Balancing both budgets and dealing with vacation expenses

[prettybaby]

We have been officially a couple for a little over 3 months now; although we've been dating for about 6 months.

 

I make more money than he does. Mind you, he's not broke. He has his own house (which he's still paying off), works 2 jobs, has his car and all he needs. But anyway, I make more money.

 

We decided a few weeks ago to go on a vacation together in August. He made a few suggestions about where we could go, I picked Italy but said that if he had any other preference, I was definitely open to anything. He said Italy sounds good. So Italy it is.

 

He got a few books from a travel agency and asked me to take a look at it. I told him the area that seemed the best to me, he agreed. We sort of discussed the average budget over dinner yesterday. I said that wasn't too bad; that I expected it to be more, so it was cool Then he looked at me like and went : well, those prices are per person, not together. So I was like "oh okay; yeah, that's still alright". Which is when I realized that his budget is probably tighter than mine.

 

Anyway, I showed him one hotel I had found which was the only one with flawless customer reviews. He looked at it, and was like "oh nice! ... Hmm, yeah, it's on the expensive side." And he showed me the prices for one week and for 2 weeks. I quickly went "Well we can make it one super quality week instead of 2 average ones" And he smiled and agreed.

 

But now I feel so uncomfortable about the whole thing!! It's clear we're both paying our own share, but I wouldn't mind paying extra for us to have a great vacation. The thing is, I'm not sure how to word this right to him without making him feel like his manhood is taking a punch.

 

He works hard and likes to pay for our outings; which I've managed to get into a well balanced routine where I pay, then he pays the next time, and so on.

 

But this vacation payment seems like one uncomfortable issue in the making. Any advice? How should I make it clear that I don't mind paying extra for stuff without making him feel uncomfortable? He likes to be the provider, but I want a nice hotel!! I'm not gonna be staying at some average place when I could perfectly afford something fancy for both of us. That would be ridiculous.

[Ruby Slippers]

I would just explain that you prefer higher-end accommodations, dining, etc., and would be happy to pay for the difference between the cost of that and the cost of budget travel.

 

A friend of mine is in the same situation. She makes way more money than her guy and has very expensive tastes, so she pays for all the high-end dates, and he pays for the cheaper ones. Seems to work just fine for them.

 

If he has a problem with the suggestion, that's a bad sign, don't you think?

[Trialbyfire]

"I really like this hotel. Why don't I pay for the hotel and you pay for the meals and entertainment?"

[prettybaby]

If he has a problem with the suggestion, that's a bad sign, don't you think?

I wouldn't say it's a bad sign. It's just a sign that neither of us have been in this situation before and haven't got a good balance figured out just yet. The male ego is a fragile thing. You can't expect a guy to just swallow his pride and let his woman take the lead when it comes to values that have been anchored into the male gender role for so long. Which is why I'm being very careful with the way I'm handling this situation now. It's new to me too. My ex and I made the same amount of money, so it's something I've never had to even think about. Plus, I'm younger than him; so I'm putting myself in his shoes and I know it has got to cause conflicting feelings in his head to see me cashing out for stuff + taking care of things for him; when he would logically be in the protective / provider role.

 

"I really like this hotel. Why don't I pay for the hotel and you pay for the meals and entertainment?"

That actually sounds like a great idea. Hmmm

[prettybaby]

Alright, I decided to play the honesty card and not book anything behind his back. I sent him an e-mail explaining that I'd really love to treat both of us to this awesome room I saw, and that I think it would work out nicely if he takes care of the plane tickets and outings. Because I'd feel very guilty if we were splitting hotel costs 50/50.

 

I added a quick run down of the numbers and what it would probably add up to for him (I didn't specify the price I'd be paying). And told him I was just trying to figure out a good way for us to divide costs, in a way that would be the most practical and also suit his budget. I said I really had no idea what his limit was, so I'm merely going by guesses right now.

 

I also told him it might be easier that way, because then we wouldn't have to keep up with whose turn it is to pay every time we go out.

