mental_traveller Posted May 25, 2009 Share Posted May 25, 2009 It doesn't matter, you can still transmit when you don't have a cold sore. So, do you feel as though you should let the next guy know before kissing him, performing oral sex? If you have cold sores from time to time, then yes you should definitely tell a sexual partner before performing oral sex. Link to post Share on other sites
broken umbrella Posted May 25, 2009 Share Posted May 25, 2009 I'm saying oral herpes is not as bad as the genital, in the sense that it doesn't have the same stigma attached to it, regardless of how similar they manifest. It's a question of social acceptability more than one of health..it's less about the disease itself and more about how you got it. That's why people don't even bother mentioning oral herpes, since everyone has it anyway, and reluctant to mention genital herpes, whether it's HSV-1 or HSV-2. The underlying idea in this thread is about being responsible and upfront with your sexual partners, regardless of the disease you have and of the social perception that goes with it. I agree that the only difference is the social perception. However, as members of society we attribute to that perception. I personally have oral herpes and in my youth while it never occurred to me to tell my partners that I had HSV1, I never made out with anyone while I had a cold sore because it seemed gross (not from my perspective, but from what I presumed their perception to be had I been in their shoes). Until my most recent relationship, and we have had many discussions about HSV1 and what that means for us both. I am not saying what he did was right, because it is not. But I understand WHY he did it. If I was in OP shoes, I would be furious, and would not trust him. If an issue of similar significance came up, would he be able to tell her or would he wait? That will always be in the back of her mind now... at least it should be. Link to post Share on other sites
Asami Posted May 26, 2009 Share Posted May 26, 2009 Look, people here who have herpes and are defending this man's actions (well-intended or not), while it's understandable that you have to deal with this stigma on a daily basis and it makes like difficult for you, there is no excuse for not disclosing an STD to a sexual partner. NONE. Yes it is difficult, and yes this is "personal" so you may feel much more passionate about the issue, but let's be realistic. If every person disclosed their STD to a potential partner, the rate of infection would probably be a lot lower. And quite frankly, some of you probably wouldn't have it if your partners had disclosed at the time. well said bean1 Link to post Share on other sites
dunstable Posted June 1, 2009 Share Posted June 1, 2009 From http://www.herpes.com/hsv1-2.html: (1) 22% of Americans have HSV2. (2) 67% of the infected do not know they have it. This means that if you have never had symptoms of HSV2, there is a 15% (1 in 7) chance that you do have it. Asymptomatic carriers can of course spread the infection (and that is why it is so prevalent). I hope all the holier-than-thou people who have contributed to this thread make a point of telling their potential sex partners "There is a 15% chance I am a carrier of HSV2". After all, 15% is not a small risk. Similar situation with HSV1 except prevalence = 80% not 22%. But because of the euphemism "cold sore", no one cares much about it. If you do the math, you will find you have a 60% chance of carrying one or the other or both even if you never had symptoms. So if you are a symptom-free person, be sure to tell your next date, "It is more likely than not that I have either HSV1 or HSV2 or both". One can extend the math - what is the probability that at least one person out of a randomly selected couple harbors HSV1 or HSV2 without showing symptoms? - answer 84%. Link to post Share on other sites
stepka Posted June 1, 2009 Share Posted June 1, 2009 Gawd you guys are harsh. Let's put this into some perspective. I'm middle aged here and have had herpes since I was 19. I was monogamous for 25 years after that and had unprotected sex w/ my husband during most of that time. He never caught it. And yes, he knew I had it. The nice thing about herpes is that outbreaks tend to be consistent and the signs of an impending outbreak are unmistakable so you can plan ahead. We never had sex during the active phase of an outbreak, even w/ a condom, and we did use a condom during the drying up phase and he never caught it. And yes, he's been tested. I suppose it's possible to pass it on w/o having an outbreak, but I would imagine that it's very rare. I had a couple of relationships b/f my husband too, and they never caught it either. Link to post Share on other sites
mortensorchid Posted June 1, 2009 Share Posted June 1, 2009 First get yourself tested ASAP. Second of all, he should have told you that he had something by the time you were going to have sex. And you had UNPROTECTED sex with him?!?! After two months?!?! Oh honey, you REALLY need your head examined because of that. A while ago, I was with someone who really caused a lot of problems, let's just say. He had been through many girls before me, then with a friend of mine after me. Thanks to said friend (who he beat up when she ended it, incidentally), I found out he has Hep B. I went to the clinic and got myself tested immediately, even though he and I were safe the times we were together. Now, he and I were not together for very long, but he neglected to mention this to me. I had nothing to worry about, he and I were safe like I said, but knowing this was a horrible feeling. As for your situation? I'd reconsider it if he didn't mention this fact to you until after the fact. Link to post Share on other sites
xpaperxcutx Posted June 1, 2009 Share Posted June 1, 2009 It's been 8 pages and the OP hasn't come back to give us an update. Link to post Share on other sites
