thewingwoman Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 So my ex and I have this kind of relationship where we're pretty much back together minus the actual label of "relationship" (and actually, he referred to me as his girlfriend a few times this weekend, don't know if it was habit or intentional). We have been broken up since December. In that amount of time, I did a lot of soul searching and found out where a lot of my insecurities were rooted. And this has definitely helped me grow, and I've discussed most of this with him. He is a very social person (as am I), and knows a massive amount of people in the small city we live in (as do I). I know a good majority of the people he knows, whether through him or because I've met them on my own. But the amount of women he knows is ridiculous. And neither of us is the type to just not talk to someone we know, and in the South, we almost always hug as a greeting. I've tried calming myself giving myself a constant reminder that I probably know twice as many men as he does women. The difference is, he loves to know and see that a lot of guys talk to me, it's some weird ego stroke. On the other hand, I can't stand it to see him make his rounds in a bar and go from girl to girl to girl hugging them all. He was with me this weekend at my family's lakehouse (along with several friends of mine) and we went to a nearby bar and he disappeared while I was dancing with my friends. I saw him come back to the bar a few times buying two beers at a time. The first thought in my head was "wonder which girl he's buying beer for," even though I know well that he hates waiting in bar lines and probably bought them so he didn't have to go back so soon. Then, later I see him talking to four girls. Even though they were sitting near a guy we both knew, my mind went into jealousy mode instead of "he likely knows them." Which is where my mind should have been considering that we both knew half the bar (even though we were out of town). So my thing is, I know I cannot event attempt to do the full-fledged relationship with him again until I can figure out a way to get over this jealousy thing. I've never been the jealous type before, so this is all new to me. I don't know why it happens with him considering he's not at all the affectionate or flirty type, other than the greeting hug. Actually, I've often been on the other side of this issue with some of my exes. Karma maybe? Anyway, any suggestions on how to overcome jealousy? I hate feeling like this, and often regret things I do or say because of it... And when I apologize, he's even told me not to worry because he's "used to it." I feel like he shouldn't have to get used to me being a jealous b*tch. And beyond the damage it could do to our relationship, it's killing me because it's ruining my good time on a regular basis and taking over my thoughts too often. Any help is appreciated.
Ronni_W Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Don't really know. It's a new thing for you, intellectually you know it's unnecessary and you can clearly see the potential damage it will cause. Emotionally, what's going on? There is a part that is currently believing that jealousy will help you....what? The part is saying, "If you allow him to act that way, then I'm afraid that..." what? That is, maybe it's about getting in touch with that tiny part that doesn't seem to have the intellectual knowledge/understanding, and find out what it is feeling and fearing? Or perhaps. If you did not spend so much time and mental energy thinking about this, what would you have to think about, instead? (Is it a clever trick of your mind to help you NOT focus on something to which you really ought to be giving more attention?) Like I said, I don't really know -- just throwing out a few things that, with some luck, might help you get "unstuck".
Author thewingwoman Posted May 25, 2009 Author Posted May 25, 2009 Thanks Ronni. Everything you said makes sense to me. Guess there's some more soul searching I need to do. I also slept on this last night and realized a few more things. It kinda goes back to the platonic friends argument. While I do have many platonic male friends, he also hangs out with them when they're around me in most cases. Whereas, most of his platonic female friends do not hang around us, or go out with us as a group. Kinda reminds me of the argument "platonic friends do not exist, one person is always attracted to the other." While I do know they can exist because of my guy friends, the fact that his female friends don't join our group when they see us out like my guy friends will sparks this thought in my mind.
Ronni_W Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 This is maybe gonna sound kinda...silly. But perhaps they don't join you because nobody is inviting them to join you? Cos. I don't think I'd be inclined to just join my platonic guy friend if he was there with his g/f -- I'd wait for an invite (the first half-dozen or so times, at least.) Where I can totally see my guy friends just sitting down with us, if I'm there with my b/f. Make sense? I also don't agree with that whole "there isn't really such a thing as platonic friends of opposite genders" theory -- for me, there is much more to male/female relationships than just sex, and we can be attracted for many other reasons than just sex.
Author thewingwoman Posted May 26, 2009 Author Posted May 26, 2009 This is maybe gonna sound kinda...silly. But perhaps they don't join you because nobody is inviting them to join you? Cos. I don't think I'd be inclined to just join my platonic guy friend if he was there with his g/f -- I'd wait for an invite (the first half-dozen or so times, at least.) Where I can totally see my guy friends just sitting down with us, if I'm there with my b/f. Make sense? I also don't agree with that whole "there isn't really such a thing as platonic friends of opposite genders" theory -- for me, there is much more to male/female relationships than just sex, and we can be attracted for many other reasons than just sex. I totally agree on the platonic friends thing, but like I said, it only comes into my mind when it comes to his female friends. Don't know why, and I guess that's what I need to get to the bottom to when it comes to my soul searching. And yes, I agree that no one is inviting them to join us, but the fact that they make no attempt to get to know me verses the way my guy friends get to know him, I guess that's what bothers me. My guy friends (even the ones I've made since we've broke up) have always made an attempt to introduce themselves and say "oh hi, you're rob. Nice to meet you man" yet his female friends have never made such an effort to let me know who they are. But I realize that's something I have to either address with him or get over... Likely the latter.