 

God, I hope he doesn't take this the wrong way. I'm just aware of the fact that it would probably be best not to play any games about this. Also because that way we might find a system that works great for both of us, and that will work on the long run if we travel more together (which I'm definitely hoping for).

 

What do you guys think? I'm holding my breath right now. He'll probably read it in about 3 or 4 hours.

[calazhage]

Focus less on incomes, as I feel your attitude might really annoy him. It comes off as condescending.

 

Men and women simply travel differently. Here is an example.

 

An ex girlfriend of mine whom I am still friends with asked me to go to Egypt with her. I make about 4 times as much money as she does.

 

Her heart was set on taking this 9 day 5 star cruise of sorts which would run about $6,000 per person. Could I afford it? Yes. Do I want to spend my money in that manner? No.

 

I would get really irritated quickly if she started in with "Oh, if you can't afford it I can pay a little more" etc. Or "Let's see what suits your budget"

 

Why don't you leave suggestions of his budget out of the equation and let him speak for himself without putting words into his mouth.

 

Also, do not be so selfish. What is the point of the trip? To see Italy with the guy you are dating. Why must you have it 100% your way? You picked the time, the country, and now must pick the exact hotel? Are you his mom? If you can't stay exactly where you want to then you would want to shorten the entire trip by half?

 

It just seems so boring to me. Italy has so much to offer, yet you are judging the quality of your trip on how nice your room is? How often do you plan on sitting in your room?

[blind_otter]

I went to Europe with my S/O a few years ago and he has always made like 2-3 times as much money as I do...we just agreed that we would each pay for specific parts of the vacation. I paid mainly for the house we rented in Italy for 2 weeks, and he paid for the rest of our accomodations, food and other travel expenses....

 

It worked out well and we didn't argue much about money on that trip.

[calazhage]

If I am going on a vacation with a woman, I just book it and pay for it. I am a man.

 

Now let's say I am dating a woman whom makes less than me. How on Earth could I put her in the position of "Well, I want to go on vacation with you,and I know I make more,but I have to stay at this high end place, and that is what is most important to me. Is it in your budget? Huh Huh? if you can't afford it then let's only stay a week. We must figure out a way to divide these costs"

 

I know you did not say that word for word, but that is basically what you are telling him. Personally I would rather go with a woman who wants to see the country than one obsessed with how nice the room is.

 

If you are concerned with letting him be the man then let him be the man. You are not the man as you are pettily trying to divide costs.

[prettybaby]

Focus less on incomes, as I feel your attitude might really annoy him. It comes off as condescending.

 

Men and women simply travel differently. Here is an example.

 

An ex girlfriend of mine whom I am still friends with asked me to go to Egypt with her. I make about 4 times as much money as she does.

 

Her heart was set on taking this 9 day 5 star cruise of sorts which would run about $6,000 per person. Could I afford it? Yes. Do I want to spend my money in that manner? No.

 

I would get really irritated quickly if she started in with "Oh, if you can't afford it I can pay a little more" etc. Or "Let's see what suits your budget"

 

Why don't you leave suggestions of his budget out of the equation and let him speak for himself without putting words into his mouth.

 

Also, do not be so selfish. What is the point of the trip? To see Italy with the guy you are dating. Why must you have it 100% your way? You picked the time, the country, and now must pick the exact hotel? Are you his mom? If you can't stay exactly where you want to then you would want to shorten the entire trip by half?

 

It just seems so boring to me. Italy has so much to offer, yet you are judging the quality of your trip on how nice your room is? How often do you plan on sitting in your room?

I can see where your feedback is coming from. And based on what I described in this thread, I guess it could come across this way. But I guess I should clarify a few things:

 

He always leaves decisions up to me. Like, he'll make a few suggestions, but is mainly concerned about me being happy with the option we end up going for. I have tried to make him have more of a say in things we do, places we go to, etc, and then sort of meet him in the middle, but he leaves a lot of the decision making up to me. Which is why I ended up picking an area, then a hotel, etc. And to be honest, I was never like: "Ooooh, this looks great to me! Let's do that!". I always said "Hey, I think this looks like a good option. What do you think? Any other ideas? I'm open to anything and then we can compare if you like". But with this trip, he's agreed with every suggestion I made from the start. So now I'm like, okay, well, we're going to that area and this is the best hotel I have found, so I know for sure we won't be disappointed. What do you think? And again, he went with it. And only brought up the price after I showed him some pictures in the book he gave me.

