You'reasian Posted May 24, 2009 Posted May 24, 2009 I agree cb! Totally! Finding out why they split is very very important! Nine times out of ten you will end up splitting up for the same reasons By that logic, if my soon to be gf broke up with her ex because he cheated on her, chances are - I will cheat on her too?
Lishy Posted May 24, 2009 Posted May 24, 2009 No! But if she cheated on him then yes! If the above scenario was true then chances are your girlfriend would be very untrusting and paranoid about being cheated on again and that could cause problems You knew what I meant YA, why be smart?
LexiB Posted May 24, 2009 Posted May 24, 2009 OP, tell this dude to go and get over over his ex and come back and see you when he has done that is my advice Perfect. That's the only way to deal with this situation and keep your sanity. *Wanting* to move on and *being ready* to move on are two totally seperate things. Doesn't seem like he's at that second level yet.
Lishy Posted May 24, 2009 Posted May 24, 2009 That is so true, we can want to move on, find a lovely person we really like, but if we are not over the ex there is a small chance of it surviving. It is called a rebound relationship and it hurts! Google rebound relationship and see if that is what you are in
cbreitel Posted May 24, 2009 Posted May 24, 2009 By that logic' date=' if my soon to be gf broke up with her ex because he cheated on her, chances are - I will cheat on her too?[/quote'] That doesn't even remotely make sense. The point is to find red flags about HER through her relationship history. If your gf was cheated on by her bf, you've uncovered something about her bf, not about her.
You'reasian Posted May 24, 2009 Posted May 24, 2009 No! But if she cheated on him then yes! If the above scenario was true then chances are your girlfriend would be very untrusting and paranoid about being cheated on again and that could cause problems You knew what I meant YA, why be smart? It could cause problems, but I'm not going to rush to judgement about her because of a bad ex-bf. I wonder how many people will openly admit that they've cheated on someone? What were the circumstances? Why? For how long? If someone comes forward and acknowledges the reasons, they'd be more honest than someone whom said they've never cheated, when in fact, they did big time. It takes alot of guts to come forward and admit they've had a few bad relationships and even more to admit the times that they were wrong. Moving forward, trust has to be earned
You'reasian Posted May 24, 2009 Posted May 24, 2009 That doesn't even remotely make sense. The point is to find red flags about HER through her relationship history. If your gf was cheated on by her bf, you've uncovered something about her bf, not about her. Circumstances dictate events, right? What if she repeatedly refused him sex. In other words, she used sex as a bargaining tool to get him to do things she wanted? The two tried to work through this, but she refused. Whatever she was trying to get him to do (or whatever he wasn't willing to do) he wouldn't be willing to do and she with held sex, repeatedly - for months. Instead of working things through face to face, toe to toe with her man - she keeps confidence in a second man, whom wants a chance with her and now this second man is growing closer and closer to her while the boyfriend is getting slowly displaced. From the bf perspective, he sees this second guy getting closer and closer but takes her word on his limited involvement. She goes out for an evening with her lady friends. He's fine with it. One of their mutual friends who happened to be in the same place she was sees the bf somewhere and says - "Hey I saw your gf, second guy and a few of her friends at the bar, where were you? didn't realize they were so close?" Then it continues to roll down hill, the relationship is pretty much on its last threads...
cbreitel Posted May 24, 2009 Posted May 24, 2009 I wonder how many people will openly admit that they've cheated on someone? What were the circumstances? Why? For how long? In my experience, many do. Other times you can just figure it out. I'm not particularly concerned with the circumstances in most situations. If she was in a bad relationship, the normal thing to do was end the relationship, not cheat on it. People who cheat in relationships have emotional problems that I'm not about to deal with by getting involved with them.
You'reasian Posted May 24, 2009 Posted May 24, 2009 In my experience, many do. Other times you can just figure it out. I'm not particularly concerned with the circumstances in most situations. If she was in a bad relationship, the normal thing to do was end the relationship, not cheat on it. People who cheat in relationships have emotional problems that I'm not about to deal with by getting involved with them. I've found that most people won't admit to cheating.
Lishy Posted May 24, 2009 Posted May 24, 2009 I agree that most people never admit to cheating. It is always best to speak to your new partners ex before dating exclusively lol
alphamale Posted May 24, 2009 Posted May 24, 2009 It is always best to speak to your new partners ex before dating exclusively if a new woman i started dating contacted my exes i'd tell her to get lost
alphamale Posted May 24, 2009 Posted May 24, 2009 It is always best to speak to your new partners ex before dating exclusively lets say you started seeing some new dude and you contacted his ex (who he dumped). so she's a jilted ex who still wants him back and then she feeds you some smack about him so that you'll leave him
You'reasian Posted May 24, 2009 Posted May 24, 2009 I agree that most people never admit to cheating. It is always best to speak to your new partners ex before dating exclusively lol And how reachable is this person's ex? With some people, you can't keep track of the number of ex-es and exactly what kind of relationship they were in - were they in an open relationship? was it casual? was it committed? was it just a fling?
You'reasian Posted May 24, 2009 Posted May 24, 2009 if a new woman i started dating contacted my exes i'd tell her to get lost Most women want to know more about the men they are into than they are willing to share with the men they are into - perhaps its just human nature's selfishness. I agree.
LexiB Posted May 24, 2009 Posted May 24, 2009 "human nature's selfishness"? For wanting to learn about the person we're intimate with?
