missmich Posted May 24, 2009 Posted May 24, 2009 I haven't slept all night b/c I've had something on my mind all night. Today will be 2 months since I've been dating this new man. I know he wants to take it slow and all that and I agree. Generally things are great and I'm pretty happy with things overall. When we met he explained a somewhat recent break up with a long term girlfriend. It's been 6 months since they've broken up and he will still mention her from time to time. He's careful not to use her name,though I do know it. That's why I put "her" the way I did in my topic. That's how he refers to her as when she's mentioned. We went out Saturday for a nice drive and 5 minutes into the date he mentioned her. I'd asked about his friend's parents and he'd told me he was good friends with them and they were there for him during the first break up with the X then he talked about them and didn't really focus on talking about her. That was fine. Then later when I mentioned my ebay account and said I should really cancel it since I never use it he was reminded that she has an account and uses his credit card for it (they were actually engaged so things were in both names). I got so mad,but didn't say anything. I did mention(after taking a few nice deep breathes) that "maybe it would be easier for you to you know,get over her and stuff if you took care of all the changing of the names etc.. stuff". I mean when people break up and move on they should have some no contact for a while. They don't though. I mean they don't talk on the phone,but she will message him to tell him about insurance stuff,paperwork that is still in both their names and stuff like that. He still has a car that's in the garage at their former home together as well. One night his friend was with us for dinner and they actually talked about her for a few minutes and made some joke about going to her place to see the dog! Like I wasn't even there. I just sat there and smiled. I won't do that again though. I'll call them both on it and risk him being upset with me.
paddington bear Posted May 24, 2009 Posted May 24, 2009 Oh dear. This is kind of a tough situation for you. To be honest, for me if a guy repeatedly mentions his ex, he's simply not over her. Not necessarily that he wants to get back with her, but could be that he's not healed from the break-up. For me it's a red flag. You know when you're madly in love with someone and everything reminds you of that person 'oh look a worm! John saw a worm in his garden yesterday' and your friends are rolling their eyes and bored of you talking about him/her. If things such as eBay are reminding him of his ex...I feel she's still in his mind, a lot. Now, it could be more of a practical thing, when you were engaged and shared bank accounts etc, that it's harder to divide everything up immediately and you forget little things like eBay 'oh yeah, damn, that reminds me, I must change that eBay account, another thing on my list of things to do since the relationship split'. I guess you have to step back a little emotionally and figure out if it's the 'she's always on my mind' type of talking about his ex, or if it's purely 'I'm not fulling extracated from this relationship but I'm working on it' type of talking about his ex. However....you said "maybe it would be easier for you to you know,get over her and stuff if you took care of all the changing of the names etc". If he's with you, he should already be over her. Don't play the sympathetic role, of patient new girlfriend, understanding that these things take time. You deserve a man in your life who is 100% with you. And.."One night his friend was with us for dinner and they actually talked about her for a few minutes and made some joke about going to her place to see the dog! Like I wasn't even there. I just sat there and smiled. I won't do that again though. I'll call them both on it and risk him being upset with me. Like you weren't even there. That's simply rude, and you know this now, you should have said something. You can't be invisible and your feelings disregarded if you pipe up and say something to that effect. Could be he's no idea that this is hurting you, either that or he's just grossly insensitive. Risk him being upset with you. So what? He's risked you being upset with him by talking about his ex and he and his friend ignoring you. Don't worry about what your effect your emotions will have on him and supress them for fear of losing him. It'll just get all bottled up and you'll get resentful of having to be 'fine' with some things when patently you're not fine. He won't know you're upset if you don't tell him, he's not a mind-reader. Maybe a non-blaming little talk with him might make him realise 'oh NO I didn't realise I was making her feel this way' and he'll try to make an effort not to repeat that. Just think about how you feel not about how he feels. If you're unhappy with something, just say it. Doesn't have to be a big sulky blow out either, but he needs to be made aware that this is not something you're happy to put up with. Doesn't matter if it's right or wrong for you to be unhappy with it, simply that it does make you unhappy. If he cares about you, he should want you to be happy.