 

Mind you, I'm not against his attitude towards the decision making (or lack thereof) for this trip. He has actually traveled a whole lot more than me and he's been to Italy several times (although not this particular place). So I think that, genuinely, it doesn't really matter to him where we go as long as the weather is nice and that I'm happy.

 

I wasn't given any other hotel suggestion from him. So now I've already got my mind set on the one I picked; except I just realized this is most probably a little expensive for him.

 

I mean, at this point, whether I switch to a lower standard hotel, or offer to pay for this one; I truly feel like the effect will be the same: I will basically be settling for an option that has the sole purpose of not hurting his wallet.

 

Your own personal experience with your gf is different. She was the one making less and actually suggesting something ridiculously expensive. My boyfriend has never done that. In fact, he has never brought up prices until yesterday morning, and even then, it wasn't all that clear. And unlike your situation: I'm the one making more money, being left with decisions, and having no issue whatsoever about paying for it. I'm not high maintenance, and I would never expect him to cash out for something he clearly shouldn't have to pay for. But I work hard, I haven't taken a vacation in FOREVER, so I admit I do have my mind set on spending some awesome quality time with him. And yes, I would like a pretty room. Is that so bad? The one I want to get has a private terrace with the most awesome view, and we can have breakfast there, just the two of us. I don't think it gets more romantic than that. So you can't say that staying at some boring generic room with no view and no balcony would make no difference. Yes it would. This is our first trip together, I would enjoy some privacy for the two of us, and I'm pretty sure he would too.

 

But then comes the money question and how I could gracefully pay for certain things without him feeling bad.

[prettybaby]

If I am going on a vacation with a woman, I just book it and pay for it. I am a man.

 

Now let's say I am dating a woman whom makes less than me. How on Earth could I put her in the position of "Well, I want to go on vacation with you,and I know I make more,but I have to stay at this high end place, and that is what is most important to me. Is it in your budget? Huh Huh? if you can't afford it then let's only stay a week. We must figure out a way to divide these costs"

 

Ok, well it was clear from the beginning that we'd be splitting costs. So it was never a question of him booking everything and paying for it all, and "be a man"

 

I admit I was caught off guard when he hinted at the price range, and I honestly had no other option in mind. That was the only hotel I was truly considering. So I basically reacted within a split second and suggested we go one week instead of 2 maybe. I should also clarify: the one week vs 2 weeks question is something we weren't sure about yet. And we had decided that it would basically depend on prices. So really, that's the most logical reaction my brain figured out when caught off balance by his reaction.

 

I thought about it more later that day, which is when I realized it was most probably a bit over his budget. And that's when I started thinking about possible ways to make this work.

 

The rest is explained in my post above.

[cbreitel]

This is complicated. I feel bad for your dilemna, but I also agree with some of the criticism on the thread of your attitude.

 

As a man I can just tell you a couple of things from my own perspective: (1) I would not feel great about knowing that my girlfriend wanted to stay in a higher-end hotel but is staying in a craphole because that's all I can afford; (2) I also don't think I'd be thrilled, but could probably live with, the fact of us staying in a higher-end hotel paid disproportionately by you because I can't afford it.

 

This would all be a non-issue if you just lowered your hotel standards.

 

I'm a high-income earner and think nothing of staying in $15 per day huts when I travel to third world countries. But that's just my style; I realize everyone has different tastes. However you two figure this out will be telling of how your relationship functions. Good luck and keep us posted?

[prettybaby]

However you two figure this out will be telling of how your relationship functions. Good luck and keep us posted?

Thanks, I agree and I'm aware of this. I'm a bit nervous and curious at the same time about how we'll both work this out. Because, our budgets are most likely going to stay unbalanced on the long run. So I hope we can come up with a system that makes us both happy and that we can stick to for future trips.