Ronni_W Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 his female friends have never made such an effort to let me know who they are. But I realize that's something I have to either address with him or get over... Or you can just go, "Hi, I'm TheWingWoman, why don't you come on over and join Rob and me?" The line from that Joe Jackson song is coming to mind: "Don't you know, it's different for girls?" Cos maybe you're applying male social behaviour (of your guy friends) and expecting the "girls" to act like that, too. But we have our own social behaviour and "codes & rules" that we follow, yes? In any event, I do wish you good luck with it -- hopefully you'll hit upon your ideal solution and it won't become a relationship-busting issue for the two of you.
Author thewingwoman Posted May 28, 2009 Author Posted May 28, 2009 So I tested myself last night, and I did way better than usual. We both went to the same place. He was with a guy friend of his, and even though I got ready at his house, I drove separately, but we arrived at the same time. Rather than hang around him, I decided to make my own rounds upon coming through the door, without paying attention to who he was stopping to hug. Sure enough, I wasn't half way around the bar greeting people before he came up and actually made the effort to look like we were together. I decided to help me get over the jealousy stuff, I really just needed to focus on myself while we're out, not him and who he's talking to. So instead of sticking around talking to him, I walked off to further mingle. I eventually ended up sitting with another group of friends (mostly because I had on THE single most uncomfortable pair of stilettos and we didn't get a table so he was just walking or standing around). This was pretty helpful, as my mind was totally on just hanging out and having fun at the bar rather than "hanging out with rob", ya know... It wasn't long before he ended up standing around our table, and my content mood was briefly interrupted by some brunette. He kept putting his hand on her waist (they were both facing away from us having a 3 way convo with his guy friend), which made me decide to make a lap around the bar so I wouldn't sit there and let my jealousy boil. She was still there when I got back, but I was a lot calmer. I did eventually try your technique though. There was a blonde that he seemed to be talking to for quite some time. And seemed to be constantly touching her. I finally got up to get a drink, and while doing so asked him if he wanted one, and introduced myself. To my surprise, her reaction was totally not what I expected. She said "Oh wow, you're the mythical 'wingwoman'. Rob has never actually called anyone his girlfriend until you, so we didn't actually think you existed! Hang on, my husband will love to meet you... He thought you were a myth too.' So yeah, she was his old coworker's wife that he hadn't seen since they both got laid off from that company last July (a few months after Rob and I got together). She did eventually sit down at the table with me and we had a long conversation. So that was quite helpful in chilling out my jealousy (knowing that my first impression of her was wrong). I did decide to dance with some random guy (Rob's not much of a dancer), and a few guy friends of mine. While doing so, I was once again reminded that I'm just as guilty of everything I get jealous about, and I know I mean no harm in it... So I've just got to remember that when I automatically assume that he or the other girls do. Jealousy not cured, but one step closer.
Ronni_W Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 :bunny: :love: :bunny: Way to go!!! Too funny that even the women's HUSBANDS are having thoughts about you...you mythical creature, you! If I may suggest: Do NOT give your power away like that again...you had it ALL THIS TIME, and you just forgot to use it appropriately and for your own (and your relationship's) highest good. Please repeat after me: I will NOT give away my power EVER again! Way to go!!!
Author thewingwoman Posted May 28, 2009 Author Posted May 28, 2009 I will NOT give away my power EVER again!
CandyBar Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 Listen, it's just a game. I've pulled this off many, many times and it works. Just look at your feelings. Some guys like to touch other women when you around just to get you all hot & bothered, and they like feeling up other women in general. Why hang around and let it get to you sister? You say he doesn't dance. Then just get your fine ass on the dance floor with some random guy sitting at the bar that is sucking on a bottleneck. Put your best moves on this poor fellow for a couple of songs and let your man watch. Don't ever address it with if asked. Just tell him, I needed to dance and he was cute enough..so what? Just make sure the poor fellow from the bar doesn't follow you around. If so, just get up and go outside for break or hit the ladies room. Often I just have tell the poor soul, it's just a dance. That's all I was looking for. Repeat if a few times each weekend for a month or two but never mention that it is in response to him talking to other girls or touching. Candybar
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