xpaperxcutx Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Good point, to all those people who have coldsores, do you disclose this information to your partners? Do you perform oral sex on your partner? Well, if you know if have coldsores, you can absolutely spread herpes to your partners genitals. And yes, it is always a risk. Well why wouldn't you? If you have a partner, you wouldn't want them kissing you anyways because you want to keep them safe. Even if OP and the guy aren't in an exclusive relationship, he would need to disclose the information that he's having an outbreak so as to prevent her from contracting the disease. If he doesn't then he's purposely trying to tap booty and intentionally spreading herpies.
Lindarose84 Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Well said PG. It's obvious the guy feels remorse for what he did. And yes it was wrong. Look at this way too - 90% the population has hsv 1 orally. Do you ever say "Hey I have a cold sore, I can't kiss you right now?" Um, yeah? I would never kiss someone if I had a cold sore because I knew I could spread it. The fact of the matter is, PG, it doesn't matter that 25% of the population has it and most don't know it or whether or not people on LS have asked to see STD test papers from their SOs- THIS GUY KNEW HE HAD IT AND STILL HAD UNPROTECTED SEX WITH HER. That is inexcusable and completely wrong. He was a selfish bastard. Yes, the OP should've been smarter about her decision to have unprotected sex with someone without asking about his STD status, but his actions were borderline malicious. We all feel sympathy, at least I do, for those who have to go through "the talk" if they have an incurable STD. But that doesn't excuse this guy's actions. If he wasn't ready to have that talk, then he's not ready to have sex with her. He could've waited until he felt comfortable enough to broach the subject. But he didn't because he was selfish.
dreamergrl Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Good point, to all those people who have coldsores, do you disclose this information to your partners? Do you perform oral sex on your partner? Well, if you know if have coldsores, you can absolutely spread herpes to your partners genitals. And yes, it is always a risk. And there's no way everyone on this board can convince me that they all have never had a coldsore.
dreamergrl Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 I'm sorry, but I have a hard time believe that everyone's stopped themselves from kissing someone when having a cold sore. I'm willing to bet that many of you don't stop your romantic lives over a cold sore.
Art_Critic Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 If the guy had lied about being married you would be all over him but geez.. he lied about carrying an STD and had sex with her multiple times so he must've just been to scared to tell her.. and you think it is just fine.. Please stop trying to diminish the fact that he put her health at risk and the bigger point is his dishonesty.. PG... you're better than this...
JustLooking123 Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 I think his actions showed that he was scared of having to scare of a girl that he likes. It doesn't make it right, but it doesn't make him self-centered. It takes two people to have sex. It takes two people to make the responsible choice. It takes two people to have the conversation about the risk of unprotected sex. True. But the person with the STD has the greater responsibility. People have gone to jail for being HIV+ and knowingly having unprotected sex, thus infecting their partners. It most certainly makes him self-centered. He cared more about getting some than about her safety. If this is what guys do because they "like" someone, I hope no one ever likes me again.
xpaperxcutx Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Um, yeah? I would never kiss someone if I had a cold sore because I knew I could spread it. The fact of the matter is, PG, it doesn't matter that 25% of the population has it and most don't know it or whether or not people on LS have asked to see STD test papers from their SOs- THIS GUY KNEW HE HAD IT AND STILL HAD UNPROTECTED SEX WITH HER. That is inexcusable and completely wrong. He was a selfish bastard. Yes, the OP should've been smarter about her decision to have unprotected sex with someone without asking about his STD status, but his actions were borderline malicious. We all feel sympathy, at least I do, for those who have to go through "the talk" if they have an incurable STD. But that doesn't excuse this guy's actions. If he wasn't ready to have that talk, then he's not ready to have sex with her. He could've waited until he felt comfortable enough to broach the subject. But he didn't because he was selfish. That sums everything up perfectly.
dreamergrl Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 I don't condone lying what so ever. But really, it would have been a lie if OP would have said, are you clean, or do you have any STDs. He didn't lie, he just wasn't up front about it. It wasn't the right thing to do by any means, but people make mistakes, does that mean they are all bad?
pandagirl Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Um, yeah? I would never kiss someone if I had a cold sore because I knew I could spread it. Lindarose, do you have coldsores? Because you can still spread it to other people even if you're NOT having an outbreak: "The time when the virus is the most contagious of facial is when the blisters burst, but it can be passed before blisters are visible or when a person has no symptoms at all (asymptomatic shedding)."
dreamergrl Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 True. But the person with the STD has the greater responsibility. People have gone to jail for being HIV+ and knowingly having unprotected sex, thus infecting their partners. It most certainly makes him self-centered. He cared more about getting some than about her safety. If this is what guys do because they "like" someone, I hope no one ever likes me again. Because HIV is deadly. HSV is not. No one wants any type of STD, but HSV isn't going to put you in your grave. Heck, it can be found on areas other then the mouth and genital region.