 

I just like my comfort. I work hard for it and I'm cool with paying for stuff that I realize are NOT essential. Plus it's something we can both enjoy together. I just figured that since he likes to pay for stuff when we go out; this would be a good solution: he gets to pay every time we go out in Italy, and I handle the big hotel bill. I figured that would at least make him feel good, and I added it up, and it does work out to be exactly his budget I think. So he's not getting ripped off and he still gets to spend what he had planned to spend.

 

Hmm, we'll see. I'll keep you guys updated.

[cbreitel]

I think that's a good plan, honestly. Talk it over with him and see what he thinks. You seem to have figured out how our fragile male egos work so I'm sure you will do just fine.

[calazhage]

I guess if he cannot say what is on his mind then you wear the pants and book whatever you want. Just do it.

 

But it is very annoying if you are speaking down to him as the lesser earner, PRETENDING like you are concerned about his pocket book. You really are not, you want to stay in the expensive hotel because that is what you want to do.

 

It also comes off as too bossy for me, but if he is more of the submissive type perhaps it is a good fit. He obviously thinks it is too expensive but is afraid you will not be content otherwise. So he remains quiet.

 

We all work hard, but for me my company is more important than the money spent on a room. As the other poster said this could all be avoided if you simply would be content in a less expensive room. Since money is a limited resource some of us feel it could be better spent in other ways.. I.E. A longer vacation, more excursions, different countries etc. If you are not rich and cannot truly afford it then why pretend.

[prettybaby]

I am worried about his wallet, and I don't want him to spend more than his limit. Which is why the one week option seems to be the best. I calculated everything, and actually, even if we picked a cheaper hotel and split everything 50/50, we'd still be going for one week only. Why? Because I only realized afterwards that the region wasn't the cheapest. So whether I pay for a fancy hotel + let him pay the rest, or we pick a cheaper hotel and both split everything 50/50: one week it is if we want to work with his budget.

 

It's no big deal about the one week. He said one week would be just as good to him before we even started talking about places. And to be honest, it works out better for me too because I have to book dog walkers for my dog (I'm not taking him with me), and I don't wanna leave him for too long.

 

So anyway. No, I don't want to just go ahead and book whatever I want. That's the point. I'm trying to bring up a healthy discussion with him, because it's important. I want this to work on the long run, so I want to figure out something that will work for both of us for every future trip.

 

Obviously, I've never really had to think about budgets when I do stuff, so I didn't really look at prices like I suppose should have (?). And yeah, I guess I could have avoided this issue if I had picked a cheap hotel from the very beginning. But at the same time, I'm glad I didn't. Because I can't see myself staying at crappy places for the rest of my life, when I can perfectly afford something really nice and comfy for both of us. That would be plain stupid. Which is why I'm trying to figure out how I can still get us a nice place while keeping his ego intact.

 

I figure it's best to get to the core of this before we book our first trip. I'm just hoping I worded it right in my e-mail to him. I guess I'll find out before tonight.

 

And why are you telling me to book 2 weeks now to prove that I'm rich or whatever? Are you trying to make me crush his ego even more by paying for an even bigger part myself? I mean, you're not making sense now. I'm trying to keep a good balance while still gracefully paying a bigger part for one aspect of the trip. I'm roughly guessing what his budget is, and I've tried to divide the things we pay for in a relatively equal manner. Even though my bill will be more expensive, I'm basically taking care of one bill. So the number of things he'll get to pay for should balance out the feeling.

 

You could also tell me to pick a different location and a different place, but again, that's counter productive if we're looking at long term dynamics of our relationship and spending habits for each. Plus, any different suggestion I make at this point will very clearly be a lame attempt at matching up his budget. Which I actually find more insulting for him than trying to figure out a good way to make our current plans work nicely.

 

Anyway, I should be hearing from him soon now. Fingers crossed.

[Els]

I guess if he cannot say what is on his mind then you wear the pants and book whatever you want. Just do it.

 

But it is very annoying if you are speaking down to him as the lesser earner, PRETENDING like you are concerned about his pocket book. You really are not, you want to stay in the expensive hotel because that is what you want to do.

