dreamergrl Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 I've had cold sores for as long as I can remember. Even when I was 16-17 and my boyfriends at the times went for a kiss, I let them know I was off limits for the next week. I didn't know much at the time, but I did know that I could infect them. And I was also careful to tell people around me not to drink from my cup and stuff like that. I agree that the person carrying a disease is the first one who must display resposibility. It's not exactly a life-threatening disease, but if you can avoid passing it to other people, why not go ahead and warn them? It doesn't matter, you can still transmit when you don't have a cold sore. So, do you feel as though you should let the next guy know before kissing him, performing oral sex?
Lindarose84 Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Yes, DG, the OP bears some culpability in not having the STD talk, BUT the onus is still on the guy who is aware that he is infected to bring up the topic. Period. No matter what, the main one to blame here is the guy, not the OP.
xpaperxcutx Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 I know it doesn't make a HUGE difference, but I wonder when they became sexually active in the two months. Maybe they just started having sex in the last month, two weeks, or whatever. That would mean he wasn't keeping it from her for as long. And still. He may have told her straight out if she had talked to him about these things prior to having sex. Dreamergrl, it's not about when they had sex, it's the fact that they had sex that's the problem here. Not being upfront about having herpies is not the same as " hey honey, did I forgot to mention I sort of saw my ex the other day?" Having an STD like herpies doesn't make it any better than having HIV/ AIDS. It's still the same.
pandagirl Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Having an STD like herpies doesn't make it any better than having HIV/ AIDS. It's still the same. I'm sorry, but that is such an ignorant comment. Please go educate yourself.
dreamergrl Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Having an STD like herpies doesn't make it any better than having HIV/ AIDS. It's still the same. No, one is deadly, the other is not.
xpaperxcutx Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 I'm sorry, but that is such an ignorant comment. Please go educate yourself. No, in my opinion, I think any STD's are bad. If you can avoid any of them, then do so. But putting yourself in a position to attract one over the other? That's ignorant.
DarkestDreams Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 It doesn't matter, you can still transmit when you don't have a cold sore. So, do you feel as though you should let the next guy know before kissing him, performing oral sex? Fair enough, although the risk is lower when you don't have an outbreak. Maybe next time I will mention it. I'm curious what kind of reactions I'll get, but I'm pretty sure people are going to appreciate the honesty.
xpaperxcutx Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 No, one is deadly, the other is not. And that makes it better for the OP okay to contract it? I don't think so.
dreamergrl Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Fair enough, although the risk is lower when you don't have an outbreak. Maybe next time I will mention it. I'm curious what kind of reactions I'll get, but I'm pretty sure people are going to appreciate the honesty. I'm curious. Are you going to say, hey I have cold sores, or hey I have hsv 1 orally? Most people don't understand cold sores are a form of herpes. I bet if you say cold sore, no one will care much, but if you say HSV 1 or oral herpes, they wont come near you. No, in my opinion, I think any STD's are bad. If you can avoid any of them, then do so. But putting yourself in a position to attract one over the other? That's ignorant. And that makes it better for the OP okay to contract it? I don't think so. Well if you were going to get an STD, would you rather die from it, or live a healthy life having a break out every now and then? No one's arguing that STDS are bad. But it's ignorant to think that you can so easily just stay away from them. You've probably been exposed to one already. It's just a matter of if you contracted it or not.
xpaperxcutx Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Well if you were going to get an STD, would you rather die from it, or live a healthy life having a break out every now and then? No one's arguing that STDS are bad. But it's ignorant to think that you can so easily just stay away from them. You've probably been exposed to one already. It's just a matter of if you contracted it or not. I'm not arguing that one should stay away from them completely, because you could easily meet anyone with an STD and not be aware they have it. In this case, this is exactly what happened. But it also proves my point that the guy is selfish when he didn't inform the OP before they had sex. The OP is entitled to her own decision whether she'll want a relationship with this guy or not. But he never really gave her a chance to make that decision before sticking his little bro in her. So really can you blame her for being scared? I would be too, if unprotected sex results in me living with an incurable disease. There is no commitment, so he put her at risk. She's 19 for god's sakes, I think if she really want herpies, she would at least want to think it over if it was worth a lifetime of making sure if that she doesn't spread it to anyone else.
DarkestDreams Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 I'm curious. Are you going to say, hey I have cold sores, or hey I have hsv 1 orally? Most people don't understand cold sores are a form of herpes. I bet if you say cold sore, no one will care much, but if you say HSV 1 or oral herpes, they wont come near you. I think I'm gonna say "Hey, I have oral herpes, you know..the one that gives you cold sores". I'll report back with reactions, it should be an interesting social experiment. The hardest part is going to be finding a guy that I actually want to kiss
cbreitel Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 It was shockingly wrong for this guy to have sex, multiple times, without disclosing that he had herpes.
dreamergrl Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 I think I'm gonna say "Hey, I have oral herpes, you know..the one that gives you cold sores". I'll report back with reactions, it should be an interesting social experiment. The hardest part is going to be finding a guy that I actually want to kiss I'm very interested in finding out about this experiment. How much would it suck if it was a guy you really were interested in, and he looked at you with disgust?
