holy Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 I am the other OW and we are both married. There has never been so much love for someone like I have felt for him but lately I am more unhappy than happy but I can't stop this relationship. I want to end it in such a way that I am not the one doing it. I thing we both want one of us to end it but we can't. We have issues because he is so content at home when he claims he is not and he gets mad with me when I go on vacation with my family or do something that may imply that I am having fun. He is allowed but I am not. For 11 years we have gotten to know each other very well and it is quite difficult to break something like that. My story could go for ever and ever after 11 years. I want to end it but I want no pain. How do I kill these feelings that I have for him, how do I stop him from hurting me. How do I do it? If you want to hear my whole story I can tell you more....
2sunny Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 I am the other OW and we are both married. There has never been so much love for someone like I have felt for him but lately I am more unhappy than happy but I can't stop this relationship. I want to end it in such a way that I am not the one doing it. I thing we both want one of us to end it but we can't. We have issues because he is so content at home when he claims he is not and he gets mad with me when I go on vacation with my family or do something that may imply that I am having fun. He is allowed but I am not. For 11 years we have gotten to know each other very well and it is quite difficult to break something like that. My story could go for ever and ever after 11 years. I want to end it but I want no pain. How do I kill these feelings that I have for him, how do I stop him from hurting me. How do I do it? If you want to hear my whole story I can tell you more.... i'm sure more details would be helpful -but i'll tell you what i've got from what you've written: i'm sure after 11 years you're both connected. the only one that you have control over is YOU. YOU have decisions to make and YOUR actions should go along with your decisions. the decision should be made based upon you to stay happy, healthy and safe. if you end it - there will be pain on some level... if there's not - i would be surprised after 11 years of an A. just be ready for the pain and you will need to find ways to distract yourself from it. ultimately - it would be ideal to put that energy back to your husband who deserves it. you stop him from hurting you by NOT wasting any more time or energy on a man that stays with his wife and shows you with his actions that you aren't #1... she is. you set a solid and healthy boundary for yourself and your marriage and you stick to it.
sugarmomma Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 I am the other OW and we are both married. There has never been so much love for someone like I have felt for him but lately I am more unhappy than happy but I can't stop this relationship. I want to end it in such a way that I am not the one doing it. I thing we both want one of us to end it but we can't. We have issues because he is so content at home when he claims he is not and he gets mad with me when I go on vacation with my family or do something that may imply that I am having fun. He is allowed but I am not. For 11 years we have gotten to know each other very well and it is quite difficult to break something like that. My story could go for ever and ever after 11 years. I want to end it but I want no pain. How do I kill these feelings that I have for him, how do I stop him from hurting me. How do I do it? If you want to hear my whole story I can tell you more.... I am not trying to be harsh at all, so please take this with an open mind. You may want to try to thik about the other people being hurt directly or indirectly as a result of the affair. Affairs are a very selfish act (I am guilty also) but if you can think about maybe your spouse or his or the children that may be involved, you can move out of it. I would also suggest complete NC. There is no straddling of the fence in a situation like this. Do you want to work things out with your H?
Author holy Posted May 25, 2009 Author Posted May 25, 2009 I know you are both right....I have tried to end this relationship. Once he said some things to me that were so bad that I walked away and we didn't talk for a week (only). It was weird, it felt ok, better than expected, probably because I have the perfect excuse but when he came after me I was to weak to reject him. Then I was tired of him cancelling trips to my town to visit and I was complaining to him about priorities. I stopped talking to him for about 2 weeks but then I called him. To tell you more, he used to leave in the same town and about 2 years ago he moved out. He still has a business in my town that allows him to visit every two weeks. The firs two years he didn't skip that many weeks, this year is almost every other time that he visits, he always have an excuse. I have never asked for him to leave his family, I feel guilty about it. I do have to admit that I thought we had this special love, the one you see in the movies but for different circunstances we can't be together. It makes me feel good and energized but I just feel like now he takes me for granted. He tells me that he loves me and he hates the fact that I have a husband, he is allowed to do anything but it creates a lot of problems among us, he even hates some of my friends. I hate to admit this but he is envious about things that I do. I really want to end this but 11 years are hard. I am so affraid to leave and to have regrets - hmmm how stupid this sounds, I should not have regrets of doing the right thing. If I could get myself cold. It sounds immature but if I could move to another country and I think will have my freedom again. Perhaps, having these discussions with people will finally give me the strength....I am not strong enought to do the NC. Any other alternatives?