 

It also comes off as too bossy for me, but if he is more of the submissive type perhaps it is a good fit. He obviously thinks it is too expensive but is afraid you will not be content otherwise. So he remains quiet.

 

We all work hard, but for me my company is more important than the money spent on a room. As the other poster said this could all be avoided if you simply would be content in a less expensive room. Since money is a limited resource some of us feel it could be better spent in other ways.. I.E. A longer vacation, more excursions, different countries etc. If you are not rich and cannot truly afford it then why pretend.

 

If she were instead a man who wanted to pay for a nice hotel for his gf and himself, would you say the same thing? Bossy, selfish, ill-content, etc?

 

Or would you say it's nice of him to treat his gf to an expensive hotel room?

 

Because that's what she's trying to do, except in a more subtle and delicate manner.

[Trialbyfire]

From what you've written about your man, he doesn't sound like an egomaniac or insecure about his manhood. I'm sure your email was tactful so don't worry about it, unless he responds harshly.

[Stockalone]

Is the problem that he can't afford to spend more or that he doesn't want to spend more?

 

It sounds like the former, but it isn't entirely clear to me. I am just asking this because I usually spend next to nothing for accomodation when I go on vacation. I have always stayed at backpacker hostels or very cheap hotels when I travelled. I simply don't need more than that, so paying for a fancy hotel would not be something that I would want to do.

 

I guess where I am going with this is, what are your (yours and his) expectations of a nice and enjoyable holiday? Are they the same or are they different and compromises are in order?

 

If the problem is that he simply can't afford to spend the kind of money that is needed if you were to split the expenses 50/50, then I like TBF's idea.

[prettybaby]

Well he can't spend crazy amounts, but he doesn't admit it flat out like that. I mean, the man's got his pride. He would spend it if he could, I'm sure. But since he doesn't like to clearly admit what his limit is exactly, I'm kind of having to guess what budget he had in mind (which I'm basing on non-verbal reactions I've noticed about certain amounts). Anyway, that's why I now just asked him clearly. I'm waiting for a response.

 

Don't get me wrong, the hotel I have in mind isn't The Ritz It's not too big, not too small, different types of rooms for different budgets, although the average price is higher than most hotels. It has several swimming pools and lots of different outside patios with apparently great service and good privacy. I want to get one of their rooms on the top floor; which is basically their most expensive and has its own private terrace with breakfast area and everything. Stunning views like you have no idea. Plus, I'm thinking the top floor will most likely be super quiet; as families with children would be on a different floor. I don't want to hear screaming kids in the hall way when we're making passionate love in the morning! LOL

 

I don't know exactly what kind of lodging he's used, although from what I understand, he generally picks average places. Keep in mind the guy has been on vacations alone and with his brother for quite a while! I sense that because he hasn't traveled with a girlfriend in so long, he figured it was safer to let me choose. I think he was worried about making the wrong choices or booking things that wouldn't suit me. I mean, really, some people here are tripping because we won't get to see the whole of Italy. That's not the point guys! At first it didn't even matter where we'd go. The point was to get away for a week or two and be able to totally enjoy each other's company and relax and be together. Which is exactly what this hotel offers: comfort, privacy, it's easy, headache-free, romantic, and all around perfect.

[prettybaby]

Ok, UPDATE!

 

He just wrote back and looked up flights and also the hotel, so he saw all the prices (damn lol). He said the hotel seems really great and he suggests that we share costs 50/50 like we had initially mentioned, "to keep things balanced" he said. He offered to grab some dinner on Wednesday and talk about the details then.

 

Meh, I would have rather just gone ahead and book it with his approval lol But oh well! I'm not going to argue it. He sounded nice and relaxed about it And ended with some silly italian phrase he's learned in a travel book, wishing me sweet dreams and stuff. Hahah

 

Alright, I guess it's cool. And although we'll be staying at the hotel I picked, I get the feeling I might have to lower my standards as far as the room is concerned. Hmmf. Compromises are key, right? Right. Hmm. lol

[Trialbyfire]

Sounds good. Based on what you've posted about him, he didn't strike me as a man full of angst.

