Balancing both budgets and dealing with vacation expenses

[prettybaby]

1. Man wants his girlfriend to be happy. So he takes time off work, maybe over extends himself to go on a vacation with her. A vacation to a rather expensive country. Especially in this economy.

 

2. Man discovers woman will be happy seemingly only if she has very expensive room. This is a downer. Especially in a new relationship. Dating someone a couple months. You just feel like you have to spend a lot of money to make a woman happy.

 

When I was younger I went through a similar situation, but I paid for everything. Plane tickets, room, food etc. Girl was not happy with the room. Complained etc. Just a crappy feeling.

 

See, if a man earned more than a woman would he come and repeatedly state that in an internet thread? No. I just sense an underlying "unhappiness" of sorts(for lack of a better word) that this woman is with a man that earns less, as she already mentioned most guys she was with made more money. She was seemingly more comfortable then.

You don't get me at all. I feel like you're relating to your own personal history rather than looking from my perspective.

 

1. He's not taking any time off to go on a vacation with me. He's a teacher, in Europe, he gets 2 months off every Summer. That's more than I get lol And again: Italy is not some kind of super fancy destination to us; it's only 2 hours away by plane. There were other destinations in the books he gave me that I found a bit much for a first trip together. So it may be fancy to you (I'm guessing you live in the States), but to us, it isn't all that outrageous.

 

2. You make me sound like a spoiled brat who'll only be happy if she gets it her way, and only puts the fact that she'll be spending time with her man far down the priority list .... No. It initially didn't even matter where we would go and what we would do. And I already explained the whole decision making process and how it all happened. (I'm starting to wonder if you even read my responses to you further down the thread where I explained everything).

 

3. Yes, we've only been intimate for 3 months, but we've known each other for about a decade. So it's not like a relationship that's completely new and where 2 people are still trying to get to know each other. It's only the couple aspect that I'm discovering now. But everything else feels very comfortable and familiar to us.

 

4. I didn't say that every other man I'd been with made a ton of money and that I'm unhappy with my current boyfriend's income. No. Not at all. I was married for 5 years and my ex made exactly the same as me. I haven't dated a bunch of guy, my ex was the only real long term relationship I've ever had. So never having to think about a budget is pretty much how I'm programmed to function now. It doesn't make me unhappy that my current guy makes less. It's just a new aspect of this new relationship that I'm learning now. And I definitely want to find something that works for us as a couple, because I love him to bits. I'm thinking long term with him; hence why I'm making it a point to really figure this thing out right now so we can start off the right foot.

 

 

 

I guess ideally I like to be with a woman (and I guess most men do) that allow you to pay, and are happy to just be with you.

 

What I have discovered about women is they usually NEVER forget what they spent, and most do not like paying for things done with a man.

 

This says more about your personal history and the type of women you have dated, than the situation and question I wrote in my original post.

[sb129]

 

And although we'll be staying at the hotel I picked, I get the feeling I might have to lower my standards as far as the room is concerned. Hmmf. Compromises are key, right? Right. Hmm. lol

 

Yeah, they are.

Even though you still don't sound so keen on the compromise part! Whats wrong with staying in the hotel you want but lowering your room standards so your BF feels a little more comfortable paying his share?

 

I think thats fair enough and a pretty good compromise on your end.

 

My H and I have done alot of travelling together, from 5* hotels in NYC to camping in the middle of nowhere in Africa- and every single trip has been a blast. We sometimes had the most fun in the slightly shadier parts of the world, but we like our comfort too.

Most of the time we haven't spent too much time actually IN the accomodation- too much to see and do!

We have always split everything 50/50 (but have joint finances so I guess thats a little different to you guys) but we have always tried to do things that we both want, or if one person gets their way about one thing, the other gets to choose another thing etc etc.

 

Compromise does mean not actually getting your way 100%!