Thornton Posted June 1, 2009 Share Posted June 1, 2009 If you have cold sores from time to time, then yes you should definitely tell a sexual partner before performing oral sex. And should you also tell a partner before the first time you kiss them? Because you can give them oral herpes even when you don't have a coldsore. I can't believe that everyone who occasionally has coldsores tells everyone they date that they have oral herpes before their first kiss! Do you ask everyone you kiss if they ever had a coldsore before? Plus I very much doubt that everyone who occasionally has coldsores confesses the fact before they perform oral sex. The common perception is that the coldsore virus can't be transmitted when you don't actually have a coldsore, but in fact there is a slight risk of transmission. Still, people kiss all the time, and as long as neither partner has an open sore the virus isn't usually transmitted. The same applies to genital herpes - there is a slight risk of transmission when the person does not have sores, but as long as you avoid contact while there are sores you're unlikely to catch it. I fail to understand why genital herpes is seen as more severe than oral herpes, particularly because genital herpes can be dormant for years while oral herpes flares up at least once or twice a year. Plus having the oral herpes virus on your genitals is seen as more severe than having exactly the same virus on your face where everyone can see it! OP, I can understand why your bf didn't confess this to you earlier, because it's a difficult thing to confess and you really are pretty safe having sex with him when he doesn't have an outbreak. Perhaps you should ask him how often he actually has an outbreak... one of my exes had herpes, but he only ever had an outbreak once and that was a decade before he met me, and he never had another one to my knowledge. I really am shocked at the outpouring of disgust about what is a fairly common and not particularly harmful virus. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamergrl Posted June 1, 2009 Share Posted June 1, 2009 And should you also tell a partner before the first time you kiss them? Because you can give them oral herpes even when you don't have a coldsore. I can't believe that everyone who occasionally has coldsores tells everyone they date that they have oral herpes before their first kiss! Do you ask everyone you kiss if they ever had a coldsore before? Plus I very much doubt that everyone who occasionally has coldsores confesses the fact before they perform oral sex. The common perception is that the coldsore virus can't be transmitted when you don't actually have a coldsore, but in fact there is a slight risk of transmission. Still, people kiss all the time, and as long as neither partner has an open sore the virus isn't usually transmitted. The same applies to genital herpes - there is a slight risk of transmission when the person does not have sores, but as long as you avoid contact while there are sores you're unlikely to catch it. I fail to understand why genital herpes is seen as more severe than oral herpes, particularly because genital herpes can be dormant for years while oral herpes flares up at least once or twice a year. Plus having the oral herpes virus on your genitals is seen as more severe than having exactly the same virus on your face where everyone can see it! OP, I can understand why your bf didn't confess this to you earlier, because it's a difficult thing to confess and you really are pretty safe having sex with him when he doesn't have an outbreak. Perhaps you should ask him how often he actually has an outbreak... one of my exes had herpes, but he only ever had an outbreak once and that was a decade before he met me, and he never had another one to my knowledge. I really am shocked at the outpouring of disgust about what is a fairly common and not particularly harmful virus. Mental_Traveller (according to another thread) also thinks that he is immune to HSV 1 orally, because he doesn't get any outbreaks.... Look at Pandagirl's most recent thread.... Link to post Share on other sites
xpaperxcutx Posted June 1, 2009 Share Posted June 1, 2009 Mental_Traveller (according to another thread) also thinks that he is immune to HSV 1 orally, because he doesn't get any outbreaks.... Look at Pandagirl's most recent thread.... I think we need a sex refresher course on LS. The point of HSV 1 and HSV 2 is that they're both infectious but one is common over the other. Nobody knows if they have herpes unless they get tested or if they get outbreaks. Link to post Share on other sites
Thornton Posted June 1, 2009 Share Posted June 1, 2009 As far as I am aware they can only test an open sore for herpes...the virus is carried in the fluid inside the blister... I don't think there's any way to test for it while it's dormant. A huge number of people are carriers without knowing it. Link to post Share on other sites
BannaBee57 Posted June 1, 2009 Share Posted June 1, 2009 As far as I am aware they can only test an open sore for herpes...the virus is carried in the fluid inside the blister... I don't think there's any way to test for it while it's dormant. A huge number of people are carriers without knowing it. Wrong. There is a blood test for herpes. It's just not part of a normal STD test unless requested. Link to post Share on other sites
BubblyPopcorn Posted June 2, 2009 Share Posted June 2, 2009 Wrong. There is a blood test for herpes. It's just not part of a normal STD test unless requested. That is correct. You have to request HSV type specific antibody testing because most doctors won’t unless you specifically request it. Even without having any symptoms in your lifetime, most people can still have it and not realize it. That’s why it’s suggested that you request the specific blood tests that can detect the antibodies. http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/std-testing/ID00047 http://std.