lonewoof Posted May 24, 2009 Posted May 24, 2009 I started talking to a woman who I've known of for a couple of years, but had never met until recently. We have mutual friends, similar life experiences, interests, viewpoints... We hit it off right from the start and things started heading in a more romantic direction. But the first time we met she was very anxious and nervous. She later that night told me that she has big issues with intimacy due to sexual abuse as a child and she just isn't in a good place in her life to get close to someone, but that she still hoped we could remain friends. I told her I didn't want to lose her as a friend no matter what, so that's where we stand. Outside of saying that though, not a lot has actually changed. There's not been a single day we haven't been in contact in some way, either email, chatting or talking on the phone for hours most nights. She's become pretty much the closest friend I have. We had an awesome day together last weekend, and later that night talked until all hours of the morning and have the same other nights since. I have to admit that it's hard to dance around the feelings and it's pretty obvious that she has still has the same feelings as well (unless I'm more clueless than I realize). I have no idea where this is all headed and have to admit that I'm a little bit confused with the situation. I'm fine with giving her all the space she needs to feel comfortable, but rightly or wrongly still have hopes of being something more than 'just a friend' someday. Am I just setting myself up for another stay in Heartbreak Hotel? Maybe... It may not end up that I find what I hope for with my new friend and I just may end up getting hurt with this one, but I can finally say after years of isolating myself after the disaster that was my last real relationship, it's worth the risk. To put a question to all of this, am I just setting myself up for a fall?
Ronni_W Posted May 24, 2009 Posted May 24, 2009 Am I just setting myself up for another stay in Heartbreak Hotel? Not necessarily. I was thinking that maybe it would be a good idea to educate yourself about the impact of childhood sexual abuse? First, so that you can make a well-informed decision about whether or not you want to "go there" with a survivor and second, so that you can offer compassionate and appropriate support whether you stay a friend or become a lover. One book is 'Allies In Healing: When The Person You Love Was Sexually Abused As A Child' by Laura Davis. Your local sex abuse centre may also be able to give you direction. Women's hostels may also be a good resource but they are necessarily wary of men (who could be the abusers of those staying at the hostel), so you could ask a female friend to contact them on your behalf. You could, of course, also check out the 'Abuse' forum here at LS but I would ask you to PLEASE NOT try to get your education from a survivor because no matter how sensitive we try to be, an unintended inappropriate question can still be extremely traumatic. Wishing you and your friend best of luck.
Author lonewoof Posted May 24, 2009 Author Posted May 24, 2009 I have been searching for a good on the subject. I just want to support her and be there for her, not matter what direction the relationship may take.
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