 

One thing we did do was if we wanted a little luxury as well as a longer holiday, we split up the time- in NYC for example we stayed in a 5* for two nights, and a 4* for two nights, and then a 3* for the night before we went to the airport because it was literally only to sleep in.

[prettybaby]

^^ I know, I was kind of kidding lol

[sb129]

Well don't give some posters any MORE ammo on girls being spoilt princesses who have to get their own way all the time....

 

 

I lived in Europe this time last year....I don't miss the winters, but a summer in Italy sounds just heavenly.

[Trialbyfire]

Well don't give some posters any MORE ammo on girls being spoilt princesses who have to get their own way all the time....

 

 

I lived in Europe this time last year....I don't miss the winters, but a summer in Italy sounds just heavenly.

Hey, there's nothing wrong with being spoilt and a princess!

[calazhage]

Sb seems to have picked up on the same tone I did.

 

If you are kidding in your replies that does not come across on a message board.

 

Yes you do sound spoiled when you say:

 

" Because I can't see myself staying at crappy places for the rest of my life" Isn't that a little dramatic?

 

"And although we'll be staying at the hotel I picked, I get the feeling I might have to lower my standards as far as the room is concerned. Hmmf. Compromises are key, right? Right. Hmm. lol"

 

"He likes to be the provider, but I want a nice hotel!! I'm not gonna be staying at some average place when I could perfectly afford something fancy for both of us. That would be ridiculous."

 

"I quickly went "Well we can make it one super quality week instead of 2 average ones"

 

Since when does the quality of a vacation with a new mate come down to the cost of the room you are staying in? Your vacation would just be average if you do not stay in a fancy room?

 

And you must have mentioned "his budget" about 10 times, . Are you his mom? Is he a little baby who does not know what amount of money he can spend? Why is knowing and making assumptions about his budget even your business after 3 months?

[prettybaby]

Dude, just give it up. Of course I've mentioned his budget 10 times now; that's the topic we're discussing here and I'm responding to the feedback I'm getting. It would be hard not to mention it when it's the actual subject.

 

Anyway, the situation is cool now, he wrote back and all is well in my little world.

 

I don't feel like justifying any more of my posts to you. You and I are clearly not on the same page, and you and my guy clearly don't have much in common.

[Trialbyfire]

Just play into the stereotype, prettybaby. It makes the veins in his temple pop, in angst!

[calazhage]

Your right. I am not like him at all. He is probably just holding in his views of your desire to get a "fancy" room instead of a "crappy" room as he is more passive.

 

And it does sound strange hearing a woman mention several times things like "I make more than him" or "i will always make more than him" or "I dont want to hurt his fragile ego". I cannot put my finger on it exactly, but something seems askew.

[cbreitel]

Your right. I am not like him at all. He is probably just holding in his views of your desire to get a "fancy" room instead of a "crappy" room as he is more passive.

 

And it does sound strange hearing a woman mention several times things like "I make more than him" or "i will always make more than him" or "I dont want to hurt his fragile ego". I cannot put my finger on it exactly, but something seems askew.

 

What's with the hostility? Take a chill pill. She was just being frank about her situation, like most of us here. Money issues are an important part of a relationship, and most divorces are actually caused by issues arising out of money, so I get why she wanted to get people's opinions about her dilemna.

[Lucky_One]

"That's not the point guys! At first it didn't even matter where we'd go. The point was to get away for a week or two and be able to totally enjoy each other's company and relax and be together. Which is exactly what this hotel offers: comfort, privacy, it's easy, headache-free, romantic, and all around perfect."

 

Italy is one of the most beautiful and fascinating countries in the world. IMHO, if I were planning a trip there, I would worry far more about the regions that I would be going to rather than the hotel accomodations. It almost sounds as though you could go anywhere in the US for a whole lot cheaper, easier and easily as secluded and romantic, if what you want is to sleep late and make love in the mornings.

 

Alternatively, travel thoughout the towns and cities in the region that you are looking at. Stay in a small pensione a few nights, somewhere mainstream a few nights and somewhere luxurious two nights. Rent a car and travel - that is why you are there!

