lora22 Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 I've been dating a guy that I met through mutual friends for over a year. When he and I met he had just broken up with his girlfriend of about ten months. At the beginning of our relationship he told me why he had broken up with her, that they were still friendly, but that they didn't really talk or hang out (other than at work - he had gotten her a job with his company, and they obviously have many mutual friends because of that). However, because of the wonderful development of social networking websites (some of his and my mutual friends are also HER mutual friends), I know that this is absolutely not the case: the entire time he and I have been dating, they have been hanging out (both alone and in groups with other people), talking, and he has continued to be a huge emotional support to her (her status messages are almost always about him). I have had many opportunities to check his computer and cell phone, but have not done so; however I'm sure that they chat online, text, etc. About six months into our relationship he mentioned to me that she was still trying to sleep with him, but that they hadn't hooked up, because he didn't want to. I absolutely do not care who he hangs out with. I care that he lies to me about it. Despite the many times they have hung out, he never tells me about it. We have had three confrontations about this over the year plus that we've been dating. The first time was when I couldn't make it to a dinner party his sister was hosting, so he brought his ex instead; I found out later from mutual friends that he had brought her. I confronted him; he admited he should have told me. The second time I simply told him that it really hurts my feelings when I log online and find out that they've been hanging out, but he doesn't talk to me about it, or mention it. The third time was because he took her out drinking and she bought him dinner; he had merely told me that he was out eating. When I confronted him about it, he told me the "whole" story - which ended with him dropping her off at her new boyfriend's house - another lie; I know that her boyfriend lives in another city, six hours away. I made it clear to him that my issue was being lied to; the sneakiness makes me not trust him. On the other hand, I know what it's like to be in a relationship with someone clingy, possessive and jealous, when they have no reason to be - I've been the little white liar (although I don't have many guy friends, and none of them are exes - my white lies were more along the lines of, "It's just the girls tonight," when in reality one of the girls might have brought her bf along). If that's the case, I'm insulted that he doesn't know me better, but at least I can be somewhat sympathetic. However, I'm beginning to feel like he doesn't deserve the benefit of the doubt that I've been giving him (he certainly hasn't been giving it to me). Am I wrong to trust him? Any input or thoughts on this would be appreciated.
Bejita463 Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Him remaining friends with an ex is acceptable, but him being secretive about what they do is not. If he wants you to trust him, he shouldn't feel the need to hide things. So why is he?
Author lora22 Posted May 25, 2009 Author Posted May 25, 2009 Do you think I should try to talk to him about that again, or just cut my losses and move on?
JackJack Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 To me this sounds like he is still "into" her, and she into him as well. Its one thing to have a ex as a friend and hanging out in groups of people, but another to be with them alone. Him telling you she wants to still sleep with him and that HE doesn't, just seems odd to me, sorry! I'm not saying its not possible, but the probability seems weak, since they still hang out alone. I say, if you want to remain second in his life then that's fine, but if you want someone who wants to put you first and for you to not wonder what is going on etc, you might want to cut your ties with him.
Author lora22 Posted May 25, 2009 Author Posted May 25, 2009 I think in some ways you're right, JackJack - he probably is still interested or attracted to her. But they broke up for a reason, so maybe I'm being incredibly naive, but I don't think that they've hooked up since he and I got together. I joined this website to get some other perspectives on this situation and to try to work through what exactly I think/feel about this situation. After reading more threads, I'm starting to think that maybe I should be more concerned with the fact that he's not mature enough (or doesn't care enough, or both) to handle this situation differently. I know that his two year relationship with the girl he dated before his last ex was very dramatic; there were a lot of jealousy issues. He told me about that. I know that the same is true (although my impression is that it was to a lesser extent) of his last ex. He didn't tell me that's why they broke up, but our friends who also know the ex said that she was psycho jealous/needy. Knowing this about past relationships I think I've been too understanding, or made too many excuses for his behavior. I am far from jealous, needy, clingy, possessive, insecure, etc. and we've dated long enough that he should know this ....
