pandagirl Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Yeah, this guy is in the wrong obviously! BUT there is misinformation out there and he could have possibly been miseducated -- the internet isn't always a reliable source. Maybe he really did think he couldn't pass it on with protection; I know plenty of people who think that. I don't think people understand how scary it is to tell someone you have herpes. Yes, I have always been forthcoming with the people I date, but it took MANY years to get there. I didn't have sex from the ages of 24-29 because I avoided the situation entirely. I cried constantly at the thought of being rejected. But, I was older and wiser than a 21-year-old. I'm not condemning this guy's actions. it was WRONG. But, it doesn't mean he's necessarily evil or a bad person either. People make mistakes, people learn from mistakes and this is just being human.
xpaperxcutx Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Yeah, this guy is in the wrong obviously! BUT there is misinformation out there and he could have possibly been miseducated -- the internet isn't always a reliable source. Maybe he really did think he couldn't pass it on with protection; I know plenty of people who think that. I don't think people understand how scary it is to tell someone you have herpes. Yes, I have always been forthcoming with the people I date, but it took MANY years to get there. I didn't have sex from the ages of 24-29 because I avoided the situation entirely. I cried constantly at the thought of being rejected. But, I was older and wiser than a 21-year-old. I'm not condemning this guy's actions. it was WRONG. But, it doesn't mean he's necessarily evil or a bad person either. People make mistakes, people learn from mistakes and this is just being human. Pandagirl, it's hard to be sympathetic towards this guy. At least in your situation, you decided to research on it and didn't have sex. He, however, was putting OP's life at risk merely for the sake of sexual satisfaction. He was selfish, not misinformed.
pandagirl Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Pandagirl, it's hard to be sympathetic towards this guy. At least in your situation, you decided to research on it and didn't have sex. He, however, was putting OP's life at risk merely for the sake of sexual satisfaction. He was selfish, not misinformed. In this situation, this guy seems to feel remorse and is genuinely confused and tortured. Yes, that he did was wrong. But for all the effed up things people have done on LS and posted about, I'm surprised that people are able to easily label this guy an ******* and a horrible person. All I'm saying is we don't know him. I am content to say what he did sucks, but I am in no way qualified to judge who he is by this one action.
Art_Critic Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 It still boils down to honesty.. or tolerance of dishonesty PG... Red flag or forgivable mistake, that is what the OP needs to figure out...
Citizen Erased Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Yeah, this guy is in the wrong obviously! BUT there is misinformation out there and he could have possibly been miseducated -- the internet isn't always a reliable source. Maybe he really did think he couldn't pass it on with protection; I know plenty of people who think that. Assuming he was diagnosed by a doctor and not himself, what would one of the first things the doctor would have said? "Don't have unprotected sex". He would have been taught all of this stuff in sex ed as well, there is a lot of information out there. Even if he truly thought this, he had no excuse to not be as aware as he could be when having sex with a new partner. It is lazy and incredibly stupid to not study up on a condition you have. Especially when it can be passed on to another person. I have nothing against anyone with herpes, of course, just those that pass it on to unknowing sexual partners. It may be hard to be upfront with people but while you are dealing with that you don't have sex! It seems pretty simple to me.
missdependant Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 He wasn't honest at all. If he was such a great guy, he would have told her BEFORE having UNPROTECTED sex! And yes, that does speak volumes about his character. I agree! Unless he didn't know about it, there's NO excuse! He had no regard for your health or feelings. If you're willing to forgive him for something like this, that's awesome.. but you also have EVERY RIGHT not to. He probably HAS transmitted it to you even if you've only had sex a handful of times. Get tested ASAP, so you can start treating it. Obviously, it's incurable.. but you can at least treat the problem and keep it under control. Is he being treated for it?
Ruby Slippers Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 We are not judging the guy for having herpes -- we are judging him for withholding that information from her until they had already had sex 8 or 9 times. This tells us everything we need to know about the guy. I don't care how scared he might be -- being scared is not an excuse for putting someone else's health at risk by lying through omission.
xpaperxcutx Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 We are not judging the guy for having herpes -- we are judging him for withholding that information from her until they had already had sex 8 or 9 times. This tells us everything we need to know about the guy. I don't care how scared he might be -- being scared is not an excuse for putting someone else's health at risk by lying through omission. And I'm not judging him for having herpies. But seriously, they had unprotected sex 8 or 9 times. Even if he hadn't had herpies, he could have at least have used a condom. What does this say about the guy? Enough as is that he's a very selfish person. The OP is young, she doesn't need a STD to complicate her life as is. I'm the same age as her, and I would never have unprotected sex.
pandagirl Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 I'm not taking sides with the dude, but the girl is just as responsible for her sexual healthy and should have known better than to ask him to wear a condom.