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?zi=1/XJ&sdn=std&cdn=health&tm=24&f=00&tt=12&bt=0&bts=0&zu=http%3A//www.ashastd.org/herpes/herpes_learn_testing.cfm Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nemoralis Posted June 25, 2009 Author Share Posted June 25, 2009 Sorry about no update. I didn't even realize this thread was still being discussed! He and I are still together. We have talked about it since. I've discovered that he has been fed SO much crap regarding the virus...I don't know which doctor he went to but he was really confused about so many things, including when he is contagious and the risk involved for me. We are looking into getting him on a daily antiviral. I'll get tested for it as soon as I go in for my next birth control shot. That will give the virus time for antibodies to form if I do have it. Pointless to get tested before then. To answer someone's question from way earlier, we had been having sex for a little more than a week when he told me. He is the third guy I have been with, and the first guy I've slept with since my 2 year relationship ended 6 months ago. I have always been very careful with my sexual health but for some reason with him I just got caught up in the moment and didn't use my best judgment. While we were both incredibly irresponsible, I'm not damning the relationship just because of it and we are moving forward from this point honestly. He's been very straightforward with me about it ever since. He was young and still very embarrassed, I was inexperienced and naive. We were both at fault, perhaps him moreso than me. But I've gotten over it and accepted the risks. He is caring, attentive, sensitive, and other than this one (albeit huge) mistake, has never given me any reason to doubt him. Take that how you will. Link to post Share on other sites
IrishCarBomb Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 we were both at fault, perhaps him moreso than me. Perhaps?!?!? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nemoralis Posted June 25, 2009 Author Share Posted June 25, 2009 Perhaps?!?!? Kinda nitpicky, but okay. He was much more at fault than me. Link to post Share on other sites
xpaperxcutx Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 I'm a little concerned about him taking care of himself medically so he doesn't infect someone else. Is he seeing a trusted doctor right now to maintain his symptoms if he has any? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nemoralis Posted June 25, 2009 Author Share Posted June 25, 2009 I'm a little concerned about him taking care of himself medically so he doesn't infect someone else. Is he seeing a trusted doctor right now to maintain his symptoms if he has any? Yes, he is on medication to help with any outbreaks he does have. We are working on getting him on a daily antiviral like Valtrex but it is just SO expensive. He isn't sleeping with anyone else so I doubt he'll be spreading it to anyone. Unless you are talking about after/if we break up. Link to post Share on other sites
xpaperxcutx Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 Yes, he is on medication to help with any outbreaks he does have. We are working on getting him on a daily antiviral like Valtrex but it is just SO expensive. He isn't sleeping with anyone else so I doubt he'll be spreading it to anyone. Unless you are talking about after/if we break up. No, I'm talking about giving it to you as well. You still haven't gotten tested, but there could be a few percentage chance that you could build up an immunity against the virus and not get it. So if you're uninfected, and still continue to have sexual intercourse with him, I advise to take precaution against it, as well as in case the both of you do end up breaking up. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamergrl Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 OP made her choice - and they are both now being mature and responsible about it. Quit telling her to dump the guy. She obviously has been doing her research, knows the risks, and knows that getting on a daily anti-viral will reduce the risk. OP said herself she sees other traits in him that she likes, and if he is continuing to be honest and up front with her, I don't see the problem. Link to post Share on other sites
DarkestDreams Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 That is correct. You have to request HSV type specific antibody testing because most doctors won’t unless you specifically request it. Even without having any symptoms in your lifetime, most people can still have it and not realize it. That’s why it’s suggested that you request the specific blood tests that can detect the antibodies. http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/std-testing/ID00047 http://std.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?zi=1/XJ&sdn=std&cdn=health&tm=24&f=00&tt=12&bt=0&bts=0&zu=http%3A//www.ashastd.org/herpes/herpes_learn_testing.cfm I want to get tested for HSV-2 and I told my doctor about it. He said, since I have HSV-1, a blood test won't serve any good since it won't differentiate between the two, and that he would need a fluid sample from a blister. I've never had any symptoms, but I like to cover all the bases and get some sort of test. Basically, he gave me a pat on the head and told me not to worry about it, which irritated the hell out of me. Is there a specific test that I should ask for? Because I will be going back and probably switch to another doctor, anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamergrl Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 I want to get tested for HSV-2 and I told my doctor about it. He said, since I have HSV-1, a blood test won't serve any good since it won't differentiate between the two, and that he would need a fluid sample from a blister. I've never had any symptoms, but I like to cover all the bases and get some sort of test. Basically, he gave me a pat on the head and told me not to worry about it, which irritated the hell out of me. Is there a specific test that I should ask for? Because I will be going back and probably switch to another doctor, anyway. Request the HSV 2 test for blood work. Some doctors are old school and don't realize how much things have changed. I've gotten testing done right at planned parenthood with no questions asked. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamergrl Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 Dreamergirl, don't tell me to not tell someone to do something. That is my advice. The problem is, she will NEVER know if he is honest or upfront with her or not. She will always have to be snooping and checking and that's not a relationship. You are young. You don't have to date someone with HSV. You don't have to date a liar who doesn't even feel remorse for this. Let that be your mantra, OP. She made her choice, and your giving her crap for it. Then, in another thread, you go around posting that Jilly Bean and myself also have herpes? Where is your maturity level at Cherished? You should not be posting. Link to post Share on other sites
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