mercedesgirl Posted May 24, 2009 Posted May 24, 2009 Hi guys, have recently started seeing a MM (didnt know this when first met - surprise, surprise!). We get along really well, but I am really struggling with the loneliness side to being the OW. I am particularly down now because he is away for a couple of days with the W, visiting her family and so not been able to contact him. How do those who are OW on this site cope with this?
Gottabestrong Posted May 24, 2009 Posted May 24, 2009 Wow, Mercedes. I am really sorry to hear this. How long did it take you to find out he was married? Have you asked him why he is with you when he is married? I mean, has he professed his love for you, or did he make it clear he only wants an affair? Like many others, I am going to advice you to walk away from this. Being the other woman when you are emotionally involved is nearly always painful and leads nowhere. When I found out my guy was married I told him I did not want to be with him if I can't be with him officially. And while I still think about him 24/7 and miss him a lot, I believe this was the only option for me to take. Good luck with everything, hang in there!
White Flower Posted May 24, 2009 Posted May 24, 2009 Hi guys, have recently started seeing a MM (didnt know this when first met - surprise, surprise!). We get along really well, but I am really struggling with the loneliness side to being the OW. I am particularly down now because he is away for a couple of days with the W, visiting her family and so not been able to contact him. How do those who are OW on this site cope with this? How do we cope? It depends on what you want. Do you like having a sexual R with no strings attached? If so, coping is not so hard. If you get too emotionally attached (sounds like you are), then you are in for a very long and rocky roller coaster ride. I hate hearing about guys who lie about being M up front. They seem to know that once you're in love you will forgive them, so that is when they let their big secret out. Bastards! My answer to that is DON'T BE IN LOVE! Force yourself to walk away from this most devious kind of serial cheater. Sorry, but I think he is and he probably has more on the side. There are ways to tell but you must keep your eyes wide open to see it. Coping ways for the no-strings attached are reminding yourself that you do not have to do his laundry, go with him to any of his functions, take care of his children, etc. Just enjoy the few visits you get and the white hot sex. If this is not you, and your heart is involved and you see yourself marrying this guy then I suggest getting out now because if you stay it will only be more of the same. Over and over until it makes no sense. You decide what your needs and desires are. Don't let anyone get in the way of what YOU want.
wildsoul Posted May 24, 2009 Posted May 24, 2009 How recently did you get together with him? Have you gone through the major couple-oriented holidays (Thanksgiving, Xmas, New Years, Valentines Day) alone yet? I couldn't cope. I'd met my guy last January, after the major holidays. When he spent Valentines with his W, I got my first glimpse of how painful it all was and insisted he be separated before I'd continue dating him. (He'd said he was separating when we met, but he hadn't moved out yet.) Fast forward to now, almost 3 months after I ended our 13month relationship. I'll just report that I'm not one that is cut out for dating a separated man, and definitely not an affair. I'll never try that again! Do you think you can handle this? It's a lot to ask of yourself.
whichwayisup Posted May 24, 2009 Posted May 24, 2009 This sounds pretty recent, like maybe less than a year? Ask yourself is he worth it? Do you believe one day (or has he given you any indication) he'll leave his wife and kids for you? Keep in mind, you've said you're not sure if want to be the OW, you also know this man lied/omitted the truth - made it seem like he wasn't married. Yet he is. Why would you knowingly continue with him now?
sugarmomma Posted May 24, 2009 Posted May 24, 2009 Keep in mind, you've said you're not sure if want to be the OW, you also know this man lied/omitted the truth - made it seem like he wasn't married. Yet he is. Why would you knowingly continue with him now? I have the same question for her. I was involved with two married men. The first was 9 months after my marriage ended (i was still on the rebound) and he was just for fun since I didn't have any feelings for him. We agreed that it would just be for the summer and it ended after the summer (lasted about 3 months). He still calls me every now again just to ask how I'm doing. The other was one a different story. I was totally smitten with him and he with I. When we met he said he was in a miserable relationship with his xw and only went back for the kids. Said that he intended to leave so I jumped in with one foot. He spent V Day with her and that was my first glimpse of what was to come. I told myself that I would give it 6 months but I could only last 3 months since my emotions were very involved. I ended it and he was not happy. I am almost 2 months out of that affair with NC. So, if you have feelings for him that are growing, I say put your tennis shoes on and RUN as far as you can in the opposite direction from him. If you don't have feelings for him and just want to be with him for sex, I say go for it but not too long, sex has a way of bringing up feelings for women if you do it too much. Note** Everytime we settle for less, we get even less than we settle for. I would suggest you evaluate closely what it is that you want and feel deserving of from a relationship. Either way, welcome and we're glad you are here!
Mino Posted May 24, 2009 Posted May 24, 2009 Do you like PAIN? Wait until you fall in love, I dont think you have even started to expirence what the pain could be like... get out before you get emotionally invested. But we never listen... do we ow/om? !!!
fooled once Posted May 24, 2009 Posted May 24, 2009 You just posted this the other day - May 17 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=189148&page=1 You seemed to "get it" that you would always be 2nd place. Yet you continue to stay ....