[Els]

1. Man wants his girlfriend to be happy. So he takes time off work, maybe over extends himself to go on a vacation with her. A vacation to a rather expensive country. Especially in this economy.

 

2. Man discovers woman will be happy seemingly only if she has very expensive room. This is a downer. Especially in a new relationship. Dating someone a couple months. You just feel like you have to spend a lot of money to make a woman happy.

 

When I was younger I went through a similar situation, but I paid for everything. Plane tickets, room, food etc. Girl was not happy with the room. Complained etc. Just a crappy feeling.

 

I guess ideally I like to be with a woman (and I guess most men do) that allow you to pay, and are happy to just be with you.

 

What I have discovered about women is they usually NEVER forget what they spent, and most do not like paying for things done with a man.

 

See, if a man earned more than a woman would he come and repeatedly state that in an internet thread? No. I just sense an underlying "unhappiness" of sorts(for lack of a better word) that this woman is with a man that earns less, as she already mentioned most guys she was with made more money. She was seemingly more comfortable then.

 

So this is an issue of gender roles as you define them, then. You didn't answer my question, but I assume you think that if she was a man and just wanted to go somewhere nice with his girl and offered to pay for it, her actions are commendable. Whereas, because she's female and thus is trying to do it with more discretion and respect for her partner, she's being bossy and selfish.

[BlueEyedGirl]

This man sounds sooo incredibly passive and pu##y whipped. If prettybaby suggested that they jump of a bridge and comit suicide tommorrow, he would just go for it. I am not sure if he is supressing parts of his personality to please her or if he is truly like that. And I am not sure which is worse either.

[prettybaby]

Thanks for all the insults everyone.

[prettybaby]

Ok, I was just gonna leave it at that, but this really bothers me. Why are some of you being so mean? You're insulting me and the man I love. I don't know what I've done to deserve such harsh comments and insults. He's a really sweet guy and we love and respect each other a lot.

 

BlueEyedGirl's comment takes the cake. While calazhage is being extremely hostile for no apparent reason, he's at least sort of sticking to the topic. BlueEyedGirl is being plain insulting without even adding anything constructive related to my original post. Why even bother typing such things when it's not addressing the original question at all? It's mean and it's pointless.

[calazhage]

I also think the OP has the wrong idea of travel, at least in a way.

 

Yes, later different facts came out, but her original reaction was to cut a trip to Italy short by half to have enough money to stay in a fancy hotel. As she stated :

 

I quickly went "Well we can make it one super quality week instead of 2 average ones" And he smiled and agreed.

 

 

As someone else suggested the EXACT room you are staying in should be of less importance than the regions etc. First of all if I am that strapped I would not be taking a vacation. But if I was I would want to see as much as possible, so I would make my money go further however possible. You can see plenty of amazing things in Italy during that extra week, and it would be sad to miss out because your priority is sitting in a fancy room. Kind of defeats the whole purpose of travelling.

 

Will you only be happy if he is taking you to expensive restaurants as well? The nice restaurants with the nice views?

 

 

And Els the thread is about gender roles. A man treating a woman would NOT make her uncomfortable unless she was not into him, and thought he might have ulterior motives, but this would not be the case.

 

She is uncomfortable, and has made him uncomfortable because she has fancy tastes he cannot afford. Even after he hinted it is too expensive in his own passive way she kept prodding for a fancy room, almost booking it behind his back, not regarding his feelings.

 

Long term I do see all of this to be a problem. She makes more money and has fancy tastes. He makes less and does not have fancy tastes. He is kind of submissive and she will get bored after a while, or just always feel uncomfortable.

[BlueEyedGirl]

Sorry, but I am blunt and say what I think. That is what comes across from all your threads. Comment is not against you personally, but my pet hate are weak, passive, wimpy, doormaty men. If you like that, more power to you. I have called other men that here posted pu%%y whipped before. I just get very irritated when I see evidence of such a behiviour in a man.