bean1 Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Look, people here who have herpes and are defending this man's actions (well-intended or not), while it's understandable that you have to deal with this stigma on a daily basis and it makes like difficult for you, there is no excuse for not disclosing an STD to a sexual partner. NONE. Yes it is difficult, and yes this is "personal" so you may feel much more passionate about the issue, but let's be realistic. If every person disclosed their STD to a potential partner, the rate of infection would probably be a lot lower. And quite frankly, some of you probably wouldn't have it if your partners had disclosed at the time.
dreamergrl Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 I think Panda Girl is the only one who stated she has herpes...
amaysngrace Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Not to sound like a mom here but when you have unprotected sex you are asking for trouble. You are as much to blame for this as he is. You should have insisted on using protection.
subdued Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 I agree that he should have told her that he had herpes before having sex. However, she should have also asked him if he had any STDs before having sex. Sometimes people are really ignorant when it comes to sex.
Ruby Slippers Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 I get cold sores a couple of times a year when I'm sleep-deprived or stressed, and I have since I was pretty young -- like a lot of the population. And yes, when I start a new relationship, before it gets physical, I inform my partner about this. I let him know that there is a chance that herpes simplex 1 can be spread through oral-genital contact even in the absence of an outbreak. If I have a cold sore, I don't let him anywhere near my mouth until it is 100% gone. Every year at my gyno checkup, I get all the appropriate STD tests. Before any new relationship, I insist that we have a conversation about sexual history and get the full panel of tests and share our results. I have realized recently that I am in the minority on this, but I consider it near insanity not to take these precautions these days.
DarkestDreams Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 I'm very interested in finding out about this experiment. How much would it suck if it was a guy you really were interested in, and he looked at you with disgust? If a guy would be disgusted because I have oral herpes, given that the majority of population has it or is bound to have it at some point, I can assure you that my interest level would drop below 0 in 1.5 seconds. And I'd live, I'm a big girl. I can see you're trying to prove a point here, but c'mon! You can't compare oral and genital herpes and there are no excuses for someone who goes around and spreads STDs willingly. None.
broken umbrella Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 I can see you're trying to prove a point here, but c'mon! You can't compare oral and genital herpes Why not? They are essentially the same, just where they prefer to lie is different. Having cold sores is no more of a hinderance than genital herpes. Each one requires you to reveal that you have a contagious disease, if you are responsible.
dreamergrl Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 If a guy would be disgusted because I have oral herpes, given that the majority of population has it or is bound to have it at some point, I can assure you that my interest level would drop below 0 in 1.5 seconds. And I'd live, I'm a big girl. I can see you're trying to prove a point here, but c'mon! You can't compare oral and genital herpes and there are no excuses for someone who goes around and spreads STDs willingly. None. Oral or genital - herpes is herpes. Both 1 and 2 can reside in either area. While not quite as common, maybe other places. Besides, some people are wanted to say that aids and herpes is no different, an std is an std. So now you're saying that oral herpes isn't as bad as genital, why? If someone with oral herpes is is not educated, they could go give it to you genitally, then what? Does oral hsv 1 suddenly become just as bad as genital hsv 2?
DarkestDreams Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Why not? They are essentially the same, just where they prefer to lie is different. Having cold sores is no more of a hinderance than genital herpes. I don't have genital herpes, so I can't really make a comparison, but I know how painful and annoying cold sores can be. The point is most people contract HSV-1 during childhood and HSV-2 when they become sexually active. Hence, the stigma associated with genital herpes. Each one requires you to reveal that you have a contagious disease, if you are responsible. This is exactly what I've been saying all along. So now you're saying that oral herpes isn't as bad as genital, why? If someone with oral herpes is is not educated, they could go give it to you genitally, then what? Does oral hsv 1 suddenly become just as bad as genital hsv 2? I'm saying oral herpes is not as bad as the genital, in the sense that it doesn't have the same stigma attached to it, regardless of how similar they manifest. It's a question of social acceptability more than one of health..it's less about the disease itself and more about how you got it. That's why people don't even bother mentioning oral herpes, since everyone has it anyway, and reluctant to mention genital herpes, whether it's HSV-1 or HSV-2. The underlying idea in this thread is about being responsible and upfront with your sexual partners, regardless of the disease you have and of the social perception that goes with it. You're saying that sometimes it's justifiable for people to "forget" to mention it, because they're afraid of being rejected. Let's just agree to disagree on this one.
pandagirl Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 The reason this thread is disheartening to me, is that it's really the stigma of the disease that is doing the damage, not the actual virus. We all know herpes is non-life threatening and usually just a skin irritation that can be kept at bay for years on end. I haven't had an outbreak in 4-5 years. This stigma is simply perpetuated through society. Just like genital warts are now commonly referred to as HPV, I hope eventually people will accept herpes as HSV and a common virus and not as a brand of shame and embarrassment. Some comments have simply stated the guy was in the wrong and he should have told her. I don't disagree with these statements, but the ones that treat someone having herpes as a life sentence make me sad. Yes, no one wants herpes and no one should ever lie about having it, but I also wish the reactions to someon with herpes weren't akin to someone being a leper.
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