kfidel Posted May 24, 2009 Posted May 24, 2009 hey I'm new, my name is Kevin and I'm 22yr male without going into the details of how it all happened I will give you the story. I had dated this girl for about 2 years nearly and about a year and half into it became a "temp" long distance relationship and I had been in college still and she was done. During this time I had met a girl through a class of mine who I THOUGHT was a better match for me but it was all for show and all in all she just wants my nuts. Which as a man is hard because she was cool and attractive and would have been a good **** but thats not what I am about, its all or nothing from me, you just cant have the physical without the mental. So things began to escalate with her and I ended up kissing her and her kissing me, I could have had sex with her that night but I had my willpower on my side just to be sure this is what I wanted so nothing went from kissing and cuddling. so some time passes things get weird, with both of them... to add to the story I had bought a dog for my at the time girlfriend, for us. It was always a question from people that 'whos dog was it?' So I end up breaking up with her for this other girl who I thought would be a better match and then she stops showing up to class and I rarely hear from her UNTIL one day I go to this party with friends and I see her in the kitchen (she doesn't see me) making out with this guy (who was her BF) and I confront them and I can see that she knows shes cought red handed and I dont even say why, I just tell him "hey is this your girl here?" and he responds yes and I just reply with "well shes one hell of a kisser" infront of her, her bf and all of her friends and just walk out. I thought for the longest time that the affection from her was true but it was all a show, we were both in relationships and she just wanted to have some fun on the side with me. the hardest part of all of this is that my ex and I REALLY got a long, we really understood eachother and have a lot in common even though that we may not always share common hobbies and have different personalities, (im more outgoing and she more intraverted) but we do have a lot of common hobbies. I guess I have always been trying for my best friend for life and I feel like I blew it. Its been a couple months and she wont even talk to me and she kept the dog in the breakup, the one I bought, raised and trained. granted she helped out with some of the aspects but he was really a product of my teachings (he is a badass dog and I know how to train dogs "proffessionally") which doesn't help because they are a package deal and when I loose one I loose them both, but when I miss one of them I am really missing both of them. its been a few months now I have tried to meet other people but she has set the bar for what I want in a woman but I blew it and I broke up with her for what I thought was real and wasn't and ive been soul searching and self finding from all of this but even when I meet other girls I still cant help but think of my ex and I think about her probably everyday but she doesnt even want to talk to me, I cant even see the dog. it was a rough break up because we were eachothers first loves but I was her first partner. its really hard and I could see myself with her in the long run but many people think that in relationships but one dream/fantasy of mine is to move to new zealand and I wouldn't want to live there with anyone other than her and I know she would feel the same. I miss her and I thought I moved on but I cant stop thinking about her and I want to talk to her but she cuts the ties that bind. I'm damned if I do and damned if I dont but I cant help but want my partner in crime back and I know she feels the same way. I always find the girls who I want to be more than friends with and they just see me as friends then I find a girl who I am more than friends with who I thought I just wanted to be just friends with. I dont know if I will meet anyone like her again or meet someone better who is more into physical activities and outgoing but a big part of our relationship fell apart because of bad communication and us not communicating our needs to eachother. I seem to have written a lot... oops I hope someone actually reads this.
Citizen Erased Posted May 24, 2009 Posted May 24, 2009 You didn't make the right choice. But say you do manage to get her back...what makes you think you won't do the same thing again?
Author kfidel Posted May 24, 2009 Author Posted May 24, 2009 You didn't make the right choice. But say you do manage to get her back...what makes you think you won't do the same thing again? thats what I'm worried about, It would be so much more worse if I had hurt her again or it was not to work out. The hardest part too is that no matter who I date within I will have some form of long distance relationship going on at some point of year and I dunno if I can do a LDR again. It wasnt the sole contributing factor but it played in a role. I know she wants me back, I think, she could have moved on already, but I thought I did but I guess I haven't really. She told me that she always had me to look forward too. There was a summer that we practically lived together and that didnt help but at the same time it was nice but I felt like I needed my space.
fabulous_chk Posted May 24, 2009 Posted May 24, 2009 It's like reading about me and my ex-bf, the cheating, the personalities, and the dog. How did you break-up with her btw?