JustLooking123 Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Because HIV is deadly. HSV is not. No one wants any type of STD, but HSV isn't going to put you in your grave. Heck, it can be found on areas other then the mouth and genital region. I realize that. It was an example to show that others have found more extreme examples of this behavior, worthy of criminal charges and jail time. Note that I said more extreme examples; I'm not suggestiong the OP's partner go to jail. Also, I do not have cold sores, and I recently had a negative HSV test, so I do no tspeak from personal experience here. That said, I do not consider cold sores to be comparable to genital herpes, so I don't understand those comparisons. The stigma and emotional effects of genital herpes are much more serious to me. Just my opinion.
dreamergrl Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 I realize that. It was an example to show that others have found more extreme examples of this behavior, worthy of criminal charges and jail time. Note that I said more extreme examples; I'm not suggestiong the OP's partner go to jail. Also, I do not have cold sores, and I recently had a negative HSV test, so I do no tspeak from personal experience here. That said, I do not consider cold sores to be comparable to genital herpes, so I don't understand those comparisons. The stigma and emotional effects of genital herpes are much more serious to me. Just my opinion. You do understand that cold sores (HSV 1) can be transmitted to your genital area? It still remains as HSV 1, but in a different area. Did you get tested for HSV 1 and 2? Or just 2? Can you be sure you've never had a cold sore you're whole life?
Lindarose84 Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Lindarose, do you have coldsores? Because you can still spread it to other people even if you're NOT having an outbreak: "The time when the virus is the most contagious of facial is when the blisters burst, but it can be passed before blisters are visible or when a person has no symptoms at all (asymptomatic shedding)." I have actually never had a coldsore in my entire life. So maybe I'm not one to talk, but I've had friends who did have it and knowing what it looks like, why the heck would I want to pass that on to someone else? Even when I have A COLD I tell people to get the heck away from me- I don't kiss anyone nor do I engage in anything intimate because I'm not trying to pass something health related to anyone else- unless I hate the guy and I want him to catch my cold (which I will admit, I did do at one time).
pandagirl Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 If the guy had lied about being married you would be all over him but geez.. he lied about carrying an STD and had sex with her multiple times so he must've just been to scared to tell her.. and you think it is just fine.. Please stop trying to diminish the fact that he put her health at risk and the bigger point is his dishonesty.. PG... you're better than this... I absolutely do NOT think it's "just fine" at all! I think he was definitely in the wrong, for sure. I think what is bothering me is, and maybe it's projection, but if I was young like this guy is -- 20, 21 -- you don't always have the maturity level and life experiences to do what's "right" all the time. I mean, this is why there are so many teenage girls pregnant, young drug addicts, kids who drop out of school, etc. There was no one to help or advise them. He probably felt completely alone, helpless and scared because he didn't want to be judged and face negative reactions -- the kind of reactions this thread is eliciting right now. Don't any of you remember what that feels like? There was a law trying to be passed in California this past year to require a doctor to inform an underage girl's parents that she wanted an abortion. Thankfully, this law was not passed because many girls would rather seek dangerous methods of abortions that could lead to death, rather then confide in their parents they were pregnant because there were too scared to tell. It's a parallel story because fear is paralyzing when you feel like all you will get is judgment and name calling. You feel so alone. Now, I've gotten a bit off subject, but I just hope what everyone can take away from this is, 1) honesty is the best policy, 2) educate yourself and be safe about sex, and 3) don't be too quick to judge.
JustLooking123 Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 You do understand that cold sores (HSV 1) can be transmitted to your genital area? It still remains as HSV 1, but in a different area. Did you get tested for HSV 1 and 2? Or just 2? Can you be sure you've never had a cold sore you're whole life? Yes, I understand all of that. And yes, I was tested for both. And yes, I'm sure I'e never had a cold sore in my whole life. Hence the negative HSV testing. But my HSV history is not the point. I've said my piece on this issue. He was inexcusably wrong and selfish, and should be kicked to the curb.
Bells Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 I've been dating a wonderful guy for about 2 months now. We both got out of long term relationships a few months ago so have been taking things slow and have not called ourselves "official" yet. But he is amazing. I'm more attracted to him physically and mentally than any person I've ever been with. We have similar interests, get along with each others' friends, and have SO much fun together. Last night we went to our favorite club and had a great time. I stayed over at his place and we talked a little about our "relationship." On our way back to my place, he dropped a huge bomb on me. He has genital herpes. He said he doesn't know how he got it, if his ex cheated on him and gave it to both of them or if one of them had it dormant for years before they got together. I am the first person he's ever told. He was clearly very nervous and kept saying things like "I'll understand if I never hear from you again" and "I want to at least still be friends with you" etc. He is out of town for a few days and I think he fully expects me to leave him as soon as he gets back. I felt so badly for him when he told me. He said that he fully expected to stay single for the rest of his life, that he was resigned to it. Clearly I am shocked. We are young (19 and 21). Both have a lot of dating experience and know what we want. Somehow I feel closer to him because he told me this and care about him even more. But at the same time, I realize that we are both young could break up, potentially leaving me with an incurable STD. Also, we have been having unprotected sex. He thinks that you can't spread it when not experiencing an outbreak, but I know that you can. We haven't had sex too often (8 or 9 times). I wish he would have told me sooner. I guess I just needed to tell someone since I can't tell anyone that I actually know in person. I feel this is too personal for him for me to discuss with even my closest friends. Help? What's that commercial where the one person says, "I have genital herpes" and the boyfriend says, "And I STILL don't!" Somehow I just don't buy into that commercial slogan. LOL!!
