Lisa616 Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Hi all. I posted here a while back and got some good, thoughtful responses. Here's the latest: separted since late January-about 4 1/2 months now; 2 children (7 and 15), I wanted the separation-no romance, no intimacy, no real communication; however no fights or disrespect....just like roommates, more or less. All of this was entirely my fault. There is no other man, but I just felt like there had to be more in life...the grass is always greener, you know the story. Instead of being sure this is what I wanted or working on my marriage, I wanted him out. So he leaves....and I have the "Oh no" moment of what have I done. Great husband before I went cold, great dad, good worker and provider, etc. I wanted him to come back and work it out. He said no...in fact, a few days after he left, he said right then he was thinking divorce. He will not speak to me...only through very short texts. He will not commit one way or another on if he is coming back or wants a divorce. He told my daughter last week that he still hasn't decided what he wants to do....he said he wanted to believe I could change, but people don't change in 3-4 months. In the past couple of weeks, I have been going to a therapist and attending Alanon 3x per week gaining lots of insight into my co-dependent issues. He as an alcoholic the first 8 years of marriage, and sober the last 8...very involved in AA. He changed in every fundamental way; but I didn't....remained very controlling and manipulative. I have not told him about the therapist or alanon as I don't want it viewed as manipulation and I need it for me, not him. Anyway, what do you all think? Does this marriage stand half a chance, when he won't even talk to me? By the way, I write him letters every week....they are short, just what we are up to and reiterating my committment to change and this marriage. He reads them and told my mom he reads and re-reads then. He also has told my mom and daughter (she's 15 and angry at us both-she questions him a lot) that he is not seeing anyone else....he just needs time, space and clarity to make a decision. I just hate being in this place of limbo; however, I know that being impulsive and rash is what drove him away....any comments and/or insights greatly appreciated. I really would like to preserve this marriage. Thanks everyone!
LakesideDream Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Lisa, it sounds like your husband was listening to you when you discarded your marriage. After reading your story it sounds to me like he is well on his way toward "moving on" as is certainly his right. You say you thought that there "had to be more" and the "grass was greener". You need to face the possibility that after a few months you convinced him. There's another new thread on this forum about a man doing the same in a long term (23 year) relationship just discarding his wife and family. It's happening all the time. People under stress, depressed, or just board are discarding relationships on whims. The world is screwed up now and getting worse. Until the economy completely tanks making breaking up impossible, this sort of thing will be on the increase. Sad, bored, lonely, depressed people will keep making mistakes they will regret.
Author Lisa616 Posted May 25, 2009 Author Posted May 25, 2009 You are absolutely right. And I am guilty of it....I just hope it is not too late to salvage something here and if it is, I only have myself to blame. I hate that I have done this to my children and deprived them of a day-to-day father and intact family. I still have not given up hope; however, until he looks me in the eye and says he has moved on, then I will continue to work on myself and hope that he can believe that I have changed. Both good and bad behavior is learned, I guess, and whatever can be learned and be unlearned and that is what I am working on. I know I don't deserve for him to come back and try again, but it is my sincerest wish for that to happen. Thanks for your response.
Loxx Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Hey Lisa, Such a sad story. Being the one that got left in my marriage, i can tell you i began to look at my SOTBX differently. Although i know i still love her, i cannot help feeling like i wouldnt get back either. During the seperation process i was in so much pain and thought that the woman i spend all those years with could have never hurt me like this. That she has changed and is no longer the same person. Honestly if he hasnt jumped at the chance you may have scarred him too deeply for him to trust you again. I hope he does give you another chance for your family sake, however i would think its entirely based on how you made him feel during the initial stages of seperation.
LakesideDream Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 You are absolutely right. And I am guilty of it....I just hope it is not too late to salvage something here and if it is, I only have myself to blame. I hate that I have done this to my children and deprived them of a day-to-day father and intact family. I still have not given up hope; however, until he looks me in the eye and says he has moved on, then I will continue to work on myself and hope that he can believe that I have changed. Both good and bad behavior is learned, I guess, and whatever can be learned and be unlearned and that is what I am working on. I know I don't deserve for him to come back and try again, but it is my sincerest wish for that to happen. Thanks for your response. As a man, I can advise that the best, first way to get his attention is sex. Seduce him, then absolutely rock his world. I understand this won't set well with some of the gals here but I believe it's the truth. I don't propose that being an exceptional and memorable lover will save your marriage, what I do proffer is that you will get his attention for long enough to "make your case". Good Luck,
Woggle Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 I am sorry for what you are going through but you should have thought about that before you kicked him out. I can't really say I feel much sympathy. I would not take back a woman that kicked me out either.
Author Lisa616 Posted May 27, 2009 Author Posted May 27, 2009 I know...and you are all right and I appreciate the straightforward thoughts. My selfishness knew no bounds and I see myself through a lense of shame. He's a good man and didn't deserve this. He has no reason at all to even consider it; but I hope he will. I will keep you all posted when and if anything occurs. Thanks again.
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