Author kfidel Posted May 24, 2009 Author Posted May 24, 2009 It's like reading about me and my ex-bf, the cheating, the personalities, and the dog. How did you break-up with her btw? I drove an hour to her place and talked with her and broke up with her in person, lots of crying - not fun. all of this just sucks because no person has treated me like she has and I blew it because I got greedy and lonely and couldn't communicate our needs with eachother. It was like I was naive to believe in a fantasy world thinking and that my perception of what love really is has changed. You know the phrase "you never know what you have until its gone" speaks the truth. I have spoken with her maybe 3 times since we broke up February and for a while after the breakup I was happy, I did feel that a weight was lifted off my shoulders (even with that other girl not being part of the picture) but now I feel like weight has been put back on my shoulders again. from all of this I know that I have changed a bit and I have learned so much about myself and I'm sure she has too in some form or another. The hardest part was that it was nearly fate that had us meet because long story short we met eachother through our former roomates who are/were total ****ups and douchebags .
fabulous_chk Posted May 24, 2009 Posted May 24, 2009 I asked because if you were "nice" when you dumped her, you might have better chances of her working with you on a reconciliation. If you had said unforgivable things like "it's your fault," "i was never in love with you," "i will only cheat again if we ever get back together," "i'm in love with the other girl," etc, your chance is less. First, you must decide that YOU WILL NEVER BREAK HER HEART AGAIN. That she's the one. If you have doubts on this, forget it, let her go. She doesn't deserve the **** you will put her through. NC forever is the way to go. If you think she's the one you're gonna marry, then NC is not the advisable option. You only have a small window of opportunity to make her come back to you - I'd say less than 7 months. Once she has gone through her healing process, it's doubtful that she's going to want to go back to a cheater. By then her self-confidence is restored, she might still have feelings of love for you out of nostalgia, but by then she will be completely rational and view you as you are, a person who has hurt her badly and a person who can potentially hurt her again.
Author kfidel Posted May 24, 2009 Author Posted May 24, 2009 I was nice to her about and I wasn't saying things like its your fault it was more along the lines of its not working out for me. But if I was to go back out with her it would be like a large commitment similar to marriage and I dunno if I'm ready for that. Were both in our early-mid twenties still but we have common long term goals which is why we both were able to see eachother together for a while. A big thing with her is that she is super shy and doesn't have a lot of self confidence, I dunno about now it could be different, and I'm the opposite of that. We also never fought our argued ever. Every time someone asks if I miss "my" dog I always say yes but I'm also saying I miss her too... im not very emotional but all of this brings tears to my eyes. and what does NC mean?
fabulous_chk Posted May 24, 2009 Posted May 24, 2009 That's what my ex-bf didn't like about me - I was too shy to go to parties and he is a very social guy. After the break-up I did nothing but party. Ironic. I would hang out at Philly where he wanted us to move and settle down, go to NYC to party where he usually would party with his friends. (I can relate to you about the dog. When I say I miss Sparky it means I miss the ex. It became my euphemism because my friends will yell at me for missing a cheater.) NC means No Contact - which allows both parties to heal and let the emotional dusts settle before making decisions. For a dumpee this is the best option. This is the time for self-improvement, exploration, healing...which your ex-gf needs big-time. You will find her a very different person after NC. It's a character-building coping process. For the dumper - this is the kindest way to let a person go. Do not interfere with her NC - it will set her back and keep her in a toxic situation where she cannot fully heal and cannot fully move on. It seems that you are not committed to her. Let her go. Both of you are still young. Do not string her along. Be kind to her. Let her heal.
