Nemoralis Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 I've been dating a wonderful guy for about 2 months now. We both got out of long term relationships a few months ago so have been taking things slow and have not called ourselves "official" yet. But he is amazing. I'm more attracted to him physically and mentally than any person I've ever been with. We have similar interests, get along with each others' friends, and have SO much fun together. Last night we went to our favorite club and had a great time. I stayed over at his place and we talked a little about our "relationship." On our way back to my place, he dropped a huge bomb on me. He has genital herpes. He said he doesn't know how he got it, if his ex cheated on him and gave it to both of them or if one of them had it dormant for years before they got together. I am the first person he's ever told. He was clearly very nervous and kept saying things like "I'll understand if I never hear from you again" and "I want to at least still be friends with you" etc. He is out of town for a few days and I think he fully expects me to leave him as soon as he gets back. I felt so badly for him when he told me. He said that he fully expected to stay single for the rest of his life, that he was resigned to it. Clearly I am shocked. We are young (19 and 21). Both have a lot of dating experience and know what we want. Somehow I feel closer to him because he told me this and care about him even more. But at the same time, I realize that we are both young could break up, potentially leaving me with an incurable STD. Also, we have been having unprotected sex. He thinks that you can't spread it when not experiencing an outbreak, but I know that you can. We haven't had sex too often (8 or 9 times). I wish he would have told me sooner. I guess I just needed to tell someone since I can't tell anyone that I actually know in person. I feel this is too personal for him for me to discuss with even my closest friends. Help?
Citizen Erased Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Also, we have been having unprotected sex. He thinks that you can't spread it when not experiencing an outbreak, but I know that you can. We haven't had sex too often (8 or 9 times). I wish he would have told me sooner. Get tested, now. Yesterday. He keeping this to himself is not too terrible, 2 months isn't that long and it is understandable not wanting to reveal this to just anyone. But having unprotected sex with you during this time...there is no excuse. Never have unprotected sex with someone you barely know, you should know that sweetie, come on.
pandagirl Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Ok, first I have herpes. Second, he really should have told you PRIOR to having sex. It's scary to tell someone, but he is either lying or completely misinformed, because you can spread herpes even if you don't have an outbreak -- the chances are much less -- but it's still possible. Not to scare you, but you should get tested. You may show up negative, since it takes awhile for a herpes test to accurately test positive or negative. And a regular STD testing does not include a herpes test -- you have to ask your doctor specifically for one. The good news is, herpes will not kill you. It doesn't cause any major health problems nor does it cause cancer or infertility. Most of the trauma is emotional, but I have learned to deal with having it, and I have adjusted to having it quite well! Only you can decide what to do. Both of you are young, he hasn't had the experience of telling someone before, if he was older I would find his actions unforgivable. You know him best and can judge his character best.
robinincarolina Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Oh my. Its ok. Don't let that stop you. It took a lot of courage to tell you about this. Put the shoe on the other foot. What if it was you, it can happen to anyone. Everytime he gets into a new relationship, this has got to hang over his head and will for the rest of his life. He would not have told you had he not cared about you. Admire him for telling you because so many don't. It means he sees you as a potential mate. Worst case scenerio, you get it. You won't die. Millions live with it every day. Don't shut him down because of this. The fact that he told you speaks volumes about his character. I imagine this herpes thing has helped build his character. He could be abusive, disrespectful, and ass, you get my point. He is not. He was honest. Again, step in his shoes and how would you feel.
DarkestDreams Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 He wasn't honest at all. If he was such a great guy, he would have told her BEFORE having UNPROTECTED sex! And yes, that does speak volumes about his character.
Citizen Erased Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 He wasn't honest at all. If he was such a great guy, he would have told her BEFORE having UNPROTECTED sex! And yes, that does speak volumes about his character. Agreed. If you can't be truthful, keep it in your pants until you can.