Lishy Posted May 24, 2009 Posted May 24, 2009 I was Joking Alpha! lol I asked my new boyfriend if he had ever cheated and he said "Yeah my ex left me for cheating with her best friend and she cut up my clothes, lucky she didn't find out about me and her mum" lol
You'reasian Posted May 24, 2009 Posted May 24, 2009 "human nature's selfishness"? For wanting to learn about the person we're intimate with? No, I mean trying to hide our own mishaps while digging for others. It comes down to protecting onesself I suppose.
missdependant Posted May 24, 2009 Posted May 24, 2009 I agree with You're Asian... Don't bring up past relationships unless you feel it's having a direct effect on the current relationship you're in. Needing to know basics, such as.. "he was cheated on, now he acts at a distance.." or " his ex was an alcoholic, now he has an aversion to alcohol", is fine. But every detail? Such as their shared e-bay account. Who cares? What does that have to do with the current situation? OP, just get out of the relationship. It's only been two months. He started seeing you 4 months after they broke up; and they dated for 12 years. He probably still has feelings for her, whether or not he likes to admit it. He probably feels like you're second best, and that won't be changing anytime soon. He needs SUFFICIENT time to heal. Right now, you're JUST a rebound; second best. Telling him not to talk about her won't force him to get over her. He is and probably will still think about her often. And after 12 years, who can blame him? He has to get over her, and that's something he needs to do entirely on his own.After such a long relationship , he probably needs to do some self-identifying. He's probably still very used to who she was, and the way he was when he shared his life with her. He needs to get to know himself as a single before he can move on with someone else. Please, for the sake of you and him both.. end it. Your relationship will probably go nowhere fast.
LexiB Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 No' date=' I mean trying to hide our own mishaps while digging for others. It comes down to protecting onesself I suppose.[/quote'] ahh gotcha, I misread.
cbreitel Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 I've found that most people won't admit to cheating. Maybe you're not asking the right way. I dated a girl for 2 months before we had a conversation in which she revealed that she'd basically cheated in every single serious relationship she'd ever had. Better late than never.
Author missmich Posted May 25, 2009 Author Posted May 25, 2009 I guess it does sound like I was defending him earlier soon after I posted about him mentioning the x bothered me. I think that's what we all do though,or at least a good number of us who use forums as a place to vent and get advice. I've read all the posts and thought about things and will re-read them and think about them some more over the next few days. One BIG problem I'm having right now is my hormones. I just started taking the pill and it's messed with my cycle (hello 18 day period) and my emotions are up and down from one minute to the next and it's hard for me to think clearly about things. So I'm not going to be making any big decisions right now. Except for calling the info health line tomorrow and speaking to a nurse to see what can be done and maybe switching pills or something. The thoughts that enter my head are not ones that I want there and don't feel "normal" to me. Like the fleeting thoughts of self harm. I've dealt with that issue in the past and I'd like to keep it there and not resort to it for any reason at all. (I will NOT resort to it) I think the thought only came b/c of the pill I'm taking. I've noticed that since starting the pill things that normally wouldn't bother me have been. We met today and we walked near the water and then sat on a bench and talked... again. I tried to talk on the drive there,but was to upset. He knew that and held my hand while driving and it did make me feel better. It showed he cared. Anyway he told me that it's over with her,but it didn't end the way it should have. He didn't get any of the answers from her that he wanted and that he knows he never will and he has to deal with that. He said there is no chance to get back with her and that I shouldn't be afraid of that happening either. He has very little e-mail contact with her only in regards to paperwork that still needs to be done (car,insurance,etc...) since they did own a home and stuff together. He's taking care of all that,but it does take some time. He also told me that I myself mention my own ex's from time to time. He says (and I guess this is true) that I will mention something like "oh yeah one time my x and I fought about this or that or he got jealous of ..or we went to a concert ..." I'll say it casually and not mean anything by it. The difference is that he doesn't know which ex I'm talking about since I've had more then has. He's really only had the one. After he explained it that way I did understand more of where he's coming from and feel a little more secure. He didn't tell me the ebay thing to hurt me and it isn't something I'd have thought to ask him. It sounds like it was one of the little things that just forgot to take care of when they broke up.
You'reasian Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 No one said anything about "harping on past" If you feel revealing something about your past relationships is going to make a woman harp on you, then you clearly have something you need to keep under wraps. See how that works? That's not always the case. And who doesn't have skeletons in their closets? Its like the guy that calls a girl a $lu+ for being promiscuous in her past, but has done some man whoring himself or the girl who calls a guy a pervert, but has had a number of ONS....but they're different, right? Being an open book is good or censoring onesself is fine too, as long as you are true to your partner - but ultimately, I've noticed that some women look for ammunition more often than not and use it as an excuse to hang over one's head but these are mostly insecure women whom you are just meeting/getting to know. Women whom have spent alot of time with you and know who you ultimately are and about usually know more about you (and you them) so there's no silly games and holding crap over people's heads.
alphamale Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 And who doesn't have skeletons in their closets? I don't. I honestly don't have anything in my past that I can't discuss openly in my current relationship. . i'm sorry but i just can't believe that
kizik Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 i'm sorry but i just can't believe that Well then she must be lying! Witch! Drown her!
alphamale Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 You have trust issues Alphamale. indeed, i trust myself that you aren't coming clean
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