[calazhage]

Well you did say:

 

"He always leaves decisions up to me."

 

"I have tried to make him have more of a say in things we do, places we go to, etc, and then sort of meet him in the middle, but he leaves a lot of the decision making up to me."

 

I have yet to meet a girl who likes to be the leader. I guess you are the same, or you would not be trying to make him have more of a say in things.

 

In situations like that is it just strange...

 

Woman: What should we do tonight?

 

Man: Uhh, I don't know, it is up to you.

 

Woman: Ok let's go out to dinner at restaurant XYZ.

 

Man: Isn't that place kind of expensive?

 

Woman: Ok, I'll pay (uncomfortably)

 

Man : Ok (uncomfortably)

 

It just seems like this would extend to all areas of life in the future. The furniture you buy, the type of place you live in, the vacations you take, the places you eat at etc. Especially if he always meekly agrees with every suggestion.

[Els]

If all women were to adhere to your definition of gender roles, calazhage, no woman would EVER date a man who earned less than her. Because it's just silly that ANYthing they do must be restricted by the guy's budget because he's the one that HAS to pay for all of it even though the woman is perfectly willing and capable to do so.

 

Accepting a treat from one's gf once in a while and making it up by paying for other parts of the trip is hardly emasculating in my opinion. If a guy refuses because he can afford it, fine. But if he cannot afford it but refuses to allow her to pay for a greater level of comfort and enjoyment for both, that would just be unreasonable. Kinda like the 'Well, we've been going in circles for ages but I refuse to let you ask anyone for directions because I am MAN and I never ask for directions!' ego thing.

 

Also it's evident that prettybaby and her bf have very different ideas on travel from you. Each to their own, no?

[calazhage]

The OP's boyfriend idea of travel is similar to mine. As she said he stays in average places. That does not matter to her, as she needs a fancy place. And he is passive, so she really has no idea how he truly feels.

 

Admittedly she made herself, and him uncomfortable over a fancy room.

[Els]

I personally think it makes a man more of a man to be able to put his pride away a little in the face of reason and making his gf happy, once in a while. To be able to deal maturely with 'discomforts' of this sort.

 

Doormats allow themselves to be taken advantage of all the time. But 'not being a doormat' doesn't mean that the man can not give a single inch towards his partner in compromise, nor discuss openly about such things.

[prettybaby]

The OP's boyfriend idea of travel is similar to mine.

No it's not. Here's your idea of travel:

 

 

 

I would want to see as much as possible, so I would make my money go further however possible. You can see plenty of amazing things in Italy during that extra week, and it would be sad to miss out because your priority is sitting in a fancy room. Kind of defeats the whole purpose of travelling.

And here's his idea of travel: Relax, take it easy, chill by the pool, visit a couple of things, go to some local restaurants, and not worry about how much visits we can squeeze into our stay. He and I are definitely on the same page with this. The maximum of nights we've spent together in a row so far is 2. So I'm sorry if this is TMI, but we're quite looking forward to enjoying some good sex every night and morning. So yeah, a comfy room with a certain level of privacy is on our list. The only thing I realized last minute was the difference in budget, hence this thread.

 

The things you look for in a trip, are not the things we look for. It's not that big of a deal, you know. People have different ways of doing things, it's really okay.

 

As she said he stays in average places.

Yes, he's used to simple rooms, but like I said, he has mainly been traveling by himself in the past, and sometimes with his brother. You cannot say that the way someone travels by themselves or with their brother equals the way they'd want to travel with their significant other. I already explained everything, but for some odd reason, you overlook it all except for a few lines that seem to highly irritate you, even though the reasons behind them is clearly explained throughout this whole thread.

 

Will you only be happy if he is taking you to expensive restaurants as well? The nice restaurants with the nice views?