noforgiveness Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Your poor husband has been living a lie for 11 years. Forget about your own pain and selfishness long enough to release your husband so he can find someone who truly loves him and wants to be with him. This is so sad.
jj33 Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 There is no pain free way to end it. After 11 years he must be a very large part of your life. But it doesnt sound like he is a really great part of your life. He doesnt treat you well. Its habit. Its not a wonderful thing. Moving to another country wouldnt solve things - and what about your H and children? NC is the ONLY alternative. What about telling your spouse? Let him help you end it. Im sure you will say you dont want to tell your spouse. There is NO way out other than NC after 11 years. And it doesnt sound like this man will let go easily. He will say nasty things to you. And manipulate you emotionally. When you get to a point where you really want out. You will take that big step and face the fact that you are closing that door.
lkjh Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 First thing you need to do is divorce your and let him have everything. Do you have any self-respect or shame at all? Do you really think it is ok to treat your family and his in this way? Please don't give the typical sob stories about her spouse not understanding you or loving you. It takes a special kind of evil to continue this for 11 years.
whichwayisup Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Have to ask why you stayed married for those 11 years? You have been living a double llife, lying, betraying, deceving your husband. WHy not just divorce? What was the point of staying married?
sugarmomma Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 I know you are both right....I have tried to end this relationship. Once he said some things to me that were so bad that I walked away and we didn't talk for a week (only). It was weird, it felt ok, better than expected, probably because I have the perfect excuse but when he came after me I was to weak to reject him. Then I was tired of him cancelling trips to my town to visit and I was complaining to him about priorities. I stopped talking to him for about 2 weeks but then I called him. To tell you more, he used to leave in the same town and about 2 years ago he moved out. He still has a business in my town that allows him to visit every two weeks. The firs two years he didn't skip that many weeks, this year is almost every other time that he visits, he always have an excuse. I have never asked for him to leave his family, I feel guilty about it. I do have to admit that I thought we had this special love, the one you see in the movies but for different circunstances we can't be together. It makes me feel good and energized but I just feel like now he takes me for granted. He tells me that he loves me and he hates the fact that I have a husband, he is allowed to do anything but it creates a lot of problems among us, he even hates some of my friends. I hate to admit this but he is envious about things that I do. I really want to end this but 11 years are hard. I am so affraid to leave and to have regrets - hmmm how stupid this sounds, I should not have regrets of doing the right thing. If I could get myself cold. It sounds immature but if I could move to another country and I think will have my freedom again. Perhaps, having these discussions with people will finally give me the strength....I am not strong enought to do the NC. Any other alternatives? Wow. You said absolutely nothing about your husband. Is he even in the equation. Please set him free to find someone that will love him the way he deserves. Poor guy.
fooled once Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 These kinds of statement crack me up I have tried to end this relationship. ROTFL Why can't you? Is something preventing you? Or do you really just NOT want to end it. What is stopping you? Do you really not have any ability to end it? Sorry, but it cracks me up and then to say that <shock> you didn't speak for a whole week or two ROTFL You have no problem screwing a man for 11 freaking years who isn't your husband (and you HAVE a husband) but you can't end a relationship that is never going to make you TOP priority? Really? I am sorry, but you could easily make the decision to expose your husband to STD's, etc, but you can't tell a guy DON'T CALL ME.
Author holy Posted May 26, 2009 Author Posted May 26, 2009 Thank you all!!! As of today I have ended this, I love my husband but not as a lover I hope I do one day. He is a good man and he deserves better. Any idea how to fall in love again or do you think I have caused too much damage to myself.
lkjh Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Thank you all!!! As of today I have ended this, I love my husband but not as a lover I hope I do one day. He is a good man and he deserves better. Any idea how to fall in love again or do you think I have caused too much damage to myself. confess and learn to do the things the right way. You can't build a relationship on lies and deceit. In life there are no short cuts. You can not say you love your H if you have been cheating and disrespecting him for 11years.
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