Chrome Barracuda Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 You Women are so F-ing Naive. I mean how much does this man have to show you that he's not boyfriend material if your gonna ask question for which you already know the answer. He's still banging his ex. Mark my words you gonna end up looking like a fool. Crying over a no good man. Why waste your time?
Author lora22 Posted May 25, 2009 Author Posted May 25, 2009 he's not boyfriend material That's perfect. I hadn't thought of it in terms quite so succinct, but that's hitting the nail on the head.
sugarmomma Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 That's perfect. I hadn't thought of it in terms quite so succinct, but that's hitting the nail on the head. Chrome is sooooo ahead of the curve!!!!! I think he's right. No man who really cares and considers the feelings of his woman will keep an ongoing r with his ex. You are not a priority for him, just an option. Kick his azz to the curb!!!!!!!!
mental_traveller Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 It doesn't take a detective to work out there's a good chance he is either cheating or at high risk of doing so. Even so, why do you need to know? The guy is a blatant liar with no respect for you, that alone is enough to bail on him.
Author lora22 Posted May 26, 2009 Author Posted May 26, 2009 Kick his azz to the curb!!!!!!!! His butt has indeed been kicked to the curb Thanks for your input everyone, it was a big help!
sedgwick Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 I just told someone else on here, who recently got back in touch with his ex and kept talking about how much he still wanted to sleep with her, that the way he could tell if he was TRULY over her was if he told his current gf. If he didn't tell you, he's not over her, and he has no business dating anyone else. Good for you for having the strength to tell him to get lost!
Lucky555 Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 thank you for posting that you kick his butt to the curb. I was so happy that you were not going to deal with that. An guy who broke my heart once by doing what your guy did is trying to get back with me, I already know hes still in contact with his ex ect. Would be the same situation but Im staying strong and after reading your post, I'm not even going to let him talk to me. He is forever GONE!
Author lora22 Posted May 27, 2009 Author Posted May 27, 2009 thank you for posting that you kick his butt to the curb. I was so happy that you were not going to deal with that. An guy who broke my heart once by doing what your guy did is trying to get back with me, I already know hes still in contact with his ex ect. Would be the same situation but Im staying strong and after reading your post, I'm not even going to let him talk to me. He is forever GONE! I'm glad that my experience helps you...at least some good comes from it! Def. save yourself what's sure to be a messy situation. I just told someone else on here, who recently got back in touch with his ex and kept talking about how much he still wanted to sleep with her, that the way he could tell if he was TRULY over her was if he told his current gf. If he didn't tell you, he's not over her, and he has no business dating anyone else. Good for you for having the strength to tell him to get lost! Touche! Thanks so much for that last bit, I definitely need to hear things like that. And gosh, what an ***...is it seriously that hard to just be honest?
Grrlish Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 You asked how I found out that my ex was cheating on me. Same way you are...by catching him fibbing to me and feeling it in my gut. But I took the ugly step of looking at his phone and his computer, which you haven't/didn't. It makes you feel horrible to do something like that but when you feel it and know that you're going to find confirmation, sorry, but sometimes it's the best thing to do. What exactly made me feel so bad? It is impossible to separate out the feeling that you're invading someone's personal space from the feeling that you get when your gut feelings are validated from all of the other negative emotions that come along with this behavior. Anyway... You already knew enough, though, to dump him. See what the others said above...he was probably messing around with his ex. Sorry that you had to go through that but you deserve to be with someone who doesn't lie to you about who he's spending his time with or his ongoing friendship with his ex. Best.
Author lora22 Posted June 3, 2009 Author Posted June 3, 2009 His "friend"/exgf broke up with her new bf....HMMMMM. Word on the street is everyone knew, including him, that she still wanted him, and now she thinks this is her chance. In the meantime, HE has contacted me, insisting that he never hooked up with her after we started dating, but he admits that the reason he didn't tell me when they hung out all the time is because he liked the attention he got from her, and he knew that that was wrong and I would be right to have a legit problem with that. "Please take me back, I won't see her anymore." In FantasyLand I would be sending his exgf a mocking message asking her if she was aware that he was trying to get back together with me.
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