Author missmich Posted May 24, 2009 Author Posted May 24, 2009 Oh thank you Paddington for those words! I really need to get another opinion on the situation and see it more clearly. When I did mention to him "making a list of stuff that needs to be changed" he said that he'd just forgotten about ebay since he'd never actually used it and he's pretty sure he canceled that credit card connected to it. I really don't like being the one and I should not be the one to remind him of all the little things (paper work wise) that should be changed. I think he should sit down and get that stuff done with out me. It's sorta like me going in and packing up her belongings and dropping them off for her. He doesn't need to do that since he was the one who moved out,but you know what I mean! After the 2nd date I asked if there was a chance of them getting back together and he told me no and I asked if he was over her and he said yes. He later on explained a few ways that she hurt him and I don't see her in a very positive way at all. I've been careful not to say anything negative about her though to him,BUT I'm afraid that someday I will if he keeps mentioning her. Today we meet for ice cream! It's a special day for us and I don't want to ruin it by talking about her,but I think I will have to bring her up. Last night my body got so tense and I felt like I'd have a panic attack...actually I felt some minor urges to self harm and it scared me. I was able to breathe through it and get a hold of myself. I just didn't get any sleep yet b/c I've been thinking about it all night. So we'll have a little chat about how he mentions her and it bothers me and see how that goes.
paddington bear Posted May 24, 2009 Posted May 24, 2009 If you do talk with him, just make it clear. When you talk about 'her' in this way, it makes me feel like even though you said you were over her, but maybe you're not'. You want him to know that it's not simple jealousy without reason, you've noticed something and it makes you feel bad. Ask him if the reason that he hasn't split up all the paperwork, got his car back and so on, because he's in the back of his mind looking for an excuse to have some contact with his ex. That you feel it's not fair on you if he still has one foot in the door with her, that you have no problem him being in touch with her from time to time, but that he hasn't seemed keen on finalising the last mess of their breakup and that that worries you. I've been going through a pretty rotten situation myself recently. Don't self-harm!!! No, no, no!!! No man, or situation is worth that. I too could not sleep was getting panic attacks and simply couldn't cope. So I sympathise and all I'll say is that, for me, when a situation affects me to such a degree, last thing I think about at night, dream about it, can't sleep first thing I think about on waking, then all throughout the day, then something is seriously, seriously wrong and needs to be resolved. Anyway, go and enjoy your ice-cream, explain how you feel - and hopefully, he will respond appropriately, sometimes people when they feel they're being unfairly blamed or attacked will attack you back. Watch out for accusations of being clingy or jealous or whatever and try to stay calm and repeat that his actions have hurt and worried you and all you want to do is to make him aware of that so that this is no longer an issue. Wishing you the best of luck
Lizzie60 Posted May 24, 2009 Posted May 24, 2009 Humm...this doesn't sound good. His break-up is quite recent.. and he's definitely NOT over her.. that's for sure. This is some kind of disrespect for you. Methink she's on his mind most of the time.. that's why when you talk about 'whatever' or 'just about anything' .. he will think of how it is/was with her. He's still obsessing.. dump him.. tell him to get over her and contact you when and only when he's completely done with her.. simple as that.. Unless you want to be on the 'backburner' (maybe he would go back in a second with her) and he's only keeping you 'in case' she doesn't make any move.. She might not be totally over him.. too. Be careful!
missdependant Posted May 24, 2009 Posted May 24, 2009 Wow, that would be really annoying. Sounds to me like he's not over her, therefore making you a rebound. Whatever you do, DON'T fall into being the backburner. Get out now; he's carrying WAY too much baggage from his last relationship that he needs to sort out before thinking seriously about a new relationship.