pandagirl Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 What's that commercial where the one person says, "I have genital herpes" and the boyfriend says, "And I STILL don't!" Somehow I just don't buy into that commercial slogan. LOL!! haha. Really, it is possible though! You gotta be diligent about being careful, but the transmission rate from female to male is less than 1%, which is the also the chance you take of getting pregnant even when using the pill or a condom.
dreamergrl Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 What's that commercial where the one person says, "I have genital herpes" and the boyfriend says, "And I STILL don't!" Somehow I just don't buy into that commercial slogan. LOL!! Actually, you can keep the risk extremely low. After years of having it, you have less outbreaks, and your body builds up the immunity for it. Add the meds for it in there, protection, and you have a very small risk of contracting it. I have a friend who has it, and she's had it for ten years. She's been with her boyfriend for five. He still tests negative.
Art_Critic Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 I think what is bothering me is, and maybe it's projection, but if I was young like this guy is -- 20, 21 -- you don't always have the maturity level and life experiences to do what's "right" all the time. I mean, this is why there are so many teenage girls pregnant, young drug addicts, kids who drop out of school, etc. There was no one to help or advise them. He probably felt completely alone, helpless and scared because he didn't want to be judged and face negative reactions -- the kind of reactions this thread is eliciting right now. Don't any of you remember what that feels like? I'm sure some of this is happening PG.. but acceptance or tolerance of bad judgment in cases like that even if he felt alone or isolated is worse.. IMO. IF by chance he does spread his STD to her or if he has done that to other girls because he felt alone then I would think the mere spreading of the STD could have been avoided by having some honesty. I do think having ANY unprotected sex puts both party's into the "each is responsible" if the STD is contracted but in the end since the guy was aware that he had it then he bears the larger responsibility to at least inform the other party first.. 100-1 that if he had informed her then this thread wouldn't have been made and the OP most likely would have used a condom after being educated on it..
Bells Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Actually, you can keep the risk extremely low. After years of having it, you have less outbreaks, and your body builds up the immunity for it. Add the meds for it in there, protection, and you have a very small risk of contracting it. I have a friend who has it, and she's had it for ten years. She's been with her boyfriend for five. He still tests negative. Hm, if I found that out at the beginning of those 5 years....I would have moved on...
Lindarose84 Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Actually, you can keep the risk extremely low. After years of having it, you have less outbreaks, and your body builds up the immunity for it. Add the meds for it in there, protection, and you have a very small risk of contracting it. I have a friend who has it, and she's had it for ten years. She's been with her boyfriend for five. He still tests negative. It's kind of reassuring to know that, heaven forbid, if I were to get it, that there are guys out there who are willing to look past it because there are precautions one could take to ensure your partner doesn't get it. I guess the general belief is that once you hear those words "you have herpes" you think it's an automatic sentence to life as a single person. I will say this, it takes a strong person to live with a disease that has such a negative stigma to it. It takes an even stronger person to admit he/she has to his/her SO. This guy is obviously a loser since he chose to wait so long to admit it given the fact that he had already been sexually active with the OP.
xpaperxcutx Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Omg STDs scare the living daylights out of me. All this talk about cold sores is getting to me. I currently have a split lip and I keep looking in the mirror wondering if it's actually a cold sore.
dreamergrl Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 I know it doesn't make a HUGE difference, but I wonder when they became sexually active in the two months. Maybe they just started having sex in the last month, two weeks, or whatever. That would mean he wasn't keeping it from her for as long. And still. He may have told her straight out if she had talked to him about these things prior to having sex.
DarkestDreams Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 I've had cold sores for as long as I can remember. Even when I was 16-17 and my boyfriends at the times went for a kiss, I let them know I was off limits for the next week. I didn't know much at the time, but I did know that I could infect them. And I was also careful to tell people around me not to drink from my cup and stuff like that. I agree that the person carrying a disease is the first one who must display resposibility. It's not exactly a life-threatening disease, but if you can avoid passing it to other people, why not go ahead and warn them? Back to the OP's problem..I'm pretty sure she's not gonna dump the guy, but a discussion with him is necessary. If his behaviour was determined by inexperience and not ill will, he needs to know it's NOT ok! Otherwise he'll do the same with his next partners. Personally, I'd be beyond livind and I'd have a very hard time holding my composure in that situation. I do hope things work out for you, OP.
DarkestDreams Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 He didn't lie, he just wasn't up front about it. Lying through omission is still lying.
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