Of course not. Who said anything about restaurants with fancy views? I'm not planning on having passionate sex in a restaurant, so the comfort level there doesn't matter all that much to me. I think you're picturing me completely wrong, and I don't know why you seem to be so stuck on it.

 

She is uncomfortable, and has made him uncomfortable because she has fancy tastes he cannot afford. Even after he hinted it is too expensive in his own passive way she kept prodding for a fancy room, almost booking it behind his back, not regarding his feelings.

You're misinterpreting me so bad. Since when do new couples immediately figure out every single aspect of their relationship without ever needing to discuss certain things and figure out good dynamics that work for them? That's what I'm doing here. Things have been going extremely smoothly with us so far. This is the first thing I'm actually bumping into, where I'm wondering how I could approach this the best. I could shrug it off and look at it as a detail, but finances are important in a relationship. This trip may look like a superficial issue to you, but I can personally sense that if we're able to find a good compromise on this one, we're probably in for a good long term routine when it comes to the rest of our future financial decisions.

 

Long term I do see all of this to be a problem. She makes more money and has fancy tastes. He makes less and does not have fancy tastes. He is kind of submissive and she will get bored after a while, or just always feel uncomfortable.

I don't have fancy tastes. I don't travel a lot, so when I do, I like to do it right, especially since I can afford it, so why wouldn't I? But if you saw me day to day, your opinion of me would probably take a radical turn.

 

I have yet to meet a girl who likes to be the leader. I guess you are the same, or you would not be trying to make him have more of a say in things.

If you want to look at it in terms of who's the leader, then that's your problem. I look at it as: is everyone happy, and are we finding a good balance here?

 

 

In situations like that is it just strange...

 

Woman: What should we do tonight?

 

Man: Uhh, I don't know, it is up to you.

 

Woman: Ok let's go out to dinner at restaurant XYZ.

 

Man: Isn't that place kind of expensive?

 

Woman: Ok, I'll pay (uncomfortably)

 

Man : Ok (uncomfortably)

That's a nice little scenario you made up here, but that is not even close to how we function. At all.

 

It just seems like this would extend to all areas of life in the future. The furniture you buy, the type of place you live in, the vacations you take, the places you eat at etc. Especially if he always meekly agrees with every suggestion.

No, no, no, you got it all wrong again. We live in similar houses, with similar furniture and have very similar tastes when it comes to stuff like that. So don't be worried about our future, I think we'll match just fine

[bean1]

Sorry, but I am blunt and say what I think. That is what comes across from all your threads. Comment is not against you personally, but my pet hate are weak, passive, wimpy, doormaty men. If you like that, more power to you. I have called other men that here posted pu%%y whipped before. I just get very irritated when I see evidence of such a behiviour in a man.

 

Actually, that IS pretty personal. I'm not sure if you've looked at the threads you've started, but it's pretty obvious that baby has her stuff together a hell of a lot better than you, so I'm not sure where you get off telling her that she has a wimpy pussy whipped man. Perhaps if you gave these "pussy whipped" men a decent shot to treat you right you'd have better success than longing for unavailable men who will treat you like crap from under their shoe.

[mr.dream merchant]

Sorry, but I am blunt and say what I think. That is what comes across from all your threads. Comment is not against you personally, but my pet hate are weak, passive, wimpy, doormaty men. If you like that, more power to you. I have called other men that here posted pu%%y whipped before. I just get very irritated when I see evidence of such a behiviour in a man.

 

Aren't you that poster who wants a baby but doesn't want to settle?

[mr.dream merchant]

Actually, that IS pretty personal. I'm not sure if you've looked at the threads you've started, but it's pretty obvious that baby has her stuff together a hell of a lot better than you, so I'm not sure where you get off telling her that she has a wimpy pussy whipped man. Perhaps if you gave these "pussy whipped" men a decent shot to treat you right you'd have better success than longing for unavailable men who will treat you like crap from under their shoe.

 

Word. *arms folded*