Author Nemoralis Posted May 25, 2009 Author Posted May 25, 2009 Only you can decide what to do. Both of you are young, he hasn't had the experience of telling someone before, if he was older I would find his actions unforgivable. These are exactly my thoughts. He and his ex had just found out about it last August, and he hasn't had to tell anyone yet. If we were both older and he had waited to tell me about it until after we'd had sex, I'd probably leave him immediately. But as is, he was just young, inexperienced and scared. He is so perfect in every way and wants to make something of himself. I think this is a major emotional problem for him. He has talked to me before about valuing our friendship and not wanting to mess anything up. Now I know why he was so hesitant. Many of the things he's said in the past make sense now. I feel like this is a defining point for us. We can continue and really commit for the long haul or move on. I think I am definitely willing to look past it. It's just been an emotional day. And I can't confide in my best friend about it :-(
Ruby Slippers Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Also, we have been having unprotected sex. He thinks that you can't spread it when not experiencing an outbreak, but I know that you can. We haven't had sex too often (8 or 9 times). I wish he would have told me sooner. In my opinion, it is unforgivable that he did not disclose the fact that he has an STD before he had sex with you. Granted, it is your responsibility to have a conversation with your partner about STDs before having sex, but it's also his responsibility to disclose the fact that he is infected. I would break up with him over not telling me before having sex. And I would not be in a sexual relationship with someone who has herpes -- especially if I were your age.
xpaperxcutx Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 These are exactly my thoughts. He and his ex had just found out about it last August, and he hasn't had to tell anyone yet. If we were both older and he had waited to tell me about it until after we'd had sex, I'd probably leave him immediately. But as is, he was just young, inexperienced and scared. He is so perfect in every way and wants to make something of himself. I think this is a major emotional problem for him. He has talked to me before about valuing our friendship and not wanting to mess anything up. Now I know why he was so hesitant. Many of the things he's said in the past make sense now. I feel like this is a defining point for us. We can continue and really commit for the long haul or move on. I think I am definitely willing to look past it. It's just been an emotional day. And I can't confide in my best friend about it :-( No, no, no. He wasn't forthcoming to you about his STD, and told you after having had unprotected sex with you. You need to get tested. This is your life we're talking about, not some other recreational activity or whatever you don't take seriously. If you decide to stay with him, chances are you will get infected, if you haven't already, after having sex with him. I highly recommend you think things through, especially needing to get tested right away. He doesn't sound all that sincere despite being the perfect person you say he is. He wasn't honest about it from the beginning and he could have passed on it to you. How can you be so forgiving? Even if he haven't had an outbreak, he could have informed you about things before having sex. It's not even about the outbreaks, it's about careful and not transmitting the herpes to you or anyone else. Imagine if he did it to someone else, I'm pretty sure you would be shocked that he is going around having sex and possibly spreading it around.
Author Nemoralis Posted May 25, 2009 Author Posted May 25, 2009 I do basically agree with all that you said. Obviously I will get tested, that is a given. I am mostly asking for help on the relationship aspect of this. He thinks it is impossible to spread the virus while not experiencing an outbreak. I know that this is not the case, but it does explain why he did not tell me from the get go. And the fact that he has no experience with this. I don't think he really thought things through himself. On the other hand, I DO agree that he should have told me about any STDs BEFORE having sex, regardless of whether or not he thought it would spread. I am really confused now. I truly care about this guy, even more so now that he's opened up to me about something so personal. But I just wish he'd have told me beforehand.
xpaperxcutx Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 I do basically agree with all that you said. Obviously I will get tested, that is a given. I am mostly asking for help on the relationship aspect of this. He thinks it is impossible to spread the virus while not experiencing an outbreak. I know that this is not the case, but it does explain why he did not tell me from the get go. And the fact that he has no experience with this. I don't think he really thought things through himself. On the other hand, I DO agree that he should have told me about any STDs BEFORE having sex, regardless of whether or not he thought it would spread. I am really confused now. I truly care about this guy, even more so now that he's opened up to me about something so personal. But I just wish he'd have told me beforehand. Having an STD is not about experience, it's about being responsible. It's like you telling me that it's okay he has HIV/AIDS as long as he use a condom, it won't spread. STDs are serious, even if it's just herpes. Imagine getting something worse that is life-threatening. If he lacks experience, I would imagine he would have taken his spare time to study up on the disease and not spread it around. Even I know when seeing one's doctor, they will inform you to let a partner know beforehand if you're sexually active. You're letting him blindside you from realizing the truth about the kind of person he is and going along with this. Suppose you do get infected ( which hopefully god forbid), and you guys end up in a relationship. If that relationship does not work out, you will have to live with herpes the rest of your life. So it's not about him having or not having experience. It's about him being responsible, which unfortunately, is not the case.