 

Wednesday is a great day for you guys to set your budget for the vacation. Why not ask him over for dinner? This way, you have access to the Internet and once you've both agreed to things, book it on the spot.

[prettybaby]

Our mid-week dinners are usually some take away and we generally end up at his place. He's got internet, so we can do that then

 

Thanks for the feedback!!

[cbreitel]

Bon voyage... or whatever the Italian equivalent is. No capisce.

[calazhage]

If she were instead a man who wanted to pay for a nice hotel for his gf and himself, would you say the same thing? Bossy, selfish, ill-content, etc?

 

Or would you say it's nice of him to treat his gf to an expensive hotel room?

 

Because that's what she's trying to do, except in a more subtle and delicate manner.

 

1. Man wants his girlfriend to be happy. So he takes time off work, maybe over extends himself to go on a vacation with her. A vacation to a rather expensive country. Especially in this economy.

 

2. Man discovers woman will be happy seemingly only if she has very expensive room. This is a downer. Especially in a new relationship. Dating someone a couple months. You just feel like you have to spend a lot of money to make a woman happy.

 

When I was younger I went through a similar situation, but I paid for everything. Plane tickets, room, food etc. Girl was not happy with the room. Complained etc. Just a crappy feeling.

 

I guess ideally I like to be with a woman (and I guess most men do) that allow you to pay, and are happy to just be with you.

 

What I have discovered about women is they usually NEVER forget what they spent, and most do not like paying for things done with a man.

 

See, if a man earned more than a woman would he come and repeatedly state that in an internet thread? No. I just sense an underlying "unhappiness" of sorts(for lack of a better word) that this woman is with a man that earns less, as she already mentioned most guys she was with made more money. She was seemingly more comfortable then.

[ruggy]

We have been officially a couple for a little over 3 months now; although we've been dating for about 6 months.

 

I make more money than he does. Mind you, he's not broke. He has his own house (which he's still paying off), works 2 jobs, has his car and all he needs. But anyway, I make more money.

 

We decided a few weeks ago to go on a vacation together in August. He made a few suggestions about where we could go, I picked Italy but said that if he had any other preference, I was definitely open to anything. He said Italy sounds good. So Italy it is.

 

He got a few books from a travel agency and asked me to take a look at it. I told him the area that seemed the best to me, he agreed. We sort of discussed the average budget over dinner yesterday. I said that wasn't too bad; that I expected it to be more, so it was cool Then he looked at me like and went : well, those prices are per person, not together. So I was like "oh okay; yeah, that's still alright". Which is when I realized that his budget is probably tighter than mine.

 

Anyway, I showed him one hotel I had found which was the only one with flawless customer reviews. He looked at it, and was like "oh nice! ... Hmm, yeah, it's on the expensive side." And he showed me the prices for one week and for 2 weeks. I quickly went "Well we can make it one super quality week instead of 2 average ones" And he smiled and agreed.

 

But now I feel so uncomfortable about the whole thing!! It's clear we're both paying our own share, but I wouldn't mind paying extra for us to have a great vacation. The thing is, I'm not sure how to word this right to him without making him feel like his manhood is taking a punch.

 

He works hard and likes to pay for our outings; which I've managed to get into a well balanced routine where I pay, then he pays the next time, and so on.

 

But this vacation payment seems like one uncomfortable issue in the making. Any advice? How should I make it clear that I don't mind paying extra for stuff without making him feel uncomfortable? He likes to be the provider, but I want a nice hotel!! I'm not gonna be staying at some average place when I could perfectly afford something fancy for both of us. That would be ridiculous.

 

Could be a tough one. most men do not like women to pay for the date. Then again, you've been dating for six months. However, when a man sees a woman is now offering and paying for the date, it could make him think that you are going as "friends" and not a "couple". Also, it could be a contrapositive situation or test he may think. In terms of if I do not pay for the date, she will not be happy thus it could be a start to an unhappy relationship.

 

Just something to think about.