Author kfidel Posted May 24, 2009 Author Posted May 24, 2009 i havent been stringing her along and we have had no contact for months now but I cant help but think about her every day, I had my doubts breaking up with her and I have my doubts for wanting to get back with her. Her birthday is coming up in a month and I dunno what to do, i want to wish her a happy birthday at the very least. right now it is a hard time in during my life to even meet girls I work and school around automotive industry which is nearly all male and I have to have some sort of ldr since most of the year I spend at school in michigan (1 year left till graduation) and then the summers are spent outside of chicago and my friend group at home lacks women and is slowly falling apart from people doing other things or moving and etc. I mean I've had a few craigslist dates and on one of them I was doing things that I know my ex and I would enjoy or she would take me to the same places for fun, everything is a memory and nearly every song i hear seems to rekindle some memory of her.
fabulous_chk Posted May 24, 2009 Posted May 24, 2009 I guess dumpers have to heal also. Some part of you have already let her go, but some part still yearns for her. Love is a form addiction. This yearning will fade in time. Give yourself time to heal. If you really wanted her back you would not be here...you would be begging and groveling and bending over backwards to get her back. You are not doing that. You are probably just lonely. Missing her is normal. She was a big part of your life. And she was more like your best friend than your lover. You miss the comfort of having your best friend around. Please do not contact her. It will set her back, believe me. She will not thank you for it. February was just 3 months ago...believe me, she is still hurting and the last thing she needs on her birthday is a reminder of you. If you ever really cared for her you will put her needs above your own. You missing her is not that important compared to her healing process. As for yourself - I hope you realize now that there are no mistakes, but decisions. You decided to choose the other girl, and this is the consequence of it.
Author kfidel Posted May 24, 2009 Author Posted May 24, 2009 I would be begging and groveling over her to get her back but shes in detroit and I live in chicago and both of my cars are broken and with no paychecks comming in until mid to late june. I'm pretty much stuck where im at. I just don't know what to do, that clash should I stay or should I go fits the occasion pretty well. I just dont want this to become "the one that got away" situation.
fabulous_chk Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 This thread is actually devastating for me. Our stories are so similar. I've been wishing my ex-bf to feel like this too and realize that he let the best girl go. After 2 months I'm still hurting, every second of the day. The past 2 days I've been unable to move from my couch. I just don't want to face the world and live. The only way I could deal with it is to have no contact from him - the times he did I threw up. The thought of him makes me wanna throw up. You have to realize that cheating is the most humiliating, soul-destroying act to do to a person you claim to love. It's an act of selfishness, of absolute cruelty. You would not wish this feeling on your most hated enemy. It is the most horrible experience anyone can have. Loving is an action. Based on your actions it seems you don't really love her. You would not hurt a person like that if you did. And you have a lot of excuses too. Believe me, if you really love her you would not be asking questions like this. You would KNOW that you don't want to lose her ever. YOU WOULD ACT RIGHT NOW TO GET HER BACK. She is not the one that got away. YOU DUMPED HER. You made a conscious decision to let her go. If you are hurting, that is none of her fault. Please do not involve her in the mess you are in. You must clean your own mess. One thing I can deduce from your posts is that you are confused. You miss her a lot, you are beginning to appreciate her qualities now that she is gone. Are you in love with her? I sincerely believe that if the relationship with the other girl worked out, you would not be thinking of her like this. Your ex-gf is like your spare tire, the one you go for comfort. That is unfair. Does she deserve that treatment? No. Give yourself more time until your confusion goes away. You can only make this situation worse than it is already if you act right now. And contact her only if you love her and is in love with her, and that you are willing to prove that love to her with ACTIONS, not mere words. LOVING IS A DECISION. Once you decide to love her, and she decides to love you, you do everything to make it work even though it's hard, even though it's LDR. The grass is never greener - you get what you put in that relationship. It takes work to make a relationship work. I hope when you decide what to do, it is with the thought that whatever you do will have an impact years from now. I hope for both your sakes that you make the right decision.