Ruby Slippers Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 I truly care about this guy, even more so now that he's opened up to me about something so personal. Don't let your inexperience -- and his -- and tendency to mother him, which comes out in so many women at your age when dealing with a guy of his age, blind you to the reality of the situation. You're feeling the urge to take care of him and accommodate him since he is showing you his vulnerable side. Your empathy is commendable, but don't make concessions you wouldn't make rationally because you are feeling the pull of emotions. Herpes is a BIG DEAL. Just one story to illustrate: A friend of mine contracted it from her cheating ex and had to have a C-section when she had her first child. The stress of late pregnancy and looming birth caused an outbreak, and during an outbreak, a pregnant woman has to have a C-section instead of a natural birth so the baby's mucous membranes (eyes, for example) and body do not get infected with the herpes virus. Again, I see it as unforgivable that he did not share such critical information before having sex with you. I don't care how young he is -- that reveals a complete lack of responsibility and consideration for you and your well-being. If it were me, I would dump him immediately.
xpaperxcutx Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Don't let your inexperience -- and his -- and tendency to mother him, which comes out in so many women at your age when dealing with a guy of his age, blind you to the reality of the situation. You're feeling the urge to take care of him and accommodate him since he is showing you his vulnerable side. Your empathy is commendable, but don't make concessions you wouldn't make rationally because you are feeling the pull of emotions. Herpes is a BIG DEAL. Just one story to illustrate: A friend of mine contracted it from her cheating ex and had to have a C-section when she had her first child. The stress of late pregnancy and looming birth caused an outbreak, and during an outbreak, a pregnant woman has to have a C-section instead of a natural birth so the baby's mucous membranes (eyes, for example) and body do not get infected with the herpes virus. Again, I see it as unforgivable that he did not share such critical information before having sex with you. I don't care how young he is -- that reveals a complete lack of responsibility and consideration for you and your well-being. If it were me, I would dump him immediately. Couldn't agree more.
robinincarolina Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 I may get banned from this furom for saying what I am about to say. Do you have any clue how hard it is to have to tell someone what he obviously told you. He didn't wait years. Do you have any idea the rejection he has obviously faced in the past for sharing this? Do you know what that can do to a person. It makes you not want to tell it, because you know you will be judged. After years of dealing with this, maybe he has come to realize that it takes a special woman to accept this and how could he possibly find her if he tells her in the beginning. She is going to run for the hills. Ok first date. I am having a great time, but by the way, I have herpes. Would he ever make it to the second date? NOT. Granted he may have put you at some risk. How shallow are you going to be. Is this really that unforgivable if you put yourself in his shoes. Really, if you are that shallow, he would be better off with someone else. I can guarantee you that there is a great woman out there that would not be fretting so much over all this. I know, I am one. I completely understand, because I have been with a man that had to go through the telling me ordeal. I am 46. He had dealt with the rejection over and over in his life. Good Lord, thats trivial compared to all the challenges you are going to have to face in life like raising children, losing loved ones, having your heart torn out and the list goes on and on. Put it into perspective. If you like him, he treats you well and only if he treats you well, and he is a good person, give him a break. Its all about forgiveness. Life is too short.
Shygirl15 Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 If it were me, I would dump him immediately. If it was me, I would have sued his a$$ as well. Intentionally spreading a serious STD such as herpes is a crime. Personally I believe it was intentional, otherwise he could have told you beforehand.
Art_Critic Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 I may get banned from this furom for saying what I am about to say. Do you have any clue how hard it is to have to tell someone what he obviously told you. He didn't wait years. Do you have any idea the rejection he has obviously faced in the past for sharing this? Do you know what that can do to a person. It makes you not want to tell it, because you know you will be judged. After years of dealing with this, maybe he has come to realize that it takes a special woman to accept this and how could he possibly find her if he tells her in the beginning. She is going to run for the hills. Ok first date. I am having a great time, but by the way, I have herpes. Would he ever make it to the second date? NOT. Granted he may have put you at some risk. How shallow are you going to be. Is this really that unforgivable if you put yourself in his shoes. Really, if you are that shallow, he would be better off with someone else. I can guarantee you that there is a great woman out there that would not be fretting so much over all this. I know, I am one. I completely understand, because I have been with a man that had to go through the telling me ordeal. I am 46. He had dealt with the rejection over and over in his life. Good Lord, thats trivial compared to all the challenges you are going to have to face in life like raising children, losing loved ones, having your heart torn out and the list goes on and on. Put it into perspective. If you like him, he treats you well and only if he treats you well, and he is a good person, give him a break. Its all about forgiveness. Life is too short. Robin.. honesty in a relationship doesn't just begin 2 months in after you finally decide to tell because you may have put your partner at risk.. Honesty begins on day ONE.. You can look at it any way you want but covering up a serious health issue that can affect your partner is deceptive and not honest. This really isn't about whether or not she got herpes from him or what herpes is or isn't.. this is about honesty.. and he didn't muster up to the honesty test from the get go.. I will agree with you that for the original poster it is more about forgiveness.. Some might call it forgiveness and some might call it ignoring a huge red flag.. I personally have a zero tolerance rule in effect for lying .. but that is me...