You'reasian Posted May 24, 2009 Posted May 24, 2009 I haven't slept all night b/c I've had something on my mind all night. Today will be 2 months since I've been dating this new man. I know he wants to take it slow and all that and I agree. Generally things are great and I'm pretty happy with things overall. When we met he explained a somewhat recent break up with a long term girlfriend. It's been 6 months since they've broken up and he will still mention her from time to time. He's careful not to use her name,though I do know it. That's why I put "her" the way I did in my topic. That's how he refers to her as when she's mentioned. We went out Saturday for a nice drive and 5 minutes into the date he mentioned her. I'd asked about his friend's parents and he'd told me he was good friends with them and they were there for him during the first break up with the X then he talked about them and didn't really focus on talking about her. That was fine. Then later when I mentioned my ebay account and said I should really cancel it since I never use it he was reminded that she has an account and uses his credit card for it (they were actually engaged so things were in both names). I got so mad,but didn't say anything. I did mention(after taking a few nice deep breathes) that "maybe it would be easier for you to you know,get over her and stuff if you took care of all the changing of the names etc.. stuff". I mean when people break up and move on they should have some no contact for a while. They don't though. I mean they don't talk on the phone,but she will message him to tell him about insurance stuff,paperwork that is still in both their names and stuff like that. He still has a car that's in the garage at their former home together as well. One night his friend was with us for dinner and they actually talked about her for a few minutes and made some joke about going to her place to see the dog! Like I wasn't even there. I just sat there and smiled. I won't do that again though. I'll call them both on it and risk him being upset with me. I understand what you mean. On the flipside, ladies - do not ask about your man's ex-es! If he wants to talk about them, he will. If he doesn't, he won't. Chances are, he wants to enjoy you and be with you
Lucky555 Posted May 24, 2009 Posted May 24, 2009 He is probably a nice guy and you like him a lot. But he obviously has ISSUES to figure out. I have been in this situation before. He is not over her, sounds exactly like what happened to me! In the beginning it was good and I didn't think anything of it when he occasionally mentioned "her" or "ex", but after a while I found out they were still in communication every week! He never wants to be with her, but she still messes with his head and he allows it. He and I are done. It sounds like his ex is still messing with his head. They had been together for awhile, but it is HIS RESPONSIBILITY to limit this contact since he is with you. I believe you need to talk with him about this and say you are not comfortable with it and in order for you and him to work there has to be BOUNDARIES. He may not even want to get back together with her but there is "emotional" connections and he just falls right back into her trap. He needs to SEVER all ties from this woman ASAP! You can't have her make up these excuses just to contact him. If they want a friendship then ok......but i think you know what friendships are like as opposed to her chasing him. But the talk is from you (he needs to be aware) and he needs to do the rest of the work so you two can move on.
Author missmich Posted May 24, 2009 Author Posted May 24, 2009 They were together on and off for close to 12 years,since he was 16. She ended this time on xmas eve. She's all ready with someone else now too.
Lucky555 Posted May 24, 2009 Posted May 24, 2009 yeah she may be with someone else and sleeping with someone else but still pushes herself in his life? (right) She may not want him back right at this second but it can still affect his ability to become more attached to you.
LovieDove24 Posted May 24, 2009 Posted May 24, 2009 They were together on and off for close to 12 years,since he was 16. She ended this time on xmas eve. She's all ready with someone else now too. This makes the six month healing time thing insignificant. This is a VERY long time to be with someone. Sweetie I have been the rebound once before and it is EXTREMELY painful. On our first date he asked me "Do you go crazy buying expensive shoes?" I said absolutely not. He said "Good cuz the last one nearly sucked me dry." I should have bolted that very moment. Who has the balls to bring up their ex (especially negatively--even BIGGER red flag) on the first or second date. If your current bf is talking about his ex, especially in a negative light, it means he's not over her. Period. Take it from a girl who's been there, done that. And in my extreme case he left me when I got pregnant citing he "Doesn't love me like he loved his ex."
Author missmich Posted May 24, 2009 Author Posted May 24, 2009 Oh Loviedove that's horrible that he broke it off with you when you were pregnant. I'm trying to take it slow with this guy and not get to invested. He has been open and honest with me when he said he wasn't ready for anything to serious,yet he's the one who wants to spend a lot of tome together. I mean I'll ask him to make plans with me,but he'll do it more often and stuff like that. There are signs that he's slowly moving on from her which is good. I don't think he means to hurt me by bringing her up. In fact one time he said sorry for mentioning her and I said it was ok. I said that b.c he was telling me that she was mad about something to do with the car he now drives (used to be hers) and the warranty. I let him talk about that cuz he was upset and it was happening now you know. I think that if he suddenly remembers something like an old ebay account or more paperwork legal stuff that needs to be changed he should keep it to himself b/c that's the stuff that bothers me a little.
alphamale Posted May 24, 2009 Posted May 24, 2009 give the guy a break, he was with her for 12 years. if you can't deal with it or think he's not dedicated to you then move on to someone else
You'reasian Posted May 24, 2009 Posted May 24, 2009 What????? that's just insane talk, You'reasian. I wouldn't dream of being with a man long term and not talk about his exes at some point. If he doesn't want to talk about it he definitely has something to hide and I ain't stickin' around to figure out what that is. And in this case he does want to talk about it, but he wants to talk about it as if Missmich was his best bud, or shoulder to cry on. She has every right to ask what she wants she is his current love interest not his brother! Asking about ex-es is a lose-lose situation. The reason being is that most women want to know what went wrong and harp on it. Occasionally, a woman will ask just to know where you are and where you've been - that's fine.