SoulSearch_CO Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Also, we have been having unprotected sex. He thinks that you can't spread it when not experiencing an outbreak, but I know that you can. We haven't had sex too often (8 or 9 times). I wish he would have told me sooner. :mad:OMG! I would be PISSED. WTF? He KNOWS he has this STD and goes about having unprotected sex. HELLO? That would be enough right there for me to dump him. Hello, *******. Yes, you have your culpability for engaging in the unprotected sex, too - but I think it's worse on his part. You knew you weren't exposing him to diseases. Grrr.
SoulSearch_CO Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 I'm not taking sides with the dude, but the girl is just as responsible for her sexual healthy and should have known better than to ask him to wear a condom. Not that it matters. You can STILL get it even WITH a condom. Reduce the risk? Sure. Eliminate it? Nope.
Chicago_Guy Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 This guy sounds like a total shi thead. He knowingly put you in danger of catching his STD. He is selfish and you should dump him immediately for failing to tell you before you were intimate with him. At your young age, the odds are that you aren't going to marry this guy anyway. However, if you contract an herpes from him, I guarantee that there will be other guys in your future who will want nothing to do with you if they find out that you have herpes.
Chicago_Guy Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 I may get banned from this furom for saying what I am about to say. Do you have any clue how hard it is to have to tell someone what he obviously told you. He didn't wait years. Do you have any idea the rejection he has obviously faced in the past for sharing this? Do you know what that can do to a person. It makes you not want to tell it, because you know you will be judged. After years of dealing with this, maybe he has come to realize that it takes a special woman to accept this and how could he possibly find her if he tells her in the beginning. She is going to run for the hills. Ok first date. I am having a great time, but by the way, I have herpes. Would he ever make it to the second date? NOT. Granted he may have put you at some risk. How shallow are you going to be. Is this really that unforgivable if you put yourself in his shoes. Really, if you are that shallow, he would be better off with someone else. I can guarantee you that there is a great woman out there that would not be fretting so much over all this. I know, I am one. I completely understand, because I have been with a man that had to go through the telling me ordeal. I am 46. He had dealt with the rejection over and over in his life. Good Lord, thats trivial compared to all the challenges you are going to have to face in life like raising children, losing loved ones, having your heart torn out and the list goes on and on. Put it into perspective. If you like him, he treats you well and only if he treats you well, and he is a good person, give him a break. Its all about forgiveness. Life is too short. So she's shallow if she doesn't want to see him again because he has herpes and hid this from her until after they had already had sex 8 times? That is one of the most illogical statements I have ever read on this forum! You can call me shallow, but I would definitely choose an STD-free woman over one riddled with dangerous STDs.
dreamergrl Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 The guy should have been forth coming about it. But lets be honest here, at this day and age, if you're having unprotected sex without talking about the consequences first, you are at fault too. OP please keep in mind, when you get your test done, it can take up to four months after contracting the disease for it to show up in your blood work. You may test negative, but still have it. I'm curious to know though, does he have type 1 or 2. Either can be in the genital area and/or the oral area. I must say though, I understand what Panda Girl is trying to say. It doesn't make what he did right, but I'm sure there are many posters here who couldn't even imagine being in his position. It's easy to say you'd be honest without having to be in that situation. It was not right to put OP's health at risk, but still, if OP is mature enough to be having sex, OP should be mature enough to be smart about it. With that said... OP, if you decide to stay with this guy, it's time to do some research, and talk to him more in depth about it. Find out if he's taking meds for it. And continue to get tested if you show up as negative. If you decide to leave, I'd wait until enough time has passed for antibodies to show up in your blood before having sex (if you test negative).
xpaperxcutx Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 if he was the kind that go out and prowl for sex, and OP had asked him about his STD status, would you think he would have been straight forward? They had sex more than once. Even if she hadn't asked, I would think that an STD infected person would have the decency to bring it up. But he hadn't and that makes him the one mostly at fault.
dreamergrl Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 if he was the kind that go out and prowl for sex, and OP had asked him about his STD status, would you think he would have been straight forward? They had sex more than once. Even if she hadn't asked, I would think that an STD infected person would have the decency to bring it up. But he hadn't and that makes him the one mostly at fault. Anyone having sex should be having this talk period. I never said it was right. But really, imagine you have to tell someone you have herpes. How would you handle it?
xpaperxcutx Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Anyone having sex should be having this talk period. I never said it was right. But really, imagine you have to tell someone you have herpes. How would you handle it? So fear of rejection prompted him to risk her health? H3ll no! :mad: Yeah sure they should have had the talk, but come on, he had more than once to actually be HONEST and STRAIGHT with her. He didn't even have the courtesy to do that. Selfish prick.
