and that's why I don't know if she's interested at all or was just being nice. I mean, yesterday was our first 1 on 1 convo, but we've spoken plenty of times in groups, and we always tease each other and whatnot. First off, I'm not clear on what makes you think that she "always needs to be in control"? Second, I'm not her so I can't say what her intentions were/are by flirting (if in fact that's what she was doing). In general, if she flirts with everyone (as you say), flirting with you probably doesn't indicate interest. It just means that she enjoys flirting and likes the attention she gets from it. Third, if you're interested in pursuing something with this girl (and it sounds like you are, since you're very interested in whether or not she is interested in you), I strongly encourage you to break things off with your current gf before going down that road. Fourth, I firmly believe that you need to be happy single before you can be happy in a relationship - your happiness shouldn't depend on another person, how someone else makes you feel, etc.
Author simon0707 Posted May 26, 2009 Author Posted May 26, 2009 First off, I'm not clear on what makes you think that she "always needs to be in control"? Well, 'cause she seems like the kind of girl that always has keep her emotions in check. She always hangs out with her brother's friends and she's friends with everyone, so that's somewhat intimidating, which is also another reason I believe i Have next to no chance with her. I'm probably seeing her tomorrow, so I'll try to keep my distance. Girls wana work for it, right? They don't want a guy to be a doormat...or that's what I was told. Third, if you're interested in pursuing something with this girl (and it sounds like you are, since you're very interested in whether or not she is interested in you), I strongly encourage you to break things off with your current gf before going down that road. I know, I wouldn't be that unfair to my girlfriend, it just got me thinking that's all. If things keep going downhill, I will definitely end it with my gf.
lora22 Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 First off, I'm not clear on what makes you think that she "always needs to be in control"? Well, 'cause she seems like the kind of girl that always has keep her emotions in check. Gotcha. Being in control of your emotions doesn't mean that you have to "be in control" of the relationship. I keep my emotions in check, and I think it's a good thing - no guy in his right mind wants to date a crazy emotional girl. When you say she keeps her emotions in check, I'm thinking along the lines of not getting into screaming fights in front of other people, things like that; if you mean she doesn't act like she likes you...well, again, she's probably not "keeping them in check" so much as she just isn't interested in you. She always hangs out with her brother's friends and she's friends with everyone, so that's somewhat intimidating, which is also another reason I believe i Have next to no chance with her. If you feel intimidated by that, I'm sure other guys feel intimidated by that...which means probably fewer guys than you think hit on her...do you see where I'm going with this? I'm probably seeing her tomorrow, so I'll try to keep my distance. Girls wana work for it, right? They don't want a guy to be a doormat...or that's what I was told. If she's not interested, she's not going to "work for it." Why don't you just try to be friends with her until you get your relationship sorted out?
Author simon0707 Posted May 26, 2009 Author Posted May 26, 2009 Why don't you just try to be friends with her until you get your relationship sorted out? Well, won't she put me in the 'friend zone' if I don't show interest of pursuing something with her? If you feel intimidated by that, I'm sure other guys feel intimidated by that...which means probably fewer guys than you think hit on her...do you see where I'm going with this? What do you mean? Well, that's kinda what I was thinking. Which is why I'm trying not to show interest in her because I'm sure a good number of guys have crushes on her. She's that kinda girl. And I don't wana seem too available. But I'm pretty sure the fact that I have a gf means she's not even interested in me.
BCCA Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 I feel like youre trying to find someone else to 'relationship hop' to. You know your current gf is not the one for you, but you dont want to be completely alone until you find someone else, so youre dragging it on until something better comes along. Dont do that. Seperate the two issues: first, you need to end it with your gf, THEN you can go find someone else.
carhill Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Well, won't she put me in the 'friend zone' if I don't show interest of pursuing something with her? Your actions will only provide you with evidence of the decision she has already made Regardless, concentrate on your existing R, whichever direction it is to go. That's the priority.
Author simon0707 Posted May 26, 2009 Author Posted May 26, 2009 I know I need to end it with my current gf, because things aren't getting any better. I just don't wana hurt her. She'll be heartbroken. If it's the right thing to do, I don't know why it hurts soooo much when I think about it.
lora22 Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 I feel like youre trying to find someone else to 'relationship hop' to. That was exactly my first thought on this. BCCA is absolutely right, if you're going to be with your current gf (bad idea), then be with her; don't be planning your next relationship or hook up or whatever while still stringing her along. Way to cause drama for yourself and everyone else involved. It's just disrespectful and messy. If any of my girl friends were telling me about a guy they didn't know well who was flirting with them and spilling his guts to them about his relationship/soon-to-be-ex, I would tell them to stay far, far away from him and the situation - better not to be involved until he works out his relationship issues. That being said, all of my girl friends have matured to the point where they would know this for themselves, I wouldn't need to tell them. It's tough, but you need to be mature about this. Of course, I've been there, done that, and so have my friends - but we have all learned from our experiences (i.e. mistakes, so it's easy for me to say this to you.
lora22 Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 I know I need to end it with my current gf, because things aren't getting any better. I just don't wana hurt her. She'll be heartbroken. If it's the right thing to do, I don't know why it hurts soooo much when I think about it. Trust me, it's hard and sucky, but you'll both get over it, and hopefully you'll both grow from your relationship and experiences.
lora22 Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Well, won't she put me in the 'friend zone' if I don't show interest of pursuing something with her? 1. I can't stress this enough, you need to worry about you first, ending your current relationship second, and then you can think about this other girl, or other girls, etc. 2. I read this study once that we know within like 7 seconds (or something like that, I forget exactly) of meeting someone if we're attracted to them...so most likely you are already in the friend zone (HOPEFULLY she put you there because you have a gf/messy relationship). 3. Doesn't matter if you show you're interested or not, because she's already decided if you're on the friend ladder or the real ladder. Her interest has nothing to do with you showing interest. What do you mean? Well, that's kinda what I was thinking. Which is why I'm trying not to show interest in her because I'm sure a good number of guys have crushes on her. She's that kinda girl. And I don't wana seem too available. But I'm pretty sure the fact that I have a gf means she's not even interested in me. If other guys are also intimidated by her friendships with other guys, do you really think they're pursuing her/hitting on her? They're probably in the same boat as you, where they are too shy/insecure/intimidated to, or think she must already have lots of guys going after her, so they don't. Probably, you think she has way more guys actively pursuing her than she really does. Again, I hope the fact that she knows you have a gf means that she's not interested - for her sake, for your gf's sake, and for your sake. You sound a little inexperienced and like you're trying to figure things out...I hope that this is helping you and you're taking some of our responses to heart.
Author simon0707 Posted May 27, 2009 Author Posted May 27, 2009 We just broke up. I hate myself. I feel like I'm losing my best friend. I just dont feel like I'm ready to be in a relationship. Seeing her cry makes me die inside.
carhill Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 OK, sorry to hear that. Now, take time to heal. Stay away from Jen, for now. True and honest feelings and connections aren't transitory. They evolve
Author simon0707 Posted May 28, 2009 Author Posted May 28, 2009 I just wana go to sleep and not feel anything. I saw Jen today, I was with her brother at the bar and she showed up. Sat next to me, and all of a sudden "So I really wana meet this GF of yours!" and I go "Well, you won't be able to. We broke up". Asked me what happened, etc, seemed really concerned. I really don't know where I stand with this girl. I have no clue.
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