Lishy Posted May 24, 2009 Posted May 24, 2009 Knowing why past relationships failed is so important. It says alot about how yours will go and you need to know. OP, tell this dude to go and get over over his ex and come back and see you when he has done that is my advice
alphamale Posted May 24, 2009 Posted May 24, 2009 Asking about ex-es is a lose-lose situation. indeed, once the cat is out of the bag it will never go back in...
You'reasian Posted May 24, 2009 Posted May 24, 2009 It says alot about how yours will go.... ....if you were the last girl he dated with identical circumstances. It would be unfair to project things onto yourself about his ex that are not true or applicable to yourself. Some ex-es are wonderful and things end because of understandable reasons - others not so much. Should I date a woman who was badly mistreated by her ex and dismiss her on the grounds that I'll mistreat her too and that she has baggage/potential man-hate issues/does not lover herself enough or take her in as someone who just needs space, some self-respect and care? Looking at someone's past ex as a judge of future potential is not the best way of gauging a person - at least in my opinion. I try to look at personality, family life, friends, interests. Going on the example of someone who was badly mistreated by her ex - suppose I find out she has a warm & beautiful personality, loves her job, is a hard worker, grew up with both parents in a decent family, has rock-solid discipline with her hobbies/interests, is trying to improve herself... That says alot to me about the person.
cbreitel Posted May 24, 2009 Posted May 24, 2009 On the flipside, ladies - do not ask about your man's ex-es! If he wants to talk about them, he will. If he doesn't, he won't. That's psychotic. I don't bring up my exes at all when I'm dating someone new. But if and when a girl is curious about my past, I'm an open book if they actually do want to know something. I will answer any question I'm asked, honestly. I won't volunteer things if she doesn't want to know though. I do have a few exes who I happen to be friends with, and I'm open about that as well.
You'reasian Posted May 24, 2009 Posted May 24, 2009 That's psychotic. I think its something you gradually work up to discussing and not something you poke and prod about with a guy. I don't bring up my exes at all when I'm dating someone new. But if and when a girl is curious about my past, I'm an open book if they actually do want to know something. I will answer any question I'm asked, honestly. I won't volunteer things if she doesn't want to know though. I do have a few exes who I happen to be friends with, and I'm open about that as well. Agreed and I'm in the same boat.
cbreitel Posted May 24, 2009 Posted May 24, 2009 I think its something you gradually work up to discussing and not something you poke and prod about with a guy. Maybe we misunderstood each other then. I agree that this isn't first-date conversation. A few dates in, it's normal to be curious about one's past relationships. I certainly want to know her history, exactly for the reason that I'm searching for red flags. She's entitled to do the same with me.
You'reasian Posted May 24, 2009 Posted May 24, 2009 Maybe we misunderstood each other then. I agree that this isn't first-date conversation. A few dates in, it's normal to be curious about one's past relationships. I certainly want to know her history, exactly for the reason that I'm searching for red flags. She's entitled to do the same with me. I tend to avoid bringing up a woman's ex-es on a date unless over time, it appears that the ex is still involved in the woman's life.
cbreitel Posted May 24, 2009 Posted May 24, 2009 As for the OP, it's very clear to me that this guy isn't over his ex. That spells bad news for you. I don't really care if he was with her for 12 years. It's his responsibility to get over her and process his emotions about his prior relationship without using you as his vessel to do so. My personal rule about dating is to never get involved with someone who's not over someone else. If you're not able to focus on me because you're distracted by someone else, an ex or not, then I'm moving on.
cbreitel Posted May 24, 2009 Posted May 24, 2009 I tend to avoid bringing up a woman's ex-es on a date unless over time' date=' it appears that the ex is still involved in the woman's life.[/quote'] Past relationships are extremely important in learning about a person. I'm not going to wait until I'm a year in to a relationship before learning that someone I'm dating has a horrendous history of cheating or whatever the case may be. I want to know such things up front, once it's comfortable to talk about such things. I am not interested in dating women with screwed up histories, but that's just my dating style.
Lishy Posted May 24, 2009 Posted May 24, 2009 I agree cb! Totally! Finding out why they split is very very important! Nine times out of ten you will end up splitting up for the same reasons
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