JustLooking123 Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Oh my God. I would be IRATE if a guy with an STD knowingly had unprotected sex with me. This is unforgiveable. Has he even been fully tested for other STDs? Lord knows what else he exposed her to. The lesson here: DO NOT HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX unless you both have been tested and "come clean" about your STD past (if any). Unfortunately there are people like this scum man out there, so we have to protect ourselves.
dreamergrl Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 This could have all been avoided by having a talk before sex.
xpaperxcutx Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 This could have all been avoided by having a talk before sex. Again, he could've lied. But now we'll never know. LEt's just hope the OP is not infected and scarred for life.
pandagirl Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Listen, if he thought you couldn't give someone herpes without having a breakout, then he probably thought he was keeping her safe. I just talked to my friend about having herpes the other day, and even though she is a highly educated woman who went to an Ivy League school, she was surprised that I tell every partner I'm with that I have herpes, because she was under the impression that if you aren't having an outbreak or use a condom, you are safe. The OP obviously cares about this guy very much. Were his actions irresponsible and dishonest? Yes. Does it make him a horrible person who doesn't deserve understanding or forgiveness? Not necessarily. Also, for all the women and men on LS: have all of you been tested for HPV or HSV (herpes)? You might have it and not even know, which is why it's spread so much and why about 25% of the population is infected with HSV. If any of you are having unprotected sex or sex period with a partner, all of you should have you and your partner tested. And who is to say one of your boyfriends/girlfriend DOESN'T have herpes? Have you asked or seen the test papers?
dreamergrl Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Listen, if he thought you couldn't give someone herpes without having a breakout, then he probably thought he was keeping her safe. I just talked to my friend about having herpes the other day, and even though she is a highly educated woman who went to an Ivy League school, she was surprised that I tell every partner I'm with that I have herpes, because she was under the impression that if you aren't having an outbreak or use a condom, you are safe. The OP obviously cares about this guy very much. Were his actions irresponsible and dishonest? Yes. Does it make him a horrible person who doesn't deserve understanding or forgiveness? Not necessarily. Also, for all the women and men on LS: have all of you been tested for HPV or HSV (herpes)? You might have it and not even know, which is why it's spread so much and why about 25% of the population is infected with HSV. If any of you are having unprotected sex or sex period with a partner, all of you should have you and your partner tested. And who is to say one of your boyfriends/girlfriend DOESN'T have herpes? Have you asked or seen the test papers? Well said PG. It's obvious the guy feels remorse for what he did. And yes it was wrong. Look at this way too - 90% the population has hsv 1 orally. Do you ever say "Hey I have a cold sore, I can't kiss you right now?"
JustLooking123 Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 It was not this guy's place to expose her to the risk of getting herpes, even if the risk was low. He should have fully disclosed his STD status to her, and let HER make the choice of whether or not to take the risk. Whether or not he meant to cause harm (which I think he did not), his actions show an appalling self-centeredness and thoughtlessness. I'm still shuddering over here just thinking about it.
pandagirl Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Look at this way too - 90% the population has hsv 1 orally. Do you ever say "Hey I have a cold sore, I can't kiss you right now?" Good point, to all those people who have coldsores, do you disclose this information to your partners? Do you perform oral sex on your partner? Well, if you know if have coldsores, you can absolutely spread herpes to your partners genitals. And yes, it is always a risk.
dreamergrl Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 It was not this guy's place to expose her to the risk of getting herpes, even if the risk was low. He should have fully disclosed his STD status to her, and let HER make the choice of whether or not to take the risk. Whether or not he meant to cause harm (which I think he did not), his actions show an appalling self-centeredness and thoughtlessness. I'm still shuddering over here just thinking about it. I think his actions showed that he was scared of having to scare of a girl that he likes. It doesn't make it right, but it doesn't make him self-centered. It takes two people to have sex. It takes two people to make the responsible choice. It takes two people to have the conversation about the risk of unprotected sex.
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