Asami Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 He wasn't honest at all. If he was such a great guy, he would have told her BEFORE having UNPROTECTED sex! And yes, that does speak volumes about his character. I agree with this...
Shygirl15 Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Seriously, Robincarolina?? Really?? Feel free to press the button but I think that's the most ignorant advice I have ever read on here in a long time. So, you're basically advising OP to put her health at risk for a guy she has dated for 2 months? NO, NO, and NO. From a health point of view, what you're advising her to do is so very dangerous. I hope OP is smart enough to see this. This man is to stay so far away from. He has an incurable disease that could spread out to her. She still has her chance to escape from this, he doesn't. Let's save at least one person in this situation, shall we? Plus he didn't tell her until after a couple of sexual intercourse with her. What does that tell us about his morals?
mental_traveller Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Maybe talk to a doctor and/or a therapist about it - individually at first, then jointly if you want to keep seeing him. Personally I would not sleep with someone who had genital herpes unless I liked them enough that I was 100% sure I wanted to spend the rest of my life with them. You have a good chance of catching it and it's then incurable for life. If you split up it seriously crimps your dating options.
Jilly Bean Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 And in another month, will it be, "Honey, I'm HIV+/have Hep C/genital warts, but never had a symptom, so I'm sure you're OK." OP - I'm surprised you're not flipping mad at this. I know you *think* you have a lot of dating experience at 19, but you don't. What he did was inexcusable, and your response of feeling "closer" to him is really, really concerning. He has now exposed you to an STD that if infected, you will carry like an evil stigma for the rest of your life, all because of his extreme selfishness. Don't be fooled by his latent "honestly". He purposely misled you, and don't think for a second he wouldn't hide other things from you.
Lindarose84 Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Wow this guy is a turd. Plain and simple. He may not have had to disclose it on his first date with you, but he sure as heck had to disclose it to you before he decided to stick his infected and unprotected penis in you. He KNEW he had it at that time but obviously your health was the least of his concern- why would he care? He has it already and his only concern was being able to feel skin on skin contact again with someone since for the rest of his life he's resigned to using a condom. I would've dumped him right after I slapped the heck out of him and kicked him in his groin. I'm pretty sure this joker figured he would infect you so that you feel that you had no choice but to stay with him since chances are you probably have it now. Legally, this is definitely a case of negligence since he had a legal duty to disclose he had an STD before having unprotected sex with you. I would sue him so fast. OP I don't even know why you're feeling bad for him about anything. He may have changed your life forever. I'd be livid.
mental_traveller Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 I generally agree with everyone else saying it was wrong to sleep with you without telling you. If he had insisted on and then used a condom, it could be overlooked, but he had unprotected sex when he knew he has an STD. That's a big red flag. The guy has serious honesty issues, put your health at risk, and has a lifelong incurable STD. I think you can do better.
xpaperxcutx Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 And in another month, will it be, "Honey, I'm HIV+/have Hep C/genital warts, but never had a symptom, so I'm sure you're OK." OP - I'm surprised you're not flipping mad at this. I know you *think* you have a lot of dating experience at 19, but you don't. What he did was inexcusable, and your response of feeling "closer" to him is really, really concerning. He has now exposed you to an STD that if infected, you will carry like an evil stigma for the rest of your life, all because of his extreme selfishness. Don't be fooled by his latent "honestly". He purposely misled you, and don't think for a second he wouldn't hide other things from you. Don't mean to threadjack, omg Jilly Bean you're back. Wow, haha I missed you on this forum....
Shygirl15 Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Don't mean to threadjack, omg Jilly Bean you're back. Wow, haha I missed you on this forum.... Can you believe it??? I thought we would never see her again! OK, sorry, back to the topic..lol
Jilly Bean Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Can you believe it??? I thought we would never see her again! Don't mean to threadjack, omg Jilly Bean you're back. Wow, haha I missed you on this forum.... Well, they don't let you have internet privileges in prison, ya know. jk. Missed you ladies, too! OP - I hope you are now seeing a consensus of opinion on this guy, and truly hope you will act accordingly. But unlike Mental, I do think even if he insisted on a condom, he was still in the wrong. The oh so very wrong. I would get a FULL STD panel done - everything. Blood work and cultures.
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