Author kfidel Posted May 25, 2009 Author Posted May 25, 2009 I do NOT use her as a spare tire but when we dated we would go to eachother for comfort. When we broke up she wanted me back and said that I should give myself another chance and since then I have been alone and wandering in my thoughts figuring out what is best for me, which does sound a little selfish and I know what I did was terrible but it would have been so much worse if I had slept with her. But you are right I still need more time. I have sexual needs and fantasies that temp me and this was one of those instances and a big problem in our relationship was that she had a low libido and it was hard to get her into the bedroom. I know I feel like **** for what I had done. But I know this hurts for you but your input really helps.
fabulous_chk Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Sex can be worked on...it's the emotional aspect that is hard to work on. You've managed to fall out of love with her and in love/lust with the other girl - it can happen again, and the thing is, you will blame her for it (ldr, no sex drive, etc, etc). Work on yourself, build up your character so that you will never hurt another girl like this again. If you don't work on yourself now you will only repeat this behavior and end up throwing away many good relationships in the future. Good luck and keep us updated. Many people post here hoping for second chances...including me. We'd be very interested how yours work out.
Author kfidel Posted May 25, 2009 Author Posted May 25, 2009 its hard too since for soo long I was happy and then I wasn't and I didn't know how to express those feelings with her.
fabulous_chk Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 When you were fooling with the other girl were you in love with her?
Author kfidel Posted May 26, 2009 Author Posted May 26, 2009 I was not in love with the other girl, it just seemed too good to be true and it was and I was naive to believe in a fantasy world. The worst part about it the whole time I knew in the back of my mind that it wasn't going to work out and I started catching onto her deception but I kept thinking no, I'll let it slide or just tune it out/ignore it. But I'm a risk taker and I went for it because I was unhappy and thought that change would fix it. I think my perception of love has changed, since for the longest time what I thought true love was just hollywood's idea of love but what I had was love. When I was trying out the whole internet dating thing because I suck at picking up girls in public I came across this quote: We're all a little weird. And life's a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up in mutual weirdness and call it love and it really reminds me of my ex I. I'm doing the same thing (methodically) when I was debating breakuping with her for that whore. I just talk to everyone and asks opinions, reaching out for help make my descision easier when it seems Ive already made up my mind. but that doesn't make it any easier since its still confusing because what if I do meet someone who could be a better fit? its all these what ifs that torment me. When I had broken up with her it was abrupt and she didnt see it coming it was soo much love for soo long then it just ended and she didnt understand why and I tried to convey my thoughts to her but nothing was making any sense I've always wanted to move to new zealand and I wouldnt want to go there with anyone else other than her... our relationship is almost identical to the movie high fidelity it seems
fabulous_chk Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 I was not in love with the other girl, it just seemed too good to be true and it was and I was naive to believe in a fantasy world. The worst part about it the whole time I knew in the back of my mind that it wasn't going to work out and I started catching onto her deception but I kept thinking no, I'll let it slide or just tune it out/ignore it. But I'm a risk taker and I went for it because I was unhappy and thought that change would fix it. That's the saddest thing - you deliberately broke up a save-able relationship for something that you knew was never going to work out. I think my perception of love has changed, since for the longest time what I thought true love was just hollywood's idea of love but what I had was love. When I was trying out the whole internet dating thing because I suck at picking up girls in public I came across this quote: We're all a little weird. And life's a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up in mutual weirdness and call it love and it really reminds me of my ex I. At least you learned something. Love is not a fairy tale. It cannot be all romance. Guys can act so impulsively *sigh*. Maybe you miss the relationship and not the girl? The quote applies to me and my ex too. I'm doing the same thing (methodically) when I was debating breakuping with her for that whore. I just talk to everyone and asks opinions, reaching out for help make my descision easier when it seems Ive already made up my mind. but that doesn't make it any easier since its still confusing because what if I do meet someone who could be a better fit? its all these what ifs that torment me. When I had broken up with her it was abrupt and she didnt see it coming it was soo much love for soo long then it just ended and she didnt understand why and I tried to convey my thoughts to her but nothing was making any sense You're young. I think you should stay single for awhile or you could do some damage to many girls' hearts. The what if's should not be there. If you're really in love you know for sure who holds your heart. Does she know about the other girl? I've always wanted to move to new zealand and I wouldnt want to go there with anyone else other than her... our relationship is almost identical to the movie high fidelity it seems I have to watch this movie. I've been watching The Holiday over and over and it's been helping me a lot. I really believe you need to be alone for awhile...find yourself first. You have a lot of growing up to do.
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