SilverLining Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Today I got an email from my friend. She said that she found a picture of me and my ex from last year, and she included the picture in the email. I felt like I was hit with a ton of bricks. My ex and I were at the Hancock before the Taste of Chicago, his arms around me and my hand holding his. We looked so happy. It amazes me that we were engaged a year ago. I'm losing my sanity. I keep trying to move on, keep trying to stay busy, to not talk to him. It's hard to forget over 5 years of a relationship, I wonder how he does it so easily. And I keep sleeping with him. I went for a time not returning his messages or calls, and then I ended up sleeping with him again because I just can't seem to stay away. I love him so much. I can't even be in the same room with him because there's so much chemistry between us still, and yet he says he no longer loves me. It's the only way to be close to him. Yes, I know I'm humiliating myself. Yes, I know that I need to stay away. I know that I need to love myself more. I know I need to go NC, I know that I need to forget about him. But in all my life I was never as happy as I was when we were together. I would do anything, give anything for the chance to be held by him. And so I keep doing this, this emotional suicide. I don't know how to stop. And when I see him next, I'm going to ask him again to please work things out with me. I'm going to hold my breath and pray he agrees but know the entire time that he won't. I'll cry, resolve to never speak to him or see him again, and then a few weeks later it will be the same thing all over again. I wish I knew how to make him love me again. And yeah, I know that you can't force someone to love you. He loved me once. I know I must have messed things up somehow. I'd do anything to make it right...and he knows it. But he refuses to give me the chance. I can't go on like this. I feel like a failure as a person, as a lover, as a woman. I have a string of suitors but the one person who matters to me won't love me. I'm tired of pretending that I'm ok...when I am dead inside, hollow. Empty.
cabarc1 Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 It honestly breaks my heart reading that. We all know what ur feeling. If u really want ur ex back, u just have to let him know u accept his decision and look strong when you do! Let him go, right now he just does not want you or appreciates you. I'm sure he cares about you but not in a romantic way. Those feelings can come back but u have to let him go and be away from each other for a LONG time. Cause it will be a while before he can get those feelings back. And not just "i miss you feelings" but "i'm in love with you feelings". It might never happen, but it's ur ONLY option! It's a win/win situation because in the meantime u can focus on getting urself together and getting over him. It's scary letting him go because what if they meet someone else??? Well, the only way he will know is by meeting other girls and he might realize he doesn't like that and that he ruined a good thing! But u have to make him grovel and really think about whether or not u even want someone back that u don't know if u will be able to trust with ur heart again. No matter what u have to heal first and become a strong INDIVIDUAL. I too was in a 5 year relationship and engaged. It hurts like hell! He ended up with a skank for 8 months after that and then broke up with her because he couldn't stop thinking about me. well he comes back and my stupid butt takes him back right away only to be dumped again. He has figuring out to do and things he wants to do in life. No matter what, they are gonna do what they want and u just have to let them go. If we are meant to be it will happen. In the meantime, please just focus on urself and don't let him use u like that. That's horrible that he can't see how bad he is hurting you. If he doesn't want to be with u the way you want, then kick him out of ur life because by sleeping with him only makes u look desperate and pathetic. Show him u respect urself more than that, let his ass go. If he doesn't want you, then show him what it's like to be without you. I really hope u feel better *hugs*
nolanola Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 I feel your pain...I really do, because I have been there. I was in a relationship with a guy for about 3 and a half years. He was forever pulling me in, then pushing me away. I kept going back to him because I loved him and wanted him to commit to me. He would commit for a while, then pull away again. I would cry and lose sleep, swear to never talk to him again. Then I would give in somehow and call or text him, he would come over, we would sleep together, and I would feel so bad afterwards because it didn't get me any closer to what I wanted, which was a loving committed relationship. About nine months ago, I decided that I'd had enough. I think it was when I called him when he was on a date with another girl and cried and begged him to be with me that I finally got the message. I felt so worthless and tossed aside. So I stopped contacting him. It was hard as hell and it still is, even though it's been a while now. I still see him quite often at work and he still contacts me every few weeks. I wish I could say that I ignore those attempts at contact. I haven't quite gotten there yet, but at least I don't hate myself anymore. I was truck when you said that you are afraid of losing him, but as someone else pointed out on this site...you've already lost him. Every time you want to see him or talk to him, think of the fact that he has you right where he wants you. He gets everything he wants: he has a lovesick girl willing to have sex with him whenever he wants and he gets to date other girls whenever he wants to. He's having his cake and eating it too. You are allowing this to happen. I know it's hard but think that you want him to respect you and you want you to respect yourself. Say no to him... it is very hard to do, but I guarantee that when you do you won't believe how good it feels to stand up for yourself.
nolanola Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 One other thing... I agree with the other poster that said that you need time apart. You guys cannot work as a couple as the people you are right now (he's being a jerk and you're letting him walk all over you for one thing). Think of this when you think that you want to be back together with him. Let him go. Let him do what he is going to do. You can't stop it. You never know where you or he might be in 6 months or a year. You might not even want him anymore. And just as something to think about as another reason to go NC... Imagine how shocked and surprised he's going to be when he stops getting his ego boost from having you beg to be with him!
Recommended Posts