Mino Posted May 24, 2009 Posted May 24, 2009 You just posted this the other day - May 17 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=189148&page=1 You seemed to "get it" that you would always be 2nd place. Yet you continue to stay .... she did .... I guess we know what that means.... She is staying, LOL,, Hope she can endure the ride:o
GreenEyedLady Posted May 24, 2009 Posted May 24, 2009 MG: I am one of the FOW who was lied to. I didn't find out until it had been well over a year. I also happen to be one of the fortunate ones (or shall I say he was the fortunate one? He agrees that he is the one who was fortunate.) We are now married but it was a long, emotional haul. I will say this, he did everything he could to make ME the priority. And I was NEVER second. I wouldn't have stood for that anyway. I broke up with him when I felt I couldn't handle it anymore. Basically we were together for 3 years before they separated and we moved in together right away after the split. We married when the ink was dry. I was a single mother with two kids. If you really love him and think he's worth the chance, you need to figure out what you need and then tell him. Don't accept less than you need because of the nature of the R. That is the first mistake OW make. They think they can't make demands or ask for what they need because they are "supposed" to be 2nd. I call bull**** on that. Your MM wants to keep you as happy as he can because you are filling a NEED for him. You scratch his back and guess what? He needs to scratch yours. There are lots of stories on here and it seems as if mine is an aberration and maybe it is. But I will tell you how I handled it: I expected him to treat me as any other man I dated. With respect and care. And believe me I NEVER accepted treatment as number 2. Plus, I made him put his money where his mouth is. Be true to yourself. What will be, will be. GEL
Lyssa Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 My situation is pretty much like GEL's. We are now engaged and just taking things slowly. During the time I was OW, it wasn't easy but I was never second best. Never let anyone make you his second priority.
Lyssa Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Hi MG, My situation is pretty much like GEL's (I didn't know he was married in the beginning) except I am engaged, we haven't decided when to get married yet! We went through a lot and throughout all the ups and downs, I have never let myself be his second best. You have to make him hear you out - this is if you decide to go through with the affair. But if I were you, knowing that only about 2 months that he is married - I would let him go.
Lyssa Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Sorry for the double post! I accidentally clicked X and realised I had to re-type.
White Flower Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Sorry for the double post! I accidentally clicked X and realised I had to re-type. Naw, you just like to blab.:laugh:Just kidding honey. Hugs!
Lyssa Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Naw, you just like to blab.:laugh:Just kidding honey. Hugs! At times, I do!!
MichelleS1983 Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 How do those who are OW on this site cope with this? How do YOU cope with having been conned and STILL continuing to give this lying loser the time of day? As I just asked another poster in another thread who ALSO allowed a con artist to scam her - where's your self respect? Where's your pride? You let some creep LIE to you about being married then you continue disrespecting YOURSELF by giving this creep the time of day? You don't think you deserve better than some lying scam artist looking for a cheap thrill? Jesus.
boldjack Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 I can't believe I'm saying this but,GEL, your post was right on the money. OW's always seem to expect less, and nobody should have to settle for that.
baloo2 Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Get out before it all goes tits up. Please do it! I was the OW and it truly sucks, and needless to say, the MM broke my heart and left me on my own to pick up the pieces. Unless you can be satisfied with a sex only relationship and know you won't develop any meaningful feelings (which I highly doubt) abide by your better judgement and leave this man right now. Trust me, even white hot sex isn't going to be worth the heartache you'll have to bear a few months down the line when you're truly attached to him. You will find yourself unashamedly waiting for the phone to ring; enduring pain when he goes on further vacations; you'll constantly be told he can't see you when it suits you (it will all be on his terms) and he'll get to you by not being available to you whenever you want to talk to him (you'll not be able to contact him when he's with family). You'll also find yourself dropping everything so you can see him so you don't lose 'precious time' with him. In other words, you lose your self respect by allowing him to call the shots with regards to your 'relationship'. Don't be a pawn in his game. Be strong. We're here for you!
Author mercedesgirl Posted June 27, 2009 Author Posted June 27, 2009 just to let you guys know, I have told the MM I was seeing to 'take a hike', I am worth so much more. An emormous weight has been lifted and I am beginning to get 'my' life back together again, some self-respect, confidence and I know that I will find someone who can give me all the attention and love I deserve. Thanks for your comments and making me realise that Im worth more than second best! xx
whichwayisup Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 Congrats on getting your life back! You WILL find that love with someone special who can offer you everything, not just bits and pieces.. Take care.
White Flower Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 just to let you guys know, I have told the MM I was seeing to 'take a hike', I am worth so much more. An emormous weight has been lifted and I am beginning to get 'my' life back together again, some self-respect, confidence and I know that I will find someone who can give me all the attention and love I deserve. Thanks for your comments and making me realise that Im worth more than second best! xx (((((mercedesgirl)))))
fooled once Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 YEAH!!! Good for you! never settle for 2nd's -- all people should be the 1st priority!
willing Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 just to let you guys know, I have told the MM I was seeing to 'take a hike', I am worth so much more. An emormous weight has been lifted and I am beginning to get 'my' life back together again, some self-respect, confidence and I know that I will find someone who can give me all the attention and love I deserve. Thanks for your comments and making me realise that Im worth more than second best! xx Well done for doing that. Be prepared in case MM comes around knocking on your door again... he might not walk away so easily. When he misses your company he may well try again.
Lyssa Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 just to let you guys know, I have told the MM I was seeing to 'take a hike', I am worth so much more. An emormous weight has been lifted and I am beginning to get 'my' life back together again, some self-respect, confidence and I know that I will find someone who can give me all the attention and love I deserve. Thanks for your comments and making me realise that Im worth more than second best! xx Good for you, Mercedesgirl! Make sure you stick to it . All the best!
Author mercedesgirl Posted June 28, 2009 Author Posted June 28, 2009 Well done for doing that. Be prepared in case MM comes around knocking on your door again... he might not walk away so easily. When he misses your company he may well try again. yeah, not sure how I'll feel when I see him (we both belong to a car club - thats where we met) and its likely that he'll be at the next get together in a couple of weeks!!!! Any tips?
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